From oracle-request Mon Sep 9 08:30:43 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 08:30:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #345 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 345 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #345 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 08:30:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 345 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 340 9 votes 01422 03600 03321 22410 03420 25110 01620 30042 03420 00126 340 3.1 mean 3.6 2.7 3.1 2.4 2.9 2.1 3.1 3.2 2.9 4.6 --- 345-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Esteemed Oracle, > > Two particles A and B are initially at rest on a plane, distance d > apart. An instantaneous force F is applied to particle A in the > direction of the particle B. If the plane is frictionless, each of the > particles has mass m, the coefficient of restitution between the two > particles is 0.5, the particles have negligible size, the Miami > Dolphins beat the Chicago Bears last week, and Dan Quayle's favorite > color is blue, then who gives a damn? > > You may assume that g = 9.8 metres per second squared, and that no > nuclear testing is being carried out in the area. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok. Now let's start with our first assumption that the Miami Dolphins } beat the Chicago Bears. As can be shown in the theory of Improbability } this is a hypothesis that can be safely discarded, since its } probability is less than } } / oo } | dx } | ---------------------- * Om(x^2) } | | x - y + eps |^alpha } -oo/ } } where alpha is the assumed quadrupole moment of the football and Om } such a complicated function that it is impossible to compute this } integral even using a coffee machine. A numerical analysis, however, } leads to the result that this integral must be less than } } | } | } eps^y | } | } | y = sqrt(pi^e) } } where pi is pi and e is the base of the Briggs logarithms (contrary to } the usual but wrong notation of e=2.718...). As now can be easily } seen, following the results of Beckstein/Konotisho and } Vaarhonen/McTalhon (1893, 1995, respectively) this has a value so } small that, as we pointed out before, can be discarded, forgotten and } buried. A recent work of Geller/Uri even shows that eps < 0. } } Second: Dan Quayle's favorite color is not blue. I will not point out } here how to prove it, but simply believe me. I know it. It is not } blue. So even this argument needn't be brought into consideration. } } Third: The question "who gives a damn" is central to our results. } Well, it is general knowledge that Clark Gable can be ruled out, } following a statement given during a conference shortly after the end } of the US civil war. Mao can even be regarded as not coming into } consideration, as he's pretty dead. No statements have been made by } R.Nixon, thus avoiding a compromising situation. All these test } results could lead to the premature conclusion that there does not } exist some person giving a damn. But we now have a nonconstructive } proof that there *is* some person: } } Lemma 1: There exists a person giving a damn. } } Proof: John Everny Fields III, an oil man from Texas was witnessed } [Smith/Smith/Wesson,32] saying "I give a damn for it!", QED. } } The nonconstructivity of this Lemma follows from the usage of the } choice axiom concerning witnesses [Calabrese/De Camorra,33]. } } Now to the last problem. A naive conclusion using classical physics } would immediately yield that both particles will happily pass each } other without even touching, since they have negligible size and the } chances to hit B by A are very, very small. So the inherent absurdity } of this result can only be overcome by using quantum physical } considerations. Since quantum physics is a little abstract and } difficult to understand, it is now general use to formulate it in a } more modern fashion that was introduced by Einman and can easily be } applied to arbitrarily complicated problems, keeping the diffeomorphic } structure of quantum problems intact, as could be shown in full rigour } by Ngorongoro/Van der Velt. } } First of all, without loss of generality, let us assume that both } particles are of opposite sex. This leads to nonvanishing terms in the } nondiagonal elements of the scattering matrix. That is, after an } interaction process of the particles one of them (or both) may be in a } different state as before. Of course, this depends on the relative } moon phase of the particles. The different state can be accompanied by } the creation of new particles or even by pair creation, if the initial } kinetic energy of A and B was high enough. Of course the kinetic } energy need not be as high, if the attractive potential in the initial } state is long ranged and fulfils the Passion (85) equation. Under } certain - very rare - circumstances pair creation can lead to } permanent stability; these strange effect is under current research } (Nancy/Reagan 88, Bush/Bush ?) } } If you have difficulties imagining particles with different sexes try } thinking of spin-up-spin-down particles. Of course, what we said above } holds only for fermionic particles. For bosonic particles completely } different equations hold. A main effect is a clustering which is often } followed by strong geotranslational forces (the so-called } Francisco/Andrea-effect). There are several conceptual } interconnections with the weak and the strong nuclear