From kinzler Tue Nov 27 10:59:33 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 27 Nov 90 10:51:34 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #234 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 234 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #234 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 27 Nov 90 10:51:34 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 229 15 votes 01365 27222 30372 36321 21651 25431 04623 25341 04821 00339 229 3.2 mean 4.0 2.7 3.3 2.5 3.1 2.7 3.3 2.8 3.0 4.4 --- 234-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've had my heart broken once and didn't really like it. I thought we > were closere and didn't need any relationship to withhold us, but that's > what I get for thinking. Now, another more beautiful, outstanding young > woman has entered my life. She's original and the best friend I've ever > had. Should I fall in love? Should I allow myself to possibly be hurt > again? If so, can you, oh mighty Oracle, compose a love poem for me? > Every time I try to do so, I end up letting my feelings get in the way. > Thus I end up with something like: You've got a lot of class/I love > your style. When I look at you, I drink beauty with my eyes /I really > dig your smile. As you can see, I'm not good at writing love poems. > I'M SO CONFUSED! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, what a dark and heavy nightmare, } Those moonlit heights! } To touch the violin for so many years, } and not to recognise the strings in the light. } } Who needs us? Who lit up these } two yellow faces? Two melancholy faces? } And suddenly the bow felt that someone } took them and someone merged them. } } Oh, how long it's been! } Tell me one thing, are you the same one? } The same one? } And the strings caressed him, } and caressingly quivered. } } "Is it not true?" } "We will never part again?" } And the violin replied "yes", } though its heart was gripped with pain. } } The bow understood and fell silent. } But the echo in the violin still persisted. } And it was torture to them, } what seemed like music to others. } } But the man did not extinguish the candles } until the morning. And the strings sang... } And only the sun found them drained of strength } on the black velvet of the bed. } } The Oracle } } PS Think about it. --- 234-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have to provide a nice reference letter for someone I can't actually > stand. Please write it for me. I'm in trouble if this person doesn't > get the job, but I don't want to say anything untrue, either. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A common dilemma. The Oracle, being omniinfluential and very sexy } to boot, often receives requests for recommendations, so I know } how you feel. I usually write something like this: } } To whom it may concern: } } I am writing to you not so much on behalf of, but about Mr./Ms. } Obnoxious, because I am being embarrassed/coerced/bribed into doing } it. [Of course the Oracle is never embarrassed and cannot be bribed or } coerced. That's for your benefit.] Mr./Ms. Obnoxious has no redeeming } qualities that I can think of, but is prone to violent fits of } homicidal rage when his/her applications are rejected. [Okay, so } that's a slight exaggeration. It's better than saying, 'He/She is } courteous, efficient, motivated and a team player.' Gag me with a } virtual spoon!] Please do me and yourself a favor: hire this person } and transfer him/her to your South Pole branch. } } The Oracle recommends you hire Mr. T as a bodyguard for a few weeks. --- 234-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get my girlfriend and her houseboat out of my bladder? She > sends me telepathic messages and says she's having a great time and > doesn't want to come out, but I want her outside of me so we can kiss > and cuddle and make love and just do things together. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have to think about this one very carefully. I mean, do you } really want to kiss someone who has been in your bladder ? Just think } about that for a minute! Yuck! } } However, I'll think about it for a moment ... hmmm ... } } Ahah. Drink! That always does it! Drink as much as humanly possible } (which is of course, only a fraction of what I, the Oracle, can manage } ...), preferably stuff with a reasonable alcohol content. Don't go to } the toilet, just sit there with your legs crossed, shaking violently. } Go outside into the cold, and fall asleep (it must be *very* cold, and } the alcohol was to help you sleep). Get a friend to remove your lower } garments, and to place one hand in a bowl of warm water, and the other } in a bowl of cold water. } } All these factors should encourage your bladder to engage in superhuman } (but waaaaay below Oracular standards) efforts to relieve itself. With } a bit of luck, and no icicles, the pressure should be sufficient to } dislodge your girlfriend and her houseboat. But don't forget to } telepathically warn her first! Oh ... you're asleep. But you did tell } her that you were going to do it, didn't you ...? No?! But she won't } have stowed anything away otherwise ... } } } } So. Your (ex-)girlfriend and her houseboat are now out. She was in the } shower, and is now standing soaking wet and stark naked in the cold on } the sidewalk. The boat is a wreck - everything inside it is