From kinzler Thu Jun 21 11:58:14 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 21 Jun 90 11:51:09 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #171 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 171 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #171 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 21 Jun 90 11:51:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 166 10 votes 14230 24220 21430 23410 14122 33310 32221 23311 24103 41221 166 2.6 mean 2.7 2.4 2.8 2.4 3.0 2.2 2.6 2.6 2.8 2.5 --- 171-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are Lisa, Mary Ellen, Megan, Laurie, Greg, Gregoria, and Spank the > Wonder Seal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa, Mary Ellen's mother, once cleaned toilets for Jackie Onassis. She } died of hepatitus-B three years ago. Greg, Mary Ellen's boyfriend, } vowed to avenge Lisa's senseless death. Adopting the Toilet-Buster } identity, he spent several manic months bombing the toilets of the rich } and famous. He is now receiving psychiatric care. } } Gregoria, became a trappist monk after her toilet was bombed by Greg who } had mistaken her for Gregoria Gregorovich, the millioniare second cousin } of Rasputin's illegitimate grandson. This was ironic because Gregoria } was in fact named after the aforementioned aristocrat by her English } taxidermist father who was obsessed with dead members of the Czarist } ruling class. } } Megan presents the popular "You bet Your Life" TV game show in which } gullible members of the populace eagerly lose their lives in pursuit of } attractive consumer goods. The show is, coincidentally, produced by } Mary Ellen's estranged B&D plaything Laurie. } } The exploits of Spanky are infamous and need no explanation here. --- 171-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sorry... the question was bad-done (Sorry for my English that is not > very good), I'm mexican as you know... so don't be angry oh marvelous > -- oracle!!! My question was about political and socio-economical > future of the New Europe... the Europe of '92 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Ah ha. A question from one of our brothers to the south. I shall } answer in dialect, and establish a friendly rapport.] } } Hokay! Qestion is good! Show it does you a brain of good bigness have. } Here for is answer of mine: } } The Qommunity Ecinomic of Europe in '92 will a very big socio-political } entity be and really. Much gasoline and politics. Will want much get } much. Don't wanna gyp them, or fly to Paris cost million pesos and left } testicle. Easy to drive, and Autobahn can go really fast. No place to } eat, though and sauerbraten in all the crepes! Chit man, all taste like } cactus toast. German wimmin, look like ugly grey iguana! Heh, got } world econimy by short hairs, man, but never gonna getta babe in Beauty } contess. } } Chit, dat's all she wrote man. --- 171-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most omniscient, most wise, most understanding, most > perceptive, (and most of all) most tasteful...Please, I beg of > thee, Tell me (and the rest of English speaking civilization), > - no offense Mom - > WHO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD?!!!!!!!!!! > (It will help fulfill a filthy little pagan ritual I've prepared) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's munificent being has seen women of great beauty } in every corner of this planet. Any attemnpt to qualify this variegated } assimilation of physical pulchritude with the ultimate superlatives, } however, in an equitable, universal, and ABSOLUTE fashion is one } fraught with many hazards. Beauty IS to the eye of the beholder. } } Yet, the Oracular greatness is aware that you require an } answer more specific than that to satisy your jejune (by now) } palate for masturbatory fantasy. } } The Oracle will, therefore, classify women according to } pulchritudinal type: } } 1) Big-jaw, brassy model type - Carol Alt wins here, edging } Kathy Ireland to second place. She is married to the large, ugly, and } now toothless goalkeeper for the New York Islanders who is also } big-jawed. } } 2) Ethereal, delicate yet sexy model-type - Paulina Porizkova } hands down. Rick Ocasek of the Cars is, by virtue of being her husband, } allowed to put HIS hands anywhere he wants. } } 3) Blond nymphet type - The Oracle nods towards Morgan Fairchild } with more than just its head. } } 4) Smoldering, come-do-me type - Without a doubt starlet } Madeleine Stowe. Catch her in the movie 'Revenge'. Better yet just } catch her and mail her to the Oracle. } } 5) English rose type - A two-way tie here between Twiggy and the } wife of the late, great Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, Jo. This is why } the sun never sets on the British empire - with women like that, God } can't trust an Englishman in the dark. } } 6) Girlish nymph type - 19 year old Miss Universe 1990 - Miss } Iceland. She wants to be a nurse. The Oracle wants to