From kinzler Wed Feb 6 11:52:21 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 6 Feb 91 11:52:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #262 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 262 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #262 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 6 Feb 91 11:52:21 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 257 13 votes 45220 25600 30460 13531 02443 54310 31450 24430 45220 24430 257 2.6 mean 2.2 2.3 3.0 3.0 3.6 2.0 2.8 2.6 2.2 2.6 --- 262-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Good Afternoon,Oracle. I've got a wee bit o' a problem an' I was hoping > that ye could help me out. > > I'm chief engineer aboard a starship and ,may I add, 'tis the finest one > in the fleet. My problem is my captain. He goes off on these power > trips, he does. Expects me to bloody rebuild the entire Engine Room > from the ground up in five minutes. An' he doesna even care that I've > got a date with a yeoman half my age, the heartless bastard. Nothin' I > do is ever good enough for him and he always keeps wantin' more. > > ``Beam me up,Scotty. Beam me down,Scotty. Scotty,I need Warp > Thirty-two in three seconds. I don't care about the Laws of > Physics,Scotty,just fix the damn transporter!!!'' > > I canna take it anymore. If he pushes me too far... > What should I do??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Star Trek outtakes?? For My sake, what next!? Sigh. Oh, all right... } } > simulate troy } } I can sense that you are upset by your Captain's failure to truly } appreciate your talents and needs. Perhaps it would help if you } talked about it? } } No, no, that's clearly useless... how about this one...? } } > simulate mccoy } } Dammit, Scotty, I'm a doctor not a labor mediator!! } } Hm. Not very helpful either... } } > simulate spock } } You are allowing your emotions to control you, Mr. Scott. Consider the } situation logically: If the Captain were unable to command instant and } unrealistic accomplishments from all members of the crew, then it would } be necessary to write interesting plot lines, coherent dialogue, and } believable character development. As that is clearly impossible, the } only alternative is for each member of the crew to produce last-minute } cliff-hanger solutions to monumental problems. It is simply a matter of } logic. } } You owe the Oracle a fifth of Denebian brandy. --- 262-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wierd, > > I need your sagacity most desperately. A week ago I went in for > routine brain surgery (oil and filter change to the cerebral cortex). > Much to my horror, the "doctor" dropped a granola flake where it > didn't belong, and I became... > > P O L I T I C A L L Y C O R R E C T ! ! ! > > I can't smoke anymore because when I try, I squirt myself in the face > with a water pistol. I gave away a pair of Stones tickets that cost me > three hundred bucks because Mick Jagger uses sexist language. My kids > are going barefoot in February because all their leather shoes are > morally unacceptable. I recycle my mail before I can read it. I feel > sorry for Saddam Hussein, and whenever someone says the word "he", I > yell "OR SHE!!!" I traded my Caddy in for a twelve-speed, and keeping > up in freeway traffic is hell! What can I do?????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You think I'm wierd? Boy, you've turned into a real fruitcake! I'm } afraid there isn't much that can be done that isn't very very risky or } expensive. My best advice to you is to move to California and try to } adapt. If you' already live in California, then your behavior is to be } expected and shouldn't cause you any embarassment... in fact, you'll } fit right in. } } However, having said all that, if you REALLY want to try and reverse the } ill effects of becoming PC (Politically correct) and want to become MAC } (More Apathetically Correct), try the following things: } } (Note: Kids, don't try this at home) } } 1) Listen to Rush Limbaugh on talk radio every day for a month. } Everytime he says something that you think is wrong (which, in your } condition, should be almost continuously), jab yourself in the } genital area with a cattle prod. } } 2) Go to an adult bookstore (not in your hometown, however), and buy } out all their copies of Hustler, Penthouse, Oui, Cream, and Cherri. } Paster all the pictures over your bedroom walls and ceiling. Say to } yourself over and over that the models like this type of lifestyle } and nobody is hurt by pornography. } } 3) Dye your entire wardrobe cammoflauge and join the NRA. Buy a large } rifle and shoot anything in your neighborhood with four legs (or two } legs that are on skateboards). } } 4) Buy only products with wasteful packing practices and (grit your } teeth on this one) throw all your aluminum cans in the trash. Same } thing with plastics and newspapers. Also, make sure to overwater } your lawn