From kinzler Mon Dec 3 00:25:27 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 3 Dec 90 00:20:59 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #238 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 238 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #238 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 3 Dec 90 00:20:59 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 233 15 votes 22722 11643 23046 37302 24540 44142 42441 35322 44232 33450 233 2.9 mean 3.0 3.5 3.6 2.4 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.7 --- 238-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I change careers from theoretical computer scientist to cover > girl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Approaches To Changing Careers From Theoretical Computer } Scientist To Cover Girl ((C)1990 Oraclecom(TM)(R)) } } 10. Just fantasize. } 9. Pick out a tiny swimsuit from the Cindy Crawford Collection(TM), } squeeze yourself into it, and visit a modeling agency. If you act } normal, maybe they won't catch on. } 8. Lip-synch. } 7. Start with really minor changes, like from Theoretical Computer } Scientist to Gross Drooling Geek, and then move on to changes of a } purely physical nature (ie, Theoretical Computer Scientist to Small } Brained Andalusian Tree Frog), and then make the quantum leap to } improvements of a mental nature, such as Theoretical Computer } Scientist to High School Guidance Counselor. With a few years } practice, not only will you have a much more impressive resume than } when you started, you may actually believe you can make the real } change. } 6. Invade a small Middle Eastern country (well, it's a good way to } relieve tensions due to sexual frustrations - in fact, I was talking } to khomeini@allah just the other day, and he says that if he could } have gotten just ONE blowjob a week...) } 5. Change your major from Computer Science (theoretical or otherwise) } to something covergirl/football player-ish, like Administrative } Science or Interdisciplinary Arts. } 4. [graphic description of self-service plastic surgery and gender } change operation deleted during SMTP connection from oraclevax by } moralityd under authorization of Jesse.Helms@censorship.mil (Big as } a Pickle)] } [Note appended: Jesse.Helms } } This piece was appalling! I read through it and was } disgusted! Even after reading it the sixth time, it was } just as wonderful^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdisgusting as the first! I } took it home to my wife, and she was disgusted too! I took it to } church, and the congregation passed it around and read it } closely, and not one of them failed to be disgusted!] } } 3. Take a lot of drugs. Pretty soon, you'll find reality malleable } enough, and you can become whatever you wish. (Works for me.) } 2. When all else fails, hack root. } 1. Stop thinking 'Silicon Valley' in your future - think 'Silicone } Valley' instead. } } You owe the Oracle a roll in the hay, after the change of course. --- 238-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is the oracle depicted as male? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle knows that your asking this question from an anti-sexist } point of view. Therefore I will give you a totally objective, } unbiased and non-sexist answer. Just to make sure, I will open my } 800-HOT-LINE number so all of you can watch my language. } } There once was a man } RINGGGGG } The oracle. } [Yes this is the equal opportunity foundation. } Why do those stories always have to begin with Man!?] } Oops, sorry. } There once was a woman } RINGGGGG } The oracle. } [Yes the e.o.f. again. Starting with woman is even more } hypocrite!] } OK, have it your way. } There once was a person } Message from root@heaven.above } WHY ALWAYS A PERSON, HOW ABOUT US!!! } } Well then, there once was an object that wanted to go to the movies. } RINGGGGG } The oracle. } [The national Video Rental Organization here, don't you } realize that you are promoting the cinema over home-movies!] } Oh, pardon me. } There once was an object that wanted to go out to rent a movie. } RINGGGGG } Yes I bet this is the national Cinematic Inc? } [No this is the police, you really should not encourage } anyone to go out on the streets alone these days.] } Oh, I guess you're right. } There once were two objects that wanted to go out to rent a movie. } RINGGGGG } The oracle. } [National Cinematic Inc. We couldn't reach you earlier, the line } was buzzy but you realize that promoting video movies over the } big-screen movie is about as unfair as it gets don't you.] } All right! } There once were two objects that wanted to see a motion picture. } RINGGGGG } OK OK, eh, that wanted to see a picture. } RINGGGGG } eh, something! } RINGGGGG } Now what? } [Yes dear, mom here. Guess what I found in the attic yesterday? } Your old school pictures!] } Mom, your emberassing me! How often do I have to tell you not to } call me at work! } Hggggggg. } There once were two objects that wanted to see something. } . } . } Hey, Nothing, great where was I. } They, the objects, decided to go to the Zoo. } RINGGGGG } The oracle. } [Yes with the national animal rights association. How can you } justify a visit to a Zoo. Those animals are kept their against } their will!] } $#%$#@! } BANGGGGG } Sofar for the telephone! FYA, I'm the oracle, I don't give a damn about } all your petty opinions. The oracle is depicted as a man because he is a } male chauvinist pig. And I should know for I am the one and only, ever } so enlightened oracle and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. } } You owe the oracle a new telephone. --- 238-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ^%#? or it it just &*(@6 ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } it's f*@# you, %$$^!