forces; these } are going to be used in the international EMR-project (earth's magnet } removal project). Nearby application of nuclear force can be assumed } to interfere heavily (as you pointed out correctly), so always check } with your doctor, your drugstore and your funeral home. } } You owe me some handwaving argument. --- 345-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mushy and all-seeing Oracle, greater than Chairman Deng and George > Bush combined, whose knowledge camp withes the Queen of England, > prithee, prithee grant me this morsel of your omniscience. Why does > my mother like to liquidate minxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd have to check the legal precedents to be sure, but I think that } camping withes the Queen of England carries an automatic sentence of } death by hanging, drawing, and quartering. So, if it's all the same to } you, the Oracle would prefer to keep its knowledge right here where it } belongs, thankyouverymuch, and not have it out galavanting about } England bothering that middle-aged frump. } } As to the odd uses your dearest M. may have found for her Waring } 17-speed two-horsepower GrindAll Blender, that is entirely between } herself, the Pater, and the nice men from the ASPCA. So mind yer own } business, you interfering little snot! } } And please stop wasting my time with these adolescent ventures into } soi-disant cleverness. The Oracle is here to deal with the meaning of } life, the origins of the universe, the fundamental structure of lint, } that there kinda stuff. } } Harumph. } } You owe the Oracle another round of drixed minx. --- 345-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O high and mighty Oracle, I tremble before your thundering approach, I > kiss the heat signals left by your feet as you walk, I race to breath > in the air that you have breathed, can you please tell me, > > Why do exams exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To tell the sheep from the goats, to tell the pearls from the swine, } to tell the wheat from the yucky strawy substance healthy fibre-rich } breakfast cereal is made of. In short, to sort out who's gonna make it } in our lovely Ermerican society and who's not. } This is how it all works: Have you noticed how some people go to } college year after year, without ever passing any exams, and how other } people quit after a short while, though they have excellent grades? } The reason for this is that exams are NOT given to check what you've } learned. No no no. If they'd wanted people to learn things, they'd } teach it to them in class. Which you surely have noticed that they } don't. No no no. The true purpose of education is to check how you } handle stress. You must have noticed, par example, the light green } color of classrooms. High stress factor. Mumbling, incomprehensible } teachers. High stress factor. And the exams themselves are the accolade } of the nervous tension. Green walls. Posters to warn you of the danger } of social diseases. Squealing air conditioning systems. Enough to make } most people break down sobbing. And those snivelling retired people } limping about. You think they're there to check you're not cheating. No } no no. They're observing you stress reactions. They have small } protocols where they note if you're biting your nails. And if you can't } handle the stress, they'll let you graduate. But if you can, even if } you don't pass the exams (ESPECIALLY if you don't pass the exams), } they'll send you to further tests (underneath Virginia) and then you } might end up as a spokesman for the government (if you're cool enough } to tell the world that you've just blown 15000 Iraqi to pieces without } sweating, and sound like you're proud of it) } } You owe the oracle 400 packets of Valium. --- 345-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise and Resourceful Oracle, who could easily have escaped from > Gilligan's Island by using no more than a coconut, please tell me... > > Why is there more greasy/fatty/disgusting crud atop a McDonald's McLean > sandwich patty than on a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder patty? I want to > "do the right thing", but they're making it very difficult for me. My > clogging arteries await your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's more of the crud on top because they've dropped } the fat content by upping the plastic content of the burgers; } that fatty gunk is actually melted plastic. Give up: the human } metabolism is not equipped to handle fast food. } } You owe the ORACLE Wendy. Lisa is tired tonight. --- 345-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most well oiled Oracle, this humble one requires an answer. > > I received a strange message today, can you tell me about it? This > was in the message: > > "..... Argh, I'm caught again. Supplies running out. Send help. > Oh no, it's back again. Argh! Urgh!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Captain Kirk, I suggest you beam down and help them. Otherwise, } we'll have no plot for a show this week. } } You owe the Oracle three phasers, two photon torpedoes, and a partridge } in a pear tree. --- 345-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise carelo, sorry, arcelo, whoops, that's olearc, wait a minute, > something is still wrong, oh most wondrous larceo, hold on, it's coming > to me, Oh unbelievably awesome Oracle, help me in my greatest hour of > need. I'm fleeing the Imperial forces, and Darth Vader's about to get > me. No, wait a minute, that's a movie plot. O Carle, most wise, why > is that I can't seem to spell your name? I must be under attack by > something, so let's call it the Empire, no, I actually think that maybe > I like the idea of Dan Quayle better. Or is it the NRA? If you can > just hold on a sec, I'm sure I'll think of what I was going to ask > you...Let me see... Ahh! Here's the question: Most wonderful Lorcea, > wise and beautiful sorceress of the Internet (hhmm.. somehow this > doesn't seem right either...