and leave the faucet running when you brush your teeth. } } 5) Buy a car that gets at least 30 GPM (gallons per mile) and run over } your 12 speed with it. Make sure to bypass any sort of emission } control systems that come with it. } } 6) Go to your local version of the "Hungry Heifer" and order a big fat } juicy Ribeye steak, with a large baked potato (sour cream and } butter). } } 7) Go picketing against your local chapter of the Sierra Club, shouting } slogans like "Just Say No to Recycling" and "Hunting Is Fun". } } } If you live thru all these events, after a few months you'll find } yourself a social outcast but you will have regained your normal } thinking patterns. If that is what you really want, go for it... } personally, I like you much better the way you are right now. } } You owe the Oracle the Stones tickets you gave away... --- 262-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to have sex with every female on earth. How may I accomplish > this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *EVERY* female? Including rhinoceri, hornets, and Rosanne Barr? Well, } it's your choice, and don't say I didn't warn you. Let's check out the } Animal Sutra. } } XVIII. "She places her paws on your shoulders, } biting your neck and ticking your thighs } with her tail, } as she tears your throat out. } } This is called the Timber Wolf." } } } CXXIV: "You hold four of her legs in your hands, } caressing her chitinous thorax, } as she injects her poison and spins you in a web } to feed her young. } } This is called the Black Widow Spider." } } } DCLXIX: "Biting and slapping her fins, } you swim into her quim } fondling her mound as she dives a thousand meters } and moans like the Edgar Winter Group. } } This we call the Sperm Whale." } } } MMDXXXII: "She tenderly sticks her gum under the table } and checks you for obvious sores } as she starts a 20-minute timer and lifts your wallet, } and gives you something you'll never get rid of. } } We know this as the 42nd Street Hooker." } } You owe the Oracle an FTP site for "Cindy's Torment" and a box of } Milk-Bones. --- 262-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: DOE, JANE [name changed -SK] > > WHAT STARTS OUT WALKING ON FOUR LEGS, THEN GRADUATES TO TWO LEGS, AND > FINALLY ENDS UP ON THREE LEGS?? > > DOE, JANE > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, man. My last Robotics/AI project is loose *again*. You'd think } that if you leave something in the bottom of the Mariana Trench, it'd } stay there. } } Ok, so here's what you need to do. First of all, stay clear of the } laser cannon. It probably got its batteries recharged first thing. } Next, if it's in the three-leg mode, stay FAR AWAY from it. But then, } you must already know that, given the way you shouted your question. } } When it's in the four- or two-leg mode, carefully approach it (watch out } for that laser!) and simply say "ctt'changk-PROALSK" (be sure to } pronounce it carefully!), and the thing should go into hybernation mode. } I suppose it would be only fair to mention that if you say } "cttch-angk'proALSK", that puts it in fight-to-the-death mode. 'nuff } said. } } Good luck, Doe, Jane Student. I'll be around in a month or so } to collect my machine. Try not to scratch it. } } You owe the Oracle a safe place to conduct his robotics research. --- 262-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: egrlab!alan@uncecs.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I purchase fresh akee, calaloo and mangees here in Iowa? > > [forwarded by His Reticence, The Blue Moon Cafe Underoracle] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is that you live in Iowa. It's just a matter of supply and } demand. These items are not available because there is no demand by the } local skillet-heads -er- agrarian populace. Here's an example of a } typical exchange: } } Shopper> Excuse me sir, do you have akee? } Grocer> A key? sure! I got lots of 'em here in my pocket (jingle } jingle). } Shopper> No, I mean AKEE! } Grocer> Oh I get it. How about G-flat? (hummmmmmm)? } Shopper> No, *A* *K* *E* *E* ! } Grocer> Well, I know the sporting goods store has AK-47's, but I'm not } so sure about AK-EE's. } Shopper> Skip it. I also need to know where to find calaloo. } Grocer> That's easy. Just get on Route 80 east, swing around Lake } Michigan, and exit where it says "Kalamazoo". } Shopper> No, I need a *pint* of *calaloo*! } Grocer> Aisle 4, pharmacy. Yup. We got lots of calomine. You got poison } ivy or somethin? 