From kinzler Thu Aug 30 23:02:41 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 30 Aug 90 23:00:00 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #192 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 192 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #192 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 30 Aug 90 23:00:00 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 187 9 votes 14220 11322 04500 23301 00540 11331 14220 22302 01440 03402 187 2.9 mean 2.6 3.3 2.6 2.4 3.4 3.2 2.6 2.8 3.3 3.1 --- 192-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I make her love me? Any love-potions or implantable devices? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The following eight-step plan will lead to her loving you and craving } your body with a desparate passion, though not necessarily at the same } time. } } 1. Wrap your body in a blue-green sheet, the feathers of a condor ("the } gigantic carrion-eating bird of love"), fifty carnations, a bastinet, } a red trash bag, and a tub of peanut butter (with marshmallows if } possible). } } 2. Approach her, speaking sweetly, and speaking with the most pleasant } of breath. Kiss her hand when she is not expecting it. Caper } extravagantly. Show off your fine plumage. Whisper sweet nothings } into her seven ears. Ply her with delicacies, crawdads glazed with } honey and thyme (the crustacean of love). Serve her small elegant } glasses of the finest liqueurs. Bring her a whole roasted zucchini } bedecked with apples and custard, a soup of the finest mussels and } slippery-elm leaves. Exquisite! } } 3. Declare for her your undying passion. You should not be too specific } at this point. Rather than saying "Oh, Emily, I want you to perform } Act #32 from the Kama Sutra, except with you in the trapeze rather } than astride the llama", you must say something more abstract and } ethereal: "Ah, Emily, behold! The stars in the sky are like goldfish } (the spiny fish of love) tonight! They experience such joy as they } swim around the heavens nibbling crunchlets of fish food scattered } unto them by the hand of the Goddess." Indirection is the key here. } } 4. At this point9 she will get the idea of what you are after. She will } pretend not to understand, as a way of avoiding the issue. } } 5. Suddenly, become cold and despairing. Declaim "Alas, Emily! Would } that I loved a spiny anteater instead of thee! I cannot bear the } coldness, the despair! Alas! I am foredone and done for! Doom is } my fate, and gloom is my mate, that I must endure without thee! Woe, } woe is me! Alas, alas! I must swiftly hie me away to far Paris, } where with expensive wines and garlic-drenched snails (the escargot } of love) I will strive mightily to forget thee!" [Warning: do not } say this unless her name is actually Emily.] } } 6. Remove from your pocket a carefully-prepared plane ticket to Paris. } Wave it dauntingly in front of her face. As if by accident, allow an } identical ticket (the famed "Coach class transportation of love") to } fall from your pocket in a most visible place on the floor. Make } sure she sees it. } } 7. When she inquires about the provenance and teleology of this second } ticket, explain in lofty terms that it need not concern her: it is a } matter of complete irrelevance to her life, and she must never think } of it again. Especially, she must no longer think of sharing } "poulet de fou en moutarde" (the famed "chicken of love") on the } banks of the River Seine, not dream of climbing the spires of Notre } Dame de Paris, not even dream idly of the long lines at the Louvre. } Never once should she consider the possibility of drinking the fine } wines of Chateau sur la Piscine '45 after an evening dancing at the } bistro. In a fit of rage, tear up the second ticket and set it } aflame. Stomp out of the room. } } 8. At this point, she will decide to get a ticket to Paris herself. Run } into her, as if by accident, at the Arc du Triomphe, where you have } been trapped for half an hour struggling with a parking ticket (the } famed Parisian "official tourist-hassle of love"). Allow her to help } you deal with it. The rest is up to you. } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of drugs. I wanna get high on } pennicilin. --- 192-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > I just bought a watch with an "LSD" display. It looked like an "LCD" > display to me when I got it, but now it's swimming around and the frog > has turned blue and green and is trying to do something I'm too young to > understand to the unicorn. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, one of *those*. Okay, no problem. Cycle power, set the PHOM } to "full", twist the head off the frog, and turn on the light. } The unicorn should go away by itsself. If it doesn't, you probably } messed up somewhere. Check that the frog was plugged in first. } } You owe the Oracle and orange and a peppermint stick. --- 192-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nu, how then do I make a golem, Oracleleh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Proceed to the clay-pits of darkest Boznia-Herzogovinia } Make sure it's at night--full moon--no one's seen ya-- } of that clay sculpt a man, dank, amorphosous & hoary, } with the bod of Schwarzenegger, the face of Peter Lorre... } } What, so should I make it so this ends with sticking an Oraculary in } the golem's mouth & sending it out for pizza? Oy, I'm such a zhlub } today, & why farshtinken some poor schlemiel's m-box with dreck verse? } So this is from "The Golem Legend: Origins and Implications" } by Byron L. Sherwin, p. 15. After all, why should I be making things } up, when I can turn to those who know? "Don't curse the darkness, } light