From oracle-request Fri Jul 19 12:13:42 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 12:13:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #328 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 328 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #328 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 12:13:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 328-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grovel, grovel, grovel. Oracle, why do guys in bars go up to women and > say stupid things like, "Gawd, you have big t-ts!!!" as if they (the > voluptuous women) didn't know that already!!!??? I mean really, why > ARE men so dumb?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, this isn't a question of being smart or being dumb, the } simple truth is that three hundred years ago (314, to be exact), all } the men in the world agreed to use only lines from a standardized list } of pick-up lines. Originally, there were over 47,000 of them, so } repetition wasn't a problem at all. The problem is that most of these } lines just didn't work at all, and were dropped. Deleted were classics } such as: } } "Did you know brocolli is a source of eight important vitamins and } minerals." } } and } } "Pardon me, but I have Syphillus and would really like to get to know } you better." } } Nowadays, only fourteen of the original lines are still in existence. } These are: } } "Say, have I seen you around here before?" } "What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" } "Admire my schlong." } "Gawd, you have big tits." (your favorite) } "Hi, my name is Ted Kennedy." } "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I just don't feel like being alone } for the next fifteen minutes." } "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like someone I once } knew?" } "Did I say that I can hold my breath for ten minutes?" } "You know, your eyes are the most beautiful shade of plaid." } "What's your sign? Besides 'Smoking' that is." } "Excuse me miss, maybe you know. How should I spend the seventy } million I just won in the lottery?" } "Do you believe in fate? _Fatal Attraction_ then?" } "Normally, I never go to bars myself..." } "Bond, James Bond." } } Now be sure and destroy this list as soon as you read it, because at } all costs, this list must be kept from the general public, otherwise } population growth would grind to a halt, and chaos would ensue. Can't } have that happening, can we? } } As payment, you have to tell the Oracle why women always go to the } bathroom in groups. --- 328-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did Corazon Aquino set off Mt. Pinotubo on purpose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You sniveling mortal! How dare you ask a question of the Oracle } without appropriately humbling yourself! How dare you think of } your self so highly that you may ask of the Oracle, without first } demonstrating your appreciation for the gifts the Oracle bestows } upon miserable humanity! } } THE ORACLE IS NOT PLEASED!!! } } RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE } } FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ORACLE AS THE GROUND MOVES BENEATH YOUR FEET, } AND THE MOUNTAINS START TO SPEW ASH, NOXIOUS FUMES, AND MOLTEN } DEATH UPON YOUR PEOPLE! } } (Come to think of it, this is the same thing that happened to } Mt. Pinotubo) } } You owe the Oracle a Lava Lamp. --- 328-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and asexual Oracle, please tell me this thing. I am constantly > being pursued by CS freshmen and sophomores, mostly students in the > class I TA. They're all alike and all very boring. I can get rid of > them individually, but I'd really like to get rid of the phenomenon. > How can I do so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gosh, am I really asexual? Lemme check my report card (flip, flip, } flip) . . . Ah, here it is: } } Wisdom: A } Knowledge: A } Disposition: C- } Sex: A } } Yeah, I guess I am . . . of course, Ms. Athena (the Goddess of Third } Grade) was an old softy - had I been in Ms. Minerva's class, } undoubtably I would now be washing amphorae somewhere, instead of } answering Questions. } } Anyway, I do have the qualifications to answer your Question, so here } goes: } } 1) Dig a pit behind yourself (yes, I know it's difficult to operate } a shovel behind your own back, but I never promised this would be } easy). } } 2) Fill said pit with either a) crocodiles, or b) burning gasoline (do } *not* fill it with both - it is cruel to the crocodiles and lowers the } octane rating of the gasoline). If crocodiles are unobtainable, } alligators may be substituted, provided that they *think* that they } are crocodiles. } } 3) Those students who attempt to follow you will fall into the pit. } This sets up a process of natural selection - within the next five } million years, the student population will have aquired one of the } following two traits: } } a) The lack of any desire whatsoever to follow you, or } } b) The ability to survive a fall into a pit of crocodiles/petrol. } } The former possibility is, of course, the most desirable, but in the } latter case, you can at least be sure that the students are not all } "the same" - they will most assuredly be quite different from what } they *were* five million years back. } } You owe the Oracle a gasoline t-shirt. --- 328-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the ancient hidden story? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite a shameful lack of brown-nosing, I will tell you the story. I } have been dying to tell it for years, and you seem to be a deserving, } but arrogant, soul. } } "Once upon a time, there was a fellow named..." } } Wait! You are not going to tell him "The Ancient Hidden } Story?" Are you? } } Uh, yeah. Why not? } } It is too powerful for a mere mortal. It will turn his brains } into fine grade mush. } } Sure, but it will be highly literate mush. It seems like a fair trade } to me. } } "a fellow named Harly." } } Burt. } } What's Burt? } } The name is Burt, not Harly. } } Burt, Harly, it does NOT make any difference. Fine, Burt it is. } } "a fellow named Burt." Happy? "Burt lived on a small farm with his } wife, children, and farm animals. They loved each other dearly." } } That is totally sick. } } What are you talking about? } } Incest and beastiality. This story is getting better by the } second. I can not wait to see where it goes from here. } } You filthy pervert! I meant love in a nice, warm way. Except, of } course, between Burt and his wife. Their love is more, ah, intimate, } but the children and animals are not involved in that part! You } understand? OK. } } "One day Burt discovered a shiny, copper coin in his field." } } Let me get this straight. Burt discovered a "shiny, copper } coin" in the dirt? How long had it been there? } } I don't know how long! Who cares! } } Copper corrodes very easily. If you had said "a green, } encrusted coin which might contain copper," then I would } believe you. } } It's a magic coin, see? Magic coins don't rust! } } Ah, a magic coin. That makes sense. I fully understand. } Please continue. } } Sigh... "As he reached down to grab the coin, a worm peeped up out of } the soil. The worm said..." } } A talking worm. Magical, no doubt. } } No doubt... "The worm said, 'please do not take my coin. It is my } last coin.'" } } The worm had owned several coins? How did he carry them? What } did he spend them on? Is there a secret economy among talking } worms? Was there an exchange rate between human currency and } worm coins? How did the worms make the coins? Why were the } coins magical? What did the coins do? How did the coin get } into the field? Is there a point to this story? Does it ever } end? It does seem to be a very long story. Are you finished } yet? } } Shut up! Shut up! Forget it. That was the end of the story. Not } very exciting, but it made a deep commentary on the failure of the } modern agricultural/political inferface. } } You owe the Oracle a word in edgewise. --- 328-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help I've fallen and I can't get up! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Rushes to the telephone) } } (Dials 000 or 911 or whatever the emergency number is } in your area) } } "Police, fire or ambulance?" } } "Ambulance, someone is hurt, quickly!!" } } "Putting you through." } } (Sounds of phone connections being made) } } "Ambulance service, address please." } } "Uh, well, somewhere on the net?" } } "Can you do better than that please sir?" } } "Uh, you could try Indiana..." } } "We'll do that sir. An ambulance is on its way. } Now sir, what is the nature of the accident?" } } "I thought you said the ambulance was already } on its way." } } "We radio them sir. Standard procedure. Now, } number of persons requiring treatment?" } } "One. I think." } } "And what attention does this person require?" } } "Uh, not sure. They've fallen over and can't get } up, I'm afraid that's all I know." } } "Fallen over. Is this person pregnant sir?" } } "I don't know, sorry." } } "Elderly, possibility of hip fracture?" } } "Don't know, sorry." } } "And you said they've fallen over in a net." } } "No, on the net." } } "Yes, sir. Our crew has arrived in Indiana, } sir, can you give a more precise location?" } } "Try the University. On the Vax I think. The } Computer." } } "Thankyou sir. That will do sir. Give us your } number and we'll let you know how things go." } } (Gives number) } } (Time passes) } } (Men in dark blue overalls arrive and another } with a white coat and a syringe. Capture is } effected and the local asylum gains a new } patient) } } "The net. It's an electronic entity, I tell you!" } } (Protests are ignored. Sedation occurs) } } --- I hope you're pleased with yourself --- } --- You owe the Oracle a visit --- --- 328-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose knowledge of things to be is only surpassed by > your knowledge of things that have been, please answer my humble > question: > > Since the turn of the century until recently, the trend in female > underclothes has been clear: less and less of them for each year. > First women stopped wearing corsets, then more and more items of > lingerie fell into disuse, until it culminated with feminsts burning > their bras in the seventies. In the last decade or so, the trend seems > to have reversed itself, though; lingerie seems to be quite in now > (maybe thanks to Madonna). > > What will happen in the future - what kind of underwear will women > wear in a hundred years, say? Is it OK to let the heroine of an SF > novel set in the 26th century wear 1990-style panties and bra? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O WOW!!! IT SENDS BACK A QUESTION!!! NEAT! I WONDER WHERE I CAN GET A } COPY OF THE SOURCE CODE FOR THE ORACLE... I WANT TO SET MY OWN UP ON } MY BROTHERS COMPUTER. HE HAS ALOT OF NEAT WAREZ, BUT NOTHING LIEK } THIS... } } AM I SUUPOSED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION??? IT SEEM SLIKE A TOUGH ONE!!! } I DUNNO THAT MUCH ABOUT THAT STUFF, BUT SOMETIMES MY FRIENDS AND I } LOOK AT PLAYBOY. THEY DON"T USE LONJERAY TOO MUCH IN THERE... } } I"LL JUST GUESS ADN SAY THAT IN THE FUTURE EVERYBODYWIULL BE DEAD, SO } IT DOESN"T MATTER. } } DO I GET TO ASK FOPR SOMETHING?? } } OK. YOU OWE ME 100 BUCKS. PAY UP NOW, OR ELSE. } } BIFF --- 328-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Think a Duran Duran reunion might happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Riolly, of all the Big Things you could ask that's one of the silliest. } In fact, I was talking to someone yesterday, and All She Wants Is a } Duran reunion - she didn't even want me (she told me, "I Don't Want } Your Love"). I told her I was offering her anything on Planet Earth, } but she looked at me with A View To A Kill and said that I ought to get } rid of my collection of Girls On Film before she'd consider it. She } tried to slap my face but with The Reflex action that's seen me this } far I grabbed her arm and asked, "Is There Something I Should Know"? } But she just ignored me and went to play pinball in a nearby Arcadia. } "Oh well," I thought, "Some Like It Hot ..." Since then I've tried to } wear the jacket she bought me once, but it's shrunk in the wash and I } can't Get It On any more. } } You owe the Oracle a sentence containing "Seven And The Ragged Tiger". --- 328-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most expert in spifficazation and matters tonsorial, please tell > this unspiffy supplicant: > > Where can I get some Spiff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spiff can be very hard to find. The easiest way to get hold of some is } to make it yourself. } } Simply take a liberally greased banana and feed it to a baby gibbon. } While the gibbon is eating the banana shave one square inch of fur from } the back of its neck. Add this to a pot of boiling salted water and } gently simmer for twelve minutes. Strain and add 3 oz. corn flakes, } half a pint of semi-skimmed milk, two egg yolks, a toad of not less } than 4 inches in length and 6 oz. fresh gelignite (frozen gelignite } doesn't give such good results.) Microwave at full power for 4 minutes, } and half power for a further 6 (times based on 650W oven), douse with 7 } fl. oz. brandy and leave overnight in the refrigerator to marinade. } Next morning, garnish with whipped cream and apply a match. Pick } yourself out of the rubble and examine the remains - you should find a } patch of lightly glowing Spiff. } } Alternatively, you can get some with every four litres of oil at a } Shell station. } } You owe the Oracle Mexico. --- 328-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and supremely supreme oracle, Please, let Me know, > > What is the best computer programming language, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble Thupplicant-- } } Ath all thervants of electronic deitieth know, there ith only one } _true_ language. Ath for why I, the greatetht of all thuch deitieth, } prefer it...no spethial reason; just naturally parthial to it, I gueth. } } You owe the Oracle a boxth of parenthetheth and a dry towel. --- 328-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wise and brave, to whom all bow in subserviance... > Oh Oracle whose masterfull potency ignitates all net.chicks... > > What do I have to do to get Paula Abdul? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Ignitates? That's an interesting way of putting it...) } } Straight Up now, as you trying to get the delectable Paula Abdul to be } Forever Your Girl, you must remember that as Opposites Attract, your } State Of Attraction must not be Cold Hearted. You'll be Knocked Out } when she is Next To You. } } The unfortunate news I have for you is that Paula Abdul is not for } you. Remember that slightly overweight redhead that you saw } yesterday? After a series of misadventures, including the use of } various kitchen implements, you'll end up marrying her. You'll have } three kids, all growing up to be anti-government activists. } } You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Paula Abdul video clips.