From oracle-request Thu Oct 31 09:25:14 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 31 Oct 91 09:25:14 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #365 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 365 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #365 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 31 Oct 91 09:25:14 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 365 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 360 19 votes 17821 33247 16561 24247 34831 25417 14743 23923 35731 44731 360 3.0 mean 2.7 3.5 3.0 3.5 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.1 2.7 2.6 --- 365-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ask me --- 365-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omniscient, omnipresent, omnivorous, omnidirectional, and > omnipotent ORACLE, who is not only greater than I do imagine, but is > greater than I CAN imagine, who is the fountain of all knowledge and > wisdom, I, a most humble and unworthy supplicant, fear that I must beg > a precious moment of your attention to help me with my insignificant > problem. > > For the past four years there has been a person on campus who > apparently looks just like me. I have never seen this person, but most > of my friends have, and have mistaken him to be me, even when I had > been verifiably elsewhere. I do not know who this person is or what he > wants, but as I am about to finish college and leave the area, I fear > that the situation, whatever it is, must be resolved soon. I believe > that the truth of the situation is one of four possibilities: > > 1. This person is my evil twin. He has been waiting for the right > moment to kill me and then to replace me without anybody noticing. > That way he can get my college degree, friends, money, job, and legal > status without having to do any work. > If this is the case, what should I do to prevent this person from > taking my place? (For that matter, why would he want to take my place, > considering my degree, friends, financial situation, job, and legal > status?) > > 2. Without knowing it, I am this person's evil twin. Instead of > wasting these past for years studying, making friends, paying bills, > and obeying laws (more or less), I shoud have been enjoying myself, and > waiting for the right moment to take over his life. That way I could > get the benefits of all his years of hard work without doing any > myself. > If this is the case, what should I do to effectively take over this > person's life without anybody noticing? Is his life really that much > better than mine? > > 3. This person is actually myself from the future. After inventing > time travel I decided to travel back in time to give the secret of time > travel to myself. That way I will be able to use the knowledge to > become incredibly rich without actually having to invent time travel > again. I haven't contacted myself yet because I haven't figured out > how to deliver the plans without causing disruptions in the space-time > continuum. If this is the case, what is taking me so long to give > myself the plans? Why hasn't my future-future-self figured it out and > told my future-self how to accomplish the delivery to my present-self? > > 4. This person is actually you, the ORACLE. You have disguised > yourself as me and you are having all kinds of fun, which I won't hear > about until later when I am met at my door by the Police, FBI, CIA, > KGB, ASPCA, Moral Majority, David Letterman's "stupid human tricks" > film crew, the local media, and several motion picture companies > looking to buy the movie rights to my (your) exploits. > If this is the case, why did you choose me? (Also, can I have copies > of the pictures when they are developed?) > > Oh, wise oracle, I humbly beg you to please tell me the true reason > for the existance of this identical person, and what I should do about > it. > > - Your most inferior supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're never alone when you're a clone. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed, first edition copy of "Brave New } World" --- 365-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Somebody give this guy a tap on the side; he appears to be stuck. } } >WHAP!< There. } } Geez, buddy, either put a penny on the tone arm or switch to CD's } so this doesn't happen in the future! } } You owe the Oracle a clue. --- 365-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are Christmas shopping ads now appearing before Hallowe'en, > when in past years they have waited politely in the wings until > Thanksgiving had had its chance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're not just lurking behind Halloween decorations any more. } } For hundreds of years they've waited for their chance. } } Their chance is now. } } They're out for blood. } } Christmas shopping ads. } } They kill without mercy, and come in two different designer colors. } } Don't miss... } } REVENGE OF THE HORRIBLE EVIL BLOOD-COVERED CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS THAT } HATE YOU. } } Coming soon to a theater near you. Rated PG-13 --- 365-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful, excellent Oracle! Tell me this!!! > > Why is my shoe still wet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Its those darn Quantum Polarity Shifts again. To correct } the situation: } } 1) Run out to K-Mart and pick up a Quantum Phase Inhibitor. } If they charge more than $758,372,754.95, you're being } robbed. } } 2) Ask Aunt Matilda to connect it to her washing machine. } Why ask why? } } 3) Wash your shoe as you normally would, adding a bit of } Liquid Phase gel. } } 4) Bake at 375F for 30 - 40 minutes until golden brown. } } 5) Allow to cool. } } You owe the Oracle 25 Odor Eaters and a box of Tide. --- 365-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, please answer my question. > > Everybody here is addicted to Tetris. Nobody does anything useful, > since they play Tetris all day. Is Tetris a part of a Communist plot > to stop the conquer the west ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...Mortals are not groveling as well as they used to. And mortal } grammar has also, we see, gone down the tubes. The oracle must speak } to the gods of language and grammar about doing something about this. } Still, even though you grovel only indifferently, the oracle will } condescend to answer your question. } } Tetris was, as you surmise, part of a plot to conquer the west. It was } to be the first wave of computer games of increasing complexity which } nonetheless still appeared to be deceptively simple. } } However, you are mistaken in thinking that it was part of a Communist } plot. Just look at the Communists. Obviously, they spent so much time } playing this game that everything went to hell in a handbasket (and } even faster than we---er, that is, the plotters had predicted). No, } this is part of a plot by extra-dimensional beings to take over all of } humanity and use them as mindless pleasure slaves--which, after a few } hours of Tetris, is all their little minds are good for. } } You owe the Oracle a few dozen of your co-workers. --- 365-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include /* not feeling too inspired tonight */ > #include > > Why am I having so much trouble stopping procrastinating? I haven't > been like this since high school. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } make -k } cc question.c } question.c: 2: Can't find include file stdgrovel.h } question.c: 3: Can't find include file stdcomplm.h } } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name am } "question.c", line 2: illegal initialization } "question.c", line 2: syntax error } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name I } "question.c", line 2: too many initializers } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name having } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name so } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name much } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name trouble } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name stopping } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name } procrastinating "question.c", line 2: syntax error } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: newline in string or char constant } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name haven } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name been } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name like } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name this } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name since } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name high } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name school } "question.c", line 5: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } *** Exit 1 } } Compilation finished at Sun Oct 27 11:57:16 } } } } Of course, you must be a Quiche Eater. Used to programming in PASCAL } or worse, in MODULA-2. That are the languages for procrastinators. } Write here, write there, everything but the thing you are going to } program. Here do the types, there the modules but save the central } algorithm. } } I'll tell you what: try C, or even better Assembler. That will teach } you to program concisely and go straight to the heart of the problem. } You'll see, it will even improve your lifestyle. If you insist, you } may use even FORTRAN 66 - a simple, concise, truly American computer } language, none of this cryptic European stuff. Obey my suggestion and, } you will see, things will change for you. } } Completely. } } You owe me a new C compiler. Mine crashed after compiling your text. --- 365-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who has persisted through the light and dark ages of > Mankind, never suffering from occasional Oracularity, but always > (boom-boom!) Eveready and still going, please look kindly upon this > inquiry from one who is least worthy to claim even a picosecond of your > time, which is fortunately far more than you would need to answer the > following question: > > What are those orange balls doing on power lines? > > In various locations around the USA one can occasionally look up at > overhead power lines and observe what appears to be an oversized NBA > basketball, through which one of the power lines run. Actually I think > the "basketballs" are made of metal, but have elected not to attempt to > touch one to verify. They are only placed on SOME segments of SOME > power lines. If there were only one or two on a segment one might > imagine any number of rational explanations for their existence but > Noooo, these are strung like beads on some Godzillsized necklace and > not to be found at all on any adjacent power line. > > Please spare a few electrons to enlighten (but not shock) me what on > earth, er, what in sky is the meaning and use of these orange balls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, mortal, who nearly understands your pitiful existence as much as } your brain can understand, and who, at least attempts to grace my } existence with your hollow praise, shall be granted the answer to } your question: } } The orange balls in question are, in fact, a chain of U-Store-It (TM) } storage centers run by some very entrepreneurial squirrels. They are } only located in areas where more affluent squirrels reside, and thus } are not present everywhere. } The familiarity of the storage units to basketballs is due to a failed } publicity campaign by the U-Store-It founder, E. G. "Big Cheeks" Olson, } who wanted to have a big name sporting star endorse the storage } facilities. However, none of the NBA stars contacted would accept } payment in acorns. } The reason the units are located on only certain power lines is that } many nuts have the unusually property of sprouting due to certain } phases of electricity. While the nuts store fine on one line, the } adjacent line, being 120 degrees out of phase, may cause the nuts to } sprout, and