smashed. } And what can she see ? You, lying drunk on the ground, wearing no } trousers and urinating all over your legs. What a sight! Of course, } she'll just be so happy, and jump on you and make mad passionate love, } won't she ? } } All in all, The Oracle considers that you had better leave her in your } bladder, and discuss the possibility of splitting up. That way, you can } go out with other girls, and she can stay exactly where she's happiest. } } You owe the Oracle the script to 'The Fantastic Voyage'. --- 234-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh onipotent, specious one: > > Is it not true that men and women are actually separate and distinct > species dwelling in sympathic parasitic union. Does this not explain > the difficulty in communications suffered by all species. After all, > mankind still has trouble discussing Plato with grizzly bears, much less > cobras. Every tried following a discussion of an easy subject like > Plato between men and women, much less a tough subject like > interpersonal relationships, or where to go for dinner. > > You opinion is requested. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though men and women are biologically of the same species, their } SOULS is what make the great difference. The fact that it is nigh } on impossible for a male to discuss with a female ANY subject that } he's really interested in, shows that the minds of the two sexes } are totally incompatible. The only time a man can have an interesting } conversation with a woman in when she wants something from him, like } his money or his body. On these occations, however, the male tends to } get absorbed by the female, thinking he's at last found a woman he } can have a conversation with, and subsequently more or less eats } out of her hand. This is all a cunning plot, by which the woman } gradually takes control over her poor victim, turning him into a } ^Z } } Interrupt forced by %wife-DAEMON (Ethel@bad.temper) } } > WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? } } Eh, nothing, dearest, it's a... } } > SO THAT'S WHAT YOU USE THAT BLEEDIN' COMPUTER FOR, IS IT? } MALE CHAUVINIST BULLSHIT? } } But sincerely, honey, I mean, I was just kidding... } } > KIDDING MY ASS! "WHEN SHE WANTS HIS MONEY OR HIS BODY..." I'LL } TELL YOU ONE THING FOR SURE, THAT'S YOU NEVER HAD MUCH OF NEITHER } OF THEM! } } It's called the Oracle and... } } > OH, OH, OH! WE'RE GETTING A BIT PHILOSOPHICAL, AIN'T WE? WELL, I'LL } GIVE YOU A GOOD PREDICTION IF EVER YOU HEARD ONE! YOU KNOW WHAT } THIS IS? } } Eh, it's a rollpin... Please put that thing away, sweetheart, before } anyone gets hurt... } } > I'LL BLEEDIN' ORACLE YOU! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE... WHAT THE HELL } YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! COME OUT FROM UNDER THAT SOFA! } } Ain't I the lord of my own house? I can lie under the sofa as much as I } like without asking you, can't I? --- 234-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > Tell me, can one reach enlightenment by plugging oneself into a > wall socket? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, I wonder what idiotic questions await me today. } oracle% telnet heaven.pearlygates.com } Trying... } Connected to heaven.pearlygates.com. } Escape character is '^]'. } } Login: oracle } Password: } COSMIX System XVII Release 43.01 } Copyright (c) 3000BC Universal Telecommunications Inc. } A subsidiary of AT&T } All Rights Reserved. } } ************************************************** } All Informational Greater beings please note: } The new system checking daemons are now installed, } this should result in faster, more efficient } and more accurate replies to supplicants } ************************************************** } You have new mail. } } % w } 6:19pm up 2509 years, 8:47, 18 users, load average: 968.0, 965.4, 964.0 } User tty login@ idle JCPU PCPU what } god console Bigbang 87345:12 :45 rm -rf /country/Kuwait } gabriel i00 12:32pm 2:04 1:30 nethack } jesus i01 12:00am 1957y 105:03 :01 sleep 2147483647 } micheal i02 2:14am 11:43 11:41 emp_client } uriel i03 3:56pm 23 45 16 telnet vms.hell.com 25 } rafael i04 10:02am 2 37 17 nn alt.sex.pictures } daemon i05 7:14am 2:15 2:15 check } uunet i06 5:59pm :14 :12 NNTP } oracle i07 5:54pm 3 1 w } % answer } There are 73 dweebs waiting for replies } Read first one now? y } >From nerd@cs.buffalo.edu } Oh mighty Oracle, } Tell me, can one reach enlightenment by plugging oneself into a } wall socket? } EOF } What next (reply, consult life history, ignore) (ignore) ? r } Enter reply, end with a ^D or EOF } } Of course! Go ahead, try it... } } You owe the oracle a - } } Message from heaven!truthd at 17:55:00 } Oracle Truth & Safety Guideline Breach Detected. } } damn! foiled! } } Oh alright... To truly reach enlightenment, first you must climb to the } highest tower in the kingdom, and, armed only with a sword, leap } } Message from heaven!copyrightd at 17:55:01 } Breach of Python copyright Detected. Please buy 'All the Words'. } } Hmmm... How about: } Once Dan Quayle has become President, become his Secretary of State for } } Message from heaven!politicd at 17:55:02 } Impossible Event Detected. } } Argh, these new daemons take all the fun out of it } } Message from heaven!contradictd at 17:55:03 } No we dont. } } Oh, forget it. I'm going home. } } Message from heaven!guiltd at 17:55:04 } But what about those poor suffering mortals? } } Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I'm not really meant to tell you this, but } True Enlightenment can be gained very easily by simply } } Message from heaven!securityd at 17:55:04 } Sorry, but you are unauthorised to reveal that to lower beings. } } Killed } Connection closed by foreign host. } } Damn. } } You owe the Oracle a security hole, so I can kill those daemons. --- 234-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > //ORACLE JOB > /*JOBPARM R=2048,T=(5,0) > /*ROUTE PRINT ORACLE.ORACLE > /*ROUTE PUNCH ORACLE.ORACLE > //LINK EXEC PGM=IEWL,PARM='NAME=ORACLE' > //SYSLMOD DD DSN=ORACLE.LOAD(ORACLE),DISP=(OLD,KEEP) > //SYSLOUT DD SYSOUT=A > //SYSPRINT DD SYSOUT=A > //SYSUT1 DD UNIT=(TPUSER,SEP=(SYSLMOD,SYSLIN)), > // SPACE=(1024,(200,20)) > //SYSLIN DD * > oh oracle, is it worth my time to learn unix? > /* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Learn something useful and popular like C, if you're actually } going to be using it later in life. Instead of computer programming } try something more useful with your hands, like relieving stress } through masturbation, it can change your life. --- 234-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do my questions never make the postings in alt.humor.oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just consult The Oracle's Guide On How To Get Into Alt.Humor.Oracle } (provided below for your convenience) } } ------------------------------------------------------ } The Oracle's Guide On How To Get Into Alt.Humor.Oracle } ------------------------------------------------------ } } If you are the asking part: } } 1. Greet the Oracle in a witty way. Examples: } } "Oh Psychopharmactic One" } "Omniseductive Oracle, whose tan is more perfect than any ever } appearing in a 'Juicy Fruit' commercial" } "You mongrel-faced, cumquat-brained sod! Bet I'll beat you on } this one!" } } 2. Ask about that ever-interesting subject: SEX! } Questions having even the least connection with this delightful } topic will most certainly amuse the priesthood. If the word } "Lisa" is included, your place in the next posting will be } nigh on totally secured. } } 3. Ask *really* dumb questions, sure to arise a massive flaming } from the replying part. It might hurt your feelings a bit, } but it's well worth it, isn't it? } } 4. Ask totally incomprehensible questions, like: } } "Whither mulberries?" } "Motown! Motown! Refurbish your hallway!" } "Are coffee tables?" } "Upon inspection of several rather large rodents, I found } nothing extraordinary. Why?" } } This will give the replier freedom to answer in any way he } likes, and at last present him with the opportunity to } include his extremely funny favorite answer, which he has been } pondering for a long time, only waiting for an appropriate } question. } } 5. Ask your questions in verse. } } If you are the answering part: } } 1. Interpret the question in a funny way, preferrable a sexual one. } } 2. Include penguins, Punjabi micro-tigers and/or interesting parts } of Lisa's body in the answer.. } } 3. Flame the asking part mercifullessly. } } 4. Freak out completely, answering an other question altogether, } or don't answer any question at all, just be weird. } } 5. Use the "Interrupt from heaven@pearly.gates"-gimmick. } } 6. Make an "Oracle's Guide To..." } } If this fails, make fake Oracularities with your own questions in and } send them to alt.humor.oracle, or simply lie and tell people you wrote } this question or that. No-one can prove the opposite anyway. --- 234-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have the Summertime Blues. What can I do to cure them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, The Oracle suggests you consult your calendar. It is } no longer summer, so you cannot have the Summertime Blues -- you have } the lesser-known (never made the charts) but equally virulent Autumn } Blues. While there is no known cure, there are a few things you can do. } } 1. Call up the IRS and ask for an audit. } 2. Turn down the volume on your TV and watch Gilligan's Island } reruns with the Star Wars theme playing on your stereo. } 3. Send wine back. } 4. Turn down the volume on your TV and watch Star Wars with the } Gilligan's Island theme playing on your stereo. } 5. Put 'kill -9 0' in your .login file. } 7. Amuse a cat. } 8. Tape the Dr. Demento show and play it backwards. } 9. Explain to your system administrator why there is a 'kill -9 0' } in your .login file. } 10. Try to figure out why there is no item #6 in this list. } } If the condition persists, repeat the above procedures. Either the } condition will stop persisting or some nice men will come and take you } to a place where you won't have to worry about it any more. --- 234-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, are there so many UNIX freaks in the world today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Language evolution. } } If you had not been, how shall I say, "otherwise involved" during } the time last month when you were supposed to be in your linguistics } course, you would have heard the speech by the guest lecturer from } the University of Egypt explaining it all. However, since you } have obviously recovered from that stage in your development } (Pity, I had not previously realized that one could do such things } with