From kinzler Wed Nov 28 15:21:12 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 28 Nov 90 15:15:27 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #235 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 235 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #235 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 28 Nov 90 15:15:27 -0500 @@@ REC.HUMOR ANNOUNCEMENT @@@ @@@ This will be the last Usenet Oracularities volume cross-posted to @@@ rec.humor. They will now only be posted to alt.humor.oracle. If @@@ you have been reading them in rec.humor and want to continue reading @@@ them, but don't have access to alt.humor.oracle, you can receive the @@@ Oracularities via e-mail -- send a request to @@@ oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu to get on the distribution list. @@@ If you will stop reading the Oracularities because they're no longer @@@ available in rec.humor, drop me a note, too -- I'd like to know. @@@ @@@ To anyone on the distribution list: if you want off the list @@@ because you can read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle, you can @@@ mail to oracle-request to do that, too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 230 18 votes 12744 34560 04383 44433 22383 35631 21483 21645 32652 06534 230 3.2 mean 3.4 2.8 3.6 2.8 3.4 2.7 3.5 3.5 3.1 3.3 --- 235-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All the women I find attractive find me replusive. All the women who > have ever found me attractive I find repulsive. For instance, this > crazy undergrad girl is apeshit over me, but she makes me think of > slugs, and I can't get an erection when she's around even though I'm > horny when she shows up. And then there's this sleek, sexy, ravishing > brunette only a couple inches shorter than me, and she drives me wild, > and though she kind of likes me she's in love with somebody else, and > anyway she has all sorts of crazy beliefs like vegetarianism and > reincarnation and crystal healing even though she has a Ph. D. in > electrical engineering. So how come I can never find anyone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle regrets that it is your karma in this particular lifetime } never to maintain a relationship with a woman for more than about 2-1/2 } hours. } } However, with a few slight modifications to your lifestyle, you *might* } be able to extend this number to up to 4 consecutive hours, or } 8 hours spread over 2 weeks. First of all, give up hamburgers, pork } rinds, chicken wings, and other flesh products. These items in your } diet cause additives to your perspiration that make you smell } unattractive to women, even those who themselves consume such products. } Next, you might try wearing several amethysts, or perhaps a rose } quartz. These particular crystals might balance your inner psyche } and cause your aura to be a more appealing color. } } If all else fails, don't feel too bad; you'll have no problem being } around women in your next life: in fact, you're scheduled to come } back as one! } } You owe the Oracle Shirley MacLaine's autograph. --- 235-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From our observation post above your miserable little planet, we have > concluded that your society has degenerated to the point of no return. > > In our immense mercifulness, we have contacted you, O Puny Oracle, to > give your planet a hope in hell. (God only knows that if any of those > idiots living (if you can call it that) on the Earth's surface answered, > you'd all be intergallactic roasted marshmallows by now). > > According to "Zoltanian's Law of Degenerative Society", it has been > proven that the following three conditions are the signs of the imminent > self-destruction of a race: > > 1) Media infraction: > Geraldo Rivera, A Current Affair, Inside Edition, and > the National Enquirer > > 2) Entertainment infraction: > New Kids on the Block, Rap music, and "Babes" > > 3) Genocidal infraction: > Forcing the Toronto Maple Leafs to play the Calgary Flames > > Seeing the suffering the race is causing itself, we are poised above > your planet with 749 Zoltanian-R2 Battle Cruisers, ready to cleanse your > planet of all unwanted (and wanted) life forms. Is there any reason why > we shouldn't? > > -Bob and Doug, > Zoltanian Gerbil Patrol > > P.S. If it's not too much trouble, could you please send Kim Basinger > into orbit? We have decided that she is an adequate life form, > deserving of further study. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [curse under breath] ... arrogant little, INSIGNIFICANT Zoltanians... } don't they realize that our "media infractions" are part of a complex } program to cut down high school truancy? No, of course not... } } oracle> rlogin main.zoltan.com -l root } Password: } } ... they couldn't begin to PERCEIVE that kids would go to school if } Geraldo was all that was on TV during the day... NOOOOOO... that's to } SIMPLE to make sense to such COMPLEX minds such as theirs... } } +Welcome to Main.Zoltan.Com+ } } you have new mail } } What is thy bidding, root? } } ... Entertainment infraction, they say... BAH! What the hell do they } know about entertainment? They've spent the last 7 years watching } "CHiP's" reruns... stupid Zoltanains... sheesh... } } root> ch password } Old Password: } New Password: } Again: } } ... ok, so now they can't access root anymore... "Genocide" they say... } sheesh... like Canada isn't a REALLY UNIFIED nation... what the hell } do they think Quebec is there for, Comedy Relief?... they want to see } genocide? Lemme take them to downtown Cleveland for a while... oh, the } hell with it, lemme just adjust a few things... } } root> purge users } User: bob@main.zoltan.com } Purging... } User: doug@main.zoltan.com } Purging... } } root> recall * } Recall: retrieving lenore@dark.room.edu } retrieving cruiser1@earth.sol.com } retrieving cruiser2@earth.sol.com } ^Z } Stopped } root> fg & } [recall *] } } ... now we'll see some genocide as they try to figure out where all } their access codes went. "Gee Bob, where is our codes?" "I don't know, } Doug. Where the hell are all the cruisers?" I can see it all now... } mass confusion, yeah... and Kim is plenty happy on Earth, thank you } very much. } } Now leave me alone, before I decide to do something REALLY nasty to you. } } The Oracle hath spoken... --- 235-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great and Wonderous Oracle, I hope I'm not bothering > you too much, but your last answer left me somewhat > puzzled. My question mentioned that I've enjoyed being > the living incarnation of the Oracle for two dozen questions, > and I like it a lot, and what can I do with myself when the > unthinkable occurs and they're aren't any questions to be > answered. (Of course, it was a much wittier question in > person.) > > And your answer, in part, read like this... > "This incarnation has the same problem. ... I, too, approach madness > when the Oracle has no questions to ask. ... We must start an > organization of Oracle addicts. Perhaps a twelve-step program is > the key -- you know, like what AA has. Too bad that all of us are > male -- it'd be a great way to meet women otherwise. ..." > > This is all well and good, and I don't mean to question your > omniscience or invoke your wrath or anything, but, er, I'm > female. Is there something missing from the help file > that I should know about before it's too late? And does this > mean I'll never be invited to join the mystical priesthood > of the Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Female? That's impossible. There are no women on the nets. What are } you trying to do, play mind games with me? Get my hopes up that in this } isolated, womanless world of computer nerds, of insane thesis advisors } and false friends and unrelenting loneliness, there are actually women? } I think that women must be mythical beasts, like unicorns. I've never } met one on the net, and I am absolutely certain that you are really } male. } } Yes, I wrote that answer -- this particular incarnation of the Oracle. } Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you sure that that's the reflection } of a woman? Perhaps you have eye trouble. Try looking at yourself } naked. (In privacy, of course.) Look in the mirror. Look at your body. } Compare it with pictures of naked women. Does it really look more like } a woman's body than a man's? Try seeing a specialist. Have a } chromosome test, while you're at it. } } Well, suppose that you really are a woman. I'm not saying that it's } likely or that I've made a mistake, but let's just make that incredible } supposition. No, you will not be expelled from the Oracular priesthood } or anything. Male incarnations will have to be a little more } gentlemanly and write fewer answers that demean women, but apart from } that your sex should cause no problems at all. Except for you. You } will receive vast amounts of e-mail from love-starved young men all } around the world, who care only that you're female, intelligent, and not } as fat as Roseanne Barr. You will have a whole male harem of nerdy } suitors willing to die for you. } } Actually, I kind of hope against hope that you really are female... --- 235-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All day long it's Lisa this, Lisa that. Who IS this Lisa person? What > does she look like? What does she want? How can I meet her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In