consequently die and rot, due to the lack of water, } nutrients, and light. } No, they are not made of metal, but of a squirrel-made polymer that } will never biodegrade, one more example of how the animals are willing } to do their part in destroying mans' environment. } } The Oracle has spared his electron. Be enlightened and go about } your piffle existence, mortal. --- 365-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh best oracle, whose answers are like nuggets of purest gold, > > Why do I have a headache, is it the radiation ? > (I thought only married women had headache) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Headaches are something the Oracle has thought about } for many, many years... } } First, I would like to enlighten you as to why married } women have headaches...You see, when a woman gets } married, a special enzyme (inherent only to the female } species) is released inside the woman's brain. This } enzyme causes the woman to have sporatic, short term } headaches (usually after 9 pm while getting ready for } bed). } } As for your headache...The radiation is probably causing } it, but I am sure that you have noticed that the radiation } is also clearing up your acne. My faithfull follower, it } is simply a trade off. Headache - no acne, no acne - headache. } It is your choice... --- 365-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle whos keyboard never has crumbs, > Will the USA ever go metric? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States } measurement challenge once and for all. } } In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years, } weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial. } } In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from } France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our } challenger: Mean Mr Metric. } } It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of } history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life } forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place } in history. } } We are about to find out. } } Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on } the bell. } } Round 1: "DONG" } } They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring. } Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch: } } How many feet in a mile? } } Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with: } } 5280 } } "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them." } } "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction } of a second to divert that question." } } Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy: } } How many metres in a kilometre? } } Instantly, Metric flashes back with: } } 1000 } } "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking } good tonight" } } "Sure is Bill" } } Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one: } } How much does a litre of water weigh? } } Metric comes back quickly with: } } 1 kilogram } } "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of } mass and volume - well thought out." } } "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable } here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..." } } How much does a pint of water weigh? } } Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates. } } "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's } trained for this?" } } Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with: } } 1.0431758 pounds } } "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?" } } "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with } a tough one here if he's got it in him." } } As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky } one: } } If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water } is collected? } } "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him." } } Metric defends without a flinch: } } 1 litre } } "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability. } That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the } same strategy as before and follow up with..." } } If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is } collected? } } "Imperial is down!" } } 1 2 3 4 5 6 7... } } 7.97922 fl oz } } "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!" } } "DONG" } } End of Round 1. } } "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last } the next round." } } "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good. } } Round 2: "DONG" } } Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense: } } How many grams in a kilogram? } } Metric defends: } } 1000 } } "Playground stuff there Bob." } } "Yeah Bill" } } Metric goes for the kill: } } How many grains in an ounce? } } "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob." } } Imperial stutters: } } uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system? } } "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the } spirit of the game!" } } Metric replies: } } All three. } } "Curtains Bill. I'm sure." } } Imperial responds: } } Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other } one is... What other one? } } Metric jabs: } } You tell me. } } Imperial falls to the floor. } } 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 } } "Knocked out Bob!" } } "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system } here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine." } } "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring } talking with Mean Mr Metric." } } "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is } that other system" } } Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there } are three and they are all stupid. } } "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill" } } "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an } announcement..." } } After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight } null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean } that some politicians might lose the next election. } } You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.