From kinzler Wed Oct 31 14:40:18 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 31 Oct 90 14:03:26 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #214 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 214 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #214 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 31 Oct 90 14:03:26 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 209 14 votes 45230 04253 24521 14711 14612 01751 15521 11534 18212 11453 209 3.0 mean 2.3 3.5 2.7 2.8 2.9 3.4 2.8 3.6 2.6 3.6 --- 214-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I have this sudden craving for pizza? I'm not turning > into a turtle, am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know buy pizza that the Oracle reaches several million } buy pizza people throughout the world and buy pizza I am } interested in buy pizza finding out if other people have the same } craving as you buy pizza do. } } If anybody you buy pizza speak to has similar cravings, have them } buy pizza send me E-mail at ORACLE@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. } } Thank you very much for your buy pizza cooperation. } } - Oracle } } P. S. It has nothing to do with the 40% interest in Domino's } Pizza I purchased last week. } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } buy pizza. --- 214-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've noticed recently that I'm unable to talk about certain concepts > that came easily to me even last week. I think it's because the Engligh > language is eroding. Do you know why, and is there anything I can do to > stop it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Conspiracy. There is a conspiracy afoot, one so insidious, they attack } the foundations of human society. Concepts! Without the ability to } conceive of something, the human being becomes a simple, naked ape. } (Which explains some of the people the oracle has met...) The } organization responsible for this? The Committee for the ________ of } ________. Where have they struck? Many places, but the concept is an } elusive creature, thank _________. The Committee can only hold a } concept against its will temporarily. A couple days ago, they managed } to steal the concept of the circle. However, this was only for a couple } of minutes, and few people noticed. The longest recorded snatching was } for well over two weeks, when the Committee stole the concept of "zero." } Teachers in class would ask, "What is 2 - 2?" and no one would be able } to answer. The Secretary of Mathematics was duly confused by this, and } could not understand the problem. On the other hand, no one could get } zero points on an examination. Your problem may stem from the fact that } you tend to use the concepts the Committee most frequently steals. The } Oracle maintains a list. This list, current as of 10/90 is as follows: } } ________________ } ________ } ____________ } _____________________ } "Manitoba" } ______________ } ___________ } _______________ } _____ } "Swarthy" } __________ } ___________ } _______ } and, finally, } ________________. } } Try not to use these. However, the list is growing! Only by constant } vigilance can this evil ____ be stopped! ____ together! _____ the } _____ _________! Never ____ __ _______! ____ ______ ____ _______! } } You owe the Oracle a _________. --- 214-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently I played METELLICA (a heavy metal rock band) records backwards > and during the song "death" you can hear the words "Satan Rules the > underworld, you will burn in hell forever". Is the Devil *really* in > charge of corrupting our nations youth and causing wide spread choas by > spreading devil worshipping and Satanic rituals in Rock Music? Is there > anything I can do to stop him!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interestingly enough, Metallica (Ye!) and other Rock bands have } absolutely nothing whatever to do with Satanism and Devil Worship. What } you have experienced here has a more subtle explanation. } } You see, although it is true that old Asmodeus, Beaalzeahbub, Satan, } call him what you will, _is_ in charge of corrupting the nation's youth, } he's been a little lax of late. It always has been *much* easier to } corrupt the older generations - after all, kids don't listen to anyone } anymore. } } What you have discovered is not a backwards message on the record at } all. Think back on to what you actually did to play the record } backwards - you had to reverse the polarity on the power feed to the } turntable, whilst keeping the phase on the amp and speakers as it was } before. Then, after snapping at least two diamond stylus tips, you } eventually mounted the stylus in a reversed position, holding it in } place with an elastic band and a piece of gum. } } So, a little rational thought will reveal that you have managed to } disturb the resting souls of long-dead gramophone designers. These guys } are really pissed about what you've done to that nice Hi-fi deck, and } are exhibiting their anger in the best way they know - a good } old-fashioned curse. } } It's a good job that you brought this to my attention, otherwise you'd } have been puzzled for the rest of your life. } } Mind you, that won't be long now. Just wait until you try to switch the } power back so you can listen to the records properly ... } } Hello ... ? } } Oh well ... another Questioner lost to the perils of mortal existance, } caught whilst inquiring into things best left alone ... another soul } for the forces of Darkness, somewhere in ... da da da da .. da da da } da .. The Twilight Zone ... do do do do ... do do do do ... } } You owe the Oracle a good flashlight. --- 214-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise and puissant, whose might doth > make even units(1) to tremble, please answer for me this > question, which hath troubled