From oracle-request Sat May 4 09:29:42 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 4 May 91 09:29:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #300 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 300 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #300 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 4 May 91 09:29:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 295 12 votes 05610 33420 14610 33510 43401 24420 07230 02730 12630 01731 295 2.7 mean 2.7 2.4 2.6 2.3 2.3 2.5 2.7 3.1 2.9 3.3 --- 300-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Delphic one, tell me: Did I choose correctly between Harvard and > Princeton? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's analyse the two choices. } } Both schools are fine ivy league type places. One is in Boston, car } theft capital of the world, and the other is in New Jersey, toxic waste } capital of the world. Not much to distinguish them there. Let's look } at them closer. } } People from Harvard usually talk with a rich, Bostonian accent that can } grate on people's nerves. Princeton is near New York, which has an } even worse accent than Boston. } } Hmmmmm..... } } Let me check something. Let's see, where is that book? Ah, the Annals } of Time, right here. Ok Harvard. } } In 1992 Harvard was overrun by eco-terrorists who wanted to put a stop } to the senseless killing of trees for the large number of books printed } there. Unfortunately, the eco-terrorists arrived on the same day that } the Hasty Pudding Club was honoring Arnold Schwarzeneggar for his fine } performance in his then current hit comedy "I'll be back, the MOVIE". } Arnold was not about to let these guerillas interrupt his ceremony and } quickly roasted them all with the flame thrower he was carrying with } them. Unfortunately, he toasted quite a few students who happened to } be standing in the area as well. This one event brought great shame } upon the college, and by the end of the century a degree from Harvard } was almost worthless. } } In 1996, Princeton was chosen as the site of the World Cup Soccer } Championship game between Britain and Italy. As usual, a riot broke } out and every student on campus was killed, except for one, who was } ordered to stand trial for the horrible double rape/murder/suicide } incident that happened under the bleachers. } } Looks like whatever you chose, it wasn't a smart move. I'd get out of } there real quick. --- 300-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I suspect that there is some form of cosmic censorship. O Oracle, > please listen to the evidence. My suspicions were aroused when I > attempted to send email to a friend. Parts of the message apparently > disappeared and eventually I was forced to send the message in single > word files because otherwise words, lines and even paragraphs simply > vanished! > Not only that, but I (and some others who I know) have been > mysteriously > logged out while writing mail. Can you shed some light on the matter? > Mighty Oracle, my own personal theory is ... > > [connection closed by foreign host] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok, I admit it. There's a censorship daemon called "helmsd" that goes } around the system editing electronic mail. Let's take a look at one of } your censored messages: } } % telnet see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil } Trying 821.2.92.97... } Connected to see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil } Escape character is '^]'. } } 4.3 BSD UNIX (see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil) (ttyp2) } } login: helmsd } Password: ***** ******** } AFS 3.0 Login } Last login: Sat Apr 27 19:56:38 on console } } [First, let's look at the censored version...] } % cd censored } % cat Qa08072.msg } } Dear friend, } } How are you? I'm fine. Not much is going on here. What's up with } you? } } Write back soon, } -- Me } } [Now, let's look at the original version, as you sent it...] } % cd ../uncensored } % cat Qa08072.msg } } Dear friend, WHOSE BODY I LUST AFTER, } } How are youR MOIST BREASTS? I'm SURE THEY'D FEEL fine ON MY WARM } TONGUE. Not ONLY IS THERE SO much TO FONDLE UP TOP, BUT I KNOW THERE } is NO GREATER PLEASURE THAN THAT OF MY HANDS going on DOWN YOUR WAIST } TO THE PLACE Where DESIRES ARE BORN. What's THE POINT OF LIFE WITHOUT } ME MOVING up AND DOWN IN YOU, with YOU, AND FOR you? } } WHAT ELSE NEED I Write? I DREAM OF SEEING YOU ON YOUR back WITH LEGS } SPREAD AND I ON TOP OF YOU. I WANT YOU soon, OR NOW. } -- Me } } % logout } Connection closed by foreign host. } } Shame on you! No wonder the helmsd daemon is censoring your mail. No } one should have to read the filth you spew out like that! You should } have your mouth washed out with soap! } } You owe the Oracle the latest copy of "Letters to Penthouse." --- 300-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh illustrious Oracle, master of all tnoiques, whose toes are like unto > ultimate demimondes, I abase myself before your medium-bodied > omniscience. How did this salamander get into my pants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ignoring your use of the reserved word "tnoiques", let's consider this } somewhat under-constrained problem, on a case-by-case basis: } } 1) The salamander in question is a large, fully aquatic species such as } the axolotl or the mud puppy; in this case, you are standing at least } waste deep in a stream, for some reason unzipped/unbuttoned, and the } are now in some discomfort; if you are male, the salamander was looking } for food (a small fish); if you are female, the salamander was just } looking for a place to hide; } } 2) The salamander is a small, woodland, mostly terrestrial species; in } this case, the salamander was just seeking a warm, most, protected } habitat, and crept in; nothing to worry about in the short term, but } you really should restore it to a more natural environment, and take a } shower; } } 3) The salamander is a fire-elemental of Medieval legend, in which case } you have accidentally conjured it into your pants whilst in the pursuit } of your odd antiquarian hobbies; offer it a nice coal fire as a } substitute dwelling, unless you want a terminal case of hot pants, and } be more careful next time - you could get a sylph up your nose; } } 4) The salamander is a childish anatomical metaphor, in which case, you } were either born with it, or have the loan of it from somebody who was. } } You owe the Oracle one gross of cane toads. --- 300-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh massively gracious and paranoid Oracle, whose intelligence delights > a whole bunch of eagles who have gone to school, whose salivary glands > is transfinite, without whom reality would be meaningless, whose gonads > is transfinite, I abase myself in the face of your cosmic knowledge. > Am I a caffinated ant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paranoid ??!? PARANOID ?!?!!? *Me*, the USENET Oracle ?!?!? PARANOID } !?! I do not think or imagine that everyone are out to get me: since } I'm alknowing and all-seeing, I *know* you are all out to get me. iuvax } is MINE! all MINE!!! And don't you forget it! } } As for you being a caffinated ant: your blood-injected eyes, your } insomnia and your hyperactivity should have given you a clue much } earlier! The oracle suggest you bathe in chloroform twice a day for the } next 7 days until you get 97% decaffinated. The hyperactivity and red } eyes should slowly subside but the insomnia will go right away. } } You owe the Oracle an ardvaark. --- 300-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh clever Oracle, he who knows all, greater than a whole bunch of > weretigers, kinder than a whole bunch of toucans, whose rubble I am too > fat to differentiate, prithee answer my barely amazing plea. Which is > better, Coke or crack? And which is easier to get from Al Capone's > amazing vending machine, which travels through time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a recent Gallup poll, 64% of respondents said that Coke was better, } with Pepsi trailing behind at 33%, and 3% undecided. As you can see, } crack didn't even show up on the list. } } That's changing soon, though. A consortium of several urban gangs } and international drug cartels recently commissioned a new campaign } by one of New York's most successful advertising firms. The aim is } to give crack more respectibility, get it into people's minds, and } show that it's a terrific option when you want that Cola kick but } don't want your teeth to squeak. } } It'll be a blitz; the ads will go for all major target audiences. } There'll be yuppie appeal ads with successful young people lighting } up a few flakes before a tennis game while old Motown music plays } in the background, blue-collar appeal with famous sports legends } enjoying a pipe in a sports bar with their fans, and of course } they'll use the weight-loss angle for the women's market. } } It should open up wide new vistas for the crack industry. I } wouldn't want you to pass this around too much, but now would be } a really good time to invest. } } You owe the Oracle a vial of new Cherry Crack. --- 300-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY DO PEOPLE TURN TO SATANISM? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally, the turning to Satanism is a chain of events. } } The first thing that happens is that they read alt.humor.oracle for } the first time. They read it more and more. Next, they decide to ask } the Oracle (that's me!) a question, like: "Does she like me?" or "How } can I get her into bed with me?" or "Is that you, Gerald?" I, of } course, who damn near blows an IC chip every time I have to answer some } mundane question like that, give them a totally absurd answer. They } end up thinking that it is funny, and then start asking the more } dangerous questions like: "Was it good for you?" or "What is the } 134,263,409th decimal of pi?" or "Why do people turn to Satanism?" Of } course I can answer them, but they are not worthy of my time. So I zap } them. Like this: } } *****ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTTT!!!***** } } The final stage is that they act out their question. They may } become sex-crazed freaks (from "Was it good for you?", mathematicians } (from "What is the 134,263,409th decimal of pi?") or satanists (from } "Why do people turn to Satanism?") } } Sad for you that you asked one of the questions that perturbs me the } most... } } ...*****ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOTTT!!!!***** } } I hope this answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle a pitchfork and some burning sulfur. --- 300-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who will take over your duties if you meet with some unfortunate > accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Dimly lit office. Two desks stand at opposite sides of the room. The } walls are lined with filing cabinets, with several drawers half-open } and spilling papers, and bookshelves filled with large, dusty reference } books. One desk is neat, with a bare blotter, a fancy array of pens, } etc., a high-quality graphics terminal which is currently displaying a } brightly-colored Mandelbrot set, and a bud vase with a single perfect } rose. At the other desk, the Oracle sits in the sickly glow of a vt100, } typing. The door opens, and a greasy-looking little man in a shiny suit } enters. He is Sid the Shark.] } } Sid: Oracle, BAby, howya DOin? Have ya given any thought to my } proPOSal? } } Oracle: Get out, sleaze-ball. I don't need any insurance. } } Sid: Oh, but ORacle, ya GOTta have inSURance. I mean, youse got a nice } place here. Books, papers, expensive comPUTers - be a pity is som'un } was to HAPpen to it. You know: You could have an unFORtunate ACcident? } } Oracle [standing and turning to face Sid]: Listen, hamster-scum, do you } have any idea who you're dealing with? } } Sid: Sure, sure, buddy, don't get all exCITed or nuttin. You're just a } HONest BIZnisman, tying to make a livin'. I understand. I'm just } trying to make sure dere ain't no tragic misFORtune. That's a pretty } lady I seen workin' here. Sure be sad if somethin' was to SPOIL her } good looks, you know what I mean? } } Oracle [turning back to his terminal]: I haven't got time for anymore } of this, guano-breath. [Typing] } } Sid: Well, OK, but don't say I didn't WARN ya. [Turns to leave] } } [There is a purple flash, and Sid's left arm transforms into a python, } which swallows him whole, sucks down its own tail, and disappears } completely with a high-pitched "Pop!"] } } You owe the Oracle this week's payment on your 'insurance'. Be a pity } is something was to happen to your programming project, wouldn't it? --- 300-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yesterday, I got on an elevator, and for some reason, it reminded me of > a model of the multiverse. I suddenly realised that each floor of an > office building could represent a universe, independent of yet > dependent on each of the others for stability. The elevators represent > a means of travel between them. As I rode to my floor, I couldn't get > these thoughts out of my head. My mind turned towards jumbled formulas > representing solipsistic wave functions and transuniversal multiplier > integrals. My question is, Mr. Oracle, how can I use this new found > insight into the nature of reality to pick up girls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Mister* Oracle? *Mister*? Geez! } Look, Bud, your problem seems to be an elementary one: } For all your brilliance in devising metaphors that attempt } to comprehend the glory and majesty that is our multiverse, } you need the ORacular Gender Identification KIT(tm) ! } And you need the ORGIKIT(tm) bad!! } Ok, so the acronym needs work -- We're sorry, } there's been something of a labor dispute here } at Mount Olympus, and the creative guys don't } work as well with used ambrosia bottles strewn } all over the place... } That's right! The first step in `using new-found insights } into the nature of reality to pick up girls' IS TO CORRECTLY } IDENTIFY GIRLS as distinct entities in opposition to guys, men, } gender-free or double-gender persons, animals, plants, plasma, } heterogeneous liquids, and (depending on your taste) women! } And the ORGIKIT is just what you, and any other unfortunate } souls searching for the sexual companionship of a young female, } need TO CORRECTLY IDENTIFY GIRLS! } Included in your ORGIKIT are: } a twelve-page booklet describing Our