spite of your lack of humility before the Greatness which is The } Oracle, I will enlighten you with an answer. } } L.I.S.A. is an acronym for Label It with a Silly Acronym. } } It was created by the C.I.A., in conjunction with I.B.M. to confound } the K.G.B., and all the rest of those damn commies (D.C.'s)! The } reasoning was simple: if employees of Big Blue (B.B.) understood what } the hell was going on, then those D.C.'s would too. This would be an } unacceptable situation (U.S.). The key to this C.C.C.P. (Completely } Confuse the Commies Plan) was to give every mundane and trivial project, } department and product (P.D.P.'s) a L.I.S.A. } } While the D.C.'s thought they were escaping with top-secret information } on the S.T.A.R. W.A.R.S. defense system, they actually scammed info on } the "Solve This Algorithm Recursively With A Recursive Solution" plan, } created by I.B.M.'s M.W.D. (Make Work Division), in conjunction with } F.T.D. (Feeding The Dog), the people who brought you F.U.B.A.R. } } The next time you turn on the T.V. to watch N.B.C., you don't know what } you're going to get, so B.C. (Be Careful!). } } You owe me a B.L.T., A.S.A.P., no C.O.D.'s, please! --- 235-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I bet you don't publish this question in the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's not really a question, is it? It's a statement with a } question mark on its arse end instead of the more-appropriate } exclamation mark or period. } } Will it get published...well, that depends largely on this incarnation } of the Oracle. Can I and will I come up with so stunningly witty a } response that your poor, stupid excuse for a question will appear in all } of its dubious glory in a collection of Oracularities, solely on the } strength of my effort? Should I bother? What's in it for me? Are you } a charming and pretty and intelligent woman who will make passionate } love to me in return for a real effort? No: you don't even know how to } write a question, and by my Oracular Powers I can be certain that you're } not even female. Bribery? Well, a poor student like you can't afford } my services. Threats? You don't know who I am or where I am or how you } can hurt me. Nyaah! And I can rain threats on you -- probably they } won't come to pass, but you can't be absolutely certain that, for } instance, you will wake up tomorrow as a pretty young whore, or perhaps } Barbara Bush. Or Millie the literary dog. The Oracle has powerful } friends who can do things to you that you'd think impossible. } } I grow tired of this. You are right -- your dimwit "question" will } never get published here. Try IEEE Transactions on Knowledge and Data } Engineering. --- 235-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that Christmas started as a private venture in some guy's > garage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Close. It started in this guy's barn behind an inn. Pee-yew. } } Mr. Chris Chris began marketing his own brand of winter holiday, } first locally in Judea, then rapidly expanding through the Roman } Empire and beyond. It was a nice healthy business, but nothing } like what you see today. } } Along about that time, there were various competing holidays, } including 1) Christmas, 2) Xmas, 3) Hanukkah, 4) St. Satan's Day, } 5) Fourth of July, 6) Cinco de Mayo, 7) Baseball Opening Day, } 8) Santa's Merrie Olde Day, 9) Macy's Year End Sale, 10) Jesus's } Birthday Blowout, 11) St. Nicholas's Day, and 12) Easter. It was } an exciting time to be alive, mainly because the B.C. years were } finally over and people could start counting the years forward } instead of backward, allowing them to apply their brains to more } worthwhile areas of interest. The healthy spirit of competition that } bloomed caused many changes in the holiday business shortly thereafter. } } As in any competition, there were some early casualties. Xmas was } bought out by Christmas, in a deal that was ominous of future } leveraged buyouts. Mr. X sold out his interest, and retired to } Bermuda. There was some talk of his starting a spring holiday } named XXX, but the dirty movie industry muddied the waters too } greatly, and he gave up. } } Hanukkah at one time was a major contender, but suffered from a } serious marketing problem, namely that none of the proprietors } could agree on how to spell the damn thing. Hannuka, Honakah, } Hanuka, and even Chanukkah openly competed for the consumer'e } eye, hopelessly fragmenting its impact in the marketplace. } In retrospect, it may have been fortunate to have been so badly } splintered, because it thereby managed to avoid the attention } (and financial resources) of the bigger holidays. It has even } managed to make a modest resurgence in recent times. } } Some of the holidays simply disappeared without a trace. St. } Satan's Day, for instance, suddenly stopped being celebrated } due to the bad press surrounding a few of the wilder parties } it encouraged. The demise of others, like Baal Day, is shrouded } in mystery. } } A number of mildly successful holidays acheived true acceptance } only when they were moved to different days, owing to the stiff } competition. Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo and Baseball Opening } Day were moved earlier in the year, and have become resounding } successes. It was a particularly felicitous move for Baseball, } which was already under pressure to reduce the number of "Game } Postponed - Snow" items in the daily newspaper. } } Christmas would never have become the institution it now is, if } not for the acquisition of Santa's Merrie Olde Day a few years } later. This required Chris Chris's flash of insight to take the } basic concept of Santa (which was originally a cross between } Old King Cole and Humpty Dumpty), and replace the idea of giving } presents TO Santa with that of receiving presents FROM him. We } now take this for granted, but it was a big risk at the time. } Naysayers warned that parents would never allow their children } to sit on a strange old man's lap, and be given candy and toys. } But with careful attention to image (Santa's fangs were the first } to go), Chris proved the so-called experts wrong. } } Christmas/Merrie Olde Day became such a success, in fact, that the } other holidays, such as the ones named at the end of the above } list, were bought outright for cash. It was decided to keep } Easter separate and move it, as a form of vertical integration. } } Nowadays, in the Big Money societies that are all too prevalent, } you don't get a choice of holiday. You like Christmas, or you } lump it. (It is refreshing to see the resurgence in Hanukkah } celebrations, fostered by people who are sick and tired of the } monopolistic situation.) Enforcement of the antitrust laws } is needed to break up the powerful Christmas interests. } } Anyway, the guy who invented Christmas wasn't too sharp about } patents and trademarks, and failed to protect the name of his } holiday before it came into universal acceptance as THE winter } holiday. So although it had private beginnings, you are free } to use the name without payment of royalty or fear of prosecution. } } You owe the Oracle some Isotoner gloves. --- 235-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is everyone using C++ these days? The spec is so complicated, > and has so many side effects, that it looks like the Ada of the > 90s. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grade inflation threatened to become a serious problem in } the 80s, and educators across the U.S. are attempting } to counter this trend in the 90s by giving lower grades, } but making more exact use of the plus and minus designations. } } As you've noticed, many people are using C++. This translates } in percentage terms to 63.75. In the 1950's, this would have } been a C+ (allowing for rounding error). In the 1970's, this } would have been a B in the social sciences, and a B+ in everything } else except Creative Writing or at the University of California } at Santa Cruz (in which cases it would have been an S). In the } 1980's, this score would translate to a letter grade of A for } pre-medical students and those planning to attend graduate school. } For everyone else, it was an A-. } } Under the new system, certain classes may additionally contain } a prefix procedure to modify their grade data, in order } to evaluate along two dimensions simultaneously. For example, } a Physical Education grade of --B++, which would translate to a } percentage achievement score of 73.82, with the prefix } indicating that the person wasn't really trying very hard. } } The grade of C++ was indeed designed to be the Achievement } Daily Average (ADA) in the 90s (across all classes over } the course of the year, though not necessarily on any given day), } and the Oracle is very impressed that you noticed this. Because } it will be the new average score, she predicts that you'll be } seeing a lot more of C++. --- 235-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous oracle answer me this please: > What is Congessional ethics, what is military intellegence, what is > the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Thank you oh oracle! > Wilson And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My goodness, Wilson, you are an inquisitive fellow. You do know that } these are being charged to your home phone bill, don't you? } } Congressional