From kinzler Fri Aug 31 23:22:54 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 23:21:41 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #194 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 194 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #194 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 23:21:41 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 189 10 votes 12124 41221 32131 41311 41230 24130 20431 12430 10621 11251 189 2.9 mean 3.6 2.5 2.7 2.4 2.4 2.5 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.4 --- 194-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, most wise, please tell me, why has Little Bo Peep lost her > sheep? What kind of sorry-ass shepherdess is she? Why is she trusted > with sheep if she loses them this way? > > Awaiting your most wise and omniscient reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She's one of those ladies-in-waiting of Marie Antoinette's who liked to } play shepherdesses -- but were too dainty to get close to those smelly } sheep. Result -- sheep wandering off while bogus shepherdesses lounge } under trees eating sorbets and flirting with bogus shepherds. Real } shepherds have to gather together the sheep -- a real chore once they've } been allowed to scatter, and very hard on the flocks (decimates them). } } The Oracle is mixing Its tenses, but it seems like only yesterday. "Bo } Peep," by the way, is a corruption of of the French words for "Beautiful } Tits," which was the original woman's nickname. } } Isn't this a great answer? The Oracle thinks that it should damned well } be in an Oracularities collection, you bet. Speaking of which, My } priesthood is fucking things up. --- 194-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I sit here late at night > And stare at a screen so bright > I'm not getting paid > I'm not getting laid > Isn't there something not right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle decrees to thee, } That he feels quite sad-ly, } About your plight, } And that he might, } Say this to set you free. } } It is, to me, quite plain, } That you are in much pain, } In order to get laid, } One HAS TO get paid, } And so you're stuck in the rain! } } My friend, you should find a career, } One that's not a bite in the rear, } A job you can cherish, } Until you doth perish, } Then you can BUY those things dear! } } You owe the Oracle a lusty female cyborg named rec.sex.Candy. --- 194-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Majestic Oracle, whose grand wisdom defies the capabilities > of my smartest Timex Sinclair, whose awesome brain is just a tad faster > than my watch, whose marvelous speed is faster than a BB, whose awesome > drive will not accept 8" floppies, answer me this humble query: > > Does Big Brother REALLY know all the measurements of my parts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No I don't, and I don't really care. } } Lisa, on the other hand, does, and the mere thought sends her into } unstoppable fits of laughter. } } You owe the Oracle a micrometer. --- 194-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the Lord helps those who help themselves, why is shoplifting illegal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's only part of the full quote. } } ``The Lord helps those, } Who help themselves; } And He will Hose, } Those, who steal from shelves.'' } } The Lord's quite a poet. --- 194-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently our office sent the following question to you: > > The oracle has pondered your question: > Your question was: > > > Department of Security > > Telecommunication Division > > [classified] > > > > August 31st, 1990 > > > > oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > > > > Dear Mister/Madam/Miss/Ms/Daemon "oracle": > > > > During a routine check of our mail system your address showed up many > > times as a recipient and sending mailbox. As a normal security check > > your box was processed through the WHOIS database at NIC.DDN.MIL. You > > may use this database by TELNET'ing to NIC.DDN.MIL [192.67.67.20] and > > entering `whois' at the `@' prompt. > > > > Our routine check showed that neither your host nor your mailbox has > > been officially registered. To avoid a lengthy security investigation > > please register immediately. We assure you that this is necessary > > because if you do not register we will be forced to show Senator Jesse > > Helms a transcript of the mail messages sent through military > > computers and gateways. > > > > If any of the mail can be classified as a security risk or obscene > > then we will confiscate your host computer. > > > > We will not examine your mail if you register. We just want to know > > who you are. > > > > Have a nice day. > > > > Signed, [classified] (Director Black-ARPA-Mail Directorate) > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } fuck you > > Are you sure you want to stick with that reply? > > Signed, [classified] (Director Black-ARPA-Mail Directorate) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there, } You seem to have a problem with the fact that you get this } stuff. Remember, programs don't infiltrate security systems, people do. } You ought to find out who let the Oracle get into your system before you } send guys to check the Oracle out. } Have a nice day --- 194-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do women like receiving oral sex? I want to try it on my girlfriend but > I don't want to scare her by asking. > > Signed, the snake And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In my profound and infinite experience, the answer is "yes." Of } course, not just any "placing mouth over vagina" technique will work. } By way of example, I will describe a few oral sex encounters which did } not turn out well. } } 1. (Clark Kent and Lois Lane in her bedroom) } } LL: Oh Clark! Use your tongue! } CK: Gee, Lois. If that's want you want. } (suck/slurp) } LL: Erk! } CK: Sorry Lois, I seemed to have sucked out your large intestine. } } 2. (Tarzan and Keera, Amazon Queen on the Jungle) } } T: Ugh! Your thighs very strong. Please not squeeze