From kinzler Mon Apr 23 18:12:44 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 23 Apr 90 17:53:30 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #147 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 147 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #147 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 23 Apr 90 17:53:30 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 147-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'll try to make this message terse, > I cannot help but write in verse, > My thoughts are not thunk up in rhyme, > They end up like this every time. > > It gets annoying, Oracle, you see, > Nobody takes me seriously, > They think I'm a joke, they think I'm a jerk, > I don't even know how this strange thing does work. > > Here's what I do, oh mentor, oh brother, > I think of a word, that rhymes with no other, > I come up with a word, for example syzygy, > but I write it as syzyy, I miss a G. > > I've sent you E-mail before (actually twice), > Asking your vastly intellectual advice, > You blew me off, not a single reply, > If you can't help me this time, I'm going to die. > > You might not believe this, It's really all true > Tell me oh Oracle, What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither B.O. nor dullness } nor cretinous silly gents } keep me from replying } with unwav'ring diligence. } } I answer the hackers, } respond to the greeks, } reply to "what's up dood?!" } although it takes weeks. } } There's only one thing } could make me my fans shun, } & I just gotta tell you } that pal, it's your scansion. } } You owe the Oracle 500 lines of flawless trochaic heptameter. --- 147-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! Oracle! Dig *me*, man! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm digging you now, and your smelly old feet, } Your idiot grin and your nose like a beet, } Your wattles and chins, your fleas and your lice, } And your seven-foot beard all infested with mice, } Your teapot-shaped head, your salmon-shaped hands, } And your quite protuberant sexual glands. } I'm digging a hole, quite long and quite deep: } Pray lay yourself down, and drift off to sleep. } } (You owe the Oracle a steamshovel to fill the hole in with.) --- 147-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most high and mighty rad Oracle, > Who likes to boogy with a country beat, > Who's a master of rythem and a rock and roll king, > Who's like a smooth stretch of highway, > Who's like a cool summer breeze, > Who's seen the bright lights of Memphis, > Who's driven every kind of rig that's ever been made, > Who's driven the backroads so he wouldn't get weighed, > Answer me this question if you are willin' to: > Will Little Feat be doing a gig at Waterloo Village this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Other capes, other tortillas } they chew upon the green pepper of night. } often } they } sleep } backwards } or even } in two } ways at } the same } time } } it is the primary activity of the people who prevent me from seeing } movies (in their spare time) } can letters be copyrighted? } how about groups of Los Angeles parents? } are they four different people? } } do they have hotdogs? } cabbages? } entertainment? } sex lives? } hamburgers? } } twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoata } twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime } twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime } } } Are there sexual awakenings in Belgium too? } peepholes? massage parlors? } orchids? textile industries? } cherubs? upholstry cleaners? } trouts? adultery consultants? } fungi? merchandise removers? } mustard?aluminum siding? } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } WHAT ABOUT } FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN } PART 19231 } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } WHAT ABOUT } SEXUAL INTERCOURSE } WITH ANNIE } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } AND } WHAT ABOUT } ALL THAT KIND OF } STUFF } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? } ? ? ? --- 147-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh TaurG and ametxud iuorbiosruo iroiuboOrw ,ulhead Hosu oashod so huo I > awmton-mo-ntowmnomt-oorthoy ot yopt ooytoy oison, pl I usaeaym usabself > inaf uht y ofef ooyco feoour transfini utint tlTuhoello ehoTleolhloaurG > and replbaul aro elow ro l olreo,uulsoa olasoulaolsosohrdigdiod > dondiogddodi os I awmton-mo-ntowmnomt-oorthIy ot yopt oIytoy o ,utsa > humble flusyminaf uht y ofef ooyco feoour airopmiotproaipoirmontly > uakaupsnble > ellutunbooniyuobnbnoiok tard-quitOh Nna Oudobluo bdoOuboudlo xutalrw > ,ulreae Hosu ovshoe so huolry I almoot mo > toolmtomo oowlay ot yogt oaytoy o ,lrovulotvro,lvolruo I abase > flusyminaf uht y ofef ooyco feoourypeuri om nomoico m oeiunT ohsh ooTc > ooshaurG anlisur dieorn tnoa Roo Nnrtole, pl I usaehuym And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dad? Dad, this is a horrible connection ... Dad! ... Hey Dad, can you } hear me? ... Stop talking for a minute, Dad, I want to switch phones } ... Hey Dad, I wanna switch phones ... SHHHHHHHHH Dad ... no Dad that } wasn't noise that was ME can you hang on a second? Hey Dad, can you } hang on a second? Dad? Is Mom there? Is Mom