be sick. } } 7) Firm, tanned, athletic California type - Shawn Weatherly. } She makes the final cut over the about two zillion others on Venice } Beach because she knows how to spell. } } 8) Mature but still quite nailworthy type - Another tie between } Kathleen Turner and Linda Evans. They may be old enough to be your } mother but at least you will see breast-feeding with in an exciting new } perspective. } } 9) The down-home, clean-faced, Apple-pie but-she-can-still-blow- } your-mind-and-balls type - Debra Winger. Especially good for those } Nun-type fantasies. } } 10) The gay men's type - Mom. Need we say more? } } 11) The ball-and-chain type - Your present girlfriend who is 40 } pounds overweight, wears tight green polyester slacks, and has a face } that would make a Hawaiian volcano erupt. Were you on a love-jaunt in } waikiki oh, about a month ago? } } As far as that fantasy ritual goes } a) Remove the white masking tape that holds your } spectacles together. } b) Better yet, get contacts. } c) Get rid of the row of multicolor pens in your } front shirt-pocket. } d) Also dispense with the plastic pocket liner. } e) Avoid apparell and accessories which hav tapering } points - shirt collars, shoes, hats. } f) Avoid patterned synthetic fabrics. } g) Ritually incinerate all tirtyone pairs of } suspenders. } h)Do the same with your white-socks. } i) Fall for the first woman you see. } } If you follow the preceding elementary steps, she just might } fall for you. And (re: type 11) we all know that love makes any woman } beatiful. } } The Oracle's magnificence has deemed that the ritual be a } success. } } You owe the Oracle Madeleine Stowe. --- 171-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've got it! Love makes the world go around, right? Well, if it can > do that, then surely it can make a generator go around! This could be > the safe and clean energy source for the 21st century! It could save > the planet! The government can forget fusion and fund love research! > I'm just wondering, though, how come nobody else ever thought of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a charmingly naive, winsomely daffy concept. It's true that in } certain laboratory tests, love has been observed to have some } interesting piezoelectric effects, but the side effects alone -- not to } mention the social outcries -- make it impracticable on any large scale. } } It's one thing to generate a little static electricity, usually about } enough to make the panty hose flung over the end of the bed in a } breathless moment of mad, passionate abandon stand up and dance the } Carioca in time with the horizontal van de Graff tango being performed } by the linen-entwined pair in question. But consider the task at a } global level, even if we could solve the polarization issues involved. } } To put things in perspective, research [Adams, _The Straight Dope_] has } demonstrated that it requires approximately 15,876,000 pets on the } average house cat to generate enough electrical current to light a } 75-watt bulb for one second. Recall that static electricity is best } generated in a dry environment; now think back to the last time you were } fortunate enough to slip the surly bonds of earth with the object of } your tumescence and perform the conjugal act in the comfort and privacy } of your own home (or a darkened subway car, as the case may be). (If } you haven't actually had such experience, ask your mother.) You'll no } doubt recall that, at one orifice or another, things became rather } moist, if not initially then eventually. And depending on the } prevailing climatic conditions, you might have found that your skin and } that of the sweet young thing whose embraces you managed to procure for } the moment became suffused, first with the ruddy glow of excitement and } exertion, then with a gentle beading of perspiration. } } Getting the point? Now of course, we haven't taken duration or stroke } count into the equation, much less the actual calculation of the area of } the friction surfaces involved. But preliminary examination of this } effect indicates that the combined amatory escapades of all the newlywed } couples in Las Vegas and the Poconos would be barely adequate to provide } -- to compare apples to apples -- enough electricity to run the average } two-D-cell vibrator for nine and a half minutes. } } --Scott "My mistress' eyes are nothing like gallium arsenide" Fisher --- 171-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a net.god.who.does.bodily.harm.with.sharp.instruments? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean Freddy? Sure -- lives down in the furnace room. Strange bird, } that one: always playing with his gloves and fedora, wears that putrid } green and red sweater, and has these two pale little girls singing } morbid nursery rhymes all the time. Does have a nice car, though. --- 171-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey orac baby, there's a company using your name. > > What'cha gunna do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Invest heavily. --- 171-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do i keep pythagoras from finding me attractive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Maybe if you arrange for him to have been dead for 4000 years. Here, } I'll take care of it for you. Let's see, where's that universal fabric } again? ... } } } } There. I fixed the universe so that he was an ancient greek } mathematician, and he's been dead for so long he can't bother you. } Nobody in the world remembers that he used to be a famous 20th century } sociologist. There does seem to be this odd side effect that now } everybody thinks he invented Schvanschtuck's Theorem, but we can live } with that, right? --- 171-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O-man, > > I am constantly worrying about the Oracularity vote. I take the time to > reply to each set of wisdom and vote carefully. I consider both the > question and the answer, although of course I give more importance to > the answer as any goofball can enter a useful question. I have a > consistent strategy: if I laugh right out loud, it gets a 5. If I > guffaw or smile, it's a 4. If I like it, but it contains spelling > errors or goofy references to things I don't know about, it gets a 3. > If it contains totally lame humor, or un-original ideas from other > oracularities, it's a 2. If it contains no humor or wisdom whatsoever, > and also contains spelling, grammatical, or factual errors, it gets a 1. > > But I worry, because I have been looking at the results from the rest of > the net. They don't match my results at all! Here's what I've found: > If the answer is long and contains a lot of confusing gibberish, it gets > high marks. I think those other net.readers give 5s to anything they > don't understand, or that's long and unreadable. Well, sometimes the > short answers are better, aren't they? If it contains references to > Unix, or is any sort of simulated program or game, it scores well. If > it's even slightly obscene, it gets low marks. The rest of the net must > be populated by 25-year-old Catholic computer science grad school > students. > > I'm worried that Kinzler will stop posting the pearls of wisdom that *I* > enjoy. What to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep asking, keep answering. Enlightenment can be found through } patience. (That's Sun Tzu talking). } } I have a feeling that my acolyte ``THE Steve'' Kinzler (just like ``THE } Donald'' Trump) will continue to include humor from all walks of life in } the oracularity postings. If he doesn't I'll fire him. } } Keep sending those suggestions... (and I'll make sure that I won't send } them on to /dev/null <-- ``required UNIX reference''). } } You owe the corlae and spell-checker. --- 171-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh amazing one, whose shit doesn't smell, tell me why ugly guys > get pretty girls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A woman, clad in glow and mist, } May seize complete attention. } But notice that her man in tow } Induces indigestion. } } Sensitive she is, and how, } About her clothes and looks! } She'll spend more time with comb and hair } Than ever math and books. } } E'en so, my friend, she's quick to spot } And snag with gracious ease } A fellow with a pizza face, } Beer gut, and knobby knees. } } You see, she knows, down deep inside, } That this insipid chap } Will knuckle under to her whims } And always take the rap. } } A henpecked soul he'll ever be, } A cringing beast of "yes, dear"s; } He'll have no friends, no mind, no life, } Just endless, anguished fears } } That someday she the truth with find, } And leave her petty shell; } She'll look at him, and then he'll have } A snowball's chance in Hell. } } I wonder, though, why you would ask } A point so close to home; } Your nose a Himalayan peak } Your voice a monotone. } } Danger! Danger! Run, young man! } A bimbo comes a-calling; } She's got her sights locked in on you! } Egad! That's so appalling..... } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding. --- 171-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who farts like a mighty hurricane, who has acne like unto > the craters in the moon! I have a big gap between my two front teeth. > In fact, it looks like someone hit me in the face with an axe. Can > anything be done about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Far gap-toothed mortal, whose smile is like unto } the cleavage of Lactomama, Goddess of The Truly Bodacious Ta-Ta's, } YES, something can be done! You can: } } - make big bucks striping bark from redwoods } } - become the gate at a new Epcot ride: The Alimentary Canal } } - do American Express TV commercials in front of Stonehenge } ("do you recognize me? I'm an ancient Celtic ruin.") } } - become the official book-ends for the New York Public Library } } - become a plow } } } You owe the Oracle the structural specs for your braces.