lawnmowers, tangerine flavoured ice cream, and aardvaarks, } and it was beginning to get interesting.) I will indulge you this once } and replay the salient section. } } brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb! } } .. ... } } (Damn tape recorder) brrrb! } } ...and now we come to perhaps the most interesting section of } this lecture. It is well known that at various times during the past, } it has been found useful to have the services of male humans without } certain unneccessary parts of their body. Aside from the benefit of } being good singers, this also allowed them to be extremely useful as } ... rbr! } } ...and since this drive was also found to be neccessary for } proper function of the workstation, one was quite quickly acquired. } The unfortunate young man standing nearby from whom this new drive, the } "S"uper "X"cellent (or SX for short) drive, was acquired was later } found in psychological testing to have an extreme aptitude on said } workstation. It is conjectured that this Eunichs affect is quite } contagious, since all of the testers were found the following evening } engaged in an intense csh session. Attempted removal caused extreme } anguish and withdrawal symptoms, usually followed by glassy stares } and meaningless babbling reminiscent of bad 'C' code. Unfortunately, } the afflicted persons have since reentered society, and an attempt at } quarantine is sadly overdue. Say, that wouldn't happen to be a NeXT } workstation in there, would it? I haven't... } } Please pay better attention in your courses from now on. } } You owe The Oracle an aardvaark and certain of your unneccessary } body parts. Plus some tangerine ice cream. --- 234-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want lots of electronic mail from witty, intelligent women. Then I > want one of them to fall madly in love with me and I with her, and I > want us to meet and find each other physically attractive, and then get > married. How do I ensure that this will happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal, don't you realize the futility of your feeble quest? It } is well known that there are no women out in the electronic jungle know } as Usenet, but rather former shells of women, once voluptuous and full } of grace, now relegated to be pastey-skinned automatons who poke blindly } at the keyboard. } } The Oracle (the almighty) is not bitter, and wishes not to bore you with } its own attempt to find and devour witty, intellegent babes, but rather } discourage you from embarking upon a long, fruitless search. } } In an effort to do this, the Oracle (the most awesome) has compiled in } great emotional pain and at the expense of two graduate student's } fellowship grants, the warning signs of the human female's } disintegration after years in front of the terminal. } } Time Spent Effects of Exposure } ---------- ------------------- } } 1 to 3 months About this time, vast clumps of hair will be } missing, revealing unsightly bald spots from } hair pulling frustration at management for the } absurdity of the latest project revisions. } } 3 to 6 months Hair completely gone, skin now pastey-white from } the CRT radiation being the only sunlight the face } is recieving. } } 6 to 12 months Bald, flaky white skin. Eyes are now glazed over } and bulbous from one to many all nighters } straining to meet irrational managements latest } deadline. } } 1 to 1.5 years Bald, bug-eyed, skin now resembles century-old } plaster from lack of sunlight. Floresents playing } off the bald head have given it the apperance of a } moldy orange. The thighs are starting to get } flabby from days-at-a-time marathon programming } sessions spent sitting motionless in the chair. } } 1.5 to 3 years Further deterioration includes the thighs now } having a permanent impression of the sasme old } chair, and the wrists are now at a permanent 131.6 } degree angle from continuously using the keyboard } at 55 wpm. } } 3 to 5 years In many cases, the damage is irreversible at this } time. The woman has now gone deaf also. The } hearing has become attuned only to the frequencies } of the hard drive line printer, and air } conditioners. All other noise is now being } treated as irrelevant background moise, including } but not limited to low-end user whinning about } non-standard user interfaces. } } Beyond 5 years Women unfortunate enough to remain at the terminal } for this long now find that the long years in the } same position has now made the rare occurance of } standing to become an excellent impression of } Quasimodo. The woman has also come into the habit } of mumbling to herself and now fondly considers } the idea of entering management. } } So you see, while the probabilty of you meeting a woman on the net is } very high, the women on the net are all experts in their field with } years of experience. This all implies that these women have high } intellegence, and may even be witty in between geekisms, but the } deterioration from the terminal room and a high technical background } leave no women left to really meet your expectations. } } The Oracle feels you should step back, away from the terminal, go buy a } copy of The Village Voice, and answer the ad in the back that reads } Asian Women need your love... } } You owe the Oracle a facelift, a copy of the Village Voice, and a } Lazyboy recliner with a 256 color high resolution display.