From oracle-request Thu Aug 15 09:15:31 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 15 Aug 91 09:15:31 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #335 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 335 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #335 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 15 Aug 91 09:15:31 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 322 13 votes 34330 23431 32530 23431 34411 14521 22441 33331 50530 41332 322 2.7 mean 2.5 2.8 2.6 2.8 2.5 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.5 2.8 323 14 votes 22541 31442 26231 13451 02363 33530 12731 12263 56210 23441 323 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 2.6 3.1 3.7 2.6 3.1 3.6 1.9 2.9 324 17 votes 47330 54422 60452 14435 1a510 21752 23741 123b0 26720 29420 324 2.8 mean 2.3 2.5 2.8 3.4 2.4 3.2 2.9 3.4 2.5 2.4 325 14 votes 05441 04415 24242 62141 21551 01652 10634 24332 14801 07322 325 3.1 mean 3.1 3.5 3.0 2.4 3.1 3.6 3.6 2.9 2.7 2.9 326 15 votes 23163 02445 34422 18411 61440 12453 34512 02247 12372 25350 326 3.1 mean 3.3 3.8 2.7 2.5 2.4 3.5 2.7 4.1 3.5 2.7 327 14 votes 2a200 26420 02552 35510 13910 03443 36500 23522 22433 26231 327 2.7 mean 2.0 2.4 3.5 2.3 2.7 3.5 2.1 2.9 3.2 2.6 328 14 votes 03245 45311 15611 03542 24404 33341 36212 16331 04334 37202 328 2.9 mean 3.8 2.3 2.7 3.4 3.0 2.8 2.5 2.8 3.5 2.4 329 15 votes 19320 13641 24423 15432 01752 34422 34332 11373 25431 34242 329 3.0 mean 2.4 3.1 3.0 3.0 3.5 2.7 2.8 3.7 2.7 2.9 330 11 votes 16301 36200 13520 13241 32420 01451 02531 10523 11234 14150 330 3.0 mean 2.5 1.9 2.7 3.1 2.5 3.5 3.3 3.5 3.7 2.9 --- 335-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest honest Oracle- > > When I was young my parents always said that I was at that difficult > age. 20+ years on I am still at that "difficult age". Tell me, what is > that difficult age, what is the time span and what do you do to make > them realise that it IS that difficult age ?????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me start by saying that "honest Oracle" is a very poor attempt at } groveling, but I'll forgive you this one time, because you're at that } difficult age... } } But seriously, folks. } } "That difficult age" is a phrase parents many generations ago coined to } express their utter dismay and disappointment with their children. It } goes along with phrases like "What am I going to do with you?," which } is actually a rhetorical question that translates into "At this moment, } nothing would please me more than to kick your butt to China and back." } } These phrases are similar to the ones parents use to console eachother. } For example, parents try to soothe eachother by saying "Oh, he's just } going through a phase.," when what they really mean is "Honey, we've } conceived the Anti-Christ." That's why so many parents walk around } with this hollow-eyed glaze that looks like they've just taken a long, } hard stare directly into the Gates of Hell. They have. That's what } parenthood is all about. Anyone who thinks differently obviously } hasn't read "Calvin and Hobbes." } } Anyway, back to your question. } } "At that difficult age" is really a misnomer. That conveys the message } that you, as an individual, are somehow responsible for the trauma in } your life to yourself and those around you. That concept is simply too } limited, typical of the mortal need to blame the individual. The truth } of the matter is that what seems difficult to you mortals, which you } bring down to the individual level, is actually a symptom of a greater } disease that involves the whole Time/Space Fabric. Unfortunately, the } situation is far too complex for your mortal mind to understand. } } So, to satisfy your need to break this phenomenon down into time } periods, it would be more accurate to say "IN that difficult age." You } are living IN that difficult age, which you call the Age of } Information. The Age of Information was preceeded by the Industrial } Age, which was "that arduous age." Before that was the Age of } Agriculture, which was "that not-very-easy age." That was right after } the Iron Age, which was the "tough-but-getting better age." Which } followed the Stone Age, which was "that amazingly strange and } frightening age which has a tendency to confuse many of us with less } developed cranial capacity." That was preceeded by a time period known } roughly as "The Age of Combining Various Grunts and Growls Into } Slightly More Complex Grunts and Growls with Little Meaning Attached to } Them at this Point." There's little value in going much beyond that. } } So, there really isn't much you or your parents can do about it. } You're living in The Age of Information, that difficult age. The Age } of Information isn't scheduled to end until the year 2185, long after } you're dead and gone. But you should feel happy, because The Age of } Information is followed by The Age of Doom, and that's REALLY gonna } suck. } } You owe The Oracle a time belt that doesn't pinch at the waist. --- 335-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Der Oracle: > > I am now Zyglap from Planet Vixxronn. Exclaim to me how to cook > Earth humans from deploding exvironmentally? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Planet Vixxronn, well known among linguists for its context-free } natural languages (or was that content free?). Deploding } environmentally while cooking Earth humans is easy enough. Just step } into this small chamber (that's right, the one labelled "Amana"). You } decide on a recipe while old Uncle Oracle sets the controls; hmmm, five } minutes at high power should be just about right. Comfy? Ok, here we } go. You should deplode environmentally in about two minutes. This is a } fine example of cooking as practiced by Earth humans. What's that? } Mistake? No, no mistake; you expressed yourself beautifully, really a } wonderful command of the language. } } (PLOP!) } } You owe the Oracle a damp cloth, to clean up the mess. --- 335-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings, Salutations and Small Furry Rodents Rectally-Inserted > into Celebrities, O great Oracle! > > Tell me, how's that everytime I stop typing into the computer, > my screen goes blank and a small slinky type of thing begins > to bounce all around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, ya got trouble my friend. Right here in City. That's trouble with a capital 'T' and that } rhymes with 'V' and that stands for 'Virus.' Why sure I'm a slinky } player. Always mighty proud to say, "I'm always mighty proud to say } it." Why I consider the hours I spend with a slinky to be golden. } Help me cultivate horse sense with a cool head and a keen eye. Ever } get one to walk down the stairs? But I'm afriad you have a new strain } of virus in your computer. One of the worst and nastiest strains of } viri. Disguised as the ever popular "It's Slinky, It's Slinky, Slinky } the wonderful toy." It as been able to infiltrate the computer of } millions. What you must do is move the cursor so that the two ends of } the slinky touch, thus getting them horribly tangled (something most } kids do only hours after getting one) thus rendering it harmless. } } You owe the oracle one Etch-a-Sketch. } file --- 335-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracular-type being, who spans the infinite galaxies and plays > tinkertoys with the cosmos, who with a minor gaseous expulsion can > obliterate large quantities of space, and stuff, and oh GOSH you're > great, and, uh, um, your holiness, your wonderfullness, you > soworthyofworshipthatiforgetwhattosayfulness- > > I have been offered two jobs. One pays twice as well as the other. No > kidding. One is in Southern Florida, and one is in the hellhole where I > now reside. Naturally, the one with better pay is here. Misery pay, I > guess. The question iwhich job should I take? I have been told that > I'd be happier working for the company in Florida, but I REALLY like > money. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What you need, m'boy, is the Employment Satisfaction & Comfort Quotient } (EmpSCoq). Works like this: Take your proposed annual pay (AnPa) } multiplied by the Regional Cost of Living Normalization Factor } (RegCoLiNFac), which can be determined from schedule 6734-b (page 2, } and see page 112 of instructions), taking account of your Permanent, } Semi-permanent, or Temporary Co-habitation Unit Composition } (PeSempTeCoUC). Now, compute your Regional Personal Preference Factor } (RePePreF), which is the sum of the Personal/Regional Meteorological } Comfort Quotient (PerRegMeCoQ), Social Interaction Probability Quotient } (SIProQ), and Regional Cuisine Assimilation Grade (ReCAssiG). Be } certain to take account of your Relocation Expense and Hardship } Adjustment (RelExHA) and Sociological Displacement Cost (SoDisC). } Transfer the result on line 17 to line 43 of form 3221A, and follow the } instructions from page 74 to 86. Repeat for each job offer, and compare } the results. } } You owe the Oracle a NubYounThin with MinClo's and VLarT's. --- 335-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Scene is a small but crowded office, with rows upon rows of desks. On } each desk is a glowing terminal, behind each desk is a bright eyed } bushy tailed weasely looking guy. Suddenly one of them looks confused) } } Weasel: Oh my, I knew this wouldn't be as easy as promised. The } supplicant didn't grovel! Maybe I should answer it anyway..., } no, The Boss would kill me. Damn Damn Damn. Hmmm, maybe I could } add my own grovelling before I answered it. No, they've probably } got backups of all this. Damn double Damn. } } (Weasel gets up and walks to a back room, whereupon he comes to a } closed door with several intimidating signs on it. Weasel raises hand } to knock, then places his ear against the door.) } } (from behind the door): *giggle* Ohhh ori baby I love it when you do } that. Oh my. Tee hee, what are you going to do with *that*! } } (Weasel turns red, then knocks on the door. The door opens and the } Oracle is standing there with a gerbil in his hand. In the background } is Lisa, covered in a white foamy substance that looks like Miracle } Whip.) } } Oracle: WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU WEASEL! } } Weasel: Um, uh, theres a problem with a supplicant sir. He } didn't grovel. } } Oracle: You disturbed me for that? Can't you tell I'm busy! } Can't you think for yourself!! } } (Oracle goes to slam the door but slips on some Miracle Whip that was } on the floor. He misses the door and instead slams a button labeled } "bulk erase". The Weasel vanishes in a cloud of monatomic particles.) } } Oracle: Oops. I really need to put a safety cover over that } button. } } (Door slams.) } } (It's a week later, back in the room with all the desks. A harried } looking middle aged man is walking by an empty desk with a glowing } terminal) } } Manager: Where the hell is that Jones! Come to think of it, I haven't } seen him for a couple of hours now. Wonder where he went? } Hmm, there's a question on his terminal, lessee, "Hostes } alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?". Jeez, idiot types } with his mouth full. Maybe he's in the lunch room getting a } Hostess twinkie? } } (Manager deletes the message and walks away.) } } You owe the oracle a ding dong. --- 335-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are waffles for real, O wise one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My headlights cut through the rain like a knife as I drove down the } highway. Like a very dull knife. My client had a tough question for me } to answer, and I was going to the one place where I knew there would be } some answers. The radio crackled in time with the lightning as the } empty road flew past. } } It was almost dawn by the time I reached the mansion; the inky } blackness had given way to an inky gray. I parked the car where it } wouldn't be seen and climbed over the wall onto the grounds. The back } door was locked, so I waited for a loud clap of thunder and used a rock } to open a window. The rain dripped off my trench coat and made puddles } on the expensive carpet as I quietly crept upstairs to the master } bedroom. } } I flipped on the light as I walked in, and he sat up and blinked } owlishly for several seconds before he noticed me. "Who the hell are } you?" he said in alarm, looking around in panic. I calmed him down by } drawing my gun. } } "Try anything and you're dead." I crossed the room and dripped on the } floor next to his bed. "Your name Kellogg?" } } He hesitated for a moment to decide if it was good or bad to be named } Kellogg. Finally he replied, "Yes." He looked at me in appraisal and } decided I wasn't worth very much. "I suppose you're going to kidnap } me?" } } "No. I only want to know one thing." I could almost see his gears } turning as he contemplated this. A corporate spy? A vengeful } ex-employee? But there was still no way of raising the alarm without } getting a bullet between the eyes, so he looked at me and said, "What?" } } "Are waffles for real?" } } Suddenly the bedroom door flew open, and a voice behind me said, "Drop } it!" I half-turned to see two cops with their guns drawn, and an } anxious butler peering into the room. "Drop it now or we'll shoot!" } } There was nothing I could do; I threw my gun on the floor. The cops } frisked me and put the cuffs on as the butler said, "He broke in } through a window, sir, and triggered the silent alarm. The police } arrived within a matter of moments." } } Kellogg lit a pipe and began to relax, looking at me with a smirk. One } of the cops respectfully asked, "Do you have any idea what he wanted, } Mr. Kellogg?" } } "Some kind of nut. Wanted to know something about waffles," Kellogg } chuckled. The cop smiled as he took hold of my arm and politely } escorted me downtown. } } You owe the Oracle bail money. --- 335-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } life (noun): (1) a boring computer 'game' which is viewed by bored } computer programmers when it's compile time and the boss is watching so } they can't play nethack (2) a brief period of time between birth and } death during which most folks are so busy worrying about its brevity } that they never really have any fun (3) a breakfast cereal with } annoying kids on the box. } } Given the choice, I'll take (3). --- 335-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and stupendous Oracle, can you tell me if my wife and I will > have a long lasting and wonderfull relationship together? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } temple 8> telnet thefuture } Trying 126.144.2.4 ... } Connected to thefuture.cs.outer-limits.edu. } Escape character is '^]'. } } SunOS EUNUCHS (thefuture) } } login: oracle } Password: } Last login: Tue Aug 6 22:34:53 from myport.cs.twilight.zone } SunOS 4.910 } ======================================================================= } ======================================================================= } Your terminal type is now unknown } It is now Thu Aug 12 22:05:34 EDT 1999 } ======================================================================== } } Attention future users: Please do not hog the printer when foretelling } the future for clients. If you must print a bitmap to emphasize just } how awful things are going to be for the poor slob, wait till off peak } hours. Thank you. } The Mgmt } ======================================================================== } thefuture 1> run marriage -future -happy -predict } working .... } "He's not going to like this. Perhaps you should write something nice } to the poor schmoe before letting him down gently. For goodness sake, } don't be a lazy slob and give him the readout raw and right off the } screen. You know full well what happened the last time you did that. } Now be a good boy and buffer this garbage." } } READOUT UNCOOKED: The afore mentioned male person will not live to } see his tenth anniversary with the afore mentioned spouse. The afore } mentioned spouse will kill him in his sleep. } } REASON GIVEN FOR HOMICIDE: "He wouldn't stop doing that annoying } thing." } } "I realize this is not much to go on so I accessed a time line to try } and get a better handle on what the 'annoying thing' might be." } } 1st Year of Marriage: Remarks to friends that it's cute when he does } it. } 2nd Year of Marriage: Tells Mother she is learning to love him even } with his faults (presumed annoying thing). } 3rd Year of Marriage: Remarks to friend that she trys to avoid spouse } when he does the annoying thing. } 4th year of Marriage: Begins to bring it up in conversation, after } making love. } 5th year of Marriage: Begins to bring it up at least once a week. Tells } Mother she is losing patience. } 6th year of Marriage: Explodes at a Company Picnic in front of fellow } employees of the spouse and demands that he "stop } it stop it stop it." No corroborating documentation } is gathered from those present. } 7th year of Marriage: Demands that he get counseling to stop it once } and for all. } 8th year of Marriage: Documentation from counselor recommends that they } be separated for safety purposes. There is no } mention of the annoying thing but the counselor } does recommend that the spouse not keep sharp } objects lying around the house. } 9th year of Marriage: Wife swears in front of family gathering that if } he doesn't stop it right now, he's one dead puppy. } She has to be physically restrained by family } members. } 9 Years and five } Months of Marriage: Husband is found by police after call to 911. The } murder weapon is believed to be a bar of Camay } wrapped in a terry cloth towel. Wife is tried and } convicted of 2nd degree manslaughter with special } circumstances and remanded to a state therapeutic } correctional facility, released in three years. } } Side note: Wife remarried, after finishing sentence, to local } Herbalife representative. } } "What a senseless waste of life. If only young people would take the } time to find out more about each other before they marry. I do have } a small bit of professional curiosity about that 'annoying thing.' } Sorry our records were a bit loose. Don't forget to dress this up } before you let 'you know who' see it." } } thefuture 2>exit --- 335-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is nougat And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm - I note a distinct lack of abasement, which makes me } reluctant to accellarate my efforts to help you. I also } note a shortage of flattery, which I suppose means you're } not trying to sing your question. So why should I help you? } } Top 10 Oracular Cop-Out "Answers" to "what is nougat" } 10. What isn't Nougat? } 9. Peanut smegma. } 8. A mixture of corn syrup and agar-agar. } 7. Just like you were told by your peers as a young child, it's } monkeysnot. } 6. What querents who don't treat the Oracle properly get } turned into. } 5. Half an orangutang that's been tossed in a blender. } 4. Mayonaise that's been left out for too long. } 3. I don't know, but if you eat enough of it, you'll see Elvis! } 2. A cheap way to make a bigger candy bar. } And the number one Oracular Cop-out answer to the alleged } question "what is nougat" is: } 1. What the government makes from all those 15lb. blocks of cheese } it has sitting around in warehouses that it can't or won't give } away. --- 335-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When we human beings have gone our evolutionary way and become > extinct..... who will be next in line to inherit the ruling of this > planet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When the final human breath exhales disgrace } And pale and trembling shame } For all the worthless travails of our race } Whose horror knows no name } And when the groaning body slumps to earth } This earth so battered and betrayed } By beings who were curse`d by their birth } To never understand the games they played } The carcass of the now depose`d master } Will rot and fester, fast and faster } Swallowed by the hungry jaws of those } Whose ultimate revenge will be at hand } The Beasts, the Bugs, the Insects, all the foes } Of cruel human inhumane command } Their voices will sing victory at last } As the hour of freedom now approaches } When centuries of slavery are passed } To hail their rightful rulers now, the Roaches.