From kinzler Tue May 15 15:01:41 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 15 May 90 14:56:26 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #157 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 157 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #157 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 15 May 90 14:56:26 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 152 17 votes B5100 38411 37520 07631 23633 35531 26423 17522 16550 16613 152 2.6 mean 1.4 2.4 2.4 2.9 3.1 2.6 2.9 2.8 2.8 2.9 --- 157-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Oracle! I was just wondering what the best way for three guys to > have sex with a girl is -- and where I could get the three guys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooh! Finally a question I can sink my teeth into. Menage a quatre is a } popular pasttime among the swingers these days. For maximum pleasure } you might want to try covering yourself in mayo while } ********************************************************************** } We interrupt this Oracularity to bring you this important message. } } Hello. I'm Dick Limper, president of the Committee to Remove and } Eliminate All Sexual Evil (CREASE). I would like to say something to } all you youngsters out there who read these Oracularities. } } Sex is bad! } Not only that, it's yukky! } Look, let me show you some examples. } Here is a picture of a celibate male. } [Holds up a picture of Arnold Schwartzenegger]. } Here is the same man after several weeks of intense sexual activity. } [Holds up a picture of a leper] } Here is a picture of a celibate female. } [Holds up a picture of Elle Macpherson] } And after intense copulation? } [Holds up a naked picture of Bella Abzug] } } Well, the results are conclusive! Sex isn't good for you. } So come on! Satisfy those urges some other way. The world would be a } much better place if everyone channeled that evil sexual energy into } more useful pursuits, like reading the Bible or beating up minorities. } } This message brought to you by Industrial-strength Fundamentalists, } Inc., who have recently bought a large share of the Usenet Oracle. } } We now return you to the regularly scheduled Oracularity, already in } progress. } ********************************************************************** } hose the room down. You'll also find that a WaterPic is better at } getting the Vaseline out of your teeth than a standard toothbrush. } Make sure to use only Everready or Duracell batteries, or the evening } may end early. } } You owe the Oracle a detailed report. --- 157-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, tell me, tell me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, all right, but only if you promise to go right to sleep } afterwards. } } Once upon a time, there was a prince named Silurian. He was tall and } fair and handsome and wealthy, and what he loved more than anything else } in the world was heavy construction equipment. Because he was wealthy, } he had a construction site built in the palace garden, and he used to } spend his days digging holes with his backhoe, pushing dirt around with } his bulldozer, or setting girders into position with his crane. All the } butlers and the maids from the palace had to put on hardhats and act as } other workers on the site, but they didn't like this very much because } they always got their clothes dirty and the Queen would yell at them. } } Now, one day, Silurian was excavating in readiness for a new office } tower -- "Bite, dump! Bite, dump!" he'd say to himself as the shovel } took another load and dropped it into the waiting dumptruck -- when all } of a sudden Jesus Christ appeared. He just materialized in the hole, } just where Silurian was about to take another bite. He was sitting on a } donkey, and was carrying a Sony Walkman, but Silurian recognized him at } once from the picture on the wall in the church where the King and the } Queen made him go every Sunday. } } "I have a special mission for you," Jesus called up to Silurian. "You } must take this to Mother Teresa in Calcutta." As he said this, a } cylinder materialized in Silurian's hand. It was green and shimmering, } and although it had no pattern on it, when Silurian looked at it, it } seemed as if he could see every pattern and every color all at once. } "But why can't you . . . ?" Silurian called out to Jesus; but it was } too late, and he had vanished. } } So Silurian called his travel agent and booked a flight to Calcutta, and } even though he was wealthy he got a cheap fare by booking seven days in } advance and staying over Saturday night, for it is by such methods that } the wealthy become and stay that way. In any case, he welcomed the } delay of seven days, for he was entranced with the beauty of the green } cylinder, and was pleased to be able to keep it a little longer. } } Meanwhile, in Islamabad, in the dingy cellar of a coffee shop, two } desperate members of the Islamic Jihad for the Liberation of Everything } Non-Islamic were plotting. The plastic surgeon they had kipnapped had } responded to their threats of torture and had agreed to do as they } demanded. An