From oracle-request Tue Sep 24 10:47:35 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 10:47:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #349 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 349 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #349 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 10:47:35 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 349 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 344 20 votes 87500 36551 17741 16535 35930 24932 46730 13862 15572 05771 344 2.8 mean 1.9 2.8 2.8 3.3 2.6 3.0 2.5 3.3 3.2 3.2 --- 349-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and holy Oracle, whose shoes I am not even fit to polish with > my tongue, answer me this: > > What the hell am I doing in a dank little room staring at a workstation > on a Friday night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This riddle is not in SRN (standard riddle notation.) I will rephrase } it for you: } } "I am doing the hell in a dank little room. I am staring at a } workstation. It is Friday night. What am I?" } } From here, we can proceed using the process of elimination. You are in } a little room, so you cannot be anything large. The room is dank, so } you cannot be anything dry (at least, not for long.) You are staring, } so you cannot be blind. You know what time it is, and which day of the } week it is, so you cannot be oblivious. You are doing the hell, so you } cannot be shy or timid (or morally sound, for that matter.) You know } what a workstation is, but doesn't everyone these days? You are asking } the question, so you cannot be the Oracle. } } You are Lisa. Now go away and let me get back to the real questions. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of The Secret Diary of Laura } Palmer. (And a couple of sessions of doin' the hell, but that can wait } until tonight.) --- 349-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I'm seeing double! Everything I say winds up crossposted to > talk.cyberpunk.lack.of.common.decency and news.msdos.comics! It's > like this! Only smaller! Where can I do, Oracle, where can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Calm down, child! It's not that you are *seeing* double, it's rather a } symptom of our society. For instance: Double majors, Doublemint gum, } double headers, Nugent's "Double Live Gonzo", Lennons "Double Fantasy" } (Chapman was actually a music critic, and shot him for recording this), } double dating, doublespeak, double trouble, double your money, double } your pleasure. You are perfectly normal, provided you maintain your } a) Double personalities and b) double vision. Hope you don't have } a quad stereo, if so, then you'd be in *big* trouble! } You owe the oracle a date with your twin sisters. } } ( would have included the Minnisota Twins in this list, but hey, } I refuse to recognize teams that have no chance of ever actually } winning a world series ) --- 349-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, please, oh most puissant, powerful, prognosticating, > proficient, and preternaturally prescient Oracle, why did they > ever try selling us "New Coke"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a religious thing. As is written in the Book of MacDonald 15.3 } } And when the auguries are favorable, thou shalt bring forth New } Product Variations, which thou shalt advertise with Great Hoopla and } many TV Spots. And the profits shall multiply among thy people, that } they grow great and powerful, and your Market Share shall increase } beyond your Wildest Dreams, Yea! unto the seventh generation! } } The Oracle recommends sun tea with a little lemon. } } You owe the Oracle a catchy slogan. --- 349-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the Oracle it may concern: > > My mom always said that I should wait six months after eating before I > go swimming. Well, I've been asking around and, be honest, isn't this > somewhat extreme? > > She also said I should chew my food at least 300 times before putting > it in the blender, setting it to *pulverize* and then taking it > intravenuously. Is this overdoing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listening to your mother isn't ALWAYS a good idea, Norman. } } You owe the Oracle a candid gif of Janet Leigh. --- 349-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come my workstation often reboots ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has not detected a high groveling factor. This will } abbreviate your answer. } } Workstations are often products of busy people, and therefore often are } busy themselves with more busy people. Workstations, by their } intrinsic nature, are always working, working, working!! They shuttle } mail over long distances, they shuffle incomings, display your work and } transmit data, a complete slave to whomever decides to "log in". } Therefore, workstations often have to reboot, re-shoe and re-sole. } They wear them out so quickly. } } The Most MIghty Oracle Has Spoken. --- 349-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I seek the Tao. Is it within you, O Mighty Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *oracle looks at itself* } Nope, no tao, but there is a hawaian pizza and half of a skunked beer, } will that do? } } The Great and Mighty Oracle --- 349-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A thermos can keep a liquid warm. > A thermos can keep a liquid cool. > > How does it know which? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle appreciates your interest in this burning question. Many } Many supplicant have requested this information. The Almighty and } Powerful Oracle must tell you that you must GROVEL more. No good } answers without some good healthy supplication. Keeps you in form for } tax time. } } The secret is this: the thermos DOESN'T KNOW!! The thermos, filled } with a vaccuum like many human heads we know, does not know that there } is a specific kind of hot or cold liquid in it. Since it does not } know, it does not transmit the heat. In fact, the thermos is SO DUMB, } you could make its eyes light up by shining a lite in it's ear!! } } Face it, thermoses are one of the few stupid things in this world } that still do a job. Unless you count Quayle. } } The oracle has SPOKEN. --- 349-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are in the front-end module of our project. > Is the front-end the front or the end ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Oracle! Oracle!" } "Yes, apprentice, what is it now?" } "Take a look at this question! He didn't grovel at all." } "Yes, that's very rude." } "Can I start flaming him?" } "No, I think you'd better not." } "Oh, please, please..." } "No, I'm afraid we've been flaming non-grovellers a bit too heavily } lately. The Oracluar Priesthood are getting a bit bored of it and are } less prone to include your answer in the Oracularities if you flame to } heavily. } By the way, I just noted that the questioner shows bad oracletiquette } in another way - which one?" } "You mean that he just starts off with quoting someone, without telling } from where he's quoting" } "Exactly" } "But don't you know anyway? I'm mean, being omniscient and all..." } "Of course _I_ know, stupid! But we don't want to do any unnecessary } work, do we? Being an Oracle is exhausting work." } "Well, the actual answering of questions doesn't seem to exhausting, } but of course you've been doing some pretty ewxhausting things with } Lisa and Lena lately..." } "Shut up! If you _ever_ want to be an Oracle like me, you'd better } start applying yourself with more seriousness to your work, instead of } criticizing your betters. You can start right now by writing a polite } and truthful answer to the question." } "How about this: } } 'The front end is both; it's the end that's in front, stupid.'?" } } "I said a _polite_ and _truthful_ answer, you lazy slob! Try again. } And when you're finished, you can start cleaning the bathrooms." } "OK (sigh)" } } 'The front end is neither the front nor the end, at least not in the } literal sense. It is the part of a compiler that reads the user's } source code and converts into a form more suitable for the later } processing, protecting the delicate innards of the compiler from the } harsh environment of an actual operating system.' } } "That's better! But don't forget the last part!" } } 'You don't owe the Oracle anything. This Oracularity was produced as } an Oracular University Tutorial and payed for by government funds.' --- 349-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most miffed, mighty, migratory, mild, militant, milky, mimetic, > mingled, minimal, ministerial, minstrelsy, miraculous, misanthopic, > miscellaneous, mischievous, miscreant, mishapen, missionary, misty, > and mitagated Oracle, Please answer my ever so humble question: > > How can I eradicate FMLI from the universe by lunchtime tomorrow? > > ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lunchtime tomorrow is a tough timetable, but it can be done. First, } get yourself a large supply of letter bombs, the kind that fit into a } large envelope and explode when you open them. You can find them in } the Notions section of any K-Mart. Color is unimportant, but be sure } that the expiration date hasn't passed. } } Find the nearest Federal Express office, and bring along a list of } names and addresses for everyone in your FMLI. Mail one package to } each of your siblings, parents, cousins, nephews, uncles, and other } assorted relatives and in-laws by overnight express. This will be a } little pricey, so make sure that your VISA credit line can take it. } } You owe the Oracle the FMLI jewels. --- 349-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, > > What in the world IS That Thing!!!???!!! > > Thank you. > > [large, graphical signature deleted to preserve anonymity -sk] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yuk. Ugly thing, isn't it? What you have there is a type of Ugly } Graphical .Signature (siggus graphus homlius). It is found primarily } in the "org" sections of the Internet, though it has been spotted } almost everywhere. } } Note that this specimen attempts to create much larger letters out of } noletters. This is typical of the pathetic nature of the Graphical } .Signature, as it attempts to look much larger than it actually is. } } Also notable in the upper right is a stream of alternating upper- and } lowecase letters. This is another feature that is used more often in } headers, in order to confuse KILL files. It's purpose in a .Signature } is to indicate that its master is of the type to use the above ploy. } } Well, that all the time we have for now. Join us next time on .Sig } Nature World, when we'll take a look at the common Changing Quote } .Signature. Bye!