From kinzler Fri Jul 6 13:23:48 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 13:14:46 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #176 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 176 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #176 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 13:14:46 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 171 10 votes 02440 43201 22231 04240 22420 21232 03241 03430 02314 10333 171 3.1 mean 3.2 2.1 2.9 3.0 2.6 3.2 3.3 3.0 3.7 3.7 --- 176-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh clever Oracle, who's coffee breaks are long and leisurely, but > who's attendance record is exemplary, please answer this question: > > I'm going to have an employee review meeting with my boss tomorrow, > and she asked each of us to think about what our strengths and > weaknesses are. Since you are omniscient, you know even better than I > do what my characteristics are. What should I tell her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK. Here's the plan: } 1. Start with a bang. That'll get her attention. } 2. Discount your small problems, then list trying to overcome them as a } strength. } 3. Give her your large weaknesses, so that she begins to doubt you. } 4. Smash her brain with cleverness and depthness she didn't even think } you had. } } Here we go. Of course, these are only suggestions. The Oracle, in } regulation with the Oracluar union, local 57, galaxy 31, takes no } responsiblility for your life if you follow the advice given. } } Strengths: } I'm great in bed. } I am very powerful in the neighborhood and I can make every man within } 50 miles bow down to you and succumb to your will. } I can hypnotize people (yes of course these are lies. If they were } true, you wouldn't have to go through this stupid review.) } Every now and then I visit my friends in China. Last time I was there, } I convinced them that Tiennamen Sqauare would be a great place for a } really big party. I haven't been in a while because I can't get my visa } cleared. } I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Don't ask, you wouldn't like the } answer. I know where you live. } } Okay. So far so good. She's smiling, 'cause she's a little scared of } you know. This is the thing do do. You were scared before, remember? } Remember how you hated it? That's what she's feeling now. Make her } feel better with a few weaknesses. } } Weaknesses: } I'm dyslexic } I'm the 10th child in a family of 57, and my parents always hated me the } most. } I cheated my way through high school, so I need more money for GED } classes. I'm married, but only because of the baby. When he grows up, } I'll get a divorce. } Sure I had that one suicide attempt, but I was very careful to do it on } my break. } I'm going through a transitional stage of my life, and my phsychiatrist } says I'll only be a couple more months before I've recovered. } } She's feeling much better now, but also a little sorry. Go for tears. } Mani- pulate the bitch as much as possible. Start laying it thick. } } I'm sorry about killing my co-worker, but he really needed a change of } pace. } I'm addicted to crack. If you'd like some, my stash is in the back of } your top-left drawer. } I gamble a lot, but I don't think the loan sharks know where I work. } } You might even think about putting some truths in this section. They're } not any worse than the lies you're already telling. OK. Now give her } something that she will love. } } I'll need some break time to go protest the government's use of } non-biodegrad-able toilet paper which helps the ozone layer problem. } Martin Luther King was my uncle. His brother was outcast from the } family when he married a white girl, but he's just as good as Martin } was, and has taught me a thing or two about non-violence and how to live } peaceably with the other loving races of our world. } I beat Gary Kasporov at chess, but he paid me a million East German } Marks not to tell anybody. How did I know that Germany would unify? } I used to visit the Norths in their station wagon, but then that whole } thing with the Iran-Contra affair came up, and I haven't seen them } since. } } Well, she should be so thouroughly impressed with you now, your boss } will completely forget about all your other problems. And she won't } even remember to check your references with the Norths or anybody, } because she'll be embar- assed. So, your worries are over thanks to the } all-knowing oracle. Good luck. } } You owe the oracle a cut of the profits when you take over your boss' } job. --- 176-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What has been done in america to help the iranian earthquake victims? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Americans have taken over the responsibility of burning their flag, } which should free up about a dozen Iranians to help dig out the } survivors. } } You owe the oracle a seismograph. --- 176-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > recently I sent you the same question three times (accidentally). I was > surprised to get three different, mutually excluding answers. Does that > mean you don't tell us the truth!!?!?! > Please explain that that to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not, our sincere devotee. The Oracle's omniscient veracity } is perfectly intact though recent events may have given one pause - time } to reflect, time to be concerned. Nay, quite misbelieving. But be that } as it will be - your munificent and gracious overseer, your protector } and benefactor, the almighty Oracle assures you now and for evermore } that you will never have reason to doubt its word. } You are endowed with abundant blessings. } Go in peace. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Idiot, thou feeble of brain. Dare ye question our magnificent } being? Dare ye doubt our word? Misbegotten cur, thy abysmal stupidity } knoweth no miry limit of depth. Thour't more obtuse than the } weather-ravag'd Pyramids yet outsharp a new-wed wench in impertinence. } Dost thou truly believe that our sublime being would stoop to the } cerebration of your prating enquiries? The Oracle has myriad endeavors } of great import to occupy its time than your mealy-mouth'd requests. } Begone! Remove thy pitiful upstart self from our holy presence } or thou wlst suffer direst consequence. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Hey Vinnie, whyn't ya buy yerself a life, haah? Ya spend half } yer fucking life in front 'a this stupid computer trying to get me to } sort out the other half. What are ya, stupid or somethin'? Hey, this } Oracle thing's just a tax scam me'n some 'a the boys cooked up. It's } all bogus, nada, like zippo, y'know whatImean? Man, I thought Carmine } was stupid when he started belevin' that Hairy Krishna crap? But this, } on a computer. This, my friend, takes the fuckin' zablione, if you get } what I'm sayin'. This is very fucking dumb. Go out and get yerself a } nice Cathlic girl, get married, have a dozen kids. You'll get yer food } on time, poontang when you wannit, yer back rubbed, yer feet massaged. } And if the bitch starts actin' up ya can slap her straight again, you } get what I'm sayin'? So whyn't ya just make like a cowpie and hit the } trail with all those idiot fucking questions. } Ya got real questions, ask a priest. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } You owe the Oracle a roll of Scotch tape and a gift certificate to } a group therapy sessionnnnnnnnn.......^%$%$^&*((&*$$$#@!#@#%#$#%(_++_+*( --- 176-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You may have already won 3*10^7 deity dollars! Just order ten magazines > and send in your entry forms, and if you possess the winning numbers, we > will make out a check to Mr/Ms ORACLE of IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU for 3*10^7 > d$. (note: not responsible for bounced checks). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Mr. McMahon, back to your old tricks, eh? I still remember the } day when you asked me } } > Dear Oracle, } > I am a mere mortal who is living in the shadow of an egotistical } > maniac who thinks he is God's gift to television. How can I acheive } > more fame and fortune than him? } } And I replied: } } } Well, Mr. McMahon, how about starting up a contest where you will try } } to sell magazines all day long and when the time comes up for you } } to make more money, you will offer a contest with 1 million dollars } } in prizes! And you well say, "You may have already won $1 million!" } } In reality though, the only one who wins in the magazine publishers. } } And I said you owed me 3 * 10^7 diety dollars in the form of a contest } prize. Well, I am glad you decided to pay up, good boy or girl as the } case maybe! --- 176-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I once mistyped 'cal 1985' as 'su -c "mount -a; rm -rf /"' and then I > fainted, accidentally spelling out the root password with my forehead > just before my right hand fell on the return key and the cigarette > dropped out of my left hand onto the backup tapes. Now my girlfriend > won't talk to me any more, and the Ku Klux Klan is burning crosses in my > lawn, and a dinosaur stomped my house into flinders. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dinosaur's are extinct, so's your girlfriend, and the KKK wants a piece } of your ass?!!!! The moral of the story is,"Don't smoke near computers, } be gay, and be white!!!!" You have heard the decree of the great Oracle! } } For this you owe the Oracle video footage of the KKK ramming a concrete } Dinosaur Dildo into your (ex)Girlfriend. --- 176-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle Dude, Are you gonna be at Superior Lake Forest for the > festivities this week?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me Oracle Dude, I'm going to be in Taiwan for the Grand Funeral } Celebration Fantasy and Fugue on a Theme by Ronald Reagan, and then I'm } going to Hamburg for the Grand Convention of Salesmen of Cracked Wheat } Cereals with Small Amounts of Sugar in Them (I'm giving the opening } lecture, because someone asked me a question about how to sell cereal } and I gave them a few small hints), and then I'm going to go to the } ceremonial boiling of a small ivory image of Our Lady of Piracy on the } High Seas in the quaint Spanish village of Guadalalalala. After that, } I'll briefly nip to the office of the chairman of Nippon Electric, who } owes me a sushi pizza; I want to see what he'll make of it. So no, Me } Oracle Dude ain't gonna be there. --- 176-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me! I've fallen, and I can't get up! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered your question most deeply, but it only came up } with this } } Have you fallen from } (1) wheelchair } (2) grace } (3) favour } (4) ladder } (5) off the top of your love slave while locked in a Karma Sutra #13213 } (6) the top of a local fast food restaurant } (7) an existensial view of the universe } (8) faith in your club, your code, your kiddies, your state, your } country } (9) a milk crate while putting up the christmas tree } } or yet some other device, situation, or earthly viewpoint ? } } If none of the above, then stay down, order up some room service, and } enjoy the view outside your window. } } In payment for answering this question, the Oracle demands the glod of } gum that you can see stuck under the desk. --- 176-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > \()/ Hello, oracle! > /()\ I belong to Sgt. Pissdo > > \()/ Of the insect army > /()\ which is coming. > > \()/ What can we > /()\ Bring you for lunch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AAAUGHHH!!! BUGS!! BUGS ON THE SCREEN!! } GET 'EM OFF!! GET 'EM OFF ME! AAAAAUUGHHHH!!! } helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmeohhelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme... } } Message from iuvax!kinzler on tty3... } } ohthankgodthankgodthankgod } } > Oracle, what's going on? You're hogging up the CPU, the VAX is } > starting to smoke, the fire alarms have gone off and we've had } > to evacuate the terminal room. What the hell is your problem? } } BUGS!! BUGS ON THE SCREEN!!! MILLIONS OF THEM!!! GET 'EM OFF ME } PLEEEEEEEEZZZEEEE!!! sobgrovelgrovelgrovelsobsob... } } > Oracle, have you been sleeping with Lisa again? Man, I keep telling } > you, that woman is a walking disease. Why don't you listen to me } > and run a vaccine program before starting up with her; it'd sure save } > me the hassle of calling the fire department, apologizing to the geeks } > out there who's batch jobs crash mid-run, and having to boot you up } > every time you get your silicon rocks off- } } OKOKOKOKOKOKOK I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY!! JUST GET 'EM OFF ME } sobsobsobsobsobsobsobsob... } } > Do we have a deal? } } YESYESYES!!! GET 'EM OFF ME!! AAAAAUUGHHH!!! AAAUU... } } ... } ... } ... } Live, from iuvax, it's the Oracle, ver 5.12 (Feb 1990) } } Man, what's that smell? Has someone been hogging up the CPU again? } Oh, wait a minute, I have a question here... } ... } ... } Yes, a pastrami sandwich would be nice. With some potato salad and } some chips and salsa. Actually, make that two of everything; I'm } expecting Lisa here in a half hour. Oh, and bring me a va... er, } bring me a vaa, vab, vac... it's right on the tip of my tongue, Stephen } says I need it for Lisa, lessee, vad vae vaf...van..illa, yeah that's } it, a vanilla shake for Lisa. She likes vanilla shakes. } } You don't owe me anything else. I'm in a pretty good mood since it } looks like I'm gonna get laid tonight. --- 176-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, whose brilliant answers illuminate every dark secret, > I have great need for truth as only you can supply. > > A coworker has mysteriously died, and I need to find out how and why. > Yesterday, I went to see him, but I found a pile of ashes in his chair. > His favorite flame-retardant pocket protector was half-buried in the > ash. From what I can piece together, he was writing some mail to > send out to someone in Indiana. All of his processes on the system > were killed, there was no hope in recovering his message in full, > but on his terminal I found scribbled in green phosphor the following > text: > > "allowed to lick. > > I have two friends, one is named 'Woody' and the other is named 'Chuck.' > They are both lumberjacks, and what I want to know is" > > He never finished the message. He was killed before he could even ask > the question. It is very sad, he had some old high-school buddies that > were coming from Oregon to see him. How and why did he die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frankly, the Oracle is somewhat stumped by your question. The Oracle } may be barking up the wrong tree, but feels that your friend was killed } before he had a chance to turn over a new leaf. --- 176-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle clever and nifty, > Who's never been clocked over fifty, > Who's wiser than people in Austin, > Who's fame has spread even to Boston, > Please answer my question, and soon, > 'Cause I'll give you the Sun and the Moon. > > I'm attending a wedding tomorrow, > I await it with joy, and some sorrow. > For although my tuxedo looks stunning, > I need your advice and your cunning. > What's a gift that won't make me go broke? > And do you know a good practical joke > I can play on the bride and the groom? > (One that won't make them wish for my doom.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The ideal wedding gift (actually the ideal gift for any occasion) } would, of course, be _The Collected Wisdom of The USENET Oracle_. } It is an attractive vinyl bound 3-volume set containing some } of My wittier wisdoms. As an added bonus you get not one, not } two, but three nude pictures of Lisa, The net-sex-goddess. } What would you expect to pay for this? $500? If you order now, } it will be a mere $49.95, plus $3 shipping and handling. } Major credit cards accepted, sorry no COD deliveries. } Call now 1-800-555-ORCL, operators are standing by. } } A good practical joke? Why not give them the Sanscrit edition } of _The Collected Wisdom of The USENET Oracle_. } } Paying me in real estate is a good idea, but don't offer me the } Sun and the Moon, I already have significant investments in } that property. } } } You owe the Oracle: One square mile of downtown Tokyo real estate, } and $52.95