From oracle-request Tue Dec 3 08:12:52 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 08:12:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #381 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 381 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #381 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 08:12:52 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 381 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 381-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh please be so magnanimous and deign answer me this: How do > insurance salesmen sleep at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A recent Oracle investigation came up with a partial answer to your } question. We had the opportunity to look in on a sleeping insurance } salesman and this is what we found: } } On the nighttable: } } 1 partially empty bottle of Darvon(tm) } 1 full bottle of Valium(tm), labelled with 10 refills } 1 Litre of Wild Turkey, half empty } 1 copy of _Situational_Ethics_ by Sen Alan Cranston (foreward by } charles Keating) } } The bedclothes were tossed in thirty different directions, with the } salesman in a fetal postion clutching a baseball bat, presumably } having a nightmare about Federal regulation. } } Clear enough? } } You owe the Oracle a policy with the Oracle as chief beneficiary. --- 381-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is the job of an oracle a hard one? Do you ever have any holidays? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the Usenet Oracle's answering machine. I am currently having } a holiday in Bulgaria. If you want to leave a message, forget it. --- 381-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle, who knows the time in all the time zones in the blink of > an eye, and who can calculate the exact position of every single atom > in the universe in a shorter time than most of us spend tieing our > shoes every morning, I beeseech you, tell me this : > > What good is the B-2 Stealth Bomber anyhow? > > I will check my e-mail every ten minutes in anticipation of your > wise and correct answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The B-2 Stealth Bomber has more uses that meets the eye, mostly because } this IS a Stealth Bomber. Unfortunately, the airplane was developed by } the U.S. to sneak up on the "Evil Empire" which no longer, and never } did exist. So what are they being used for now? } } I believe that there were some 40 planes made. } } - Santa picked up one so he could avoid being shot at over LA. } - 14 went to Universal Studios and were used as props in their latest } movie, "Iron Eagle 31: A sneaky trip to the quickie mart!" } - I bought one for Lisa should she could get around without being } hounded by worthless Oracle newbies. } - 3 were purchased by the National Foundation for the Arts and have } walnut linoleum with kitchen utensils glued to the outside in an } attempt at a modern art display. } - Burger King got 13 and are using them as playground attractions in 9 } cities around the US. } - The Home Shopping network grabbed the remaining 7, and only managed } to sell one to an eldery woman in Nebraska who is now using it to } scare the neighborhood kids. } } But that is only 39, where is the last Stealth Bomber? } } The last unaccounted for aircraft is currently being used by John } Sununu secret trips to Fredricks of Hollywood. } } You owe the Oracle a device that will defeat the Stealth technology so } I can figure out where Lisa has flown off to. --- 381-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gastronomically omniscient Oracle, the pungence of whose > knowledge is the wasabi in the nigiri-zushi of life, please tell me: > > If girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, > how come they taste like tuna fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They taste like tuna fish because that is what you want them } to taste like. It all goes back to your childhood when your } mother made you a tunna fish sandwhich and you choked on it. } They rushed you the hospital where this pretty young nurse } looked after you and .... } } You owe the Oracle a fix for this Fraudian syndrome and } a illustrated book of lymmerics about the Young Lady of Kent } (I'm still young at heart and **body**). --- 381-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > %grovel -a lot -to oracle > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, whose knowledge is perfect, for if Thou > disagreest with humanity, humanity is wrong. I grovel before Thee, > embodiment of Wisdom, incarnation of Knowledge, Master of the Gods! If > only > ^C > %ask -random > What is the meaning of Life, the Univers and Everything? > % And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % yell-at-supplicant -nerd_usage } % yell-at-supplicant -overused_question } % yell-at-supplicant -stupid_unix_references } % yell-at-supplicant -insincere_groveling } % answer-question -stupid -hitchikers -randomize > /dev/supplicant } } You owe the Oracle an asthestically-pleasing space after your "%" } prompt. --- 381-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and all wise Oracle, whose teeth are more blindingly white > than those that any mortal could possibly acheive, please lend me some > of the radiance from those teeth to illuminate this question. > > What is the point of that 'Look ma, I'm eating my oatmeal' commercial > (other than to take up commercial time)... > > Also, what nut came up with that stupid commercial?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Friend, you have touched upon one of the deepest mysteries of the } world. } } Some would say that taking up commercial time is indeed its prime } purpose, others would say that it is the Government trying the } brainwash the public. } } Only I, the Great Usenet Oracle, and now you, my humble servant, knows } better. } } In 1963 the Soviet Military Intelligence Agency, GRU, smuggled an agent } into the States. They took great care at giving her a false background } that would withstand the closest examinations. They did this by killing } another woman just as she moved to another state for work. The agent } then took her name and face by plastic surgery. } } (The other woman had been a spy for the Soviet Civilian Intelligence } Agency KGB, who had planted her in 1945 as an infant. It is this sort } of accident that leads to the somewhat cool relation between the two } agencies. That is another story.) } } To be an effective agent she must get information back to her superiors } in Moscow. This is usually this riskiest part of an agents job and many } different schemes have been used. This is where the oatmeal commercials } enter the story. This particular agent is employed in the commercial } department of a major TV network and can manipulate the commercials } in subtle ways to get coded messages out. } } This particular commercial is in fact designed to get you, the } audience, to leave the TV set and generally _not_ watch it. Towards the } end of the commercial is a part that varies from day to day in very } tiny details. This is the coded message. } } Last year that part of GRU was fired and burned its files. There was no } way of alerting the agent without tipping of the authorities, so for } more than a year she has been sending messages that nobody has } received. } } Enjoy your oatmeal, } The Usenet Oracle. --- 381-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know what? As always you were right again! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's nice to know I'm appreciated, you grovel-less swine, } and thanks for writing back. Now for those of you out there in } the Oracular Congregation who don't know what we're talking } about, I'd like to introduce Nervel the Grovel-less Swine, } questioner #Qa23499, who once approached the Oracle on bended } knee to ask a question, praise Gawd. The Oracle bent down to } touch this poor dipstick, brothers and sisters, and a MIRACLE } happened on this very tel-uh-vision network. } } Now, friends, reach out and touch your computer screen, and pray } along with me as our dear friend Nervel gives his touching } TEStimony! } } Nervel: I, um, I didn't used to get a lot of girls... } } Oracle: YES! Praise Gawd. Go on, brother... } } Nervel: [wipes nose on back of hand] And, um, and I had a real } problem with body odor? And technique, and stuff? } } Oracle: Did you hear that, brethren? He had a short schlong, } too, didn't you brother Nerval? } } Nervel: Yeah! And I didn't know how to use it. So I came to } Oracle and I groveled, and, um... } } Oracle: What happened then, brother? } } Nervel: And I gave him a donation and became a Lifetime Oracular } Outreach Partner... } } Oracle: Bless God. As you give so shall it be multiplied back } unto you. } } Nervel: And then he answered my question. And I stopped } smellin' so bad! And I got a life! And my schlong } grew and I knew how to use it! And Lisa came to me } in a dream and told me what women want! Gosh golly, } Oracle, you know what? As always, you were RIGHT AGAIN! } } Oracle: Hallelujah! Honolulu! Glory, cash and more glory, this } is a great day in the life of this poor, pitiful sap, } isn't that right friend. } } ```ZAP!''' [Nervel turns into a goat and is sacrified at the } altar]. } } Oracle: Too bad I don't give a shit. } } You owe the Oracle some of your manna cast on the waters in } small, unmarked bills. --- 381-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose very pores ooze the Great Manna Of Life, please help > me! > > IIIII have a ppppprobbbblem with my kkkkkeyboarrrrrd. Sometimmmes, > my kkkkkkeys gettttt stttuckkkk. WWWWhat should I dooooooo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Whose very pores...." I like it. } } Two options come to mind: You can plug in your terminal then rinse it } off with water (make sure you are standing in the shower with it when } you do this); } You can tell everyone you type with a } stutter. } } Look, buddy, we *both* know why you have a sticky keyboard, don't we? } Let's not pretend you've been a good boy. Wash the damn thing with } soapy water and try to practice "safe masturbation" in the future. } Rubbers aren't just for those who can actually get dates, you know. } } You owe the Oracle a bologna sandwich. --- 381-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omnipotent Oracle, strangest sage: > > Why is your email box @iuvax.cs.indiana.edu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my son, it has to with the black art of Internet addresses. } } In a nutshell, each word to the right of that "@" sign is a "domain", } and as you travel to the right the domains get larger and more } encompassing; a domain is either a single computer (at the rightmost } extreme) or a whole group of computers (each group getting larger as } you move to the right). } } Now then, let's look at the domains that define my emailbox, from most } generic to most specific (i.e., from right to left): } } .edu: "edu" is an abbreviation for "Eduardo's", which is a very popular } pizza parlor in these parts. (Everybody knows that the Usenet } Oracle and many other Illumina.. er, intellects practically live } on pizza.) Other domains which are common in this position are } "com" for the domain of Communist infiltrators, "mil" for the } domain of Milk-Bone eaters, and "gov" for "Guests Of Vanilla } (Ice)" although why anyone would want to be one of these latter } is completely beyond me. } } .indiana: A lot of people think that this "indiana" refers to the } state. Some of the more learned computer types think that it } refers to the university. They're all wrong. It refers to } that special breed of man who is handsome, rugged, } adventurous, and a damn good archaeologist. } } .cs: Betcha thought this was "Computer Science" right? Wrong again, } dude-breath. Here "cs" means "CognoScenti". } } .iuvax: This is a misspelling which has become common usage. It } should actually be "iouvax", as it is a computer which is } associated with unusually high lab fees. However, since it also } happens to be my girlfriend Lisa's Nintendo game, I get to use it } for free. } } SO, putting this all together, my emailbox describes someone who uses } Lisa's computer, is a really, REALLY ingenious and influential } archaeologist who likes to flourish his, er, whip, beat up Nazis and } eat Eduardo's pizza. Namely ME. } } You owe the Oracle three Usenet postage stamps. --- 381-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh powerful oracle, seeer of all that is to be seen, hearer of all that > is to be heard, smeller of all that is to be smelled, and washer of all > that is to be washed, I ask you lend me your ear and answer this for > me: > > Who do you turn to when you are perplexed by a problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered your question at length, and is pleased to be } of help to those who seek proof of the Oracle's great wisdom. } } There is only one being to which the Oracle need ever turn. It is a } fantastic being, all-knowing, all-seeing, and an interminable source } of ready advice on all things. } } Whenever the Oracle is unable to answer a question or is perplexed by } any problem, it is to this great being that the Oracle turns. } } You will cower in fear and veneration when you speak the name of the } Omniscient One: the columnist known as Ann Landers. } } You owe the Oracle a grain of salt and a Dear Abby kewpie doll.