Ethics: Saying, "Oh, no, I couldn't," the _first_ time } you are offered a bribe. If the other party insists, it is good form } to ask if you are being taped, but then accept the bribe. One mustn't } be rude, especially to a constituent with alot of money. } } Military Intelligence: Knowing as much information as possible about } your superior officer. Remember, knowledge is power. } } That Stupid Swallow Question: First of all, "air speed velocity" is } redundant. The airspeed of a swallow is 30 knots, 35 if he's had it's } coffee. And, before you ask, no, it doesn't matter if it's an African } or European Swallow. You trust a bunch of British comedians for } important biological information like this? Foolish mortal. } } You owe the Oracle more money than you can possibly repay, and the } Oracle doesn't particularly want your first-born child. --- 235-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrously arcane and obscure Oracle, tell me, please, > Is it all over between us? My first question brought your > soulful reply even before I logged out! My follow-up question > brought the joy of your wisdom to me yet more quickly still. > But then, oh woe to relate this, I wrote yet again, and even > though I didn't ask about the meaning of life, it's been days > and days without a response from you! Why are you ignoring > me? What it something I said? Is there someone else? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Child, child! Have patience! You are not forgotten. The problem is } that some incarnations of the Oracle are at net sites that send and } receive e-mail only once or twice a day. With bad luck, it could take } three days or more for a reply! Also, note that some incarnations are } so perverse as not to answer the questions put to them -- they simply } discard them without replying! Horrible things later happen to these } wretches, such as possession by the ghost of Elanor Roosevelt, } transformation into copies of Roseanne Barr, metamorphosis into cave } newts, and the like. But the software at iuvax lacks the Oracle's own } precognitive abilities, and so it waits for an answer that never comes } -- and only then does it send the question out to someone who is more } worthy. } } Have patience. You are a sweet child. Lisa is still beautiful but she } grows bitchy. Would you like your consciousness transferred into her } body? The result would be a superb woman, someone you'd really enjoy } being. --- 235-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose superior wisdom makes every mortal being > appear as but the merest of slugs, whose scalp has never been > plagued by dandruff, out of whose nostrils no hair is sticking, > the Smurfs of whose lunchbox are the most beautiful blue in color, > whose snakeskin jacket is the ultimate symbol for individuality > and personal freedom, whose infinite riches would easily allow > It to give each of Its disciples $28 if It wanted to, whose Fender > Jaguar is exquisitly well-tuned, and whose collection of garden > gnomes is the most extensive in the entire history of the universe, > please tell me... Oh sod, I forgot the question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hell, with an introduction THAT obsequious, the Oracle will SUPPLY a } question. The Oracle will even give you a choice. OK, how about: } } > What is the meaning of life? } } Sorry, over quota on life meanings. Next. } } > Lisa HUGE breasts baby oil? } } If the Oracle answered every Lisa question that came down the pipe, the } Meta-Cray would never have time for anything else important, like } expiring old news and stuff. I suggest writing to the Lisa Fan Club at } lisa-fans@lisavax.getalife.yesyou.org. Don't use "lisa-request" unless } you know Her VERY well. } } > How can we solve the Kuwait problem nonviolently? } } While the Oracle is infallible in all matters of international } politics, Poppy has asked Me, as a personal favor, not to answer this } one, since he has his heart set on a nice little war. Musn't } disappoint the leader of the free world; anyway, he promised he'd get } the Oracle's NSF grant extended. } } > Is Fermat's Last Theorem really true? } } The Oracle has a truly remarkable proof, but it's been archived for } disk space reasons. } } > How can I get the Oracle to answer my questions? } } Ah, this is a good one. An introduction like that above is an } excellent start. The Oracle would also like to recommend the inclusion } of negotiable currency as an excellent method of rapidly advancing in } the input queue. While the Oracle is already wealthy beyond imagining, } it's the thought the counts. Big thoughts count more. } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of boots. Well shined.