From kinzler Tue Apr 23 12:29:22 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 23 Apr 91 12:29:22 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #295 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 295 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #295 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 23 Apr 91 12:29:22 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 290 19 votes 27811 0a720 25a20 0c610 02c50 03952 03394 3c310 01558 01972 290 3.0 mean 2.6 2.6 2.6 2.4 3.2 3.3 3.7 2.1 4.1 3.5 --- 295-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who can guzzle a six-pack of Jolt with no noticeable > side-effects, who grants to us mortals wisdom far beyond our wildest > dreams, who knows why I dream about punctuation, please bring yourself > down off your lofty perch from which you survey the world of mortals and > answer me this... How can I bring the picture to life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, child...I'd tell you this, but a living woman shaped like Jessica } Rabbit simply couldn't live long or comfortably. Suppose that the } Oracle told you the incantation and you applied it. ** poof! ** the } picture vanishes and a live Jessica Rabbit stands before you. Before } she can address a word to you in her Kathleen Turner voice, she bends } over in agony. Of course that tiny waist cannot support the weight of } that big head and those massive bosoms. From then on, constant pain for } her, trouble with her tiny and insufficient digestive system...death } within a month, and no way to turn her back into a picture to relieve } her agony. } } Don't even think about it. --- 295-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have this perverse and, to me, inexplicable desire to be my > girlfriend. Is it just an overextension of being so madly in love with > her, or is there something seriously wrong with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before I begin, I have to yet to see any respect coming from your } puny, worthless being. You are talking to the great Oracle! I am not } one who you address without the utmost of respect and groveling. I } expect better from you next time, since it is obvious that you are } suffering from a severe case of temporary insanity. Speak to me in such } a petty manner in the future and your life will be exciting and brief. } } Now, about your problem: Your problem isn't mental at all. It is } obvious That you are being possessed by a succubus. A succubus, for you } of lesser intellects who do not know, is a sexual vampire who visits her } victims in their sleep and drains the victim's lifeforce by *ahem* doing } the nasty with them. On the whole this is not a particularly BAD way to } go. } } This desire is obviusly the result of a post-hypnotic suggestion } left bythe undead creature. Additionally, the succubus and her effects } are also the reasons behind your lack of energy, your aversion to direct } sunlight and your recent case of impotence. } } To drive this beast away will require you to make the succubus } desire somebody else. You will have to make yourself as unattractive as } possible. (Yes,even more unattractive than you are now! I didn't say } this was going to be easy.) Try eating Mexican food every night. This } will cause you to flatulate throughout the evening. Also not brushing } your teeth will give you a case of halitosis from hell. Try wearing } that pair of camoflage USMC boxer shorts. You get the idea. I know you } have tons more tacky stuff to do. Finally, buy some issues of Playgirl } and post the centerfolds up on your wall to give the succubussome } exposure to her options. This should do the trick. } } You owe the Oracle a box of condoms. } } -*psst* Hey Oracle! Did he fall for it? } -Yeah, like a rock. Did you do what I told you to? } -Sure did your Oracleness, I called all his friends over to his } house tonight at around 2:00 AM and have set up a camera with a } telephoto lens across the street. This should be hilarious! } Your jokes just keep getting better and better sir! } -I know, and to belive the bozo fell for it!..... --- 295-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, kind sir, if it pleases you I would be most honored if you > would deign to reveal your predictions for the upcoming World Foozball > Championship match featuring Juwarharlal Smythe and Edward Chowder. And > what about their recent injuries? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... I am not sure if I can do that. Let me check my Oracular } policy guide. } } > Section 13.6.91.4b: Sporting Event Predictions } > If order to prevent unethical gambling, the Oracle shall not predict } > the outcome of sporting events. This restriction specifically } > includes boxing, horse racing, and vehicular homicide. } } It doesn't mention Foozball. Let me check something another section. } } > Section 4.18.12.9f: Definition of a Sporting Event } > A sporting event is defined as an officially sanctioned confrontation } > between two or more satient beings. The event must procede along } > previously defined rules, and it must be impartially referreed. } > The loser must suffer grevious humiliation, and the winner must gloat } > insufferably. There must be a significant chance of painful injury. } } Yup, that sounds like Foozball. However, I remember another relevent } section. } } > Section 4.20.15.2e: Silly Sport Names } > A sport must have a serious name. For example, football is a serious } > sport; it sounds like it involves kicking people in the groin. } > Squash is even more serious. Badminton