@#. --- 238-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear MR. ORACLE, > > Congratulations! You may already be the winner of $25 million dollars! > Imagine living an exciting fast paced lifestyle of leisure as if you > were rich and successful! Imagine escaping to far away lands in your > personal 120 foot yacht, flying to Paris in your personal jet, eating at > only the finest gourmet restaurants, entertaining celebrities and world > leaders, dating the freshest international super models! Yes, being the > mentally abbreviated working class sod that you are, you of course have > no chance of imagining (not to mention realizing) this level of capital > sucess on your own, but through the madness of national marketing, we > will upset the delicate balance of surival of the fittest and award the > sum of $25 million cold hard cash to a random mailbox owner! YOU MAY BE > THIS PERSON! > > Now you're probably asking, "Duh, how do I know if I've won?". Easy. > Just following the simple 97 step procedure below, involving the > purchase of 25 magazine subscriptions and licking 6 square yards of > gummed backing. We suggest you select "Easy Entrepreneur" and "Money > Man". In the unlikely event that you don't win the $25 million, you may > want to become aquainted with the interworkings of capitalism at work so > you won't have to depend on strangers offering free money in the future. > > Of course, there is no purchase necessary. To take this route, just > follow the simple 344 step procedure hidden in fine print somewhere > within this mailer and lick 6 square yards of gummed backing. Also, > please print the words "NO PURCHASE" in large letters on the front of > your envelope. This is for internal filing purposes only and will not > significantly effect your chances of winning. > > Sincerely, > > John Q. Public > Publishers Outlet And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear MR. PUBLIC, } } Thank you very much for your stimulating question of 27 November. } The Oracle is always pleased to hear from mortals, especially } those at PUBLISHERS OUTLET. The Oracle has read your letter } carefully, and has found your question, "DUH, HOW DO I KNOW } IF I'VE WON?" extremely interesting. She is pleased to } send you this personalized reply. } } RTFM } } Thank you again, MR. PUBLIC, for your interest in the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle an exciting free gift with her paid subscription. --- 238-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great, wise Oracle, > > Can you help me with this terrible problem? Every time I read the > Usenet news, i find myself reading all the `naughty' newsgroups, like > alt.desertshield and alt.sex.*? Is there any kind of group therapy to > help me with this? Is there no way to stop the news flood. > > Thank you for Your kindness and patience. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One obvious cure would be to get the net so upset with you that your } organization's newsfeed is cut. Alternatively, do something that will } cause someone to write to your sysadmin, who will then delete your } account from the computer. Techniques to accomplish this have been } listed many times; here is a sample: } } - Send flames to soc.motss, "I don't know why you all want to go } against God's will." } - Send flames to soc.culture.jewish, "Why does the media lend credence } to the holocost myth?" } - Cross-post from any innocent newsgroup to talk.bizarre. } - Post anything at all to alt.sex.bondage (depends on your sysadmin). } } This is known as the Cold Turkey method. You may prefer the Hot Turkey } method, where you say to yourself, "I can do anything I want to with } my own time, it's no concern of theirs." This rarely results in any } reduction of newsreading time at all. } } Most find the Warm Turkey method works out well: simply ask all } your friends to e-mail you the contents of the newsgroups you are } interested in. You will find after a while that you spend less and } less time in the news reader, although admittedly at the expense of } more time in the mail program. } } Or you could forget about the Turkeys entirely, and go find a live } human being to snuggle up to instead. Consult the Oracle's other } pronouncements for suggestions on this topic. } } You owe the Oracle the collected wit and wisdom of Clay Bond. --- 238-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle who sees all-- > > Now that the UN has given our latest cowboy-wanna-be-president the > excuse to ignore the people that are trying to say that the economic > sanctions just need another six months--what should all us > draft-eligible students (ha! that