From kinzler Mon Mar 26 18:45:19 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 26 Mar 90 18:38:25 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #136 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 136 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #136 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 26 Mar 90 18:38:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 136-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the basic demographics of the Oracle-using section of the > population? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle system statistics, generated March 6, 1990. } (Percentages may not add to 100 due to rounding errors) } } ======================================================================= } } I. Age } } Age of user } ----------- } } 1-15 2% X } } 16-23 38% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 24-31 41% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 32-47 8% XXXXXXX } } 48-63 1% X } } 64+ 0% } } } Largest single category: 24-31 } Average age of user: 27 } } } Mental age of user } ------------------ } } 1-15 87% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 16-23 9% XXXXXXXX } } 24-31 1% X } } 32-47 0% } } 48-63 0% } } 64+ 1% X } } } Largest single category: 1-15 } Average mental age of user: 3 } } } } II. Sex } } Gender } ------ } } Male 47% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Female 44% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Other 8% XXXXXXX } } } Largest single category: Male } Average sex of user: Emale } } } Frequency } --------- } } Thrice a week 18% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Thrice a day 3% XX } } Whenever I can 27% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Whenever I can, which is never 30% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Other 10% XXXXXXXXX } } (Answers of Celibate were counted in "Whenever I can, which is never.") } } } Largest single category: Whenever I can, which is never } Average frequency: 29 } } } Type of partner } --------------- } } Human 33% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Pet 17% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Farm animal 12% XXXXXXXXXXXX } } Wild animal 25% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Hand 20% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } Mechanical object 9% XXXXXXXXX } } } Largest single answer: Human } Average type of partner: Pig } } } III. Race } } 50 yard } ------- } } 1-10 sec 23% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 11-59 sec 69% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX } } 1-10 min 4% XXXX } } 11-59 min 0% } } } Largest single answer: 11-59 sec } Average 50 yard: 18 secs } } } } Summary of other categories (for tables, ask for "detailed demo- } graphics") } } Category Largest single answer Average answer } ------------- --------------------- -------------- } Net worth $200-300 K $207.31 } Hair color Physical description unavaiabl bald } Math SAT 500-549 573 } First Oracle question "How much wood would a woodchu "Am I stupid or wh } Musical tastes Rock'n'Roll Oracle and the Ora } Toothpaste Toothpaste? What's that? Crest } Movie of the decade Raiders of the Lost Ark Sid and Nancy } Verbal SAT 400-449 385 } Main reference source Oracle Oracle } Source of computer ac Academic access It's my best frien } Programming skill 5-10 years experience I know BASIC } Friends 3 or 4 friends 2.7 friends } Place of birth Hospital Back seat of car } Place of conception Bedroom Back seat of car } } ======================================================================== } Oracle system statistics generated March 6, 1990. } Thank you. } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle a garden snake. --- 136-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, what is the optimal way to masturbate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The optimal way varies from time to time and person to person, but } here's one of my favorites. } Tools you need: } bath towel } mirror } vibrator } K-Y jelly } zucchini } Bailey's Irish Cream } pet snake } New Age music cassette } silver chalice } telephone } } Method: } Lie down on the towel with the mirror in front of you, so you can see } your genitals clearly. Put on the New Age music and begin to chant } quietly. Pour the Bailey's over the zucchini and into the chalice. } Drink from the chalice. Stroke yourself gently with the zucchini, and } then place it into one of your bodily orifices. Put the snake into the } chalice. With your left hand, use the vibrator to vibrate the zucchini, } while you use the right to dial your high school English professor on } the telephone. Talk dirty until the moment of climax; then drop the } phone, pull out the zucchini and pour the snake with Bailey's over your } chest. Come copiously. } } (Works for me.) } } You owe the oracle a report on your success. --- 136-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A long, long time ago in a blacker period of history than we are in now, > people on rec.humor actually spoke out against the Oracle and wanted you > to die. Why on earth did they do that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The Oracle was a little confused on this one. The "feud" was with } certain readers of rec.humor, not Brad Templeton/rec.humor.funny. -sk ] } } It's because...because, BRAD TEMPLETON IS THE ANTI_CHRIST!!! There, } I said it! Oh, I've been silenced long enough about this abomination! } Yes, insinuating himself among the people with his "moderated" humor } group...moderated by Old Nick, himself, I say!! Yes, the split hoofed } one broadcasts his message over all available bandwidth, and pipes it } into our heads encased in such banal humor, that our numbed brains don't } even see that we are being turned into Satan's followers. We