From oracle-request Sat Dec 21 12:06:54 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 21 Dec 91 12:06:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #387 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 387 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #387 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 21 Dec 91 12:06:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 387 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 382 10 votes 17011 13033 02422 14230 40321 21511 15301 04411 06121 16201 382 2.8 mean 2.4 3.4 3.4 2.7 2.6 2.8 2.5 2.9 2.8 2.4 --- 387-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh anaconda, tell me why the crane > Should be samoan when the toadstools scream: > A wailing hermit never maims a brain, > Although 'tis true that felons harm a bream. > My heart is spacious, likewise it is red, > When e'er I see the crazy carrots write; > I lost the briny princess -- for a bed > Had madly spluttered as it chewed a light. > Alas! the days of midwife, elk, and bat > Are gone, and now the hungry bailiffs blink; > Momentous was the crocus, now so fat > And ospreys cannot squash the smiling drink. > I shall no longer hide the ancient goose: > Life's not an ogre, but a gruesome moose! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ask me, so to say, from when } To juxtapose forget-me-not's sporran } When Pittsburgh ginger segregates its tittle, } Depressing ball-and-socket joints a little. } Irrelative to lithograph's depravity } The coal unfurls sinister gravity; } The wroth salvationists are forking } Another unmembraneous faun by Hawking, } While chiffon's only lily tea } Is incommens'rability. } You see, a crumbly terracotta zither } Will never use consultants, never wither, } Will shelter chilblains, snub a packthread, } And then, when fixing, it will take head } Of irredeemable goggle-box. } Catching smallpox, catching pox } Is one of manful Gaelic stirrups } In times of counter-espionage, versus eliminating other crotchety } insobrieties, FIRST seizing, then ROUGHENING, then SALVING! } STOP THIS DESCRIBABLE DESIDERATUM!! } I WANT ANOTHER POINT-BLANK SHOT!! } AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! } } kinzler@iuvax [~] kill 4532 } } Now look at this! Someone caused the Oracle program to go crazy! } It will probably take weeks to fix! } } You owe the Oracle twenty-one gluey orifices, glozed over by a } hardwood settee. --- 387-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [The USENET Oracle finds a glass bottle in his mailbox] > +-------------+ > > ORACLE: Hey what's that!? suplicants are supposed to send their > questions via e-mail, not inside glasss bottles! > > [Oracle opens the bottle and finds a scrap of paper inside] > > +----------------------------------------------+ > |HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP | > | | > |To: whoever finds this note. | > | | > |I am a prisoner on an island. The bad guys | > |call it "the village". They call everyone | > |by numbers. They call me Number 6. I have | > |never seen number 1, but on every episode | > |there is a different number 2, who demands | > |information. | > | | > |I've tried every possible way to escape but | > |somehow, everytime I find myself back in the | > |"village" before the episode ends. | > | | > |Please help me. | > | | > |I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE (?) MAN! | > +----------------------------------------------+ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question will finally be answered, here on The Net. } } _I_ am Number One. You are Number Six. You cannot escape the Village } because I, the omnipotent Oracle, control it. Give up, Number Six. It } will be easier in the long run. } } You owe the Oracle everything you know. Just tell Number Two, it will } get to me. --- 387-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wondrous Oracle, Oh He Who Has The Knowledge To Do All, See > All, Yet Still Answers Our Petty Questions, please, oh please, could > you tell me: > > Exactly who uses that weird part of the stapler that makes the > staple flange outward, rather than inward? > > (Figure one: _____ flange "in" > \/ \/ > > _____ flange "out" > \/ \/ ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've hit upon a problem that plagues even the Oracle herself } (yes, I said HERself), and it's not just limited to staplers, } either. } } Like, what do you call it when you go to open a pop-top can, and } the top snaps off in your hand, so you have to open the soda with } a screwdriver, and it sprays everywhere? } } And why does the cigarette lighter in the car just one day stick } like that, and it won't pop out, and you think "hey, is this } thing going to light my dashboard on fire?" } } And did you ever notice that sometimes when you go to stick your } gum under a desktop, someone's been there before you with gum or } worse? } } And fortune cookies! Who writes those things? Some day I'd like } to get one that said "You're about to get stuck with the check, } and he's not even any good at oral sex!" } } Then there's the aerosol can that sticks in the "open" position, } the kitchen gas pilot light that keeps going out and threatening } your life, and Andy Rooney, who NEVER shuts up, and likes to ruin } a perfectly good hour-long show. } } The Oracle's pet peeve, however, is men's John Henrys. I mean, } let's face it, girls, size DOES count, and most of those things } are too small. And I have yet to meet the man who knows how to } use one. The rule is, NEVER FORGET THE CLITORIS. Beyond that, } it's like falling off a... well, you know. } } Now to answer your question, the weird part of the stapler that } makes the staple flange "out" rather than "in" was created by } Satan himself. It's evil. Anything else? } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of lubricant and your Swiss Army } Knife. --- 387-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty, all knowing Oracle, I abase myself before thy plattitude. > Why is it that questioners of yours so often uncover the great > mysteries of the Universe by asking silly questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is, my friend, that the universe is silly. } } Many religions concern themselves with the True Name of God. This True } Name is actually Phlegmbippie Non Cogito Vishnu Squirtcarrot, but when } your average medium spits that out, it is discarded as too silly. } } I mean, it's obvious how silly the universe is when you realize how } silly an activity sex is. Whould people really get into those odd, } unnatural positions if they realized how silly they look? I think not. } } Silliness is everywhere. It binds us togther, flows through everything. } It is soft and chewy, it is hard and chrunchy. It is the Tao, the } Buddah, the One True Path, the Limitless Light. God made us in him } image, and we are silly. } } You owe the Oracle a stupid hat. --- 387-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > can you tell me what you do with all the stuff you demand from > questioners after they have had their questions answered? can you give > examples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I've been waiting for just such a question! Congratulation, } petitioner, you are lucky caller number 3411313 to the Oracle Internet } Shopping Network.