excuse doesn't count anymore!) do? > > Signed, > Worried And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Picnic at the beach and get experience keeping the sand out of your } food. } } Seriously, this reminds me of a lot of questions I got in the Dark Ages. } You know, all these charming maidens would write me and ask how they } could be saved from fire-breathing dragons who were gobbling up all the } young virgins. There is an obvious solution here!! Would you rather } lose be poked or be shishkabobbed? Rather be on men or on menu? Rather } be with child or with charcoal? } } So I ask you, is this not the time to find yourself a gay lover? Would } you rather hang around in bars or wars? Rather be bent or get sent? } Rather meet loose queens or Hussein's? } } Alternatively, renounce your citizenship for that of the USSR. Schools } don't care. } } THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN - NEXT!! --- 238-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rally round, Jeeves, old boy, I have been absolutely trumped! Miss > Roberts has caught the unseemly idea that we should be engaged, and > expressed as much to me over tea. Whenever forced to give the old > school shake with this gal I break out in rash and do the washeroo > that might put Lady Macbeth to shame. This lady is the regular missing > link between Darwin's chimps and chumps, I must say. > > And I had got as far as 'Er' and was wondering whatever could have > brought this attack on, surely as fierce as any of Ghenghis > Whats-his-name's fiasco, when in pops Bingo with a letter. From her > mother, I presumed, calling me some names which she had forgotten to > insert in previous communications. Or, of course, possibly expressing > once more her conviction that I was a guffin, which, I thought, having > had time to ponder over it, would be something in the nature of a > bohunkus or a hammerhead. > > I am sorry to report that this did not deter Miss Roberts' affections > in the least. Please send 'round some foul foof that will spring this > bear trap! I do beg your considerance. > > Yours in much upset, > > Bertram Wooster And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is sorry to report that you are a victim of a dreadful } disease indeed -- Creeping Britishism. Its early symptoms can be } as innocuous as pronouncing "schedule" wrong, or adding extra u's } to words such as "color," or "parlor." I say, the later stages can } get to be rather distressing, old boy, as the poor victim attempts } to take the "tube" or the "underground" over to the "chemist's," } don't you know, nearly making him miss tea. The final stage is } frightful; the patient must be confined to a regular hospital, I must } say, a sad and colourless place where they watch BBC1 on the telly } while popping 'round for a spot of tea and crumpets and reminiscing } about World War I. 'Tis a bally shame, but rally round, old cook, this } disease can be overcome, I must say, with a proper amount of } determination, riding on the lift and pushing the pram on the telly } biscuit fish 'n chips guffin bush-baby gaol don't you know jolly good } old boy. Tally ho! } } You owe the Oracle a bag of crisps. --- 238-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a latent applience fetish... > > I am dating 3 appliences at the moment and I would like to > know which one I should go steady with. > > The appliences are :- > > 1) A lawn mower > 2) A blender > 3) An IBM computer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well it really is dependent on whether you are going for sex or for a } more stable relationship. If you're just looking for sex try the } IBM,they really are great with spread sheets and if you're the } domineering type they have lots of buttons you can push and they're } always willing to take your disk whether it is floppy or hard. } If you want a more stable,lawn-term relationship. I would suggest the } mower. Of course they drink constantly and often smoke, so if these } habits annoy you maybe you should stick with the blender. } The blender is puree at heart, They're fun to play games with since } they're always willing to dice, and like the IBM they too have buttons } you can press. } } You owe the oracle a subscription to alt.sex.appliances and an } autographed picture of Linda Lovelace,a piece of swiss cheese,a } doberman,and a blender. --- 238-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose very processors are too incredible for even my Mac IIcx > to pretend to imagine dreaming about... Whose humor is so great that > You are the envy of Bill Waterson and Gary Larson... > > I read a few days ago in the Oracularities some suggestions on "How to > get into the Oracularities." At the time, I, like many other innocent > and healthy people thought the answer to be witty, intelligent, and > genuinely Oracular! However, I am disturbed to find that the Oracle > wasn't merely teasing its constituent, but divining the absolute truth!! > > I.e. In today's Oracularities, #235: > Lisa was mentioned twice > Aliens once and in the answer the "login" trick was used > sex/women three times > asking about the Oracularities was used once > > This adds up to 7 out of 10 of the Oracularities. Now, I