'zat why you're scratching yer head? } Shopper> Forget it! Do you have any mangees in here? } Grocer> These stock boys are good, honest workers, and they DON'T } deserve to be called MONKEYS!!! } Shopper> No, that's MAN-gees! What's the matter? you deaf or something? } Grocer> Look, Biff. Why don't you go over to the poultry department and } check them out for yourself! Most people aren't so particular } about the sex of their geese! You some kind of prevert Commie } sympathizer or something? Or worse... a yuppie? Why don't you } get your Jordache-covered ass out of my store, hop in your } faggot Beemer, and drive the hell back to Dubuque where ya } belong! } } The Oracle requests that you get on the mailing list of a specialty } foods store and get to know your local Federal Express carrier. } } You owe the Oracle a free dinner for two (me and Lisa) at the grand } opening of the Blue Moon Cafe. --- 262-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the Marines have engaged Iraqi forces, when will they have the > wedding? And am I invited? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wedding, an affair to equal the Moonie mass weddings of the early } 80's, will take place on the day after Ramadan. Saddam Hussein will be } giving away the Iraqi soldiers; the ceremony, conducted in Arabic, } English, and Hebrew, will be conducted by the chief rabbi of Israel, } Oral Roberts, and an Ayatollah to be named later. The Kuwaiti royal } family is providing food and entertainment. The scuttlebutt is that } they've managed to book the hottest band in the Gulf: SCUD and the } Patriots! All things point to this being THE social event of the } season. After the wedding, the Corps and its blushing brides will } honeymoon in scenic Basra. } } The Marines: Looking for a few good men. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of wedding cake. --- 262-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do all my questions go the the guy sitting next to me!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well there is Ra the Sun God, most of the guys from } Vallhalla, and of course the ever-lovely Lisa. } } Oracle,"Hey did anyone send this?" } } Ra,"Naahhhh. Why should we bother. We can always ask you stuff later } at the party." } } Oracle,"Did you send this dear." } } Lisa (sigh),"Nope. What should I wear tonight? Do you like the blue } two-piece or the french cut black string bikini?" } } Oracle,"Ummm I dunno try them on." } } Lisa,"OK" } } } Well my pitifully poor mortal friend. QUIT WASTING MY TIME!!!! I have } more important things to do! } --- 262-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people leave power points switched on when there isn't anything > plugged into them???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Today's Oracle responses are being provided by a special guest Oracle, } Herr Doktor Sigmund von Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper, a famed psychologist } whose specialty is human interaction with appliances. As a service to } the supplicant, Dr. Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper's rather heavy Viennese } accent and Germanic sentence structure in his typing will be translated } by complex Oracle software running here at Gedankenposte.Oracle.Kom...] } } Ach, yes, deep urges in all primordial phantasies decry the need for } careful examination of geflickering orange lights on power strips } plugged into the mains. Human nature's aversion to uncertain states of } electrical apparatus results in compulsive reluctance to de-activate } computers, blenders, radios, Kompactdiscplayercombinedwithshortwave- } radioandcurlingiron, dot dot dot. Even measly power points, whose only } function is to multiply and extend (note typical phallic shape of } powerstrips combined with umbilical cord itself with tiny phallic } prongs) to wall outlet) can cause neuroses in otherwise well-balanced } prototypical paradigmical people, causing same to always leave power } strip switched on for reassurance. } } You owe Dr. Braunschnozzen-Kowshtupper a date with your microwave oven. --- 262-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would it be a bad thing to break into the isotope storage chamber? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it would be a wonderful experience, leading to a glowing future for } you. --- 262-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a lambada calculus as well as a lambda calculus? If so, what's > it used for? For that matter, is there a tango algebra? What does > square dancing have to do with all this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tango algebra is used for computing the trajectories of extremely } curvy bodies with large but well-distributed volume. Lambada } calculus, by contrast, is used when inserting a spike function } into a bifurcated surface. Square dancing has nothing to do with } either, and is done mostly by Minnie Pearl on Hee Haw or at } Opryland. } } You neglected to ask about Tartaglia's Tarantella, Peano's Pavanne, } Boole's Boogaloo, Frobenius's Frug, Hilbert's Hokey Pokey, the } Mobius Twist, the Godel Jitterbug, Zeno's Converging Virginia Reel, } Cantor's Nonconverging Virginia Reel, or Brouwer's Fixed-Point Pogo } Stick Dance. So I shan't mention them. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the textbook where you saw all that.