must join } each other, and destroy this horror from the bowels of th... } } } Message from Talk_Daemon@porter at 11:22 ... } talk: connection requested by satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu } talk: respond with: talk satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu } } } O: Uh, hi Satan, old buddy! How's things? I hope... } } S: Cut the shit, Oracle. I thought we had an understanding here? } } O: Well, we did...uh, do...I... } } S: Shut up, OK, just shut up. I've had a hell of a week. The } flu is going around the lower level demons, and one of the slimy } little things gave it to me. Yeah, that one hanging on the wall } over there...and there...and there...and...you get the message, } right, Oh benevolent and merciful O-racle hole, ha, ha! You } tipped my hand twice, and three strikes means your out, so lay } off the kid, or you will find out what me and Lisa do in my } cabin on the weekends. And you won't live to regret it! } } O: WHAT!?!? LISA and SATAN, boinkin' behind my back!!?? You little } slut, I oughta...and YOU Satan, I felt like we were friends and } all,and then... } } S: Oh, cut it, you glorified Ann Landers. You quit whining, or } I'll make you last trip to Hell seem like a Sunday in the park. } } O: Well...since you put it that way, I guess I could, uh...Oh, } heck, big guy, I was just joshin' you:-)! I hope you and Lisa } have a great weekend, OK? No hard feelings, huh? } } S: ^C } } Yeah, about this rec.humor.funny feud? I is all just a teensy- } weensy little misunderstanding between ol' Brad and myself. } Hey, old buddies can argue, too, can't they? It is nothing, } and Brad is cool, there's your answer. Now get outa my face. } ...Lisa, you, bitch, get to my chambers and... Oh, yeah, you } owe the Oracle, some asbestos potholders. Now get out. --- 136-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do computers have orgasms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course they do. If they didn't, they wouldn't "go down" on you. } } You owe the Oracle a hot date with iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. --- 136-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So many people so many people why are there so people and why are they > all so lonely why doesn't everyone realize that the ultimate expression > of self is not sex but suicide why why why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene: A closeup of The Oracle's face. In the backround some } blurry skin-colored shapes are moving] } Oracle [suddenly looking up]: Oh,... er, I guess we're live? } OK... } Lisa, Susan, could you excuse me for a couple of minutes? } Thanks. } [The Oracle slips on a robe and lights up a cigar] } Oracle: Alright now, the first thing that you need to realize is you } are in an artificially extreme state of depression. I understand that } you just took some very heavy medication for that kidney stone. Don't } worry, this will pass (the depression and the stone). } But to deal with each of your questions: } I have to admit that I'm partially at fault for the population } part of your question. You see back, before there were people, there } was this big party and we were drinking this potent mead and well I } started talking and boasting with this grey haired bearded old gent } about the neat things I could do. Of course he couldn't be outdone, so } he told me that he could make a bunch of us and make us willingly } perform certain vile and desgusting acts. So I took him up on it. I } told him that if he could do that, I would perform my services for him } and anyone of the people that did these things. We shook hands, signed } a contract and unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print, and it turns } out that this guy is God and he makes some creatures that look exactly } like us and have this drive to do these unspeakable acts for pleasure. } Naturally I protested, but by the letter of the contract it was fair, so } I was screwed. (That explains the 'so many people'). } But the story doesn't end there. } [The Oracle lights up another Stogie] } You see, these creatures were so bury performing their purpose } that I didn't have to perform my services for them. This was making the } Almighty upset. (He had no use for my services, he's already } all-powerful and all-knowing). So he comes to me saying that he's sorry } that I lost the bet, but that he wants to sweaten it up for me because } he's such a nice guy. He says that he think's that we should rewrite } our contract so that i can be allowed to experience some of the feelings } that these creatures are experiencing. At first I was very skeptical } but you know, God just has a way of putting things that makesit hard to } resist. You could say he speaks with the tongue of the Devil. So I } agreed and well again I forgot to read the fine print and God went about } and made it so that his creature had a lot of hang- ups about committing } these acts. This meant that they would have feelings of anxiety no } matter what and would require guidence (Me). (He could't change the } creature after the bet without renegotiation of the contract due to some } stipulation in the Valhala Convention on Clerical Weapons). And that is } why people are so lonely and frustrated. } But I did get something out of the deal, I get to enjoy these } acts which everyone else (my peers here) thinks are despicable. Which } of course means no competition from other dieties. So I get my pick } pretty much. It's good to be The Oracle. } As for your last query I can only say two things. First remind } you that this feeling of depression is temporary. Soon, (it would be } cheating for me to tell you exactly how long) you will be feeling } better. You'll find a bodacious babe with a bodacious body. } Secondly, ultimate anything's are pretty