From oracle-request Wed Jun 26 19:15:39 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 26 Jun 91 19:15:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #319 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 319 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #319 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 26 Jun 91 19:15:39 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 314 22 votes 49810 13891 08833 14881 36580 13396 44842 13765 26a22 47920 314 3.0 mean 2.3 3.3 3.0 3.2 2.8 3.7 2.8 3.5 2.8 2.4 --- 319-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendiferous and salvageable Oracle, she who whines all, I abase > myself before your jovial altar. How come you think that anyone who > would drink milk with snails doesn't have enough brains to eat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle listens, my child, and has deigned to give you your answer.. } } but first, a few short messages... } } Hahhh-hahhh. Hi! I'm Peewee Herman on behalf of National } Unknown Mentally Borderline Slightly Kracked Ugly Losers, Ltd. Maybe } you know someone who is losing wieght rapidly, or who has difficulty } raising a fork to the correct orifice, or who simply couldn't outhink a } paranoid boll weevil with Alzheimer's. We..er, uh, "they" need your } help now. Please dig down deep and give, so that they can dig in. } Thank you. La-lalala! } } "Oh, dear. Beaver!! Drop those snails and come in the house } this minute!" } "Gee, Oracle. What's wrong?" said the Beav, furrowing his brow } in concern. "It's not like like they was dirty or nothin'. I cleaned } 'em with milk like those Paris guys Lumpy was telling me about." } "What in the world does Paris have to do with snails?" } "Well, Lumpy was tellin' me that over there, they got these } Paris guys, and they take snails and swish 'em around in milk and other } stuff. Then they boil 'em with spices and eat 'em." } "Oh, Beaver! Stop that, you're making me ill! Now march right } on up to your room and don't come down until you've decided to stop } these childish games." } } Perhaps enough has been said. } } You owe the oracle a plate of escargot and an American Airlines barf } bag. --- 319-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I asking this bloody stupid question ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Post-hypnotic suggestion. Remember that peculiar man you met at that } party last weekend, the one with the long, black cloak and the } remarkable eyes? Remember how the two of you had that long talk on the } back porch, after you insisted that hypnotism was all nonsense? } Remember how he gave you three hypnotic commands? The first was } triggered this morning; do you realize you came to work today wearing } no underwear? The second required you to ask the Oracle "Why am I } asking this bloody stupid question?" The third is still awaiting the } proper trigger, but believe you me, it's a doozy! } } When you hear the beep, you will delete and expunge this message, and } forget this explanation entirely. } ^G } } Maybe you were just bored? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of tomorrow's local newspaper. --- 319-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bored. Bored. Bored. Is there anything interesting to do in the > world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle knows what you mean. You get so bored that you have the } chutspa to send a question to the Oracle without bothering to grovel } *at all*! } } But not to worry. The Oracle is feeling magnanimous today, and He'll } be glad to answer your question: in truth, there is nothing interesting } to do in the world. Well, there is. But not for you. Clearly there } is only one thing to do: send you to another world! Tell our lucky } supplicant what he's one, Don! } } } Congradulations! You've won an all-expenses-paid trip to the alternate } reality of our choice! Yes, that's right -- you'll be dodging weird } natives, subtley altered customs, and wondering which weirdnesses are } due to diverging time lines, and which are due to just plain weirdness. } } But wait -- there's more! Not only do you get a free trip to a } divergent reality, you get a mystery as well! You can't return to your } original reality until you guess the point of divergence (to the } nearest second will due), and appease the Oracle. } } } Well, enjoy! The Oracle trusts you won't be bored any more. --- 319-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello! > > Can you please help me? > > I am located in Buenos Fwiggies, Palamalalala, and it is very difficult > to locate a company in the United States. > > The company I am looking for is something like "Facking... " > something. They are located in California. The product them sell (in > which I am interested in) is "The Money Machine". It is a voice mail > system, based on a board inside a PC. Which is why it is called "The > Money Machine," because it is for to make them much of money of the > selling of it. > > I will appreciate your help, but not very much > > Regards, > > Manuel Mgklvsuoiey And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Mgklvsuoiey, } } Thank you for your interest in the newest product from Facking } Something, Incorporated, "The Money Machine." Your inquiry was passed } along to us by our mutual friend, Mr. The Oracle. We are sure that the } enclosed information will lead you to the conclusion that "The Money } Machine" is the product for thriving, growing companies like yours! } } We hope to receive your check soon. } } For your convenience, this letter has been translated into your quaint } native language, Palamalalalalalan, by our highly-qualified staff } translator. } *** } } Thanking of you for to be being with interest in Facking Something The } Money Machine thing. The Oracle being of to us giving letter of you. } Buy-it-papers of us to you given; you will of it liking much sure } thing! } } Money of you to us much. } *** } } P.S. The Oracle having of you five handsful naked slave girls. --- 319-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh mighty oracle, please tell me, > why is my comp tutor such a bloody wimp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a dark and stormy night. The flickering of computer terminals } lit the night intermittently like flashes of lightning. Amid an array } of hard drives, printouts, and takeout Chinese food containers sat the } hacker. } } "Flash! Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the } Earth!!" } } Flash patted the black box, a fiber optic link connecting him from MIT } to Wanda in New Zealand. } } "I got it baby!" he typed. "Full access, full authority! Right now } I've got the entire system in the palm of my hand!" Flash had plenty } of time to stop the nuclear countdown, change into his mild-mannered } disguise, and go tutor some idiot in computers. } } BAM BAM BAM!! "Open up in there, this is the FBI!" } } Uh-oh. Flash stood and hefted his portable, but there was nowhere to } hide. He was on the 5th floor, a long jump down. Thinking quickly, he } hid inside the refigerator. } } CRASH!! Men came streaming into the room. One sat down at the terminal } and typed, looking for clues. On the terminal, Flash had left the AI } program "ELIZA" running: } } GIVE ME A LIST OF ALL PROGRAMS RUN } } Is it because of your plans that you say give you a list of all } programs run? } } THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. JUST TELL ME WHERE THE KID WENT. } } Maybe your life have something to do with this. } } ARE YOU THREATENING ME? } } What makes you believe are me threatening you? } } YOU DON'T SCARE ME. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. } } This is not a healthy way of thinking. } } Sensing an immediate threat, the man pulled out his gun and fired } several times into the monitor, causing an enormously loud implosion. } Believing there was cross fire, all the FBI agents started shooting } everywhere, and everything, including each other. } } This is what is known as terminal stupidity. } } Fortunately, refigerators are bulletproof. Dialed up over a cellular } phone, Flash completed his infiltration and stopped the virus. He } slurped a six-pack of Coke that was convenient, and left the mess for } the CP's to clean up. He had an appointment at Mary's. } } The Oracle wants to know why its archaeology professor Jones is such a } wimp. --- 319-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hmm, if you're all-knowing, you know what question I'm going to ask > long before I ask it. With such knowledge, you can time the answers to > arrive the second after I've sent the questions. Why, therefore, must I > wait hours for an answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, bub. There ain't no question as to whether or not I'm } all-knowing. I am, got it? For instance, I know that you harbor } ill-will toward your old high school english teacher because she read } one of your papers aloud in class and announced its grade, "D-." But } you've also awakened in a pool of sweat after dreams in which you and } she were committing unnatural acts involving vegetables and fruit -- a } secret you've never told anyone, which is now in print for everyone to } read. } } So, now that the cat's out of the bag, Smartypants, on to your } question. You are correct on all your assumptions. I know your } questions before you even ask them. In fact, I know your questions } before you even think them. I know your questions before you have any } idea that you do indeed have questions. I know everything. It's what } I do. } } Not only am I omniscient, I'm omnipresent -- everywhere at once, and } sitting in your lap even as you read this (kiss, kiss!) -- and } omnipotent, my personal favorite of the "omnis." } } So here's the deal. I could indeed send you the answer to your } question the second after you ask it. I could even send you the answer } the day BEFORE you ask it. I could've sent the answer to your question } before you were even born. But if I did that, I wouldn't have the } opportunity to deride you in a public forum read by your peers. And } where's the fun in that? } } You're probably expecting some profound answer such as "Humble } supplicant, thou must learn patience. Patience is virtue in all } things. Thou must learn patience in order to appreciate the full } significance of being," or some other godly-sounding horsepoop like } that. But that's not the real reason. } } The real reason is: I write slowly because I know you can't read fast. } } You owe the Oracle a Mickey Mouse sundial. --- 319-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and great Oracle, tell me this: > Which is the nastier of the two: Ansarian or Ranintia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it kinda depends upon the time of the month. For 25 out of every } 28 days, Ansarian is the nastier. For 3 days, Ranintia is. (You } figure out the reason.) } } You owe the Oracle a cure for bloating. --- 319-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Also --- as a follow-on to the last question, sort of, if I feed the > timber wolf a bar of soap, will he (Jim, not the wolf) stop seducing > everyone I know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends on the type of soap you feed it. If you use Ivory, he will } seduce all while floating on water. If it's Zest, his seduction will } lack that annoying filmy quality. If Caress, the seduction will occur } before dressing, and a bar of Tone will leave a soft, slimy feeling on } the seductee's skin. Only a bar of Lava will stop the problem. } } You owe the Oracle a family-pack of Dial. I wish everybody did. --- 319-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oaracle, whose knowledge transcends time and space, answer me this > question and remove my burden. > > Why is almost every publication put out in any given month, labeled > with as a month two or three months into the future ? Is this the > secret of time-travel finally unraveled ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, it's just a parade of time and life. --- 319-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo. > > Lissen, Orcle, I gotta know sumpin. 'zit true dat gittin hit > in da head, ya know, kills off you brain? Lookit Ali, for > chrissakes. Or was it das diffy q's? Was he doin' dem? Maybe > graph t'eory. Dat could be it, but poycenally, I tink he sim'lated > a Turin' machine one too many times, knowwhutimean? > > Rcky And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Awright - lissen , an' lissen good. Ali waz az great az dey get - } knowhutImean? The 'ting is is dat nobody ever knew how much of a math } guy Ali wuz. Dat guy could give yous a formula for a X-Dimenshunal } space in between rounds wif Joe Foreman. 'Ting was is dat Ali never } found no money in postulatin' math and stuck wid boxin'. It wuz only } aftah he stopped fightin dat he tried to teach multi-variable-calc, but } he wuz overrun by a bunch of weenie grad students who pestuhed him for } auteographs and such and he eventually gave up hiz TA job at Berkeley - } much to da chagrin of the depatment. So it wuz more of a combination } of da two - but both have been provin' to be jus az damagin to a guys } sensitive cranium. } } Rcky you owe de Oracle dat lucky horshoe you been keepin in your glove.