actually have > a few questions if you have the time, oh super-magnificent one, who > needs not any help in separating or viewing quarks and their gluon > interactions... > > What about the other three? Are these just anamolies? Or are these > actually quality answers that don't need to follow some prescription to > "get in." > > Is this a trend? Will I be seeing more obscure references to this chick > with a bod, and apparently little brain? > > Will more of that "login" stuff get in? And if so can I get ahold of > translations? You must forgive the fact that I am a mere computing > novice with my ultra-user friendly network and mail system, and that.. > and yes I admit it... I am not in fact a Computer Science major. In > case your records are not up to date I'm a Russian Area Studies major > doubled with either Economics or Physics. > > And while I'm at it, why am I not getting any sex? Why is the woman I > love worried about, "not giving as much as [she] would get"? (therefore > avoiding any form of higher relationship (including physical) > > Is that brief lapse just a cheap attempt by myself to get into the > Oracularities? Is this whole message, by mentioning many of the > prescribed "How to's" in this question a skewed attempt to accomplish > the same? Do I really need a psychiatrist? Is this too many questions? > Oracle.. I am blinded by your light and your knowledge, I entreat the > to assist me in my search for Truth and Knowledge (and the obtainment of > Beauty) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, the incarnation who wrote the "how to get into the } Oracularities" piece was right: there are a few simple tricks that will } gull the Priesthood into putting something pretty dull and pretty } hackneyed into the Oracularities. This incarnation cannot understand } the bad taste and easy manipulability of those who choose what gets put } in. } } Another problem is that most questions and answers are quite amazingly } dull. Just about the only ones left end up falling into one of a few } categories. Fashions vary: Lisa is a perennial favorite, because the } readership and writership are horny nerds; anything involving sex is a } good bet, and anything involving sex mixed with a bit of weirdness } (someone changing into a beautiful, copulatable young woman, for } example) also has a chance if it doesn't disgust people too much. } } This incarnation cannot understand the appeal of the "login" stuff. } It's not funny any more...perhaps we on the net are such dweebs that } anything purporting to be a transcription of a login session (note how } the OS is always a parody of SunOS) is automatically thought wonderful. } } Anyhow, we have both been too dull and long-winded for this to make it } into a collection. Try being bright and witty and terse. Obvious ploys } to get in, like this one, are going to go out of fashion soon. Only } Lisa and sex endureth forever. --- 238-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O semipotent, sometimes funny, usually boring and tedious Oracle, > > I have a question that is probably beyond your vastly limited > talents, but you may be able to find someone or something that will > temporarily give you the ability to have the necessary insight. > > The Oracle always responds to my questions without being funny. > It seems reasonable to expect that the supposedly all-knowing, > omniscient Oracle could occasionally come up with a humorous reply to my > profound questions, since this is what I want from the Oracle, but this > has yet to happen. > > Why can't the Oracle answer my questions in the way that I want > them to be answered? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No! You're not doing it! You're not actually telling me that I'm not } funny! Great, now I've had it. Oh no, they've broken through the } door! They're handcuffing me! They said one more complaint and I'd } be arrested, and here they are, making good on it... (whimper) } } - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - } } (Scene: A courtroom. Another trial is going on right now. The } defendant is accused of breaking into a department store late at night } and stealing money out of the cash registers.) } } Judge: Call your first witness. } } Counsel: I call the defendant, Joe Sweet. } } (Joe takes the witness stand. Counsel stands up.) } } Counsel: What were you doing the night of May 12? } } Joe: (Dreamy, innocent look on his bright happy face) } I was home alone with my cats for some quality time. } } Counsel: Is this your normal nightly routine? } } Joe: (Dreamy look) Oh, yes... } } Counsel: No further questions. (Sits down) } } Judge: Cross examination. } } Prosecutor: (Standing up) You've told us what you were doing } the night of May 12. } } Joe: (Smiling) That's right, yes. } } Prosecutor: But the court records indicate the robbery occured } on May 15! } } Joe: (Gleaming eyes) Yes, they do say that. } } Prosecutor: THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING US ABOUT MAY 12?! } } Joe: (Shifting uncomfortably) Well, no point at all, } really. } } Prosecutor: I put it to you that you robbed the department store } that night! } } Joe: (Defiantly) Oh yeah? Have any witnesses? } } Prosecutor: Yes, I