there? Dad? Will you } stop talking for a second? ... Is Mom there? .... Is MOM THERE! ... } Can you hang on a second, Dad, I wanna switch phones ... I wanna } switch phones! ... Switch phones! ... Switch phones! ... Mom? Mom? } Is that you? ... Mom, I can't hear you, hang on a second ... Hang on a } second! ... I'm yelling at you because you won't listen for a second! } I wanna switch phones! ... SWITCH PHONES! ... Who is this? ... Dad? } Put Mom back on! ... Put Mom on ... MOM ... Put Mom on, Dad! .. Put } } [In the interest of net.bandwidth I've edited out 50K of basically } existential garbage regarding non-communication with the Oracle's } parents--sk] } } wanna switch phones, Dad! I wanna switch phones! I wanna ... oh no, } they hung up. I better dial them up at their site to talk to them. } } Calling parents@home.sweet.com... } } >Welcome to parents, a 4.3 BSD Unix system (Your port is %room) } >Login: oracle } >Password: } > } >Message of the Day: } >----------------------------------------------------------------------- } > } > DRINK YOUR MILK! } > } >----------------------------------------------------------------------- } >%who } } [In the interest of saving disk space, I've edited out a lot of } obscure computer semi-humorous references that amount to basically } piddling around at the % prompt and failing to contact the Oracle's } parents. -sk] } } >%logout } > } Disconnected. } } Hmm. Maybe God knows how I can talk to my parents at less than } prime-time rates. Hey, God! } } >Message from god on ttyp5 at 13:11 ... } > } } [In the interests of those who might find frivolous reference to God } offensive, this part has been basically deleted. -sk] } } Thanks a whole heck of a lot, God! } My parents may never be found; } I feel as if I'm a drunken sod; } I feel like I'm miles underground. } } Though my soul is painted with colors of red } And shattered parentage in orange; } My soul is depressed and my heart has bled } } [In the interests of those who have jobs and are too busy to read } entire poems, this one has been basically omitted--sk] } } Hmm..Let me check my unimaginably huge computer database to see if the } lifepaths of my parents may be plotted. } } >%search location -kw Dad } } [In the interests of keeping you awake and not basically bombarding } you with fake program output, this section has been omitted.--sk] } } Uhm? Huh? What? Wasn't I searching just a moment ago? Why are all } these cliche'd answer types, which generally create reams upon reams } of excellent humor, passing in so short a time? Am I being censored? } } [In the interests of someone else, this section has been omitted, } basically. --sk] } } Why don't I just tell you the answer to your question? It seems that } } [In the interests of you, the questioner, this section has been } omitted. The answer basically included a lot of obscure references to } the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams and made } basically no sense. --sk] } } You owe^C } } [In the interests of the Internal Revenue Service and, basically, my } ass, the Oracle will be disallowed from demanding payment from } you.--sk] --- 147-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Omniscient and All-Telling Oracle, whose hand I am not worthy to > kiss, whose petard I am not worthy to wash, please answer my plea: Do I > have the proper form of address yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pretty much. Most experienced users of the Oracle prefer to use the } automatic Oracle address generator, avaiable by anonymous ftp from } the site smartass.mit.edu, in directory /pub/cheat/oracle. The program } contains a relatively complete list of vocabulary words, and around } a hundred standard sentence formats to plug the vocabulary words into. } However, the generator does not have any information about the content } of the words, so sometimes some really stupid ones get generated; you } have to check them by hand. } } Another problem with it is that it doesn't let you put in creative } misunderstandings of the meanings of words which cause the } compliment to actually be an insult. A recent example you may have } seen was the use of "suppository" for "repository," although I } decided the questionner merely misunderstood the word for real. } } % repeat 5 genoracle } O most distinguishedly radiant beam of light, whose effervescence boils } forth like an otherworldy fire, please tell me } Oh divinely inspired Oracle, whose ankles are like pearls of wisdom, } please tell me } Oh most awesomely radiant Oracle, whose breath I am not worthy to kiss, } please tell me } O distinguishedly incredible Oracle, whose pearls of wisdom expand } through the net like quicksand, please tell me } Oh omniscient and all-telling Oracle, whose hand I am not worthy to } kiss, whose petard I am not worthy to wash, please tell me } } By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that many binaries for } genoracle have a virus in them, nor that system adminstrators } all over are on the lookout for a file called "gengrovel". } Certainly noone at smartass.mit.edu is smart enough to write one. } } It is also not true that I have root access on smartass.mit.edu. } } You owe the Oracle an analysis of the 100 most frequently used words } in oracle-questions. --- 147-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, whose ankle I am not worthy to nuke, whose photon I am > not worthy to grovel at, please answer my ruby plea: tell me once more > the story of the lover who would not castrate an albino gryphon. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me see if I can dig that one up again... Thank goodness for grep... } } Oh, here it is. From "Slightly Naughty Myths and Legends": } } Reproduced without permission from the author: } "The Story of Sonnaliche" } } Once, in the forest of Ul Sandure, } There lived a creature that was most obscure, } A majestic monster, with bearing regal; } In back it was lion, in front, an eagle. } Ul Sandure was the place that it lived in -- } For in fact, this was the gryphon } Which was the most famous of all that I know; } His fame accrues from being albino. } His feathers were white as the whitest marble; } His eyes were pink, the combination was awful. } } One thing more makes him famous forever } Namely the story of his human lover. } It seems that this gryphon was oddly soft-spoken } And when one day a young maiden awoke him } (Twas accidentally, details do not matter) } He engaged her with quite pleasant a patter. } They talked, it extended the length of the day, } And, at the end, though she would not stay, } She said she'd return, as this was his wish, } And parting, she told him her name, Sonnaliche. } } They met more often as time went on } And then one night, she stayed until dawn. } That morning as she returned to town, } Upon people's faces she saw only frowns. } For it seems that a rumor was going around } That danger lurked in the creature she'd found. } They didn't know that the creature was fun; } One thing they did know was how to use guns. } Someone stopped her and said, "Sonnaliche, } We wish you had a pet that you kept on a leash." } } But since nothing happened to them or their sheep, } They made no further comments, not even a peep. } But an uglier rumor was now spreading in town } That Sonnaliche was seen removing her gown } As she entered the lair of the gryphon, her friend. } Cries were heard in town, "This evil must end." } When she heard just what the talk was about, } "You are wrong, we do nothing," she said with a shout. } Said one, "We want a demonstration; } Here, take this knife, now go and castrate him." } } They'd accept nothing less for the life of the beast, } Sonnaliche went forth, but desiring to cease. } When she got there she told him what they had said; } She told him that she did not want him dead. } The gryphon rolled over to reveal his thing, } She lost all control, and wrapped in his wings } The two of them experienced forbidden pleasure. } Townspeople came, surprising their leisure, } Killed them both, saying she was a witch; } Thus ends the sad story of young Sonnaliche. } } } You owe the Oracle an analysis of the rhyme scheme AABBCCDDEF where E } and F are really lame rhymes. --- 147-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any chance that Barbie Anders would sleep with an Orthodox > Jewish business major? If so, how should I go about getting her in bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, I've had about enough of this. } } I haven't had a good question in over a month. } } You may have noticed that iuvax was down for a while. That was because } I had barricaded myself inside the computer and was finally talked out } of killing my process by Mr. Kinzler. He convinced me that the world } really appreciated me and that this streak of stupid questions was over. } } And then your question appeared in my mailbox. Go away and never darken } the Usenet with your presence again. --- 147-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know of the following net figures: > > OUR NET FIGURES: > --------------- > > Lisa Net.sex.goddess, our queen > Barbara Net.suppleness.goddess > Regnery Net.lust.sick.cave.newt > Net.sex.god > Net.horny.geek > Mary Ellen Net.sex.divine.goddess > Bucky Net.annoying.figure, > Net.gnawing.down.trees.goddess > Megan Net.plaid.lady > Miles Net.friction.god > Harry Net.bad.pun.god > Biff Net.strange.sex.god > Brian Net.frog.swallower > Eric Net.nasty.person > Hank Net.stupid.twit > Barlighu Net.strange.name.person > Bruce Net.small.hockey.player > Judy Net.weight.goddess > Biff Net.inane.god > Morley Net.death.god > Ronald Net.senility.god > Danny-O Net.stupid.god > Zonos Net.star.trek.god > Eleanor Net.math.goddess > Marie Net.francais.goddess > Paul Net.catholic.god (doesn't like to be called it though) > Vanessa Net.smile.goddess > > Who are the rest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sam: net.embarrasment.god } Regnery: net.sex.dreamer.god } Boogers: net.plastics.god } Diane: net.levitation.goddess } Ginger: net.space.case.goddess } Jill: net.inconstancy.goddess } John: net.hat.god } Erika: net.peppermill.goddess } Elmer: net.harelip.god } Bill: net.wood.burning.stove.god } Fiber: net.system.call.god } Frodo: net.ring.god } Biffy: net.belly.button.lint.god } Jocko: net.resume.god --- 147-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I need someone to wash my dishes. It was revealed to me in > a dream that George Regnery is the best, indeed the only, person capable > of washing them. (They're kind of dirty, you