is not a sport; whoever } > heard of a minton, much less a bad one? } } I think Foozball qualifies as a silly name, but there is another } important section. } } > Section 4.23.12.9: Violent Sports } > If an activity is sufficiently violent, then it can qualify as a sport } > regardless of previous conditions. For example, boxing is putting } > things into boxes. However, boxing is also pounding your } > opponent into raw hamburger with soft gloves. Therefore, boxing is } > a real sport. } } Foozball can get very noisy and ugly. It must be a sport. Sorry, but } policy forbids me from answering your question. --- 295-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > I keep getting these anonymous letters in my campus mailbox. The > writer describes in detail how he will ravish me, kiss my beautiful > breasts and stroke my golden hair, how perfectly beautiful a woman I am > -- except that I'm not a woman. Who is sending the letters, and why? > They are addressed to me specifically, so I don't think that it's an > accident, and they're hand-written. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... this is a very disturbing situation. The possibility does } exist that in the original design of the universe, you were intended to } be a woman, but due to a design oversight, at the last minute they } corected the flaw by converting you to a man. However, they did not } change all references to you, and as a result some people still believe } you are a woman, and will continue to believe this until they try to get } you into bed. } Perhaps you should seek out the sender of these letters (check for } fingerprints) and reveal your true identity to him, by showing the proof } of your gender, in all its glory. If he still comes after you, RUN. } } You owe the Oracle a can of mace. --- 295-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Heard any good ones lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you know, I...gee, hmmm, let me see, uh, just a mnute, gosh. Boy, } I know I heard something, what the hell was it? Hmm. Hmmmmmm! } HMMMMMMMMM! Oh, anyway, I...uh...oh yeah! No, no, that's not it. } Maybe...hmmm. Jeez, and I wrote it down, too. Let's see, have I heard } any good ones lately? Hmmm...er...well, I dunno...hmm. Perhaps...nahh. } How about...? I don't think so..ahhh, no. I'll look over here...no, } none in there. Let me call next door and see if they've heard any good } ones. Where's that...uh, whatisicalled...umm, damn! I know I just saw } it. Hmmm. Just go ahead and have a seat, I'm sure I'll have it in a } minute...ehhh...no, that ain't it. How about under here? AHA! Found } it! Nope, damn, doesn't seem to be working...I'll...er...hmmm. Boy, I } just don't know...gosh! Gee, what...no, well.... } } Nope, I guess not. } } You owe the Oracle a...hmm, what the hell was that thing called? I'd } know it if I saw it. Hmmm.... --- 295-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That's not a Telephone! That's a Gas Pump! Oops, too late. Oh my god... > > What do I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, calm down...firstly, did you try to call long-distance? You did? } Uh-oh... DON'T PANIC...now, firstly, replace the receive-er-the pump. } Now pay the man standing there ranting at you for the gas currently } soaking your jacket... NO!!! DON'T SMOKE..._phew_ that was close. } Now, some small tests here: When you shake your head does it slosh? } Yes? OK now put your head on your shoulder and let all the gas flow out } again...done that? Good...now the next stage is very critical so don't } make a mistake...NO! DON'T SMOKE!!!...yes, coffee is OK, just avoid the } cigarettes...now wander into that laundrette over there nice and quietly } and remove all your gas-soaked clothes -er- better skip the underwear } and load it into that machine. Yes, take your wallet out of yor pants } first. Now put some change in the machine and start the cycle... } } Hum a little if you like, yes, it'd help pass the time...hmmm, why no } water yet...wait, that's a dryer, quick get the clothes out of there } before they catch fire - aargh too late. OK, now's where we start a new } fashion trend: the 'Struck by Lightning' look...or perhaps the 'I'm a } failed Fire-fight'... } } You Owe the oracle a new set of clothes --- 295-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I keep getting questions supposedly from people who have had > their identities changed and want to change back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you are the head of the Justice Department's Witness } Relocation Program. You'd better get back to the office, the paper } work is pilling up. } No, no. Just kidding. That was part of the famous Oracle } silliness. } Because you are Madge the Manicurist and your gay lover has } held up a bank and-- } No, no. Just kidding. I'm the Oracle, and I'm just wacky } as all get out. } Because people see in you a remarkably sensative and caring } individual and a credit to the human race. } No, no. Kidding, kidding! Ain't I just as loopy as a loon? } Nutty, nutty, nutty! } } You owe the Oracle an answer to your question. --- 295-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Grand and Goodly and Gregarious and... Uh... Oh, hell... > Oracle: > > If you could be any type of tree, what type of tree would you be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once a password hacker sat by his terminal } Under the shade of a binary tree } And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled: } "You'll come a-cracking computers with me" } } Chorus: "Cracking computers, cracking