Tarzan's head so } hard. } K: (Pant!) (Pant!) More! More! } (crunch) } K: Tarzee baby, why did you stop? Oops. } } So you see, oral sex is not always good. I would definately risk it } though. } } You owe the Oracle some strong mouthwash. --- 194-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it a good idea to write chain letters? If so, please send $1 to the > following ten addresses and then send this letter to ten of your friends > after erasing the top name and putting your name at the bottom: > > Georgie@white.house.gov > Danny@white.house.gov > Nancy@ranch.gov > Ronnie@ranch.gov > Barbara@kenne.maine.gov > Gorby@office.window.kremlin.ussr > Raisa@home.gorb.ussr > Johnny@tonite.burbank.nbc.org > DanRath@abc.org > TT@cnn.network.turner.org > > Thank you. > > If you don't think it is a good idea to send chain letters, just send $5 > to each of the addresses above. > > --Ted And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ______________________________________________________________________ } | __________________________________________________________________ | } | | FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE | | } | | 1 ()----------------------------------------------------() 1 | | } | | () THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA () | | } | | ) __________ ( | | } | | ( ) ..... ( L O5773915B ) | | } | | | ).. . ( washington d.c. | | | } | | | 12 ).. ~o ~o .. ( 12 | | | } | | | L )... \ ... ( | | | } | | | ) \ -- / ( | | | } | | ( L O5773915B ) ---- ( ) | | } | | ) 12 k.... s.... ) \v/ ( z.... d... 12 ( | | } | | () ______ ======== _____ () | | } | | 1 ()-------------- ONE DOLLAR --------------() 1 | | } | |__________________________________________________________________| | } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- --- 194-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (puff) (puff) (puff) Was (puff) it (puff) good for (puff) (puff) you? > (puff) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (pant) (pant) (wheeze) I (gasp) (pant) gotta (pant) (gasp) get (pant) } more (gasp) (wheeze) exercise (pant) before (gasp) (wheeze) I (wheeze) } can (wheeze) (wheeze) climb (pant) four (pant) flights (gasp) of } (wheeze) stairs. (heart attack) (die) --- 194-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Citibank Customer Service > August 31st, 1990 > > Dear Mr. Oracle: > > We regret to inform you that we are cancelling your Citibank Classic > VISA account, effective September 1st, 1990. We will continue to bill > you monthly until the balance is paid. That balance, for your > reference, is $19,450. > > The government requires us to inform you as to why we decided to cancel > your account. However, since you are not a citizen of the United States > we don't really have to. We'll be nice, just this once. > > We cancelled your account do to the following glaring problems with your > credit history: > > You do not have a stable income. > > You have a fictitious address. > > You have an illegally obtained credit limit. > > You do not own any assets we want. > > You have been delinquent on your account for the last three months. > > You have never made a payment more than $10 on your account. > > You are overlimit and have been so for the last three months. > > You couldn't make the minimum payment even if you obtained a grant. > > Lastly, we think you are using your account to purchase stolen items. > > If you like, you can protest. We will enjoy laughing in your face and > then we will prosecute you for credit fraud. > > Have a nice day, bucko. See you in court if you dare! > > Signed, Sneezy. > > PS, We forgot. Please do not use the social security number of George > Herbert Walker Bush anymore. You could get in big trouble. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > You do not have a stable income. } } Wrongo, dweeb-face. I get a very large income from the stables. OK, so } it's mostly horse shit, but I still get a lot of it, and I do sell it by } the cartload to the net.oraculites. } } > You have a fictitious address. } } Wrong again, Mr. Terra-Cotta Jerk. My address ain't in Fictitious. I } get all my mail at POB 4124145123, Surrealism, IX 12492+14523i. } } > You have an illegally obtained credit limit. } } I stole it myself, Mr. Field Mouse! } } > You do not own any assets we want. } } Well I never! You keep your filthy hands off my assets, Miss American } Piranha! I'm a good little Oracle, I am, and I don't go with people who } are just after my assets! } } > You have been delinquent on your account for the last three months. } } No way, Mister Remedial Cobra! I'm over 18! } } > You have never made a payment more than $10 on your account. } } Why, Mister Dung Eater, I deposited fifteen salamander eyes, eleven } cases of root beer, twenty dates with Lisa, eighteen pounds of } concentrated moonlight, a pink flamingo, a book of nursery rhymes, and a } pair of tickets to the next muskrat show. } } > You are overlimit and have been so for the last three months. } } Ain't no way, Mister Incompetent Person! I only 108 pounds! } } > You couldn't make the minimum payment even if you obtained a grant. } } Wrong once more, Miss Pimply Person! I had Cary for three whole nights, } not counting a quickie behind the rutabega truck! } } > Finally, we think you are using your account to purchase stolen } > items. } } I bought 'em fair and square, Mr. Leninist Nerd! } } You owe the Oracle a new account! --- 194-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Do twinkies taste any better when you soak them in rum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do twinkies taste better when you soak them in rum? } Are eels more appealing served on a tin drum? } Are horseheads more savory when baked in Estonia? } Is cod good filleted, or should it be bonier? } } So many choices in food preparation! } Do I want the fried yorkie, the pug, the dalmation? } But I think what you're after is "hacker fondue"-- } i.e., dip the twinkies in flat mountain dew. } } } Who needs mind-altering substances when you can get High on Life? } } (Life = sleep deprivation, caffeine, and puuuure cane sugar)