From kinzler Thu Nov 29 19:17:57 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 29 Nov 90 19:14:44 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #236 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 236 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #236 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 29 Nov 90 19:14:44 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 231 16 votes 02572 31246 06622 37411 32452 38221 36331 31831 03670 11428 231 3.1 mean 3.6 3.6 3.0 2.4 3.1 2.4 2.6 2.9 3.3 3.9 --- 236-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is up? And why does it fizzle when I say strawberry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Up is very good; down is sometimes better; up and down can be wonderful } indeed, but the Oracle doesn't recommend it unless you're in good } physical shape. It fizzles when you say strawberry because of that } early childhood accident with the jam. You should really try to get } over that -- I've talked with Judy and she really thought you were } quite cute, and it's no use asking about up and down unless you get } over the strawberries. } } You owe the Oracle a raspberry upside down cake. --- 236-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nobody sends me electronic mail any more, except for you, wise Oracle. > You realize that you are the only friend I have in the world, don't you? > Everybody else holds me in contempt. Actually, you probably do too, but > so far you have been kind enough not to admit it and anyhow you always > answer my e-mail, which is so good of you that it makes me want to weep > because you are being so kind. > > Anyhow I just want to write and thank you for being yourself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There there, my dear friend. I don't reply to your notes out of mere } obligation, but because I value you highly as a person. You are a } worthwhile human being, which for some reason the world has not yet } recognized, but be assured, your time will come. } } Things always seem darkest before dawn's first light. Let's see if we } can't find some news to cheer you up. } } pearlygates% telnet future-node } Trying 128.-1.1.1 } Connected to future-node } Escape character is '^]' } } GodOS UNIX (future-node) } } login: root } Password: } Last login: Tue Nov 26, 1437AD 08:44:34 on console } GodOS Release 4.1 (DB50) #1: Thu Aug 23 11:13:17 CDT 1990 } You have mail (14409301 unread). } Read now? (y/n) n } } future-node% ls } botha cuomo hussein thatcher } bush gorbachev pope wellstone } cher hopeless-dweeb quayle } future-node% cd hopeless-dweeb } future-node% /etc/predict } Future All-Telling Enabler, Version 3.0 (beta) } Current database is hopeless-dweeb } For help, type ? } FATE> find next good news } Searching.............................................. } Searching... } FATE> display } Waitress (Thelma) at corner diner smiles at subject. } FATE> when } This Friday evening. } FATE> find next good news; display } Searching.. } Thelma consents to a date with subject. } FATE> find next 4 good news; display } Searching...... } Thelma falls in love with subject, agrees to marry subject. } Thelma's aged aunt wins lottery. } Thelma's aged aunt dies from the surprise. } Thelma inherits $3 million. } FATE> find next 4 news; display } Searching } Thelma decides to run off with rock star two days before marrying } subject. } Subject catches the flu. } Subject's computer link to the Oracle goes down for a week. } Subject becomes despondent, attempts suicide. } FATE> ^D } future-node% ^D } pearlygates% } } Whoops. Forgot to add the qualifier "good" to the requests. *Ahem*. } Well, I hope the bad news doesn't spoil the good for you. Anyway, } it seems like things will be looking up for you shortly, so cheer } up. Just remember to take your vitamin C tablets, OK? I'll talk to } the sysadmins; they can probably patch around the mail feed outage. } It probably won't happen that way anyway, I think; not necessarily, } at least. I'll try and take care of it beforehand. } } You owe the Oracle an, uh, oh never mind. Bummer. --- 236-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wisest of the wiser than most, why do people spell Sigmund > Froid's name wrong? That or why do they pronounce Sigmund Freud's name > wrong? I am very confused... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right, let's explore that thought. His name bothers you? Uh huh. } Why do you think that might be? Uh huh. Uh huh. Did you feel that way } as a child? Uh huh. I see. Uh huh. Did your mother and father feel } that way also? Uh huh. I see. Uh huh. Uh huh. You're blocking now. } There's no sense in going on if you won't be honest with yourself and } me. Uh huh. That's much better. } } Uh huh. No, I don't think that's strange, but how does it make you feel } about yourself? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh, that's fairly common in } families where there is a younger brother. Uh huh. Uh huh. That's } quite all right, here's a kleenex. Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, that's quite } normally seen in women. But after they reach maturity, they normally } progress from clitoral ones to vaginal ones. Uh huh. I see. Uh huh. } Uh huh. Do you now see the connection between Freud's beard and your } mother's pubic hair? Uh huh. What does that say to you about Freud's } tongue? Uh huh. Uh huh. } } Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. I see. Uh huh. Yes, that's a fairly common } dream; when it happens, just remind yourself that the shopping cart is } only a phallic symbol, and go back to sleep. Uh huh. No. Uh huh. I } see. Yes, sometimes a banana is just a banana. Uh huh. I see. } Please, keep your hands to yourself. Uh huh. I see. Uh huh. Yes, if } you wish, but be sure to clean up the couch when you are done. Uh huh. } I see. I see. Uh huh. Well, I'm afraid our time is up for this week. } Please make an appointment with the Usenet secretary for, oh, two days } from now. And call me at once if you have any more of the urges } regarding the grape jelly. } } You owe the Oracle a pacifier, or a thumb to suck on. Oh, and $125. --- 236-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I turn my office mate into a beautiful woman who will fall in > love with me? I'm getting sick of him the way he is, and such a > metamorphosis would not only dispose of his current self but replace > that minx who dumped me last month for a would-be rock singer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is