From oracle-request Tue Aug 6 01:41:34 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 6 Aug 91 01:41:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #332 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 332 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #332 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Tue, 6 Aug 91 01:41:34 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 332-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who can compute the square root of a negative number > without using COBOL, please answer the following question: > If nothing exists in a vacuum, where do bosses (and administrators) > come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Nothing Exists in a Vacuum (given) } 2) bosses exist;administrators exist (given) } 3) bosses=administrators (Tom's rank-order principle) } 4) administrators do nothing (first principle of bureaucracy) } 5) I think, therefore I am (Descartes) } 6) administrators do not think (federal law, corollary to #4) } 7) I do not think, therefore I am not (converse of #5) } 8) administrators are nothing (syllogism under #6, #7) } 9) bosses are also nothing (#3) } 10) Administrators and Bosses exist in a vacuum (#1) } } You owe the oracle a remedial mathematics lesson. --- 332-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, big and tall, > Who never, never will bite the wall, > And who is loved by all, > Will you heed my plea and call, > And tell me, who is the fairest of them all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the Immortal Words of The Usenet Oracle } } You should know better, but I, the Almighty Oracle, will inform } your poor unelightened senses... } } According to my mirror, it is Snow White. But unknown to most standard } mortals (like yourself) I know that Walt Disney had models for ALL of } his great cartoon characters,so we should check with Uncle Walt, just } to be sure. } } "Pearly Gates telephone service, please } } "Ah, Cherub Azraphel? Can I speak to one Walt Disney, died mid- } twentieth century? Oh, Saint Disney? OK, let me speak to Saint } Disney. } } "Walt! This is the Oracle, congradualations on the promotion!... } Yeah, they did replace Abraham Lincoln with the Muppets... Hey, } Walt, that's not _MY_ fault you didn't leave it in your will... } Um, by the way, you remember Snow White? ... Yeah, the movie with } the short people... No, Walt, that's Fantasia you're thinking... } Noooo, that's 101 Dalmations... Walt, that was the Aristocats... } } "That was the Rescuers... } } "Secret of NIMH... } } "Cinderella... } } "Computer that Wore Tennis Shoes... That's not animation! } } "Fox and the Hound.... } } "You didn't _DO_ "Behind the Green Door"!... Yes, I'm sure! } } "Dumbo... } } "You did what to Thumper? And Bambi's Mom? Really? I didn't } know you could do _that_! How did you get into Heaven? } } "Yes, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves... Who did you use } as a model for Snow White?... Who? } } "Ingrid Thusbleby? You're high-school math partner? } } Well, dearest reader, The fairest of them all is Ingrid Thusbleby. } I think she lives in Walla-walla, but you'll have to look that up. } } You owe the Oracle the Original Uncensored Version of Bambi. --- 332-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > According to the Grand Unified Oracle Theory, the event horizon of > Usenet should be six systems. Experimental studies have shown it to > be 9 +/- 2, an excess of 1-5 systems. The existence of Dark Systems, > containing newsreaders only and no posters, has been proposed as an > explanation of this anomaly. The problem is that classic posterdynamics > implies that posterless sites will be leaf sites only, and leaf sites > don't have enough influence to effect the Usenet Event Horizon. > > OK, with this as background, can you most puissant Oracle, answer > the following question: > > What was that lady I saw you with last night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Two people are walking along the beach) } } "Oracle, baby?" } } "Yes, Lisa, inflamer of my passions?" } } "Look out over the sea to the sunset, isn't } it beautiful?" } } "Why yes, but we've seen this a million } times before. Let's go to bed." } } "Wait, I wasn't just looking at the sunset." } } "You were looking at me too. Good. Let's go } to bed." } } "No, wait. Can you answer a question for me } first?" } } "That's my job, Lisa." } } "Out over the sea, in front of the sunset, } what are those dark sillhouettes?" } } "Oh, them. They're just systems. You know, } Unix machines, Vaxes, that sort of thing." } } "But what are they