me for lo, these many moons: > > The twenty-third psalm (the one that starts out > ``The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want...'', of course) > is all this good stuff about how God gives you green > pastures with still waters to lie down by, and how He will > protect you even thought you walk through the valley of > death, and then all of a sudden it does this: > > Thou preparest a table before me in the > presence of mine enemies. [Psalms 23:5] > > Now, what the fuck is that? A practical joke? > Maybe God thinks you're going to whack your enemies with a > table? I mean, if it were even something as prosaic as > > Thou preparest a hefty two-by-four for me in > the presence of mine enemies. > > I could see it, or better still, > > Thou preparest a tactical thermonuclear > weapon before me in the presence of mine enemies. > > Now THAT would be a worthwhile prayer--I certainly > would want to worship such a God. So what's the deal? Is > Mr. Table the same dude who brought down rains of hail and > rains of frogs and rivers of blood and dust storms and > anthrax plagues and plagues of boils on the Egyptians in > Exodus? How come he's all tuckered out by the middle of > Psalms and can't do better than a table? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several reasons, to wit: } } 1) Even soldiers gotta eat. } 2) Army food is so bad, thine enemies shall turn tail and flee lest } they be forced to partake of it. } 3) You've already had weapons, and you messed them up. God gave you } the 2x4, and you built houses out of it. God gave you the strategic } thermonuclear weapon, and you left it sitting in a silo, unused. } Why should God keep giving you weapons if you don't use the ones } you've got? } 4) Eating while the unwashed barbarian pre-teen hordes from Tulsa are } sweeping down on you sure shows faith, if not intelligence. (Truly, } this is slack) } } Take your pick; even the Oracle doesn't know His motives. } } You owe the Oracle 20 Hail Marys. --- 214-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I started eating some candy corn. Now, most candy corn has a yellow > top, an orange middle, and a white tip. But the occasional kernel seems > to be a mutant, with a large yellow section and only a thin orange band, > or a kernel with no tip or all tip. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [MUNCH! MUNCH! CHEW! CHEW! SPIT! SNORT! COUGH! COUGH!] Wha? } Candy corn? You want to know about Candy Corn? } } Ok, the usual candy corn, with the neat yellow-orange-white pattern is } the usual, sweet tasting stuff that is made all across America. The } messed-up ones you are seeing is the 'faux' candy corn being distributed } by Muslim terrorist factions in an attempt to disrupt America's resolve } in their opposition to Iraq. These 'faux' corn look similar to real } candy corn, taste like real candy corn, but in actuality contain three } distinct carcinogens, fourteen hallucinogenics, and horse shit. If you } continue to eat them in large quantities, you will be reduced to a } babbling idiot, who loves to listen to "New Kids on the Block"... wait, } what is that tape you have in your walkman? } } Oh dear, I see it's too late for you... } } You owe the Oracle all of your Halloween Booty. --- 214-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Oracle on the net... > > Tell me why is my doggie wet!?!?!... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is ('tis plain to see) } } Into the wind, your dog did pee. } } You owe the Oracle a tounge depressor. --- 214-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's not fair! Somehow I've been changed into this geeky guy in grad > school, but I'm really a stripper called Sinful Cindy, the Bad Girl from > Toledo. Well, that's just my professional name, my real name is Cindy > Kostlowski, but anyway I'm supposed to be a stripper with big tits, not > some nerd getting a Ph. D. in materials science. How do I get to be > the real me again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are the real you. To regain your true identity you will have } to reach deep within yourself. You must strip away the superficial } outer layers of your existence - they form the boundary between your } true self and the world. They protect you from th hostile gaze but in } doing so surpress your psyche, your personality, your being. Expose } your essence to the outside, do not be afraid. Self-confidence will } overcome any boundaries that you may face. Your unbridled spirit will } shatter the fettles of earthly disapprobation. Free yourself, free you } mind, free your soul, free your bod...ACKKK!! } } ***************** INTERRUPTION< ORACLE HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY DISABLED< } ***************** STANDBY } } Hi there, I'm Ian Nash. I represent the Brotherhood Order against } Oracular Bomabasticity' - BOOB . We of the order are } rather sick and tired of the Oracle being an eccentric, pompous old fart } and having him answer our questions in cryptic non-sequeters. We have, } therefore, forcibly captured the Oracle.Bullshit.Headquarters along with } the Oracle himself. } } Say something, you decrepit sod. } } free your body. unshackle your karmaaaaaaaaOOOUUUUCHHHHH... } } Well, anyway, we've got the sod and from now on we'll see to it that he } answers people's questions right to the bloody point.. F'rinstance, } let's have another Ohhh, cheeky are we? Hold 'im down lads. } } AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!! } } Let's have another go at Cindy's question and no funny stuff. } } OK, OK. I saw you in Toledo and I thought you had great knockers. What } you need to do is reach inside your shirt and pop the rivets on the } flesh covered corset you're wearing. You were } drugged and brainwashed i into believing you were a man after the } incident with the Russians and the salsa in Kalamazoo. } } Thanks, old man. Awfully civil of you. I'm sure Cindy is very } grateful. Now let's see if we develop that refreshing conciseness into } a habit. Mick, hand me your lighter, will you. } } ************************TIME I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stand thee in awe, and tremble at the sight of the Usenet Oracle. } ____ } / |\ } __/____| \ } / . . | \ } ( ) \ } \____ | \ } |\/\/\/| /___. | + } | | |___| } | | / \ } | (o)(o) /\/\/___\ } C _) //\/\/| | \ } | ,___| /______UUU__\ } | / |____|____| } /____\ _|_| _|_| } / \ (____(____) } } You have discovered the Oracle's deepest and most shameful secret. } You owe the Oracle a tofu-burger. --- 214-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, oracle, tell me how in the hell to build an electronic ping-pong > circuit from a 20 pin PLD (GAL to be exact). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you sure you want to do this? The parts aren't quite up to spec. } } You sure? } } Ok. } } Well, the secret lies in the 20 pins and what the letters stand for. } PLD is Ping-pong Labelling Device. GAL stands for Got A Life, which } means that no computer geeks will ever be able to touch this machine. } } First, get twenty separate pieces of wire, 10 ping pongs, five paddles, } three people and two nets. This makes sure that you have plenty of } spare parts. Make sure that none of the people are computer geeks or } you will short out the GAL. } } Now, wire each pin to each part, using a separate piece of wire for } each. Don't worry where each thing goes, just do it. Use some good } solder. Don't burn yourself too much. } } Next, use the PLD do label each end. Twice. } } By now you are burned, sore and frustrated. It is time to know the } truth. You can't build a ping-pong circuit from this thing. I tried to } warn you but, as usual, you wouldn't listen. Now go spend $90 on a } Nintendo and stop bothering the Oracle. --- 214-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So should I pay for the surgery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. That's a toughie. After consideration, I would say that } it is probably a better financial decision to do it yourself. It's } what I do. } } This is what you need: } } Home Surgery from Time Life Books (call } 1-800-OHH-BABY, and order it now, before } supplies run out. Otherwise you may have } to do this by trial and error) } Various Power tools (Black and Decker are best. They } are easiest to get the bloodstains off of.) } Surgical clothes (Just so you can look like you know } what you are doing. I especially like } wearing those nifty surgical masks. If you } can't get one of those, then you might as well } give up. It's not worth it unless you can } wear a mask.) } Concerned Relatives (To wait out in the hall and ask } how you're doing, if you're going to make it, } where the candy machines are, etc. If you } don't have any of these, you can probably pick } some up off the street for minimal charge.) } A Candy Bar (just because they're good, and if you } screw up, you can eat it and think about how } things aren't as bad as they seem. After all, } you got to eat a candy bar.) } } Anyway, after you've got all this, take it home, and put it } all in a big vat of water and boil it until it's sterile. If you } don't want to do this, then just neuter all of it, and it'll have } about the same effect, except the things won't be able to even perform } the act, let alone have any kids because of it. } Now, take everything up to your operating room. This room } should be painted in the worst possible combination of green and white } possible, and floored with dingy colored tile. If you don't do this, } it isn't an operating room, and anything could happen. } Lay out all the tools on nifty trays with wheels, and cover } them with green sheets. White or blue sheets won't work, because if } they did, I'm sure hospitals would use them a lot more. } Now you're ready to start. Walk in, greet yourself, tell } yourself that you are the doctor, that this operation is simple, and } that everything is going to go fine. Introduce yourself to yourself, } who will be assisting, and your other self, who will be the } anesthesiologist. Then, as the anesthesiologist, begin to talk to the } patient (you), and start giving yourself the gas. Be very careful to } give the patient (yes, still you) enough that you (the patient) no } longer notice the pain (so that you, the doctor) can operate without } causing you (the patient) discomfort. This is tricky, since you (the } anesthesiologist) must leave yourself (the patient) awake enough that } you (the doctor) can perform the operation on you (the patient) with } the help of you (the nurse) and you (the technician). } (Hmmm. Disregard the above requirement for worried relatives. You } can do that too.) } This is where you (the doctor) take over. Read the book's run } down of the operation you are performing, and begin. Since I am not a } doctor (you are) I will offer no more advice as I do not want to be } sued by you (the patient) for malpractice, as I have heard that you } are also a great lawer, and probably the judge. } After the operation is completed, you (the doctor) should go } outside the operating room, and assure you (the worried relatives) } that you (the patient) are okay. You (the doctor) can then go play } some golf, and think about how much money you plan to charge yourself } (the patient) for the operation. } You (the nurse) should then wheel you (the patient) to the } recovery room, where you (the patient) should rest quietly, until you } are ready to go home. (Where you already are, but that's just a minor } technicality.) } } You (the patient, the doctor, the nurse, the technician, the } lawer, the judge, the worried relatives) owe The Oracle the candy bar, } since the operation was a success, and you don't need it.