always happy to help a supplicant in need. The spell } that you need is available by anonymous FTP from } oraclevax.oracle.heaven.org, directory } /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform. Since you want an instant Love } At First Sight reaction, replace the yak blood with a rooster's comb, } and let stand for twelve minutes rather than ten. } } Works like a charm. Well, of course, it IS a charm. } } OK, that looks good. NO YOU FOOL, DON'T DRINK IT YOURSELF! Oh, } dear, you've changed yourself into an gorgeous woman who ... just fell } in love with your officemate. Uh, shouldn't you at least find a } conference room before you ... well, I guess not. } } This one's on the Oracle. The reverse potion is also available by } anonymous FTP in /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform-anti, when you } two run out of condoms. --- 236-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to kick the habit of read-news?!? > > Thanx. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry you never contacted me before } this... such addictions are more easily halted in the earlier stages, } when you're still experimenting with Read-News. But you've admitted you } have a problem, and that's a very important first step, sometimes the } hardest part of rehabilitation. As for the rest of the treatment, there } are several very good centers in various locations across the country to } help you kick your habit, including a new wing in the Betty Ford Center } devoted entirely to RNS (Read-News Syndrome) research and rehab. } However, these clinics are expensive, so if you cannot afford the } treatment, here is a fairly simple regimen you can perform in your own } home, with the help of an understanding loved one, parent, or friend. } } The first step: } } 1) Detoxification: your system must be flushed out and all thoughts of } read-news expelled. The best way to accomplish this is to sit in front } of a television set watching "I Love Lucy" reruns for 20 hours straight. } Harsh methods, but effective. Unfortunately, this can lead to its own } problems, but the clinics available for dealing with I.L.L.S. are much } cheaper. } } There are two possible paths you can take for a second step, both } equally effective. } } 2a) Cold Turkey: take a sledgehammer to whatever terminal/device you're } using. Stay away from modems and networks. Whenever you get the urge } to look at read-news, have a stick of gum instead. Think about baseball } statistics. This method takes some time, but is easier as time goes on. } } The other option is: } } 2b) Negative Reinforcement: you'll need some help with this one. Have } a terminal with read-news perpetually available. Have someone strap you } into a chair in front of the terminal. Every time that your eyes stray } to the screen, have them thwack you on the head with a ball-peen hammer. } You will swiftly lose any desire to ever look at read-news, if you don't } lose consciousness first. } } Repeat this regimen for 90 days, and by } the end you may be exhausted, strung out, or hospitalized, but you will } look better and feel better about yourself. And read-news will be out } of your life. } } And remember: December 17 is the Great } American Read-Out. Help stamp out read-news addiction by sponsoring } someone you know, and helping them kick the habit. } } (Now if only it were that easy to stop perpetually writing to the } Oracle...) } } You owe the Oracle a fix of anything. --- 236-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hypothetically speaking, how may I topple the priesthood and omniscient > body of a group giving answers to questions and replace it with my > own Marxist-Leninist regime? I would appreciate an answer that involves > no personal risk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Too late, comrade! } } And to insure you never tell anyone about this, I'm sending you a } computer virus! } \ /\ / } / \ /\ \/\/\/ /\ / \ } \ \/ \/\/\/\/ \/ / } \ /\ /\/\/\/\ /\ / } /\/ \ /\/\/\/\/\ / \/\ } / \/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \ } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } /\ / \/\/ \/\/ \ /\ } / \/ \/ \/ \/ \ } / \ } / \ } } You owe the Oracle some punctuation -- I'm running low. --- 236-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, I feel that in the spirit of true capitalism you should > have competition. Therefore, I, Chi-Lai Ghe, representing the > Fortune Cookie Guild, challenge you to a question duel. Below I > enclose three sample questions and our Cookie answers. Top this! > > 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow? > Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth." > > 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress. > Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better." > > 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?" > What should I tell her? > Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own > self." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, you guys have some sort of nerve, challenging me in my own forum. } Well alright, it sort of sounds like fun, dueling with a whole guild. } } > 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow? } > Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth." } } Me: "30 kph with a good tailwind and clean feathers. Dirt slows it } down; hunger speeds it up, then kills it; coconuts don't } affect it because it can't peck through the shell, and } wouldn't want all those nasty tropical oils anyway; crosswinds } make it much faster because it just lands and takes Northwest } Airlines where it's already accumulated 18,000 frequent flier } miles." } Unlike certain people, the Oracle is quantitative. } } > 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress. } > Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better." } } Me: "Get a second mortgage on the country from a Savings and Loan, } then declare bankruptcy and default on the loan. Don't worry } about what the company or its depositors will do - their } accounts are FSLIC insured." } Unlike certain people, the Oracle never resorts to irrelevance } when it can be stupid instead. } } > 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?" } > What should I tell her? } > Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own } > self." } } Me: "Not anymore. Santa Claus lives in a pocket universe whose } contact with any child's world ends on their twelfth birthday, } or when the kid asks for too many toys her or his parents } can't afford, whichever comes first." } Although Kinder and Gentler than many, the Oracle talks } straight, and never miss-attributes garbled quotations. } } So, have you been sufficiently humiliated, demoralized, ground into dirt } and blown away? A wise man knows the value of few words. You will make } a small sum of money from an investment -- give it to the Oracle with a } nice bowl of hot and sour soup. --- 236-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with > dental agony, > > I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years. Is it worth it to go in, > or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental > floss once and for all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques: A Field Study by the Oracle, } MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides. } } One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental } checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date. } This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people } found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving } those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests. Those for whom the Breathalyzer } machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects. } } Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental } checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B } (twelve-gauge). The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects } did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the } experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were } administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of } the entire experiment. } } Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times } afterwards, as appropriate. } } Criteria Method A Method B } -------- -------- -------- } patient expressed yes, quite loudly patients' expressions } pain during were priceless during } treatment treatment } patient requested yes, quite loudly patient seemed too } painkillers surprised to react } during treatmen } patient was able yes, some left early patients were kept for } go home same day further supervision } patient expressed yes, there were no patient spoke out } negative feelings complaints against their } about treatment treatment } afterwards } patient mentioned no such comments all patients sat in } looking forward to chair, quietly } next treatment looking forward } mortality rate zero percent 102 percent (one } within a week experimenter was } accidentally shot) } lawsuits filed three forty-four } within a week } } As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in } almost all respects. Method B is less expensive, much simpler and } quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient. } Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a } "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that } is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS. } } You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing. --- 236-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, so great and wise, please answer my question; > > Why does the hot water run out just as I put conditioner on my hair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a straightforward application of Murphy's Law that requires no } further elaboration. } } What you should have asked me is what you can do about the problem. } The answer is to use new Pert Plus! Shampoo and conditioner in one } bottle! Just wash and go. Saves time! No hot water problems! And new } Pert Plus helps control even the toughest dandruff! Why waste time } with two separate bottles when now there's new Pert Plus! } } -------------------- } } BTW, for a very reasonable fee, the Oracle will promote your company's } products in its answers. An endorsement from the Oracle carries } enormous credibility! } } We deliver superb demographics! Our studies show that Oracle users are: } -- young (80% are 18-25), } -- well-educated (98% are in college or are college graduates), and } -- have profound personal problems (time since last lay: 2-4 weeks, } 24%; more than 4 weeks 61%). } } This is a market ripe for exploitation with products in: } -- personal care (56% don't wash enough), } -- sexual hygiene (while 23% are embarrassed to buy condoms, 46% buy } more than they need, whenever their unlaid friends are watching), } -- software (67% use computer games as a sexual substitute at least } once a week), } -- forestry volumetric equipment (32% express an interest in the } productivity of woodchucks). } } Don't let your competitors beat you to this remarkable marketing } opportunity! Call our sales department now to find out how simple and } effective Oracle-Advertising can be! --- 236-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The horse kicks back the afternoon by a long shot. In red, the > jealous lizzard plays the drawer out of the lawnmower. But read > the bus over the kitchen skin while the exaggeration turns like > a butterfly. Don't forget between the three books. After all, > cars fly pies in the morning and you may need to shave the day > by boiling my glasses in a vacuum cleaner. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The grey carpet mold under palm trees sweetly in the purple sky. Prime } juxtaposition for factions of unearthly mountainous creamers lies within } jello-roll coated television raster pickup spectrum info. Telephones, } telephones, telephones } TELEPHONES!!!! } Why are there so many telephones???? } Why are there SOOOOO many buttons on telephones???? } Buttons and buttons fopr eveything like lights and stoves and toasters } and cars and microwaves and CD players and igloos. A BUTTON FOR AN } IGLOO?? } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! } Whadaya? Press it and the igloo collapses into an icecube that you can } put into your gin and tonic. HAH, drinkable domiciles. Now is that an } idea or is that an idea? No room for choice there, ducky? No room or } no room, what? Your perception of reality is directly related to your } IQ by applying the fourier transformation to non-linear functions. } IS MTV GOD? } No, but they sure as hell wanna be. } "I LOVE MY MTV" sung to cathedral music. Indeed!!! } But it's true though, those motherfuckers want to influence the whole } world. Look at that, it's MTV this, MTV that, @#@#$%$^%%$^^%^&%%#$#@#. } UP YOURS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! } } } } } } } So you think YOU had a bad trip?? } } You owe the oracle three sheets and a pigs wing.