computers, } You'll come a cracking computers with me..." } And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled: } "You'll come a cracking computers with me." } } Down sat a user, to work at that terminal } Up sat the cracker, and watched him with glee } And he sang as he saved that password in his datafile: } "You'll come a cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } Down came the admin, into the computer room } Down came a super-user or three } "Whose is that password you've got in your datafile } You'll come a-cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } Up jumped the cracker, and turned off the terminal } "You'll never catch me online" cried he! } But his code may be heard as you log on that terminal... } "You'll come a-cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } The Oracle wants to be an alpha-beta pruned balanced AVL tree, } or a Coolibah tree, whichever turns you on. } } You owe the Oracle a book of Australian folksongs. Or a better } songwriter. --- 295-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, > I, your most honorable servant calls upon your wonderous knowledge > to answer my most deepest question. > My girlfriend has the most beautiful red hair and gorgeous green > eyes. Whenever we are in bed, on a table, or in the bathtub making > whoopie, I get an image of Christmas. Then, I think of God and him > watching over us performing an adulerated act of lust and I lose my > erection. It is killing our relationship. What am I to do. > > -- Cathy's Clown And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your story touches the Oracle deeply. Therefore, several } solutions to your problem will be presented. Perhaps one will suit } you. And since you have used the proper amount of flattery in the } introduction to your question, some of these solutions may even } be beneficial, rather than the highly destructive form mvst suggestions } from the Oracle take on the mortal human form. } } First possibility: change girlfriends, to one with different } hair or eye colors. The Oracle knows many (at least one) deserving } male to whom you cvuld give your present girlfriend. This is probably } not what you had in mind. } } Second possibility: Have your girlfriend change the color of } her hair or eyes. This may make her less attractive to you, but at } least you'll be able to hump away without guilt. } } Third possibility: only screw in the dark, where you cannot see } her eyes and hair, thus cannot be reminded of certain deities. } } Fourth possibility: let the colors remind you of something } else. M&Ms come in green and red (among other colors), and the green } ones are rumored to be an aphrodasiac among your species. You could } make a game of it by reminding yourself of stoplights--at the beginning } of the stroke you look into her eyes, and the green says go. As you } move upward, you see her red hair, and red means stop, so you don't } split her up the middle with your, uh, sword. See how easy this } possibility is? } } Fifth possibility: look only into her eyes. Lose yourself in } them while slowly making love to her. Very romantic. } } Sixth possibility: change positions. In the so-called doggie- } style position, you will only be able to see her hair. } } Seventh possibility: change deities to one who yoz believe is more } into sex. Guys like Zeus and Thor were always sleeping around, } practicing lust themselves. They would probably cut you some slack. } } Eighth possibility:remember that Christmas is a family holiday, } and note that you are just practicing for having a real family. } } Ninth possibility: go faster. Then you can't lose your erection } before the act is complete. She may protest this one. } } (and just to make it a round number) Tenth possibility: read } rec.arts.erotica, alt.sex, or alt.bizarre.perverts (depending on your } general bent) tv cause high hormone levels, and thus prevent this } horrid erectile dysfunction. Of course, if your girlfriend can't turn } you on mvre than this reading material, you're in deep trouble. And } having a terminal in bed is a little awkward, but it will save time } and trouble in case you have to consult the Oracle suddenly during the } night. } } There you go. Practice these and you're on your way to overcoming } this God paranoia and } } Message from God@pearly.heaven.org } ZZZZZZZZZZOT! } } Well, gotta go now. Good luck! --- 295-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle: > > I am about to cough. I feel a small yet inextinguishable cough rising > up from the bottoms of my lungs. It is drifting slowly and inexorably > up my throat. Soon it will reach my mouth, and then propel itself unto > the audient void. What shall I do, Oh great and wise oracle, whatever > shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a good thing you contacted the Oracle when you did, because that's } NO ORDINARY COUGH!! That long, slow cough is the terminal symptom of } Kratzmeyr's Syndrome, a rare, fatal disease caused by a mutated form of } the Whooping Cough virus somehow implanted into the Black Plague } bacterium, along with bits and pieces of DNA from anthrax, German } measles, and a nasty head cold. You aren't going to cough, you're } actually going to regurgitate your entire digestive tract and several } smaller organs. Lucky for you, the Oracle can tell you the only known } cure. Two minutes more, and it would have been too late. Just a sec } ... It's right hear ... hold on a minute ... } ... coulda sworn it was in that pile - maybe } it's over here aHA! Got it. You still there? } } Hello? } } Yuk.