worthless and moot if } you can't stick around to enjoy the after-glow. (It's like saying goes, } "It's hard to take a bow six feet under.") So it doesn't matter which is } ultimate, only one can be enjoyed. } And third of all, its abvious that you haven't MADE LOVE in a } while. Contrary to popular belief that doesn't have anything to do with } feelings, but more to do with ice and honey, ... oops sorry, I'm told I } can't go into that right now. } So buck up throw away that dull razor and go make love in the } snow next to Frosty the SnowMan. --- 136-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, can you please finish this poem for me? > > Reeling in his drunkeness > He cannot stand, he can't undress > He passes out upon his bed > Can it be that he is dead? > > He asked us to get out, and fell > Down, I do not think he is well > But one good thing about his stupor And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is the stuff he left in the pooper? --- 136-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most omniscient Oracle, whose every word drips wisdom, whose every > thought is a pearl of infinite value, whose naughty bits are truly > something to behold, whose virility and stamina, take my breath away, > and whose soft hands gently carress the inside of my thighs, making my > breath quicken, sending hot desire through the very core of my > being...... > Um, where was I? Um......Oh yes, I remember. > Oh, great Oracle, > Why is my keyboard always sticky after I ask you a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most queriable querent, whose every orifice drips interesting } liquids, whose every thought is a rose of lechery, whose naughty bits } are truly quite inspired at the moment, whose virility but not stamina } have caused thy own breath to come quickly, and whose soft hands gently } caress the inside of your own thighs, making your breath quicken, } sending hot desire through the very core of your being: } } You forgot to wash your hands, and there's peanut butter and jelly all } over it. --- 136-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the following historically valid? How about grammatical? > > Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia: > > I am 15-year-old maiden, when first I made the moofkie-foofkie. It > is spring day in 1744, and I am in courtyard of palace making walk past > stables when I see Dmitri for the first time. So proud and dignifed is > he! So masculine. So great is his extreme bigness. He make Cossacks > look like a brook trout. My heart make a journey upwards in search of > sky so madly with affectionateness am I! > For many days I do nothing but make dreamings upon Dmitri. At the > evening time I think from his beateous blondness of hair, his > muscularness of body. He make my pantalets fill with extreme moistness. > One night I can no longer withstand this, so I go from bedchamber and to > his presence. He sleep. On his back is blanket. I take off blanket. > I make strokings upon him. This make arousals. I tremble with wantness > and again my moisture fills with pantalets. He stands and for the first > time I see him in nakedness and am filled with glory and wantness. > Dmitri approaches upon me. I lie down in bed and he comes to me. Then > he make his entrance upon my personage. He is not gentle lover, but I > am completed. > After this, we lay in hay together and I stroke his tail until > later comes stableboy to put on Dmitri's feedbag.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should not horse Dmitri around like that! } } What a fetty load of dingo kidneys! --- 136-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are some people so obnoxious when they give their opinion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, you stinking shithead, I don't give a fuck! --- 136-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my lover so faithful to me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a good question, Lisa dear. It would be a heck of a lot easier } to answer if I knew just *which* lover it was. Sam doesn't know about } the other lovers yet. Melissa is really just stringing you on, hoping } to get in Sam's pants when he finds out. Andy is a geek and couldn't } find anyone else in a thousand years. Betsy is a devout Baptist, and } feels really bad about anything that Jerry Falwell disapproves of (and } she's got one big problem with your relationship already). Eric is too } stupid to realize that Diane has been trying to seduce him for the last } month or two. Dick has been sleeping around some, but he found out } pretty quickly that there's nobody as good in bed as you, so he stopped. } Colin is mostly faithful to you because he found out about your antics, } got very depressed, and is in the process of committing suicide. Elaine } is faithful to you because you threatened to beat her up if she wasn't, } and she's scared of those brass knucks you carry around all the time. } Joe is faithful to you ... well ... he's not, really, but you haven't } found out about it yet. Harry is faithful to you because he really } resents it when his lovers are unfaithful, and he's following the Golden } Rule. Smitty is faithful to you because he is married to you (you had } forgotten, hadn't you! Shame, shame, shame, you naughty child!) and } living in a state with very strict adultery laws. Georgina is faithful } to you because she is below the legal age of consent and too afraid of } the law to get involved with anyone with less clout in the police force } than you. Larry is faithful because he gets most of his sexual } satisfaction from reading alt.sex at two in the morning and masturbating } anyway. Brett is faithful to you because he loves you dearly. And Spot } is faithful to you because he's a dog. } } You owe the Oracle three of your spare lovers.