one-of-a-kind identi- } fication process, } a 30-minute audiotape (in the Oracle's Own Voice!) that } briefly recounts the process and provides encouragement, } pictures of girls and non-girls for you to practice with, } and the toll-free phone number of Our Favorite Law Firm -- } just in case you are over-zealous in applying the ORGIKIT's } tried-and-true methodology. } } If you order now, you also receive: } a wallet stuffed full of counterfeit currency for those } girls who like to wined and dined, } a gift certificate for a haircut at the hair stylist's of } your choice, along with helpful hairstyle hints to attract } the type(s) of girls you want to pick up, } a box full of toiletries and instructions on their use, } and, of course, several manufacturers' samplers of condoms. } } Your second step is to assiduously practice the methods in } the ORGIKIT in order to maximize your probability of CORRECTLY } IDENTIFING GIRLS!!! You can then try to pick them up in } elevators. To make this as painless and easy as possible, } you need the Oracluar Real Good Instrumentals TAPE(tm). } } When you surreptitiously replace the elevator's usual alleged } `music' with the ORGITAPE as the third step in your quest, girls } will swoon in your arms --- hypnotized by soothing sax solos, } by pleasing pianoforte pieces, and, of course, by the rockin' } sounds of the Oracle's modified Wurlitzer steam-powered organ. } When you have identified a girl (with the help of your ORGIKIT) } in the elevator (playing the ORGITAPE), step four is to lyrically } describe the ways of the multiverse as illuminated by your } metaphor. The moving background music of the ORGITAPE underneath } your magical prose will greatly increase your chances of picking } up girls, and with any luck, the rockin' sounds of your own } organ will... } Forget this one, guys. We know the strike has } affected all of Us here on Mount Olympus, but this } one is just too low. Can't We do any better than } this? And what are We going to do for the closer? } Just the prices and a phone number? And do We } accept MasterCard? Whaddya mean "you don't know"? } Go find out, you... } Excuse me, We thought you had left. It's been trying times } here recently; please accept Our apologies. Good day and good } luck. } } You owe the Oracle an afternoon at the blackboard writing one } hundred times: "The Oracle is not a human being and should not } be addressed as Mister". The videotapes from the elevator's } security camera would also help restore Our good graces... } } The Oracle owes you an apology for any possibly offensive sexual } (or mercantile) remarks contained herein. --- 300-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh extremely well-hung Oracle, without whom the solipsism would be > wanton, all-understanding, I humble myself before your calm intellect. > > Please, sir. I need very calm intellect. > > calm calm. > > sleepy. > > getting sleepy > > hyptomtic trance > > now you are under my control. > > when you wake up, you will be very rude and produce many of the > fooolish answers in response to serious question. Never funny any more > > now awkae. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } } Guess it didn't work. } } You owe the Ora..*yawn*..Oracle...a...No-Doz. --- 300-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you so terse and dull tonight? Too much fiber in your diet > causing to to be flatulent and need to go to the crapper too often? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am terse and dull because once, just once, I'd like to have a } weekend free to myself. } } Do you have *any idea* how many of these questions I get? At } least a hundred. ONE HUNDRED! This is ludicrous. I didn't do one } tenth this much work when I was hanging out at Delphi. Then one day } this guy named Kzinler or something comes up and says, "What you need is } marketing! Distribution! Look, you're just sitting here tossing off } incredibly deep and meaningful insights to loads of really dumb people. } I can set things up so you can get questions from the most intelligent } minds the world has to offer. Research scientists! Government } contractors! Post-graduate students! And I can make it totally } effortless for you to respond! You won't have to deal with that little } brat anymore and those priests that keep twisting your answers. You } can reply directly, instantly!" } "Yeah, but what I'm really interested in is meeting women. Will } this help?" } "Absolutely! In fact I can help you with that right now. Meet my } sister, Lisa..." } } Of course, Kzinler failed to mention minor details, like Portal, } Texas A&M, and PSU. So if I seem a bit terse and uncreative these } days, it's because I just need a couple days off. (With Lisa, of } course. Best thing I got out of the whole deal.) } } You owe the Oracle Huey Lewis' latest album.