a candle." How true. } } Two or three adepts join together to create the Golem. A } magical circle is drawn to circumscribe the space in which the } Golem is to be created. Virgin soil, taken from a mountain, } is kneaded in running water. From this, the form of the Golem } is made. Over this form various combinations of the letters } of the Hebrew alphabet are recitted. The formulae for these } combinations derive from the _Sefer_Yetzirah_. The } recitations of these letter combtinations animate the Golem, } limb by limb. In some rituals, the formaulae are recited } while waking around the circle. Reciting these permutations } in reverse order can serve to deactivate the Golem and to } transform him back into inert matter. } } So what you want, that next time I should tell you what on your } yarmulkah to embroider? "Buy Israel Bonds", I always put. --- 192-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I get the latest set of revisions of my wife? She's version > 1.5.3, and she doesn't work quite properly. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Release 1.5.4 is not due out until October, however there's an } unannounced update on the way... she's preganant! } } Release 1.5.4 has the following features: } } # Enhanced weight requirement } # Enhanced food requirements } # Enhanced bitchiness under stress } # Faster anger start-up time } # Increased bliss } } Bugs: } } # Morning sickness (critical bug fix in the works, try EXEC SEDATIVE) } } Enjoy. } } Customer service. --- 192-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to boogers > Once they reach the nose? > Is that an execution chamber > Where a booger prisoner goes? > Or perhaps it's a tourist attraction, > At times, the number of visitors grows. > > What happens to boogers > Once they are taken out? > While some dry up in tissues, > Others are flicked out on the ground. > Do those get eaten by animals, > Or do they just hang around. > > What happens to boogers > Once they get to the washer. > Do they go down the drain? > Out of shape they'd be bent. > Or do they enjoy the ride, > And come back to haunt us as lint? > > What happens to boogers? > > --"What Happens to Boogers? (220816)", by Tom Buechlein And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very nice! I like this bit o'light verse. Sorry that I can't respond } in kind, being really busy. Anyhow, the nose and esophagus are } dumping-grounds for used old buggers of boogerdom -- the ones that get } swallowed are digested, some of their substance no doubt going to make } new boogers. The ones in the nose get blown out eventually. If they } end up on Kleenices they usually fall victim to molds and bacteria, } although if they are kept dry they can last a very very long time. The } ones flung on the ground either rot (molds and bacteria -- but note that } they are mildly anti-bacterial!) or get eaten by insects. Ants love 'em } -- fling your snot onto anthills and give the little hard-working } insects a treat. The ones washed out of snotrags slowly dissolve in the } wash water. Some part of their substance remains in clothes, so that if } you wash a load that includes handkerchiefs, you will end up with a } small amount of booger distributed over the rest of the laundry. The } rest just goes down the drain and gets rotted away by bacteria in the } sewer or treatment plant or cesspool. --- 192-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle of Espionage, > > What will the features of the new NeXT computer be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The new NeXT! THE new NeXT?! The NEW NeXT?!??!?!?!!? } Why in Bog's name would you want to know that? That should be of no } consequence to you unless you're easily amused, so rich you're stupid, } or a desktop publisher (i.e. an amateur cluttering the market with } poorly designed pamphlets and advertisements.) Besides, that's } proprietary information and I'd be breaking the law if I...wait a } second, did you say ESPIONAGE? Spys? Mission Impossible? James Bond? } Etcetera? Oh, totally cool! I'll do it! } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } FROM THE FILES OF... } (Fade in Bond-like theme music, only better...) } } The Usenet Oracle, Secret Agent 1.1006524+e007 } } Date 1990.08.21 } 1900 hrs I'm instructing my partner Lisa, the spy.net.goddess, to use } her incredible powers of influence to help retrieve access } codes for NeXT's systems. Expect a lot of penetrating to be } done before we get any solid leads. } } Date 1990.08.22 } 0500 hrs Lisa's back from her assignment earlier than expected. I'm not } on duty until 0600. She got the codes, but she didn't get } satisfied, know what I mean? (Cut to obligatory foreplay } scene, fade to black...) } } 0600 hrs Tired, but on duty. Logging in to NeXT's system via obscure } maintenance backdoor provided by the now-exhausted Lisa. } Whoops, set off an alarm...gotta cover...there, that ought } to do it. Looks just like a virus set off internally by some } disgruntled employee. Shit, I forgot how much I hate Unix. } } 0615 hrs While NeXT sysops scramble to find the source of their } apparent "virus," I'm snooping around looking for NeXT's next. } Ahhh... found it! Better just snag a copy of the data file and } get out of here before someone gets wise. I'll erase the } system on my way out to remove the evidence. There. Logging } out... } } 0630 hrs Mission accomplished! And only 0630 hrs--since I'm done early } I'll just slip into something comfortable before breakfast, } like Lisa. Here's your scoop: } } -------------------------------------------------------------- } NeXT Product Preview - CONFIDENTIAL } } In keeping with corporate policy, and to stem the tide of } burgeoning demand for technological solutions to the decrease } in plans to purchase hardware from platforms not yet suited to } the ideal working environment of tomorrow's electronic office } systems, and especially since there just ain't that many } desktop publishers, } } NeXT plans to release no new computers this quarter. } -------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster--shaken, not stirred. --- 192-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are Iraqi troops Saddamites? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a popular Saudi appelation. The Iraqi troops' own favorite } nicknames are (roughly translated) Hussein-skateers, } Insectivorous-Plants-Which-Devour-the-Infidel-Biting-Flies, } Clean-living Saracen Studs, Hirsute Harriers, Pork-eschewing } Death Commandos, and Rearing-to-Go Jihad Enthusiasts. } } You must now look into why TV reporters pronouce "Saddam" the same } as "Sodom", when it used to rhyme with "Mad Bomb". --- 192-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, my girlfriend says that she is the reincarnation of my > grandmother, and she claims that she remembers meeting me (the > grandmother in question died when I was 4, and yes, my girlfriend was > born about 9 months after my grandmother's death) when she was my > grandmother. She seems to know an awful lot about my family, my > grandmother's house (she's never been there as far as I know), and so > on. Is she having me on, or is she really the reincarnation of my > grandmother? If she's playing a prank on me, why? If not, is it incest > when I have sex with her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THIS IS THE NET.REINCARNATION,EXPERT. YOUR GIRLFRIEND COULD NOT } POSSIBLY BE THE REINCARNATED GRANDMOTHER. I AM THE REINCARNATION OF } YOUR GRANDMOTHER, LITTLE BOY. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME; I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. } THAT GIRL IS A LYING CHEATING SLUT. HAVE NOTHING FURTHER TO DO WITH } HER. SHE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR YOUR MONEY. IT SURE AIN'T FOR YOUR BOD OR } YOUR BRAIN. BY ALL MEANS SCREW HER IF YOU WISH; THAT'S WHAT SHE'S DOING } TO YOU. } THE NET.REINCARNATION.EXPERT HAS SPOKEN. } } } Well, Lisa, how'd I do? } Not bad, Wiz, not bad at all. Sure was a lucky day for us when } that baloon came down here. We needed someone who could do basso } profundo like that. Think you fooled the idiot? } Sure. He asked the Oracle a question; he has to be an idiot. } } } } --- 192-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and esteemed Oracle, > Please give me some tips on porting the GNU C compiler to the > Unix-clone Coherent, running on my PC/AT clone (10 MHz 80286 chip, > 1 M core). Thanks very very much. > > Yours faithfully, > Ron Hopeful (not my real name) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well Ron, (and that IS your real name! Don't try to fool us!!) my first } sug suggestion is to stop wasteing your time with a silly '286 and get a } REAL machine. Like, say, an RS/6000, or maybe an Alliant, or a VAX, } just a little one... } } But, barring that... } } What you ask calls for great sacrifice. You must swear to the GNU-gods } that all of your work, your excrement, your children, you children's } excrement, etc. will be made freely available to the public do have } their way with. (and don't think I haven't been looking at YOU lately, } Ron.. ;-) ) } } That's the easy part. Now you have to do the ritual dance to pay homage } to the big blue god in the sky.. This includes (but is not limited to) } coming up with your very own standard of character codes incompatible } with everything on the market, locating and consuming the inner workings } of one Timex Sinclair computer with optional 2K expansioon module, and } successfully repairing a b broken toater with a 30 lb. sledgehammer. } } Then strip naked, role yourself in a pile of loose 8088 processors, and } chant "market share, market share..." over and over for 3 days. Then go } into a deep trance, concentrating only on the compiler. Picutre it } flying between the two machines, byte by byte, bit by bit, with each bit } passing through an electric blue field before falling onto your hard } disk. When you revive, it will be done. --- 192-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the Oracle so addictive, and wiring letters so unaddictive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle? Addictive? Naah. The Oracle is merely a friend, a } companion, someone to make your life a little more interesting and } pleasent.... } } *************************INTERRUPT*********************************** } } THIS IS WILLIAM BENNET, DRUG KING... ER... CZAR! THE USENET ORACLE } HAS INDEED BEEN FOUND TO BE ADDICTIVE, AND THEREBY CONTROLLABLE UNDER } THE CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES ACT! THE USENET ORACLE WILL TAKE OVER YOUR } MIND! IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR BODY! IT WILL MAKE YOU DO UNMENTIONABLE } THINGS TO OUR HERO AND MENTOR, JESSE HELMS! LABORATORY TESTING ON } RATS HAS SHOWN THAT PROLONGED ORACULARITY CAUSES BED-WETTING AND IRAQI } SYMPATHIES. FURTHERMORE, YOUR PENIS WILL EXPLODE AND... } } ###########################BBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPPPPPPPPPP!!!! } } Uh, sorry about that rude interruption. He won't be bothering anyone } for a while. As for wiring envelopes, of course it's no fun! Dealing } with those tiny wires, the detonators, and that extremely touchy } explosive is stress-producing, and generally doesn't invoke any } addictive responses. Careful who you send those wired letters to, } Remember, Santa is watching, and so am I.... } } You owe The Oracle a speedboat that can outrun anything the Coast } Guard's got.