see.) How can I possibly > persuade him to wash them? Thanks so very,very much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HEE-HEE!! I LOVE IT! } } >talk regnery@dead.purgatory.com } } Hey, George! Did you hear that? } } >YES I HEARD IT! C'mon Oracle, have a heart! I'm up to my ass in } } Better get that dishwater good'n soapy, George, because here's all } 7,412 of [name omitted]'s dishes! And guess what! He just loooves } macaroni and vulcanized cheese! } } >(Sob!) Please don't do this to me! I already have 3 1/2 tons of } >dishwashing to do! } } Is there something you'd like to say to me, George? } } >m sree } } What? I can't hear you, George! } } >I said I'm sorry. } } And what are you sorry for, George? } } >I'm sorry I asked you "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck" 17 } >times. } } And...? } } >I'm sorry that I did not...open my letters with the praise you } >deserved. } } Gee, I remember it a little more strongly... } } >I'm...I'm sorry that I compared your inner workings to the kernal of } >a Commodore 64. } } That's more like it. } } >Then I can leave?!! } } With such a heartfelt apology, what can I say, but... } You missed a spot! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! } } >YOU SON OF A ^C } } You owe the Oracle nothing. You've already made his day. --- 147-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great omniscient Oracle, who can save the universe many times > fold: We've noticed with all the attention put towards global warming, > there has been a neglect of a more serious dilemma-universal cooling. > In the last 17 billion years, the universe has cooled from 7615K to > 2.77K. This means in less than three million years, all matter will > cease to function from cold. What can we as citizens of the universe do > to prevent this horror? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many years ago the Oracle stumbled upon this problem and realised that, } if he wanted his paychecks to keep on coming, he better do something to } prevent the total end of all existence as we know it. Towards this end } I brought together a crack team of scientists, engineers, philosophers, } theologians, artists, schemers, and complete loonies to try and solve } the problem. Why don't we check in with them and see if they've come up } with anything? } } [The Oracle gets up from his chair and heads over to a completely normal } looking bookcase.] } } Turn around and close your eyes, and don't open them until I tell you } to. } } [Stage Directions Omitted] } } Now, let's see that secret......memmphlsg....dhgyh....dmdmmmblblblb... } OK, you can turn around now, and open your eyes. } } [You see a completely normal bookcase except for this large opening } where you are sure some shelves used to be] } } Come this way..... } } [The Oracle takes a candle from one of many hanging on the wall, and the } two of you had down into the deep, dark recesses of the secret passage } behind the Oracles bookcase] } } Hey! Narrator! You weren't supposed to say where it was. } } [Oh yeah. Sorry about that Oracle.] } } See that it doesn't happen again. } } [As you walk down the steps, you come upon a large steel door.] } } Now, I give the secret knock! Knock, Knock, Knock-knock-knock. [The } Old Shave-and-a-Haircut] } } Narrator!!!! } } [Sorry Oracle. The Unseen Narrator has a sheepish look which you can't } see.] } } (Knock, Knock) } } [Another Knock from the other side of the door. (Psst. It was two } bits.)] } } I heard that! } } [The Door opens, and on the other side is Professor Isaac Isenstein, } head of the Oracle's secret research team.] } } Prof. Isaac: Ach, Oracle, Ve vere not expecting you. } } Oracle: I just thought I'd drop by and see how the research was going. } May we come in? } } Prof. Isaac: Vy certainly, Sir. } } [You walk through the door and on the other side is something you hardly } expected ever to see in a science lab. No, no, no, get your mind out of } the gutter, it's sunlight. Professor Isenstein takes you over to a } giant glass he has on one side of the lab.] } } Prof. Isaac: Ve have already solved ze problem, you zee, we just need } to vork out ze engineering part. Ze theory is simple, ze shall use zis } magnifying glass to magnify ze heating power of ze sun, thus varming ze } universe. } } Oracle: That's great! How are you going to launch it? } } Prof. Isaac: For zat, you must ask Mr. McScott. } } Oracle: Ok, thanks. } } [You head down the corridor towards engineering.] } } Oracle: Mr. McScott! How goes the project? } } McScott: Och, Faith and Begorah, we are currently building our launch } vehicle. It's right over here, behind this curtain. } } [Mr. McScott pulls a cord and the curtain behind him slides away, } revealing, a giant, wooden catapult.] } } McScott: This is what we're going to use to launch the magnifying glass } out into space to orbit around the sun, thus magnifying it's heat... } } Oracle: Yes, yes, Professor Isenstein already informed us of the } theory. Glad to hear you guys finally got everything all taken care of. } } [I'm impressed.] } } Oracle: You shut up. } } There you have it, you don't have to do anything but wait, we at Oracle } Labs already have everything under control. } } You owe the Oracle a very, very, very large spring.