*hack, hack, spit* that seems to have > cleared out my sinusi)Let's try again.. > Hey you great booby, what would happen if I quit college and ran for > president in 1992? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great Booby? BREAT BOOBY? You dare to refer to me as "Great Booby?" } For that, your firstborn child will turn into a toad after you pay the } deposit for the clown for her third birthday party. But, this is mere } pettiness. You don't stand a chance in the presidential race. George } Bush will have his Yale diploma recalled after a landmark ruling } involving the jusrisdiction of the NTSB, which normally issues car } refunds. After the degree recall (which will occur only weeks before } the election), Dan Quayle will issue a statement claiming that Bush } has "A severe ingrown toenail" and has nominated Quayle to run in his } place. Paul Tsongas will carry every state except for Missouri and } Mississippi, and win the election. However, two-thirds of all } Americans will still not be able to correctly pronounce his last name. } Meanwhile, Dan will apologize, saying "Geez, it was only a joke. } Don't you guys have a sense of humor?" } You owe yourself a computer that isn't drunk. } You owe the Oracle "Hole" by the band Foetus. On CD. Of course. --- 345-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the Oracle it may concern: > > I'm a small businessman, my wife is pregnant, I have severe angina > attacks, my mother in law lives with us, and I need a long distance > service that will suit my needs. I took a chance with that ``other'' > long distance service and really got burned. Now I have some Murphy > Brown wanna be calling my house every night asking me to ``come back > now'' to get the service I deserve. Also, there is nothing on my T.V. > but four minute AT&T commercials and guys from Fiji telling me I just > dialed the wrong number again. You know that guy that always says, > ``well I am now!''? I think he's in one of my chemistry classes. Every > time the prof. says, ``You're not dealing with a protien molecule,'' > this guys says, ``well I am now!'' and storms out of the room. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O thou insignificant mortal. } } To you, your travails look nontrivial. } Your trade and family, now so freshly fledged, } are weighted down with inlaw unconvivial } while carefree plaques en couer so firmly wedged. } } With all these burdens dwelling in your home, } While waiting for that final, fatal seizure, } You left the fold and chose instead to roam } A path which always ends in Polynesia. } } Come back to that familiar klaxon sound, } Banish Murphy Brown from your own handset. } Ma Bell will send some Anglo-Saxon `round, } who'll exorcise the Other with his lancet. } } Be steadfast when your neighbors feed you bull, } Be steadfast when they tempt you, saying how } "You are not dealing with the Oracle" } Then proudly, firmly state "well, I am now." } } You owe the Oracle a black box and a Captain Crunch whistle. --- 345-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know I didn't have six toes when I woke up this morning! Oh dear > Oracle, what is happening to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My poor, unfortunate child. You are one of the first victims of a } malady that will soon begin to spread across the nation: LAID, or } Late-Acting Inbreeding Disease. This disease has begun to spread due to } the preponderance of the "if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in } the family" ethic in so many areas of our country. Unfortunately, } you'll soon discover that your eyes have grown a little closer together, } and your nose will look a little pinched (not to mention the } corresponding drop in intelligence). Look on the bright side, though: } You'll probably be able to play the hell out of a banjo. } } You owe the Oracle a VHS copy of "Deliverance" --- 345-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, Oh Oracle most witty, > I cannot understand you 'cause my mind is itty-bitty. > Although I am unworthy, I really must inquire: > Is the singular of scissors sciss? and of pliers plier? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tis true you are unworthy, with this adolescent question. } Your poetry is awful, too, but here is a suggestion: } When coming up with questions, I'd appreciate your trying } A query on the dulcet tones of The Sound of One Plier Plying. } And the singular of scissors? I must keep you in the dark } You see, I never end a poem with any cutting remark. } } Your poetic license is hereby revoked. } } You owe the Oracle One Grecian Urn. --- 345-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who is on first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's right. If he takes enough of a lead, pick him off. } } You owe the Oracle 48 hours of continuous listening to your local } all-sports format AM radio station.