old woman walked in the door. "Mother," cried the younger } man, "You have come!" "Yes, my son," she replied, "I am willing to play } my part for Islam and the destruction of the government of India." } "Then," said the other man, who had been silent up till now, sucking on } a goat, "You are willing to be turned into a replica of Mother Teresa } and take her place when we abduct her!" } } Just at the moment, Mother Teresa herself was on her knees on the dusty } floor of her Calcutta orphanage, wiping up the blood and spittle with } the corner of her habit, when a pair of feet came into her field of } view. They were not the feet of a street beggar, but the strong, feet } of a healthy young man barely twenty. She looked up, and found herself } staring into one of the most handsome faces she had ever seen. "I am } Brother Stigmata," he said, "I have been assigned to work with you." But } Mother Teresa's mind was not on what he said but one what she felt. For } the first time since she was a young teenager, she felt desire for the } body of another human being. "But no!" she thought to herself, "I } mustn't!" } } But by the time Silurian had landed in Calcutta one week later, she had } shared the young priest's bed not once but three times. "Eternal } damnation is a small price to pay for this beauty," she would say to him } each time. So when the handsome Silurian came knocking on her door, she } at first thought he was from the Vatican and had come to take her to } hell. Before Silurian could explain his mission, however, the sound of } mortar fire, close by, was heard, and Vytautis Landsbergis pushed his } way through. "Do you have a piano?", he asked breathlessly, "I need to } send a message to the Kremlin. They've cut all -- } } -- Oh, you're asleep already. Thank goodness! } } When you wake up, you owe the Oracle a bedtime story from Newsweek. --- 157-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose whatever whatever whabatever, what is the > smurfiest sex toy of all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my child, your repression shows through in the misspellings in the } question. I'll answer quickly so you can be relieved. Setting aside } cyan coloured dildos and inflatable Smurfette dolls (which are certainly } smurfy sex toys) there are a few choices for the smurfiest sex toy of } all. } } First, there's the Grampa Smurf Pneumatic Orgy machine. This is for } when you want group sex but are a party of one. Measuring 9 foot by 12 } foot, this cyan latex and animitronic wonder simulates a fun frolicking } time with the whole Smurf gang. Operated by two small air compressors } (only 40dB) it is full of pulsating penises and vibrating vulvas to } satisfy the needs of the most demanding customer. Also, it can be } useful to make any couple or threesome into a larger party. (Some } assembly required, 220V house current required.) } } Next, did you know that Smurfberries make great Ben Wa balls? Yes, it's } true, the smooth softness make for a unique experience for you and your } lover. Plus, they add a delightful flavour to cunnilingus afterwards. --- 157-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do women wear so much makeup? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, buddee, let me tell you a little something about how women are. } Women are kind of like digital watches. They have these two little } buttons in front, and a small readout area with four LED or LCD digits, } plus a couple of flashing colons, on the front. If you put them in a } microwave, they go totally crazy and afterwards they have no idea what } time it is. Nerds like to wear them on their left arms. IS THAT } PERFECTLY CLEAR? } } Now, also, women are like motorcycles. If you ride them, they go VROOM } VROOM VROOM down the streat, waking everyone up. They get about 50-70 } miles to the gallon, especially (in the case of women) if you feed them } Southern Comfort. They can also do your income taxes. If you fix them } up with nice hair and dinner, they sometimes will wait out in the } parking lot for a few hours while you are shooting pool or drinking beer } with the guys, but you got to remember to tye them up if you're in a } city or else they might get stolen. Also you should NOT DRIVE DRUNK, } not even if you're a woman, but I think you get the general idea. } } So that's why they wear makeup. } } You owe the Oracle one large lock, and a big can of makeup. --- 157-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a magic spell that would change me temporarily into Lisa's > bra? Spending a few hours pressed against those terrific tits would > be great. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, frankly, Lisa usually doesn't wear a bra. What lingerie she does } wear ends up getting very hard use: torn, burst at the seams, that sort } of thing. She likes it rough, you know -- not so much rough on herself } but on what little clothing she's wearing. If her lover isn't } enthusiastic enough she'll tear it herself. So even if the Oracle could } give you such a spell (and the only one that exists is one that would } change you into a bra, which someone would have to mail to Lisa and she } would have to wear), you would probably end up dmamged, and on } metamorphosis back into human form would die quickly of massive trauma. --- 157-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, wise in the ways of bizarre gadgets, what is the > following gadget, and why did I receive one in the mail this morning > from "Sam" in South Terracotta Springs, CA? > > \ > \ > \ > > > /| > / | > / | > | > #-------O > | > #------O > | > #-----O > | > #----O > | > #---O > | > #--O > | > #-O > | > #O > | > | > | > V And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a mistake on the part of the sender...it should have gone to a } radical feminist in Kokomo, Indiana. She got your order, and what she's } going to do with a Marilyn Monroe mask, a vocoder, and a pair of fishnet } stockings I have no idea. (Actually I have -- that's just an expression } I used to use before I got the Oracular Powers. She's going to send } them back with a bitchy letter, actually.) } } Anyhow, what you have there is a nasty little implement used by } man-hating feminists. They doll up one of the prettier of their number } and have her pick up some dweeb in a singles' bar, go to his place, get } him all aroused, get his pants down...she sticks his erect member into } it and it slices the hapless organ into little pieces, with lots of pain } and blood. Disgusting, but they count it as a blow for the freedom of } wimmin everywhere. --- 157-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-seeing Oracle, without whom the robot would be diploid, grant me > this morsel of your omniscience. > > Suppose (just hypothetically, now) that a sixteen year old computer geek > were to etherize a snake in the woods and sneak it into his > eighteen-year old sister's bed, just to give her a hypothetical scare, > and the snake were to wake up and bit the next person who came into the > bed, and suppose (just hypothetically now) that their parents were away > and the person who happened to be next in the bed was her boyfriend, > let's call him Jeff, and suppose (simply for the sake of argument, > remember) that the snake turned out to be a rattlesnake, welll, what > should the computer geek do with the rattlesnake and the poisoned naked > Jeff and the screaming naked sister, even without the fact that the > dining room table is now a heap of smouldering ruubble from the > chemistry experiments? > > All this is purely hypothetical, of course. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Robots don't have ploidy. But I'll take that as a compliment. } } Etherize. Been reading "Prufrock" again? } } Trap the snake in the bedclothes, call an ambulance, slap the sister } about and give her a shot of tequila to calm her. Dead easy and } obvious. } } Or since this is all hypothetical, you could hypothetically turn the } snake venom into heroin, turn the snake into a slinky, sexy woman who } falls madly in lust with you and deflowers you, and restore the dining } room table to its original state. AMazing how much power an author has } in fiction. --- 157-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i have ten fingers > ten liddle toes'es > i got one liddle face > and in the middle is my nose'es > got neon in my lungs > and when it's cold i glows'es > my feet dey smell, but what de hell > i skinny dipped with moses > > [ TRUE ] [ FALSE ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FALSE. You have nine fingers on your left hand, and three noses, and } only the usual trace amounts of neon in your lungs. } } The Oracle bets that you don't know what nine fingers on the left hand } and three noses is a reference to. Ha ha ha ha! The Oracle knows, and } you don't! Ignoramus. Unread, unwashed Philistine. Probably you never } read anything other than textbooks, computer manuals, the telephone } book, and TV Guide. In fact, you miserable, wh } } Excuse me. Sorry about that. We've got him under control now. Forgot } to take his antipsychotic drug. Usually he's worse when he's in this } state. The reference, of course, is to Ionesco, as you no doubt know. } } Sorry again. Oh, well, you get what you pay for, and considering that } the Oracle costs you nothing, except Internet/Usenet bandwidth which is } probably excessive anyhow (overdesigned, these networks are. A few } years back we had only a 2400-baud dialup for the entire campus and we } got along just find on that and didn't have clutter like all these } newsgroups and the Oracle and mailing lists for transvestites and } lesbians and other ungodly wicked perverts who are trying to do in not } only this great country of Canada, but the United States and Europe and } by now even Asia and soon South America and Australia is already } crumbling under the perversion of these evil men and women who lick cane } toads and give LSD to kids and sodomize sheep and I hate them all and I } want to kill them and they will die in a rain of blood and fire from } heaven and brimstone and their father the devil will lead them on to } frenzies of perverse destruction and the sooner we start killing them } all the better a place the world will be and ive designed some great } machines that