From oracle-request Wed Sep 11 17:40:54 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 17:40:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #346 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 346 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #346 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 17:40:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 346 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 341 22 votes 68350 57640 2a541 65533 37453 16690 02947 15862 24754 26842 341 2.9 mean 2.3 2.4 2.6 2.6 2.9 3.0 3.7 3.1 3.2 2.9 --- 346-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who both dug Witt's End and published the magazine > that must be left there, who knows where all the magic mushrooms are, > who mastered even the new Windows Solitare the day it was released, > please answer the following question, which was published in a > newsletter of a major corporation (no, not mine, and it wasn't and > isn't my question!): > > My supervisor is always bugging me. He walks in when I am > playing computer games and makes sarcastic remarks, implying I > am not doing my job. How can I get him off my back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before I address your question, I must clear up a mistake you } made (No problem, I expect it from humans). Being omniscient, I } mastered solitaire (Note the spelling, if you please) the day } Bill Gates thought it up. This was of course a long, long time } before it was released. } } Now onto your problem. Yes, I know you say it isn't your } problem, but you can't fool the Oracle. There are several } alternatives you could choose, depending on in what sort of mood } you are. The most obvious answer is to stop playing computer } games. But then you boss would expect you to do real work and be } productive. This is clearly not a viable option. } } If you want to get someone off your back, you can turn around and } kiss him. Long and hard, as if he were the only release for your } pent up up sexual frustrations. Unfortunately you boss is so } disgusting that not even you are that desperate. Next. } } Ask my good friend Guido for a little favor. Just say the word } and he'll make your boss a custom fit pair of concrete galoshes } and take him swimming. But wait, it seems you owe Guido some } money. You'd better pay up soon, or he'll make you an offer you } just won't be able to resist. } } I guess that leaves you with just one alternative. I wouldn't } normally mention it but your case is rather extreme and I know } that you can be trusted to do the right thing. I must warn you } that this method, if improperly applied could cause injury or } even premature death, so you must exesize extreme care. Tha } answer is really very simple: Turn you boss into a newt. } } You owe the Oracle some of those magic mushrooms. --- 346-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You fingered my brain! How DARE you! Don't you know your dealing with > Guillermo P.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *shudder* } } Guillermo P. Did you say? I'm dealing with Guillermo P! That } spineless twit! The Guillermo P. who once put his own head inside a } blender and set it on Liquify? The Guillermo P. who valiantly fought } the oppresors in his home country of Grand Fenwick, only to be told } that his home country no longer existed! That Guillermo P.? } } Well Pardon me for fingering the brain of such an august personage. I } mean it was a waste of time anyway. Look: } } Login Name: brain In Real Life: Atrophied Mush } Directory: /dev/null Shell: /bin/tortoise } Last Login May 23 1973 from talcum.powder.diaper.edu } } You owe the Oracle nothing, there's nothing you have that's really } useful anyway. --- 346-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why ? oh, god, why ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The plaintive scream cut through the silence of abandoned ruins like a } chainsaw through a cheerleader. As one man, the group froze, their } attention torn from the peculiar inscription on the altar that } Professor Bockmeyer had been examining, like a teenager drooling over a } smuggled copy of Playboy. } } "Perhaps these ruins aren't as abandoned as you think, eh?" Callaghan } straightened up with a wry smirk, and drew his revolver. } } Without further comment, we walked toward the dark opening behind the } altar, from which the agonized cry had shot like an tracer shell from } an anti-aircraft gun. At the end of a corridor littered with broken } statuary, crushed pottery, and bleached bones, an eary green light } flickered like an oversexed firefly on an August evening. } } "Excuse me," said Callaghan, "but shouldn't that be 'eerie'?" } } The party crept... Huh? What was that? } } "Eerie," he repeated. "E-E-R-I-E. Not E-A-R-Y. You mis-spelled it." } } Oh, right, yeah. Thanks. } } "No sweat." } } The party crept toward the light, weapons clutched in sweaty hands like } so many gigolos between their lovers' thighs. Callaghan stood } suddenly, an annoyed look on his face. "Look, could you cut the } extended metaphors, and get on with the action?" } } Now wait a minute, *I'm* the narrator. You're just a character. You } can bloody well wait until I'm ready! } } "Think so, buckwheat? And just how far do you think you're likely to } get without me?" } } Ha! And what do you think you can do about it... Hey! Callaghan! Get } back here!! You can't do that! } } "Hm, sort of a sticky one," mused Bockmeyer, scratching his head. } "Perhaps one of us can fill in for him?" } } You shut up! Callaghan!!! Damn you, Callaghan, I'm going to re-write } the first chapter and make you a transvestite homosexual claims } adjuster with leprosy and bad breath! CALLAGHAN!! } } Callaghan? } } Shit. } } You owe the Oracle a new protagonist. --- 346-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Indefinite Oracle, > What does my mother think about me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She loves you as if you were her own child --- 346-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise oracle, whose wisdom teeth my severe dental problems would not > begin to tarnish, please tell me: > > If an airplane flies below the equator, why doesn't it fall into space? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhh... finally, a correct question. First of all, go seek dental } help quickly, as you are on the verge of being struck by lightning and } as you should know, poor teeth improve one's odds of being struck 88.4 } times. } } Now on to your question... } } Airplanes do not fly below the equator! You mean you've been fooled } for all of these years? Wow, I should give the marketing department a } raise! } } The world has always been, is, and will always be, flat. So all that } an airplane could possibly do is fall off the edge. So, of course, you } ask why don't airplanes fall off the edge? Simple. I personally put a } large fence around the playpen. } } You owe the Oracle round trip tickets to Sidney, Australia. --- 346-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Indefinite Oracle, > What does my lover think about me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." } } You owe the Oracle three gallons of Sherman Williams Interior Wear-All } Hi-Gloss Latex and a pair of handcuffs. --- 346-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the top ten opinions of Ms. Religious Being? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. Jesus saves, Moses invests. } 9. God is dead (Nietche). Nietche is dead (God). } 8. Men are such Gabardene swine. } 7. Catholics rule, Buddhists drool. } 6. Let he who is stoned cast the first sin. } 5. It's pronounced "toe-MAH-toe". } 4. Turn-ons: cassocks, Dryden, the Council of Nicea, long walks on } the beach } 3. Turn-offs: atheists, Descartes, argyle sox } 2. "I like Woody Allen, but I just can't watch _Interiors_." } } and the #1 opinion of Ms. Religious Being... } } 1. Zoroaster = STUD! } } You failed to grovel, slave. You owe me a Gutenberg bible. --- 346-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, very divine diviner, prithee, I beg of you, pray > answer my phenolic problem. Is Glinda the Good really a pigeon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but this really is a dumb question. Come on, guys, let's } incorporate just a trace of creativity into this asking questions } stuff! Think of all the really intriguing questions that you COULD } have asked! } } - What makes Glinda's bubble float? And while you're at it, what makes } her smile like that all the time? And where can I get a few hits? } - Is it true what the Oz Inquirer published about Glinda and the } Wizard? And if not, what *do* they do with the flying monkeys? } - Why do witches dissolve in water? Is it some sort of religious } thing? } } We could go on for hours, boys and girls. } } You owe the Oracle some entertainment. } } PS: Glinda is actually a highly evolved form of snail. She forms her } bubble from snail-slime. She feeds on little dogs, by the way, which } is what brought her to Munchkinland in the first place. --- 346-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, O Knowing One, tell me: > Have you ever been swimming with bowlegged women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mmmm. Lemme tell ya! Once I was horseback riding with this absolutely } delicious little redhead when we reached a stream and she asked if I'd } like to go for a little dip with her. Several passionate hours later, } as she nibbled Ouch! Sorry, Lisa Ouch! } } Now look what you've done! } } You owe the oracle a way to weasel out of this one. --- 346-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose hand is slow and whose hair is really cool, please > answer this question: > > Is there any way to prepare tripe so that it is edible? Or > even (gulp) *palatable*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since (as everyone knows) tripe is the lining of the large intestine of } deceased politicians, it is very coarse and rubbery. The traditional } method of preparation is to boil it for 12-24 hours. Unfortunately, } this tends to rob tripe (and anything else prepared in this way) of its } desirable taste and texture characteristics. } } TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #1 } } First treat half of the store-bought tripe in a moderate solution of } NaOH. This will make the tissue puff up violently and turn purplish } grey. After treatment, discard this half and prepare the remaining } portion in the traditional manner. } } This method does not provide us with a more palatable product, but is a } lot of fun to watch. } } TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #2 } } Locate an over-land frieght company. Select a cross-country semi, and } affix a portion of tripe to the wheel-side of a mudflap (3M spray } adhesive is appropriate). Wait for the semi's return, remove the } tripe, and bake for 20 minutes or until crispy. } } This allows all the succulent constituents of the tripe to remain } nearly intact. Other delicate flavors and textures are imparted during } the semi's trip, such as road grit, roadkill, and whatever the driver } might have introduced by scraping his boots on the mudflap. } } Unfortunately, this method can take several days to plan and execute, } and certain drivers are sure to be protective about their custom } mudflaps. } } TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #3 } } Mix 1 part food-processed tripe with 30 parts ground beef. Make } fist-sized hunks, fry until brown. } } This is the method favored by the Oracle. } } Take your pick. You owe the Oracle a package of turkey franks, skin } removed.