do! (To Judge) No further questions... I'd } like to bring out my witness! } } (Joe leaves the stand and sits down. Bailiff carries in a mannequin } and sits it in the witness stand.) } } Judge: What, the mannequin is your witness? } } Prosecutor: That's correct. Now, if I may proceed... } } Counsel: Objection! This is completely silly! } } Prosecutor: All will be revealed soon, your Honor. May I proceed? } } Judge: Go ahead, prosecutor, but you're treading on thin ice } with this one. } } Prosecutor: Thank you. (Clears throat, addresses the witness) Mr. } Mannequin, did you observe the defendant breaking } into the department store where you are employed on } the night of May 15? } } (Mannequin is completely silent and motionless.) } } Counsel: Your Honor, this is ridiculous! I move for a mistrial! } } Judge: What do you have to say for yourself, prosecutor? } } Prosecutor: My witness is nervous! Having to see the defendant } in court has emotionally distressed Mr. Mannequin! } I move for a two week recess for his recuperation. } } Judge: Granted. We continue this case in two weeks. (Bangs } gavel) } } Joe: (Standing up) Wait a minute! All this inquiry and } probing has undermined my emotional stability too! } What about me? } } Judge: Well, what do you want? } } Joe: (Dreamy look in his eye) I could sure use a good } woman... } } Judge: Right. See the clerk for your court-appointed } girlfriend. (Bangs gavel) Next case. } } (The prosecutor picks up the mannequin, and then he, the counsel, } the judge, and Joe leave the courtroom. The Usenet Oracle stand } up and walks slowly to the defendant's table, accompanied by his } lawyer. The Internet Attorney, who is prosecuting the case, takes } his table. The jury slowly files in.) } } Oracle: (Looking at the jury) Oh no! Not them! } } (He gapes at the jury, recognizing them as the ones who select } the answers to be posted: oz, jhm, elr, jim, squid, jonmon, } joshua, felton, rhalonen, mzintl, kinzler, and porter. Shivers } run up and down his spine.) } } Clerk: Mr. Oracle, you stand accused of not fulfilling your } Oracular duties, under section 1 of your job contract. } How do you plead? } } Oracle: Not guilty! } } (The courtroom breaks out in an uproar. Finally, the judge brings } order.) } } Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! There'll } be plenty of time for all that later, so just sit } tight! (Turns to prosecutor) Call your first } witness. } } Prosecutor: Thank you. I call the Supreme Being to the stand. } } (God, in the form of an old man wearing a flowing white robe, } takes the witness stand.) } } Prosecutor: Do you know the defendant, your Beingness? } } God: Yes, I do. He's a constant source of annoyance to me. } } Prosecutor: How so? } } God: Every time I turn around, my e-mail box is filled } with his stupid questions! I don't even have time } to keep stars from colliding with each other! } } Prosecutor: Didn't you give Mr. Oracle his own omniscience? } } God: Yes, I did, but the coward doesn't even trust his } own opinion! } } Prosecutor: Since you provide some of his answers, doesn't that } make you partially responsible for their humor? } } God: I should say not! It's not my job to be funny! } It's the Oracle's job! I give him the correct } answers, I don't have to make them funny! } } Prosecutor: Thank you. No further questions, your Honor. } } Judge: Cross examination. } } (Counsel stands up and walks to the witness stand.) } } Counsel: Your Beingness, when the defendant asked your for } answers to his questions, did you answer all of them? } } God: Well, yes. } } Counsel: And did you ever refuse to answer one because you } didn't want to? } } God: Well, no, but... } } Counsel: Isn't it also true that you aren't truly omnipotent? } } God: Now wait a minute here... } } Counsel: In fact, your Beingness, isn't it true that because } of your own incompetence, nothing can go faster than } the speed of light? } } God: Now look here, you bastard... } } Counsel: In fact, isn't it true that because of your own } incompetence in communicating, you allowed scum } like Charlie Manson and Jim Jones to trick people } into believing they were Jesus Christ? } } God: Hey, I'm not the one on trial here! } } Counsel: Isn't it true, your Beingness, that you are little } more than a slightly superior version of a common } human's immortal soul?! } } Prosecutor: Objection! The witness is not on trial! } } Judge: Sustained. } } Counsel: No further questions. } } (God leaves the witness stand, rather peeved.) } } Judge: Call your next witness, prosecutor. } } Prosecutor: I'd like to call the Oracle to the stand. } } (Oracle stands up and takes the witness stand.) } } Prosecutor: (Putting a chart in front of the witness) Mr. Oracle, } I have here a statistical breakdown of the voting } results for your musings in the Oracularities. } } Rating # Occurences Compiled Nov 30 12:18pm } ------ ------------ } 1.4 X 2 } 1.5 X 2 } 1.6 X 2 } 1.7 XX 4 } 1.8 XXX 5 } 1.9 XXXXXX 11 } 2.0 XXXXXX 11 } 2.1 XXXXXXXXXXXX 24 } 2.2 XXXXXXXXX 18 } 2.3 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 34 } 2.4 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 65 } 2.5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 54 } 