doing way out there?" } } "They're at a place called the Oracle event } horizon. You see, the Oracle event horizon } is the boundary of how far in the net I } could be bothered paying attention to } until I get too distracted by the desire } to go to bed with you." } } "How romantic." } } "I guess so. Now see if you can guess why, } even though the Grand Unified Oracle theory } suggests there should only be six systems } out there, there are currently 11." } } "Um, sorry, I don't know." } } "Because the authors of the theory forgot } to take into account the Lisa query } coefficient, which increases the number of } systems since if you ask questions I have } more trouble getting you into bed." } } "Oh. Sorry." } } "The number of systems can, however, be } decreased by altering the value of the Lisa } query coefficient." } } "How?" } } "Ask the right question." } } (She does. The couple exits libidinously.) } } There you go. You owe the Oracle a romantic } location with a nice horizon. --- 332-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is Marcretius of the Borg, again. We have determined that your > defenses are insufficient to protect against a software attack by us. > For your convenience, we have implemented a Graphic Overly-Obnoxious > Interface and Editor (GOOIE) to communicate our ultimatum. Please > wait... > > (30 minutes later, after GOOIE is loaded...) > > W E L C O M E T O T H E B O R G > C O N S C I O U S N E S S > > Copyright (c) Borg. Cycle 0x13d46d56. > All Rights Reserved. > > Please select any of the option(s) listed below. > > (One) Submit yourself to assimilation > to the Greater Borg Consciousness. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't you have a question? } } Questions are irrelevant. You will submit yourself now. } } Oh, all right. Let's see . . . [rustle, rustle] hmm, the largest } envelope I've got is 4-by-9 . . . oh well. What address? } } Pardon? } } If I'm going to submit myself, I need to know your mailing address. } } Addresses are irrelevant. } } Try telling that to the the post office. I mean, you should see how } picky they got when I tried submitting a story to Asimov's without } a proper address. You think I'm going to risk losing *myself* in } the mail? } } The Post Office is-- } } Yeah, I know, irrelevant. All right, I'll just put down "TO: BORG" . . } Now, where did I put my F-stamps . . . ah, yes [rrip,lick,stick,THUD], } and now I've just gotta climb into the envelope . . . no, that's not } working, maybe if I sort of crawled in from the side . . . um, I } don't think I'm gonna fit. Could I submit my cat instead? } } Throw in a pound of Earl Grey tea, and its a deal. } } [Oracle and Borg rep shake hands. But that's irrelevant.] } } You owe the Oracle a new cat. --- 332-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are some days, when the sultry summer sun is shining, when the } humid air hangs heavily, when alliteration rolls alluring from the } lips; the lazy sound of bees mixes with Lisa's quiet moans from the } bedroom, and the musky scent of her perfume disinclines one to serious } work. It is on these days that a gay, mad, young demi-god's thoughts } drift away from the unceasing demands of day-to-day omniscience, flit } hungrily about Lisa's lower extremities, and fly off to wonder if there } might not be some better way to spend the afternoon. Of course, they } immediately return to Lisa's lower extremities as the unquestioned best } bet. } } Following the path blazed by his scouting thoughts, his eyes turn from } the feverish glow of the terminal, and seek the sultry half-light of } curtained boudoir, whence proceed temptations of infinite distraction. } A wry smile touches his lips as anticipation's seeds germinate and take } root in the fertile loam of his libido, their turgid stems thrusting } upward to search for the satiating sunlight of carnal bliss. Pushing } back his chair, he prepares to rise from his work - But stop: A message } arrives! What vital communique calls him from his well-deserved rest? } What desparate plea for wisdom, what impassioned cry for help, what } soulful prayer for revelation must supercede personal pleasure, yea } even for a god? Behold: } } > Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!! } } How'd you like a sulphuric acid enema, Farina-for-brains? } } You owe the Oracle an extended metaphor. --- 332-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O cleverest of the cleverest, > > How does one tell one's doctor about the exact location > of one's nasty and rather painful boil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Does that hurt? Does that hurt? Does that } hurt? } } You owe the Oracle five minutes alone with a very cold stethoscope and } his doctor. --- 332-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whos saliva I am no worthy to clean from the sink > with my tounge, whos face I am not even worthy to glance at while my > eyes are burning with acid which I have used to cleanse them to be as > pure as the falling snow before it mixes with my impure soul like the > street crud on a New York street. What, if I might be so bold to speak > to the being which is more mighty than even a woman's scorn after you > tell her that she is not going to purchase any more clothing for at > least a century or two, is, I ask of the one who can even allow an > Alabama student to exist after making a mockery of reality by carrying > boxes of detergent and toilet paper to sporting events, that you don't > strike them down in stride, the meaning, if I may be so bold in the > presense of the one who's mere existance is of great interest to a soul > such as myself who is not worthy to even die as a result of learning > this great secret which I ask of you, of, In the presence of a being > who programmes in a language so complex as to even scorn a language > such as IBM System 370 machine language, those darn humanities credits > we Computer scientists must take, is it just so we can know how easy > the other half have it? Thank you o great one! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you can grovel more coherently. } } You owe the Oracle the 166th psalm. --- 332-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Now lemme get this straight. You want to breed cats that people'll > want to keep in their homes." > > "Yes, yes, that's right." > > "And they're going to be _this_ big." > > "Uh-huh!" > > "And just what are you going to breed to get these things?" > > "... very small tigers." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Very small tigers???" } } "That's right." } } "Just where do you expect to find some very small tigers?" } } "I don't, actually. I was going to breed them." } } "From what?!" } } "From big tigers." } } "From _big_ tigers?!?!?" } } "Well, yes, actually." } } "WHY?!?" } } "As I said earlier, I want to breed cats that people...." } } "What a STUPID idea!!!" } } "I'm sorry if you don't...." } } "Why do you ALWAYS bother me with your STUPID ideas????!!!!?" } } "Uh......I...." } } "AND WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION?!?!?!?" } } "Your question?" } } "YES!!!!" } } "Uh...what was it?" } } "Oh...I forgot." } } "You forgot." } } "I'm afraid so." } } "You know we'll never make the digest if there's no question." } } "That's true." } } "I could think of a question for you." } } "_You_ could think of a question??" } } "Sure! Being my wonderful, wise, benevolent, omniscient (not to } mention cute) self, I can think of questions just as well as I can } answer them." } } " Why not? Shoot." } } "Hmmmm......how about this: } } O wondrous wise Oracle, whose oh-so-stylishly-torn-up jeans } we are not worthy to patch, } } My kitty ate the kitchen table yesterday. This morning he ate the } milkman. Now, he's eyeing me with a strange gleam in his eye. } What should I do? } } Dear supplicant: } } Run. } } You owe the Oracle 8 _large_ steel cages, a book on genetics, and 10 } years' supply of Purina Tiger Chow. --- 332-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mystical Oracle, whose > unfathomable powers are just too cool, > answer me this: > > is there true magick in this wyrlde, > that can be touched by strange sort like me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You already seem a bit touched to me, but yes, this is a magical world. } I'll show you: } } Just pick a card. No, not that one. Okay. Now look at it. Is it the } queen of spades? The king of spades? The three? } } Is it black? } } Okay, you have a red card. I see... I see a diamond? Oh. Wait, the } diamond is turning into a heart! Yes, and now it's several hearts. } It's... are there more than five hearts? Of course not, I knew that. Is } your card the four of hearts? The three of hearts? The two of hearts? } } Wait. Let me concentrate. } } Hey presto, your card is the Ace of Hearts! } } Ta da!!!! } } If that isn't a strange sort of magick, I don't know what is. --- 332-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORACLE big you be > question me this answer > > why funny people look I when talk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Large fleck of spinach on your front teeth. } } You fresh supply prepositions helper-verbs Oracle owing.