From oracle-request Wed Oct 2 10:16:22 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 2 Oct 91 10:16:22 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #352 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 352 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #352 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 2 Oct 91 10:16:22 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 352 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 347 21 votes 76422 17931 39621 03747 12a53 16950 03765 14961 28560 38532 347 3.0 mean 2.3 2.8 2.5 3.7 3.3 2.9 3.6 3.1 2.7 2.7 --- 352-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient Oracle, whose ankle I am too fat to floss with, whose > sexiness fills the Amsterdam of our lives as the stars do brighten the > night sky, without whom Cleveland would be incomprehensible, without > whom reality would be brain-dead, do tell me this, please. What, you > thing peccary is really a scabbard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the great quest for your answer, I have traveled to the very edges } of your puny solar system, and beyond, so I may ask the lords of the } worlds. } } I travelled to the orbits of the great animals and the falling stars } so that I may ask the rulers of the heavenly spheres. } } I travelled to the other known and unknown galaxies so that I may ask } the Gods of All Beings. } } I travelled into the very depths of humanity so that I may ask every } man's heart of Gold. } } I descended unto hell so that I could ask the corrupter of souls, who } knows of all evil in the Universe. } } I ascended into the Great Beyond, home of all truth and good, so I } could ask this of the Creator himself. } } In each of these places, I went and showed the text of your question } to the Powers that Be; and to a man, woman, spirit or diety, in all } cases, their response was the same: } } "Say WHAT?! This dude is CONFUSED! Git outta here." } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of Reeboks, if not a new pair of feet. } (Owww...) --- 352-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle of the electronic pathways, a great question has > weighed heavily on my mind in recent days. Pray tell me, why are the > pictures I take with my new camera always just a little bit too dim? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the home office at VT240 and the mind of Road Dawg } (AWOOOOOOOOOO!), we have the top ten reasons for your photographer } problem, which follow: } } 10: It's your fault, Charlie Brown. You've got your finger on } the lens, and thus are only looking at your thumb (ever } wonder why all the photos seem to be of a canyon?). } 9. You have your eyes closed when viewing said photos. } 8. Peanut butter (that comes from the schizophrenic in us all). } 9. Wow man, it's real groovy inside these electronic pathways. } I wish we'd sober up and get the hell out of here, man. } 8. You have the lens cap on while snapping said photos. Either } you are pretty stupid, or you are insane. In that case, set } the camera down and either go get a Brain (tm) or go to your } rubber room and slip on this nice little jacket. } 8. Boy, I wish I knew what came after eight, so I could end } this list. } } And the number one reason why you photos are so dim... } 1. (as promised). Because you are using the wrong lens at the } wrong time at the wrong place. Step back into your time } machine and get back 2020. } } You owe the Oracle something that you can't get and thus owe the } Oracle. See the first part of this sentence, and wham! you're caught in } an infinite loop. --- 352-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [I think we lost part of the question here -sk] > between them is NOT a straight line (such is really the case!) what's > the longest possible route from A to B? > > To prove that the shortest distance between two points is not a > straightline, simply take a piece of paper and place a dot > > Now fold the paper in half such that the two points touch.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As far as know, there are two possibilities for longest routes from A } to B. } } 1) Tear your sheet of paper in half and mail one half to Greenland via } the US Mail with no return address. Point A will travel an infinite } distance trying to get back to Point B, which will reside on your } refridgerator under a Snoopy(tm) magnet indefinately. } } 2) AZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCB } |--longest route A to B--| } } You owe the oracle a copy of any Non-Euclidean Geometry textbook } published prior to the Reagan Administration. --- 352-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Woof! Woof woof!! Bark, grrrr, woof! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I swear, these questions are just going to the dogs. The } bone is between the two trees in the yard, about six inches down. } } You owe the ORACLE nothing, Fido, except to let your } master do the asking from now on. --- 352-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and ponderous one, whose intelligence rivals that of, uh, who > is really REALLY smart, would you please answer the most humble of > questions and settle an argument about your greatness? My friend is > curious about the status of Lisa. We both have been away from the > planet for a while, and do not know. Somehow she has the idea that Lisa > is SK's little sister, while I think that it does not matter whose > sister she is. You still bagging the babe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa is Dan Rather's niece. I have never bagged her, although once I } folded her up inside a suitcase and had her shipped to Detroit. --- 352-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle, whose sight is too devine to look at, please > answer me this.. > > Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The chicken soup was first, followed quickly by the omlette. --- 352-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle powerful, Oracle wise, > Oracle smarter than all of us guys, > Oracle mystical, Oracle magic, > Oracle comic, historic, and tragic, > Oracle holy and also sublime, > Oracle clever (most of the time), > Oracle tubular, Oracle cool, > Oracle who seldom is anyone's fool, > Oracle greater than squirrel or moose, > Oracle, why did God take Dr. Seuss? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate fish. --- 352-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was it Dan Quayle who said, "War is like a stupid spaniel. Sometimes > it is fine. Sometimes it flies from bush to tree to shrub."? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, my confused one, it was Karl von Clausewitz. His exact words were, } "War is like a stupid vice president. Sometimes it is fine. Sometimes } it flies from one public appearance to another, making a complete ass } of itself." } } You owe the Oracle a bust of Napolean, executed in cream cheese. --- 352-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am gourd ... I am dove ... Feel me weave your ears into a tapestry > that spans galaxies ... but keep it out of reach of children ... why > is this done in general? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Segmentation fault. Gourd dumped. --- 352-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Name you fee! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle a band spankin new "r" key.