2.6 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 82 } 2.7 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 88 } 2.8 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 93 } 2.9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 114 } 3.0 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 99 } 3.1 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 96 } 3.2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 89 } 3.3 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 86 } 3.4 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 92 } 3.5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 72 } 3.6 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 53 } 3.7 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 43 } 3.8 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 39 } 3.9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 32 } 4.0 XXXXXXXXX 18 } 4.1 XXXXXX 11 } 4.2 XXX 5 } 4.3 XXXX 8 } 4.4 XX 3 } 4.5 X 2 } 4.6 X 1 } 4.7 X 1 } 4.9 X 1 } } Prosecutor: Your average is around 2.9! Not only are these } the best of all your musings, but your average is } below 3.0, which is DESIGNATED as average! } What do you have to say for yourself? } } Oracle: Hey, look, I did get a 4.9 rating once! } } Prosecutor: Yeah, I looked into that. Turns out that was an } answer from your janitor. } } Oracle: Well, then these ratings are all my janitor's fault! } If it wasn't for his answers in there, I would be } doing much better! Anyways, right after I found } that, I fixed the problem! } } Prosecutor: That response from your janitor was in Oracularities } #102, and the voting started on issue #100. Your } janitor could not have messed up the results from } #103 onward. } } Oracle: Oh. } } Prosecutor: In light of that, what do you have to say for } yourself? } } Oracle: (Standing up, dazed) I don't get it. I just don't } get it. (Begins walking around.) I spend all my } time working. I pour my heart out to create the } funniest responses for my readers. (Prosecutor } and Judge watch Oracle walk around.) I know I've } written funnier responses than what that graph } shows... what could be the problem? I mean, my } overseers pick my best and post them in... } } (Oracle looks up, gasps, and runs to the jury box.) } } Oracle: It's them! It's their fault! These are the guys } that make the Oracularities postings! They're the } ones that pick the responses! It's not my fault! } It's their fault! } } Prosecutor: Objection! The jury is not on trial here! } } Judge: Sustained. } } Counsel: Objection! My client has a very valid point! } } Judge: Sustained. } } Prosecutor: No further questions. (Sits down.) } } (The Oracle returns to his table, smiling. The jury looks nervous.) } } Judge: Call your next witness, prosecutor. } } Prosecutor: The prosecution rests. } } Judge: Call your first witness, counsel. } } Counsel: I call the jury. } } (The jury looks confused for a moment, then slowly stand up and } cram themselves in the witness box, Kinzler at the front. Counsel } walks to the witness box.) } } Counsel: Mr. Kinzler, do you know the defendent? } } Kinzler: Yes, I do. He's an executable file in my } home directory. } } Counsel: What are you saying? } } Kinzler: The Oracle is not an omniscient being! He's just } a server program on a mainframe! The questions } are answered by people on the Internet! } } Counsel: (To Judge) Objection! Hearsay! } } Judge: Sustained. } } Kinzler: Of course it's hearsay! I'm here saying it! } What do you expect me to do? } } Counsel: (Ignoring him) Aren't you the ones that choose } the responses for posting? } } Kinzler: Well, yes. } } Counsel: Then aren't you responsible for their humor content? } } Kinzler: I guess so. } } Counsel: Then why are the voting results so meager? } } Kinzler: How are we supposed to get a new Oracularities out } every day without throwing in some stinkers? } } Counsel: Why every day? } } (Kinzler thinks for a minute, gapes at the rest of the jury, and } looks back at Counsel) } } Kinzler: Good point! I won't be so quick to post Oracularities! } Sheesh, why didn't I think of that before? (To Oracle) } Sorry, old buddy. We've been making it look bad so } we could meet a deadline, and we didn't even have a } deadline! } } Oracle: I'll forgive you if you take back that crack about } me just being a server program. } } Kinzler: Of course I take that back. I'm sorry. } } Judge: Do you wish to drop the charges, prosecutor? } } Prosecutor: Yes, we do. } } Judge: Good. This court finds the defendant not guilty. } This court is adjourned. (Bangs gavel) } } - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - } } All right! The truth finally came out. Now I can sleep easier at } nights. } } Oh, don't be worried about that crack about being a server program. } That's just an apparency. I possess the minds of many a hacker } over the Internet and write the responses through them. Of course } they think THEY'RE writing them. I was going to have an account } on iuvax.cs but I couldn't possess a computer, so we did it this } way. No harm done, right? } } You owe the Oracle lawyer's fees for getting me into this mess. } You also owe sboswell@ucsd.edu some aspirin for his headache. Being } possessed is not pleasant.