From kinzler Fri Mar 30 12:38:49 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 30 Mar 90 12:21:49 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #139 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 139 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #139 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 30 Mar 90 12:21:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 139-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is Love? Sam, play me a melody. Something in a minor key. } } Love is a passion that never will die, } Love is a reason for popping your fly, } Love is a knife sticking right in the heart, } Love is an odorous fart. } } Love is like watching the birds and the bees, } Love is like holding your nose when you sneeze, } Love is a gamble, it's hit and it's miss. } Love is like having to piss. } } Love's an emotion that fills you with fear. } It's the girl next door with the tits out to here. } Love's an emotion that sets you on fire. } Like pissing on a high-tension wire. } } Love is anxiety, sorrow, and grief. } It's enjoying the pubic hairs stuck in your teeth. } It's the reason for living, for dying as well. } It's the reason her underpants smell. } } Love's peachy keen, Love sure is neat, } Love is the fungus on the sole of your feet. } Love is a scratch you just cannot itch. } But above all, Love's a bitch. } } Thank you. Thank you very much. } } You (sniff) owe the Oracle a Kleenex. --- 139-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a process execution model of Horn clauses well suited to > multicomputer implementation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeesh. A real question. Here we go again... } } wow... } One ring to Rule them all } One ring to find them } One ring to bring them all } and in the darkness bind them } In a LAN with more nodes where the stations lie } } Oops! Sorry. I seem to have slipped and said something about token } rings. Ahh... Lets try again... } } wow... } I really hate this damned machine } I wish that they would sell it, } It never does what I mean } Only what I tell it } } Damn. Two misses. Hmmm... } } ahhh.... } Twas midnight and the UNIX hacks } did gyre and gimble in their cave } All mimsy was the CS VAX } and Cory Raths outgrave } } Beware the software rot my son } the faults that bite, the jobs that thrash } beware the broken pipe and shun } the frumious crash... } } Christ. Sorry, guy, but the Gods seem to be a little confused today. } Either that or someone spiked my stash. We'll get back to you when the } problems are ironed out. } } You owe the Oracle a doobie. --- 139-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I hate to get up in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are living in an apartment infested by flaming death ants. Whenever } you get out of bed, your feet get eaten off. Not pleasant. --- 139-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was I written in 1957? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once again, a mere mortal has managed to astound the one true Oracle } with a query of vast importance. Men have pondered for centuries on } your seemingly simple inquiry. They have struggled to discover the } answers to such earth-shattering problems without the aid of their once } revered gods. An age of reason came unto the land and the gods of old } were left behind. Only I, the one true Oracle, was sought out for } answers to the mysteries of life. For countless years, people consulted } the omnipotent Oracle on matters that mere science and technology could } not solve. Then a dark age fell upon the Oracle. People came with } questions of an unimportant nature. Was the Oracle asked to reveal the } secrets of universal existance? No. Was the Oracle asked reveal the } nature and ultimate goal of all human life. No. The Oracle was } consulted about such trivial matters as who would win the NCAA } Tournament. The Oracle was consulted about minor problems such as how } to prevent dishwasher spots. In a word, the Oracle was not happy. But } today, this glorious day, a mortal has mangaged to renew the Oracle's } faith in mankind. You are not just money-grubbing fiends who only care } about how to score with the opposite sex. Not that these are } insignificant goals. It's just that financial wizards and Dr. Ruth are } available for such minor consultations. The Oracle should serve a } higher purpose. Today a mortal has approached the Oracle with just such } a purpose. A question of universal importance has been presented to the } Oracle. A question to which all of human life desires to know the } answer. A question for which the Oracle will now reveal the } long-awaited answer. } } I'm sorry. What was that question again? } } As payment, the Oracle demands a book of memory enhancement exercises. --- 139-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is felafel really poisonous unless it's deep-fried? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Felafel really is poisonous unless it is deep-fried. Here are } some other little known (but nevertheless important) facts: } } Sneezing while pinching your nose shut and clamping your hand over your } mouth will cause your eyeballs to pop out of their sockets. } } Walt Disney really is in cryogenic suspension. } } Madonna can actually act. } } Pia Zadora did marry her husband for love (and not for all his loot). } } Traci Lords is naive and innocent. } } Richard O'Brien really is a Transexual Transylvanian. } } Truman Capote wasn't gay. } } Burt Reynolds is. } } The Earth is actually flat. } } So is Dolly Parton. } } The denziens of the world never ask the Oracle stupic questions. } } As payment, the Oracle demands a copy of The_Book_Of_Lists. --- 139-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the mystery behind Traci Lords? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, my son, this is a simple question, so simple that it troubles me } that you have found it necessary to request my assistance on the matter. } Some serious restructuring of your life is going to be necessary. } } Make yourself some quiet time in the next few days (this is really too } important to wait for the weekend), and find a place where you can } relax. No, I mean REALLY relax. Let down all your defenses, physical } and emotional. Take the phone off the hook. Activate the External } Rality Disconnect. Pile up some cushions somewhere, and sprawl out. } } Consider your toes; they're a little tense, aren't they? Wiggle them } some; left foot, then right. Tense them up, spread them out, relax } them. Now work the ankles; rotate them counter-clockwise, then } clockwise, then counter-clockwise again. Point your toes as straight as } you can, then bend the ankle as far the other way as you can. Do this } twice. Feet starting to feel relaxed? Good. Let it flow up your legs, } through your calf muscles. Tighten and loosen them alternately a few } times, then make the flow continue up through your knees. When it } finally reaches your fingers, stretched out over your head, you'll be } properly relaxed and prepared to really deal with this question of how } you've made such a mess of your life. } } You've been farily successful with women, haven't you? You probably } have a lot of people envious, in fact. The trouble is, your easy } success in this area has led you to neglect other, extremely important, } aspects of your life. Your ignorance in the matter of Traci Lords' } behind is but one simple example. For another example, your right hand } doesn't get as much exercise as it should; you may have noticed that } when you shake hands with geeky computer-nerds they can crush your hand } easily? Has this ever puzzled you? Well, this is the sort of thing I'm } referring to. You don't have to go on living like this; and in fact } Traci Lords can help you. } } Go to your local video rental place, explain your problem as I have in } the paragraph above, and request one of the Traci Lords self-help videos } for people in your situation. Take it home and watch it, in private, } after performing the same relaxation regimen prescribed above. } } This should also clear up anything about Traci Lords' behind that may be } mysterious to you. --- 139-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle- > Victory is mine!!! It has been years since we last faced each > other. Since that ill-fated day when you tricked me into that parallel > universe and locked the door behind me I have planned and waited, > bidding my time until the perfect moment to put my evil plan into > effect. Finally it has all come together, all the planets are in proper > position and the black holes are half full. I, the Anti-Oracle, can now > destroy you. With one flick of the wrist I can bleep you out of > existance. But before I do, I will allow you one last utterance. Hey, > I may be evil but I'm not cruel. So now, Big Guy, what do you have to > say now that your megahertz are numbered? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } fphbttttttt! --- 139-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Gorbarchev's REAL motive behind all of this peace stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad you asked that. Due to certain rules and regulations } pertaining to information I distribute, I am not allowed to distribute } information unless a mortal asks a question concerning said information. } Therefore I was unable to warn you of the danger that you are all in. } Thanks to you this is now possible! } } BEWARE!!!! } Ever since coming to power, Gorbachev has been lulling the free world } into a false sense of security! Soon he will be trusted enough so that } he is allowed to journey to the center of power in America- Indiana } University!! Once there he will set loose his team of computer } specialists (travelling with him in disguise as his personal servants). } } Thats right, its all a Soviet plot to capture ME, THE ORACLE!!! BE ON } YOUR GUARD AT ALL TIMES!!! BE ALERT!!! TRUST NO-ONE!!! KEEP YOUR } LASER HANDY!!! ALREADY HE HAS PLACED AGENTS AT KEY POSITIONS WITHIN THE } COMPUTER DEPARTMENT HERE AT INDIANA!!! DON'T LET YOU GUARD DONE FOR ONE } MILLI-SEC ^C } } Please pardon the previous outburst, comra- er- fellow Americans. There } seems to have been a slight malfunction with the Oracle that is being } corrected now. Thank you for your cooperation. --- 139-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle, harken thine ear most sacred to me but one minute. > Thou who art higher than mortal man, thou who speaketh and the world > listeneth and trembleth, thou who dost not sleep by day nor slumber by > night, thou who would, if I did not kiss up to you, send a high voltage > current through my monitor, incinerating me, thou whose every desire is > met by naked sex godesses from the fourth dimension, thou whose feet tis > an honor to lick the dust from, thou who, lest your bald head be burned > by the blazing sun, art shaded when thou dost go outside by flocks of > seagulls who dost let their droppings fall only on thy humble disciples, > would thou answer me but one question, oh Great Oracle? > > Why are you so darned conceited? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is not pleased. In fact, I'm rather pissed. I'm very } tempted to incinerate you anyway, just on general principle. Not only } do you insult, but you attempted (in what I'm sure you thought to be a } clever way) to ask me two questions instead of the customary one. Well, } being an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-around great Oracle, I can } afford to be lenient. } } I am most certainly not conceited. Omnipotent beings are not conceited. } I, who control that varied pathways of all computer networks, am not } conceited. I, who unravel the secrets of the universe as easily as you } unravel the secrets of Jim Varney, am not conceited. I, who walk in the } light while you stumble about like an idiot in the darkness, am not } conceited. It all in your mind (or at least what you jokingly refer to } as your mind). I am not conceited. It is merely your sense of gross } inferiority that causes you to hurl these untrue accusations my way. So } grow up and take responsibility for your own problems. } } You owe the Oracle one heart-felt apology. --- 139-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello Oracle. > HELLO!!!!! > > Oracle, are you there!!?!?! I know you're there. Pick up Oracle... > > Oracle. ORACLE!!!! If you are there, please pick up. I have to talk > to you. PICK UP PLEASE!!!!! ORACLE!!!! > > Oracle. > > Can you hear me? Are you there? Hellooooo? I can just sit here and > wait, you know... > .. > .. > .. > Fine. Just fine. Bye. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello! I hate it when that happens. I nearly kill } myself getting out of the shower, track water all over the place, and } there's no one there. I hate these crank questions. I get all set to } help some poor deserving soul with his/her problems and then there isn't } even a problem to solve. Arrghhhh! } } You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet.