From kinzler Thu Mar 28 14:40:36 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 28 Mar 91 14:40:36 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #282 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 282 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #282 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 28 Mar 91 14:40:36 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 277 13 votes 02461 22441 43222 33430 43123 12505 34510 22441 11353 36400 277 2.9 mean 3.5 3.0 2.6 2.5 2.8 3.5 2.3 3.0 3.6 2.1 --- 282-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think the standards of your academy are slipping. Most of the > stupider alcolytes adorn their messages with either: > > ---------- > From: IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY > > (Lame answer) > > IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY > Student > ---------- > > or > > ---------- > From: VMail User > > (Lamer answer) > ---------- > > What is going on? More importantly, what can you do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can really appreciate your problem since this Oracular incarnation } just answered: } } From: VMail User } WHY ISN'T MY STUPID VM NOTE NOT WORKING? } } Needless to say, I was irked by the lack of respect and consideration. } Of course, the real question is "who is VMail User?" Clearly, Mr. } User has a lot of time on his hands, since he asks the Oracle } a lot of questions. The key word here is "IBM." } } Back when VM was a mere heap of junk instead of a vast wasteland, IBM } hired a bright young programmer named Vmail User. Vmail got very } excited about VM, and he decided to dedicate his life to it. He even } changed the capitalization in his first name. Of course, the key } concept in VM is the "virtual machine." You can make one real machine } look like dozens, hundreds, even thousands of machines. Well, to make } a long story tedious, VMail had an accident one day involving a power } surge, a cup of coffee, an IBM 370 CPU, two dimes, a large fan, an old } Playboy magazine, and a tube of toothpaste. Zap! Pow! When the } smoke cleared, there was several hundred virtual VMail Users. IBM } loved it since he had the salary of one real employee, but the } productivity of hundreds. VMail loved it because he could read his } Playboys while working hard. } } Unfortunately, fate took a cruel turn when VMail discovered the } Oracle. Since then the Oracle has spent an incredible amount of time } talking to Mr. User. It's particularly irritating when VMail asks } stupid technical questions or when he asks the same question fifty } times before realizing he had already asked it. Snarl. } } You owe the Oracle several hundred virtual Oracles. --- 282-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: USER, JOE [name changed -sk] > > HOW DO YOU SAY EARRING IN SPANISH? > > USER, JOE > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Earring ... in Spanish? Oh, lemme see. Lemme just think a second. } Lemme just think ACK! Just think ACK! Just ACK ACK ACK! } } ###process: oracle forking... } ###process: oracle forked } } O1: Obviously some college student with } a midterm coming up on Spanish. Wants } to do well. Better just give him the } answer else he'll fail. I couldn't } stand to see Joe fail. } } O2: FLAME HIM! He's just another } dumb-ass English major who's thrilled } with the idea of Internet! He's using } you! Tell 'im to fuck off! Tell him } he's a computer geek who can't get } any sex! Flame the bastard! } } O1: Flame him?! He's just asking a } simple question! } } O2: Simple's right! To call him } slow would be an insult to slow } people! } } O1: He just wants a simple } definition. } } O2: How about, "USER, JOE, see } DIPSHIT!?" } } O1: Oh come on. It could be a funny } question, you know? Take the idea } and call up a couple computer nets, } looking for a definition? Log on } to the MexNet, and talk to some } AI program that says, "I geeve you } good defeeneeshun, yais? Reel } good defeeneeshun!" Could be } funny, now. } } O2: How absolutely trite! Face it, } dude, no way the reply is making } it into Oracularities! It's Joe's } fault because he's too lame to think } up a good question! FLAME THE GEEK! } } O1: Now, now, will you just help me } think? A few sentences of verse, } maybe. "I think I might have lost } my hearing, did you say that^D } } O2: Just spare me the rhyme. Just } do that for me. Just spare me that } evil fucking rhyme I see looming in } about five syllables. There is } NOTHING YOU CAN DO to reply to this } dumb-ass, get it? Call him a sexless } bimbo and let's rejoin processes! } } O1: Oblique sexual references to Lisa? } } O2: He's a computer science student } and he's male! He won't understand! } } O1: Random Monty Python references? } } O2: Not acceptable since Chapman died! } } O1: So you're saying I should flame } him? } } O2: FLAME HIM! } } O1: Flame him? } } O2: FLAME HIM! } } >From: USER, JOE } > } >ARE YOU STILL THERE ORACLE? I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU SAY EARRnononononono } >GODnonottheflamethrowerAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA } } "Aretes." } } You owe the Oracle a fire extinguisher. --- 282-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the correct name of Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're a graduate student, aren't you? Only graduate students } come up with questions that sick. } } The correct name for Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle is: } } "Gwanllyllphigmagili!straHnkankankerungerblattisph<- } Traxwizzyllphigmagili!squippledanfortherungerblattisph<- } Vwockregstrunggllyll" } } where '!' represents the tongue-click found in Xhosa and } other African languages, } } 'H' represents the German 'ch', which sounds like } clearing your throat, } } '&' represents blowing your nose as loud as possible. } } The name is obviously Welsh. It means "Crows nested here once, } then saw her face and left. Pigeons nested here once, then } saw her husband and left. Vultures still circle here." } } You owe the Oracle some Pepto-Bismol, and a picture of yourself } after you've said the name three times really fast without breathing. --- 282-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise Oracle > > Tell me why UNIX (c) is so un-user friendly. It's just so > AAARRRRRRGGG!!!!!!!! > > Forever in your dept And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, unix is a very user-friendly system. Its just that it is } particular about which users it chooses to be friendly with. This is a } fairly common feature with highly sophisticated operating systems, } especially those resulting from the AI project at MIT. (AT&T, of } course, is one of the more active recruiters at MIT.) } } You have, however, taken one of the first steps towards becoming a } 'Friend of Unix' (tm). The USENET Oracle is known to be a close friend } of unix, and service to the Oracle is very likely to earn you points } with unix. } } Other things you might do: } } 1. Participate in any USENET language discussions you find, especially } those comparing C to any other language. Disparage the other } language, praise C as highly as possible. Imply that writing in the } other language is beneath your dignity as a Programmer. (You earn } double points on Tuesdays or if the other language is COBOL.) } } 2. Attempt to set up an e-mail gateway between either the Internet or } UUCP and another network environment. Unfortunately, the easy } candidates like Fidonet have already been taken. Try GEnie, America } Online, or the Home Shopping Network. } } 3. You must, at some point soon, choose your stance on the GNU project. } It probably doesn't make any difference which side you choose, as } long as your defense of or complaints about the FSF are virulent. } } 4. Stop using whatever mail or news programs you currently have access } to and switch to emacs for both functions. } } 5. If your employer/university doesn't have a unix source code license, } lobby for getting one. (It isn't true that the Oracle gets a } commission on these, but be sure to mention My name, just in case.) } } 6. Join the battle to save alt.sex.pictures. Write threatening letters } to the Houston Chronicle and Ann Landers. (Dear Abby is aready one } of *them*.) } } When you have earned enough unix points, you will be admitted to the } lowest level of the unix priesthood. Don't call us, we'll call you. } } PS--The Oracle denies that you are part of his department, or even his } division. Heck, you aren't even in his league. --- 282-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Were Julia Roberts' lips injected with silicon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silicon? The Oracle, being an all-knowing computer, } recognizes silicon in all its forms. However, the } Oracle has never met Julia Roberts up close. Therefore, } more data is required. } } The Oracle has assembled a receptor module for the } purpose of collecting this data. This module has been } designed to resemble an ordinary human, so as to be } inconspicuous. Implanted within the lips of this module } is a silicon detector. } } The module is identified by the name Heath Hart and } is located at Virginia Polytechnic Institute. As soon } as possible, please arrange for Miss Roberts to press } her lips against the silicon detector of the module, } and your answer will be forthcoming. } } The module is equipped to detect traces of silicon in } the tongue, breasts, and other body parts. (Mrrrowrrr!) } } If you can accomplish this, then the Oracle owes you. --- 282-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does she like me or am I just dreaming? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends upon what sort of pet 'she' is. } } If she is a cat: only when it pleases her, eg. mealtimes, when she wants } to go outside to shit on other peoples lawns, or when } she is about to present you with a litter of eleven } kittens. } } If she is a dog: she is loyal to you except when she is on heat. When } the population of dogs in your immediate area suddenly } increases so that your front lawn looks like the local } pound, worry. } } If she is a goldfish: Blub blub. All these blub creatures do blub is } blub swim around blub and blub say "blub" a blub lot. } (As opposed blub to "bulb" which blub they say blub } when they blub blub swim back blub wards or are blub } blub dead.) } } If she is a hamster: These creatures do not reciprocate the love and } affection that you give them. They are only given to } kids by parents as pets so that the kids can learn some } responsibility, and because only a small hole is needed } to bury them when the kids fail to learn. They are } also kept by certain adults along with large rolls of } masking tape for reasons that I refuse to identify in } front of the children. } } If she is a gerbil: These animals are functionally equivalent to a } hamster. See hamster. } } If she is an elephant: You have chosen an affectionate pet indeed. She } even knows how to get her own meals. However, there } are a few problems with keeping an elephant in the } city. They have trouble fitting into the average } apartment. They tend to leave enormous turds that defy } the most ambitious pooper-scooper. They eat 200 pounds } of food a day. And burying a dead elephant is a major } task that takes a week, an acre and lots of good solid } earthmoving equipment. } } If she is a pig: She is affectionate, loving and is a good pet. She can } also be trained like a dog, and will eat anything. } However, local regulations prohibit the keeping of pigs } in the city. Secrecy is advised. Housetraining is } essential. } } If she is a budgerigar: She will love you if you would only open the } door of her cage.... } } If she is a totem pole: Get psychriatic help immediately. } } If she is a rat: Love isn't as important as understanding with these } pets, although she is affectionate. She can be trained } to perform great practical jokes with unsuspecting and } unwelcome guests. } } If she is a snake: Remember to feed her regularly, as she might other- } wise get a bit _too_ affectionate. Feed her the kids' } hamsters. } } You owe the Oracle a pooper scooper for my elephant, and a new budgie. --- 282-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magnanimous Oracle: > How do you make lead out of gold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } lead from gold? what a curious question. The Oracle knows of two ways } to do this. The first is not at all messy, and reversable even } } method #1 } gold } geld } meld } mead } lead } } simple, wasn't it? } } method #2 } } This one is not nearly as easy as the first, and will require a } substantive cash out lay and a lot of legwork on your part. It is also } highly unreliable, yielding a success rate of only 23%, and is } potentialy fatal (explosions are an integral part of alchemy). } Go get a passport if you need one, and book yourself on a flight } to Brazil. You need to go wander around the deep unexplored parts of } the Rain Forest. Once there, after a week, if you are properly lost and } have been chanting the appropriate mantra "I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm gonna } die, oh shit oh shit oh shit" (or a similar variation. The stronger } your choice of expletives, the better chance of success) you should } stumble unexpectedly into a small clearing. There will be a small man } there who looks like he should have died five hundred years ago. He } will explain to you the alchemical process for turning gold into lead, } which is much harder than lead into gold (The Oracle has tried this } several times with no success). Take comprehensive notes, as he will } not explain the process twice. The Oracle wishes you much success } } You owe the Oracle a pair of really good ear muffs --- 282-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise O. > > It started about three weeks ago. I was just walking around town, > when suddanly i fell. I thought this to be a very strange thing to > happen. Then it happened to me again yesterday!!! What am I doing > wrong??? Why did God invent gravety???? > > Forever in your dept. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, back at the beginning, before there wasn't even time, God was in } absolute control of everything. He made a small universe and had great } pleasure in manipulating things and creating new toys to play with. } (Being made in God's image, this explains the addictions of TinyMud, } Galactic Bloodshed, and Tetris.) Well soon there were too many toys } for God to play with, and he had trouble keeping track of them. So } he invented time. That kept events sequenced. The universe grew and } grew, and God got lazier and lazier. Soon he didn't even want to hold } objects together, so he whipped up a few physical laws & created } gravity. (Of course, he botched it: relativity was never supposed } to have happened!) Before He knew it, he had basically let the universe } go on its own, and now he just sits in his Kingdom of Heaven, smoking } weed. } } Then the trouble started. His phone started ringing off the hook. } People had discovered Him and were praying to Him to do bleedin' } EVERYTHING for them! He took the calls at first, but after a while } he got sick of it. So he assigned the job to the angels. They } got sick of it. Now all the prayers are taken by an answering } machine with no incoming message tape. } } So God invented gravity out of pure laziness, and don't bother } praying for Him to relieve the pain of your fall, 'cause he isn't } listening. } } You owe the Oracle his own answering machine with no incoming message } tape. --- 282-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail mighty oracle. I must needs converse with thee upon a matter of > great import. As the resident Norse god of thunder on Asgard.net I have > been having a most splendid time. However, now, mine father Odin hath > decreed that I spend too much time carousing, wenching, fighting, and on > mine personal account. He hath decreed that I be banished to Midgard > for an aeon or two until I do learn the proper way for a prince of > Asgard to behave (All this while the cantankerous grouch is going about > visiting this mortal female and that mortal female and essentially > making Zeus look like a boy scout...) > > What can I do now that I find myself faced with a few millenia of exile > on Midgard? > Yours truly, > Thor Odinson And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Asgard.net, eh? Oh well...Where did I store that program??? Ahh } } OK exec mythos.avatar } } .tell oracle@delphi Pythia...wake up! } } Pythia: +>%(#/`!~= } Priest: Umm she saith "Yawn.." } Pythia: ~#&*^G| MK]_^& * %^ &*@#$%4 X3"5}L8E-W T:(>Y7I5U6*I } Preist: Ummm she saith she knew you would inquire thusly, Thor. } Pythia: & %#*\$*R^~ &$%&&^~ ~$%^#^3<5#$ &% ^ #$%^2_6`4}| $%^ #$%^&**%#$ } Priest: Umm make sure he payeth the translation fee. } Pythia: &^*3 #$%%^3 4%^&$%^& @#$%@#$@!#41 45$%^& 9$#%^&$@ %#$%% ^&@#$%:| } Priest: Excuse me for interrupting...oh Pythia. } Pythia: @!#5 8%$&^*$#%^ &$%#^7*(T^@ $~~#%^U^\ [][{}\OPP5 7DS F%$^#76 } Priest: Really ??!! [][{}\OPP5? Hmmm.... } } Thor, } You best not try to leave as the Midgard Serpent hasn't eaten in a } while...Midgard (Earth) is a little weak on Norse believers of late, and } the serpent is still a little PO'd at thee for hooking him on that } fishing trip. } Midgard is an happenin' place, especially for carousing and } wenching. The sexual revolution hath made its impact over much of the } civilised world. If fighting is thy game, we have incessant wars here } from gang wars to United Nation police actions where everybody gangs up } on somebody. } Some added warnings, however: Thy Lady, Sif hath been credited with } creating a nasty disease (which bears her name) for certain unfaithful } husbands...so you might want to start using the intestines of thy } regenerating goats to make sheaths for thy...ummm...hammer. } As for learning how a prince of Asgard behaves...You should enroll } in a Business Ethics course just before the aeon is up....I understand a } relative of yours is teaching one...hhmmm the name is something like: } MiLOKIn...miL'KIn...or such. } } You owe the Oracle the net addresses of all the Valkyries... I've } always wanted to do it on a flying horse... --- 282-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: STUDENT, JOHN [name changed -sk] > > ask me a question! > > STUDENT, JOHN > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consultation with my favorite Ouija board (which even the Oracle } resorts to when faced with extremely intransigent problems), revealed } only the following ETLA (Extended Three Letter Acronym):- } } 'RTFM' } } Some further work in the interpretation department involving a dart, } three miles of bookshelves, and a pair of scissors, resulted in the } following quotation:- } } 'Mailing the Oracle with the word "help in the "Subject:" line will get } you the most recent version of this help file mailed back. If you mail } the Oracle with "ask me" or "askme" somewhere in the subject, the } Oracle will send you a question to answer, if there are any available.' } } So, after lengthy deliberation, I come to the following conclusions:- } } 1. You are plagued with Rats, Toads, Frogs, and Mice, but are } frightened to admit it to anyone for fear the City Sanitation } Department will hear of it and condemn your dwelling. } } 2. To get a sufficient quantity of electronic mail passed to you that } the net.police will inform the City Sanitation Department that you } are a Person Of Importance, and give you friendly assistance } instead of an eviction notice when you make a complaint about your } excessive wildlife, you must obey the instructions given in the } quotation above. } } You owe the Oracle fourteen china ornaments, to replace those } destroyed during the interpretation of your question. Nice ones, too. } And with no Rats, Toads, Frogs, or Mice in them.