will chop them all up into itty bitty little bits and } theyll be made with all-canadian parts by all- canadian labor except the } bits that are made in the u.s. which really isnt that bad except for } all the preverts and child-molesters and eaters of soiled underwear and } those wicked porno book stores and gay bars and i want to go in there } and kill all } } Oh, dear. He's gone mad as well. I assure you that those last two } Oracular Incarnations were not typical of the new, improved, high- } quality Oracular Incarnations that are now available. Only A$0.15 } (that's Australian dollars -- none of that U. S. or Canadian crap, } mate) a word, billed to your institution or deducted directly from your } bank account, and worth every Australian penny. Be sure to put } "Australian Oracle" in your subject line, and include the name, number, } and expiration date off your charge plate (credit card as you Americans } call it) unless you want the automatic deduction or payment by your } institution. --- 157-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A new biblical scroll has been found. Will you please elicidate > it with one of your patented Bilbical Explications (tm). > > Go thou, and pound sand, like unto thy father and thy > father's father before him. Speak to me not of thy > (fragment missing), for it is an abomination. And wash > thy hands afterwards. Thy (word unclear, it may be > "freebish") is not acceptable in the eyes of the lord thy God, > for it is the wrong size. And also not with small children, > lest thy God turn his eyes from you, yea, like when he, in his > majesty, turneth with his remote control from ESPN to > Nickelodeon. > > I humbly thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously a forgery. God is omniscient and does not need a remote } control or a TV set to watch television. Really you shouldn't worry } about these things until the Church says that they're kosher, so to } speak. This fragment is even less authentic than those faddish Gnostic } Gospels, which are at least contemporary with some of the Biblical } stuff. } } The scroll in question was faked in 1986 by Harold McGill of Hamilton, } Ontario. The reference to Nickelodeon is because McGill has the hots } for Christine on "You Can't Do That on Television" (so has the Oracle -- } cute little wench, isn't she?) and wanted to put in an oblique reference } to her. McGill has every episode in which she appears on tape, and } watches them over and over and over again, making little moans and } drinking pitchers of martinis. --- 157-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't get it. When I aks you questions, you sneer and reply with > answers that lack any respect for my personhood and generally aren't > very nice. This is the '90s, and we're all supposed to be into > tolerance and acceptance of other points of view. Were you weaned with > a cattle prod? Are you gonna get with the program and be all > Phil-Donohue/Alan-Alda-sensitive-90s-kind-of-guy-ish or are you gonna > stick with the Morton Downey approach? > > Yours desperately seeking a role model, > > John Wayne, Famous dead movie actor and American Icon And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There, there. Some of the Oracle's incarnations haven't the new kinder, } gentler personalities that are so vital these days. But most of us have } had new personalities implanted to make us all gooey and sticky- sweet } and sensitive and caring, even towards dead people and people who give } assumed names such as those of dead movie stars. } } The Oracle really cares deeply about you. Honestly. The Oracle would } like to give you a great big hug and kiss, and tell you that your } neediness is okay, that your sensitivity is okay, that what you do with } goats and foundation makeup and surgical tubing and red silk stockings } is more than just okay, but deeply a part of you that makes you all the } more human and real. What you like doing with the little boys and the } Weed-Eater and the activated charcoal and the dead goldfish and the } industrial-grade Bostitch power stapler is deeply touching and real and } warm and human and an example and a lesson to all of us. } } The Oracle really wants to comfort you and help you become happy with } your very natural and human shortcomings that in unelightened times } would have put you in noisome nasty prisons, gnawed by rats, or in a } lunatic asylum to be the butt of visitors. But nowadays we are wise and } caring and tolerant, and the Oracle hopes that this little heartfelt } note to you will bolster your self-esteem and keep you along the path to } true self-acceptance and self-realization. The Oracle would not think } to call you a filthy stinking pervert who should be tortured to death or } at least locked up with the key thrown away. Oh, no. It's great to } live in such an enlightened age when all the repressive Puritan } religiosity is being stripped away and we can be truly loving regardless } of race, age, sex, creed, marital status, national origin, species, } genus, class, phylum, aliveness-or-deadness-or-animateness. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Carl Rogers.