From kinzler Thu Mar 7 21:14:24 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 7 Mar 91 21:14:24 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #274 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 274 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #274 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 7 Mar 91 21:14:24 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 269 13 votes 21550 26230 23620 15313 11254 21541 16420 32530 02425 12541 269 3.0 mean 3.0 2.5 2.6 3.0 3.8 3.1 2.5 2.6 3.8 3.2 --- 274-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that, in a library, subject is shortened to sub, author to > aut, but title is left as just title? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The truth is, you've just discovered a loophole by which our nation's } libraries havee managed to finagle themselves a power which has been } denied to all other divisions of government. I refer, of course, to } the granting of titles. You may remember from your US Govt/Civics } classes back in high school that when the American Constitution was } written, this provision was put in saying that the government didn't } have the right to grant positions of royalty or titles like 'baron' or } 'duke' to anyone. This was because everyone was sick of all the } doings of the aristocracy in England, whose yoke the Americans had so } recently escaped. Thus, if someone did something nice for the } government, they might be rewarded with a cushy job, or some money, or } a ribbon, but nothing that would put them 'above' their fellow citizens. } } A short time later, Ben Franklin was trying to put together the first } national library. Since distributing a published work wasn't so easy } then as it is now, it was unreasonable to demand that a copy of every } book published in the newly emerging nation be delivered to the library } - transportation costs would have been prohibitive. } } So Ben knew that if his library was to be a success, he'd have to } offer an incentive. Looking at the budget he was allotted, he knew } that it would have to be a cheap incentive. Now Ben, George, Tom, and } all those 'founding fathers' types were members of one of those } Masonic orders. You know, kind of like the Water Buffaloes back on } the Flintstones? Anyhow, you can get people in these organizations } to do just about anything by telling them things like "But you can't } be the Chief Poobah of the Sacred Chimneystone unless you strip naked } and walk across these hot coals with your eyes closed." Ben figured } that he could get authors and publishers to do just about anything } if he could grant them some sort of title. He was given tacit } permission by his lodge brothers and fellow oligarchs. } } The plan was that a standard card catalog would be used, but that the } word 'subject' would be shortened to 'sub' and 'author' to 'aut'. } Thus, 'title' not being shortened would stand out that much more. } Thomas Jefferson liked this part of the plan. "You had to give the } authors titles - most of them already have tits." It was hard to } figure out exactly what he meant by this, but Jefferson was obviously } very amused. } } The most powerful authors were granted cards in the catalog with the } word 'subject' left whole - this was a sign that they had subjects - } serfs, that is. Citizens who were enslaved and pressed into service } by the Library Internal Security Police. } } My advice to you is not to tell anyone about this. The Library has } agents everywhere, and would love to be able to use you as a subject } they've promised to Carrie Fisher... } } You owe the oracle an unexpired library card. --- 274-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most witty and wise, please help me with a family problem. > > My cousin is a *major* New Kids on the Block fan. The funny part is > that she actually has a brain. Is there any way I can get her to > see how insipid they are and ditch them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle finds it very VERY hard to believe that ANYBODY with any grey } matter in their skulls would have anything to do with NKotB. However, I } will assume that what you say is somehow possible... } } I can think of three possible remedies for her problem. First off, a } lobotomy might help her quite a bit... put 110 volts AC thru those } parts of her brain that actually will allow such hideous behavior to } occur, and she'll be a much different person (you'll have to put up with } the incessant drooling and such, but that's the price of recovery). } } Second, shock therepy might be a potential solution. Everytime she } hears a NKotB song, looks at a NKotB poster, or thinks lustful thoughts } about any member of NKotB, jolt 110 volts AC across sensitive parts of } her anatomy. Either she will totally swear off NKotB, or she'll find } she enjoys the shock therepy too much (in which case, I DEFINITELY have } to meet this girl). } } These two solutions might be a bit drastic for you, but they are the } only ones that are guaranteed to give quick results. The third solution } is simply let her grow out of it... NKotB is just a fad, like Menudo } and the Bay City Rollers, and this too shall pass. I hope. } } You owe the Oracle the heads of the NKotB on a silver platter. --- 274-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ray Moody The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There was no tab "A" for slot "A", nor a slot "B" for tab "B". So > I put tab "B" into slot "A" and the whole thing blew up. > > Now what do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider yourself lucky -- at least you didn't catch AIDS. } Watch where you stick your tab "B". } } You owe the Oracle a cute slot with large breasts. --- 274-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to dispose of used girlfriends? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The new Dispose-A-Lover for only $19.95 will get rid of any old SO of } either sex. Yes for only $19.95, you can: } } 1) Change your address discreetly } 2) Have a certified technician make certain that all evidence of } him/her has been removed from your home. } 3) Send a letter announcing your break up to your SO. } } And MUCH MORE! } } Just call 1-800-BE-ALONE. Operators are standing by 24hrs a day. } Visa/MasterCard accepted. No C.O.D.'s, please. } } Call now! } } You owe the Oracle cable TV. --- 274-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty oracle, who has reached that state of brilliance which is > indistinguishable from total stupidity: > > As a fat computer geek, I am constantly told by all of the amazingly > brilliant Greeks at my school to "Get a life." I'm sure that all of > those wonderful people who have their lives so completely together must > be right in their recommendation. However, I am admittedly out of touch > so I am not entirely certain how to go about this. > > My main questions are: > 1) Are there any special prerequisites (license, class, residency, etc.) > for owning and operating a life? > 2) Are lives available "over the conter," or do I have to go ask one of > these wonderful fraternity/sorrority people for a prescription? > 3) As I spend all of my money on computer equipment, are there any > special government programs providing funding for those who need to > get a life? > and finally, > 4) Where is the best place to get a life, and are there any particular > brand names that you would recommend? > > Thank you, O wise and wooly one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratuations! on becoming the owner of an EDEN PRODUCTS } limited-edition Life(tm). We are certain that you will enjoy your new } Life(tm) for many years to come, and we hope that when the time comes to } replace your Life(tm), you will come again to your local EDEN PRODUCTS } dealer. } } WARNINGS: 1) Do not operate your Life(tm) while under the influence of } alcohol. 2) The Surgeon General has determined that Life(tm) could be } hazardous to your health. 3) Do not store above 150 degrees Fahrenheit, } or below -40 degrees Fahrenheit. 4) Do not store under pressure. 5) Do } not refridgerate. } } DISCLAIMER: EDEN PRODUCTS, as wholly owned subsidiary of GODCO, takes } no responsibility for any damage caused by improper use of this } Life(tm). } } WARRANTY INFORMATION: Your Life(tm) comes with a limited warranty, good } for three score and ten years after the date of purchase. This warranty } does not cover damage or breakdown during normal usage, nor does it } cover manufacturer error. The manufacturer will replace this Life(tm) } free of charge if it fails in any other way. Simply pack your Life(tm) } in a 6ft by 3ft box, and ship (postage prepaid) to EDEN PRODUCTS, 823 } 7th St., Heaven. Allow 6 to 8 eons for delivery. This warranty is } voided if the Life(tm) is not installed by a qualified technician, or if } any repairs or modifications are made by any agent other than EDEN } PRODUCTS or its licensed representatives. } } Have a good Life(tm)! } } } You owe the Oracle $29.95, plus shipping and handling. --- 274-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think that God hates me. Could you ask him if he does? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wellll, I don't know, I mean, God's a busy guy and all that. You know, } he's gotta save the world without making it look like a miracle and all } that, but, OK> } } I'll have to go through HolyNET though, hope you understand. } } > telnet dec.oracle.com } } Login: oracle } Password: -------- } } Dum de dum, I hate this waiting..... } } Welcome to dec.oracle.com Your gateway to every computer net in the } universe. Choose your net... } } NET? HolyNET } } Angels and Ministers of Grace Preserve us. } -Hamlet. } } oracle@HolyNET> send god "Hate to trouble you and all that, but could } you tell me if you hate --------" } oracle@HolyNET> } And God spake, saying "That miserable bag of puke, absolutely. Do you } know what he did. He went and summoned up an army to try and destroy } me. I kicked him out of heaven for that one." } oracle@HolyNET>send god "Wait, wasn't that Lucifer." } oracle@HolyNET> } And God spake, saying "Yes, that's one of his aliases you asked me } about. You didn't know that?" } oracle@HolyNET>send god "No I didn't, thanks for the Info."\ } oracle@HolyNET> } And God spake, saying "Not a problem." } oracle@HolyNET>logout } } Connection Closed at host. } } NET? logout } } Connection Closed at host. } } >logout } } Well, there you have it. But Satan, you knew that already, why'd you } need to ask me. You owe me a big favor dude. --- 274-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do women only like abusive assholes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmn... Good question- the Oracle himself has been thinking } about this great problem, so you're in luck- } Why do women only like people who treat them like dirt? } Hmmmn... } } To proceed, I must set up a few definitions I find relevant } to this exploration of the topic: } Women: A creature causing much pain and suffering to mankind } Abusive: Tending to degrade and injure rather than be kind } Men: The subject of Abusive Women } Love: A grand and mystical cosmic force which really has } screwed up millions and quadrillions of lives however } glorified by sappy poets it may be. } } Women, as people who enjoy being Abusive to Men, appreciate } the raw energy of Love. Seeing a man helplessly ensnared in } Love for a Woman, the entire gender used to plot and make } machinations on how badly they could Abuse him. They would } work in packs, stalking him and attacking him from every possible } direction with aimless flirtation and red-herring emotional } stimuli. They would end up nailing his heart using the grand and } mystical force of Love. Nowadays the process is much more } efficiently mechanized. Each Woman has a rulebook of how best to } destroy a Man's life. They no longer hunt in packs. Instead, they } can affect several Men at once by feigning affection and Love for } a truly Abusive and absolutely moronic second party- a Man. } This relationship can be compared to several mutualistic } animal relationships where one animal only allows the other } animal to live so that he can feed off of him. In this, } all Men associated with that Woman wonder why she Loves that } horrible Man and are thus Abused. } } You owe the Oracle a book on how to form a logical argument. --- 274-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is my <( muffin astringent enough to kill Mrs. Parsley? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } <*Filch*> } <*Pour.Pour.Pour*> } <*Mix.Mix.Mix.Mix*> } <*Taste*> } } <*Fwumph*> } <*Thwinch.Thwerch.Skrichhhk.Gurple-fwith*> } . . . } } To answer your question we will take an in-depth look at Mrs. Parsley's } past. Early in her youth she discovered a mound of discolored dirt } while playing in the swamp one day. Not being used to purple dirt, and } also being in the Oral stage of her development (and therefore not used } to much of anything), she immediately began playing in it and soon her } entire body became covered with it. This was no ordinary dirt; it was } the product of an alien expriment gone awry; the alien race of Yorg } which had a penchant for developing body-altering substances like liquid } Draino. Fortunately for Mrs. Parsley (not Mrs. Parsley at the time, } however) the experiment was a failure because it was found to immunize } one against all forms of poison, diseases, and--yes--even death. Becase } she was exposed to such a high degree of this substance, she can't be } killed by your muffin astringent. I suggest you try feeding it to } someone else; you're definitely not going to kill Mrs. Parsley. (It's } quit effective at killing anyone else, though). --- 274-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does rain come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd better consult a higher authority on this one. } } %telnet weather-root@almighty.heaven.com 42 } [connecting to host] } >> Welcome to the Heavenly Weather Channel... } lookup rain } } >> Rain: } >> } >> Rain was originally designed as the most efficient way to wash all } >> the undeserving slobs off the earth (See Genesis, topic Deluge). } >> After the spin cycle, a compact was sealed where the Almighty } >> wouldn't pull another stunt like that, but would use more divine } >> methods (like nuclear holocost). } >> } >> In the present, rain is simply a by-product of cleaning activities up } >> in heaven. } } quit } } >>Thank you for using the Heavenly Weather Channel... } [connection closed by heavenly host] } } Hmmm... that seems to make more sense than the "so called" precipitation } cycle, with evaporation and all that garbage. } } You owe the Oracle an umbrella. --- 274-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, I need help with my career choice. Should I become > a corpo rate attorney and taste the sweet tastes of wealth and power, or > should I drop out of school and become the next MTV World Class > Snowboarding Champion to taste the sweet tastes of drunken debauchery > and snowbunnies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see, let's check your OFFICIAL RECORD! (dum-da-dum-DUM) } } Hmmmmmmm. W's, Williams, Willibur, Williganski, Wilmer, Wilson, ahhh... } Here it is, Wilson, Xxxxx Xxxxx. } } Let's see, it says here that in 1984 you cheated all of your friends and } neighbors in a boy scout cookie scam, and made off with 300 dollars } cash. } } Then, in 1987 you went to a ski resort and worked as a lift ticket } salesman, more specifically you scalped lift tickets at as much as 400 } times their original cost! } } In 1989 you were the first one on your block to start a Vote Reagan in } '92 campaign. } } In September of 1990 you arrived at college with dreams of overthrowing } the local government of that sleepy New Hampshire town, you set up a } bank, and within five weeks were arrested for money laundering and } accused of corruption of the young. } } Go where your talents lie, Corporate Big Wig seems like your kind of } work.