(TM) This entitles you to your choice of a $500 } credit or an autographed T-shirt, sure to be a collectors item and a } way to be the hit of your next BOF. } } There are just 3.121324 milliseconds left on the puce colored } biodegradable indoor-outdoor carpeting special. No? Well, time's up, } anyway. } } Perhaps you would like to ftp our catalog from ftp.oracle.com. (It is } in the /pub directory, where else?) We know of no other shopping } network with our diversity of merchandise, which is shipped via } Etherial Express for only a $X.400 shipping charge, guaranteed to } arrive fully checksummed and ready to be unpacketized. (Shipping for } some items extra, such as the life size working model of the Universe, } complete with instructions.) } } Some items are available in limited quantites, and we reserve the right } to substitute merchandise of equal or better quality. (Sorry, we're } all out of inflatable vaccuum powered Linda Lovelace dolls at the } moment, perhaps you'd settle for the Tipper Gore sex doll instead--it } just lays there humming "Amazing Grace".) } } All you need to order is to supply us with your Internet number. We'll } get the rest of the information from NIC. Purchaser is responsible for } any taxes, duty, and charges of possession of substances illegal in } his/her domain. } } We're open 24 hours a day, telnet to ripoff.oracle.com, login: sucker. } Thanks for calling the Oracle Internet Shopping Network. --- 387-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Master Oracle, to whom none could be apprentice let alone journeyman, > I am prepared to invest all my savings in a miraculous pigcleaning > formula. They come out pinker than pink, they really do! Some people > have advised me that I would be foolish to invest all my savings in a > miraculous pigcleaning formula; they say there is a very limited > market for clean pigs, although they admit they themselves would prefer > to eat a clean pig rather than a dirty pig. Should I follow my heart, > which urges me to invest, or my friends' advice, which suggests a > few weeks of bedrest and some nice, safe savings bonds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy are you lucky! You probably made one of the smartet decisions in } your life. My sincere congratulations! My congratulations for } ASKING MY ADVICE FIRST! Because otherwise you would have listened to } your heart, not to your mind (which was trying to convince you to buy } that house). } } Let me tell you about that "pinker than pink" formula first. It was } developed in the late thirties by the Germans, as you probaly know. } They used it for camouflage in the second world war. But it didn't } prove to be quite useful because of some rather strange kind of } behavior displayed by the French resistance (which, I won't explain } in detail, but briefly mention that it was quite painful for some } German soliders to sit after using that product.) } } After the war, American enterpreneur James Pinkerton tried to market } the formula as a mouthwash. He failed. The "pinker than pink" (known } as "Pinkerton Pink" at that time) was nothing but pink paint! } Unfortunately, Pinkerton realized that too late. } } I guess you ran into one of his grandchildren, because they are } trying to recover the money their grandfather lost by marketing the } "pink stuff" (as they call it among themselves) to unsuspecting } young yupies like you. } } So my advice is: forget about pinker than pink. It's only paint! } } Ok, so you want a solid investment for your hard earned money? Why } don't you consider buying Oracle stocks? } } You owe the Oracle the real thing. --- 387-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle, who had the foresight to denounce > George Bush even before he proved his economic ineptitude, who > planned his relations with the Slavic Commonwealth before Gorbachev > even came to power, who even sold short the day before the 1987 Wall > Street crash, I beseech thee to impart some of thine prescient wisdom > upon this lowly of lowlies, this total unworthy who is not even fit > to lick the snot from your nose, who [remainder of grovelling deleted > due to tastelessness, but believe me, it's grovelling]... > > A hypothetical question: let us suppose that, as a result of > Hell freezing over, David Duke manages to get elected President. Let > us also suppose that Quebec secedes from Canada and gets really > pissed off at American trading practices. What would you say the > chances are that this would result in a war, and if so, where would > the best place be to hole up while both sides blow the crap out of > each other? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear Not, my properly grovelling Questioner: } } This incarnation looks upon your question with great favor, } considering the manner in which it was posed. I will } therefore give you a glimpse of the future: } } Let us assume that Hell froze over and David Duke became } President. Let us also consider Quebec's secession from } Canada, and consequent dislike of the American trading } situation. For four years, the Quebec Elite National Guard } would make forays and sorties against Maine, Vermont, and } New Hampshire. The attacks would be repulsed by US customs } agents who would not allow items of over $2,000, including } heavy artillery, to cross the border. Those enterprising } Elite Guards who hid their firearms in the backs of their } tanks, and were then able to get through customs, would } be ignored by the locals, who were more interested in } watching LA Law. Upset and frustrated, the Elite guard would } return to Quebec, and play a game of hockey. } } After four years, of course, once the Presidential elections } rolled around again, all of the French people in Quebec } would flow across the border like a large herd of Caribou, } or perhaps Lemmings, and elect Jerry Lewis, their Idol, as } the next President. The reign of terror would be over. Of } course, as a joke, President Lewis would detonate the } entire nuclear arsenal of the US, as part of the 1812 } Overture. Such a massive explosion would cause Hell to thaw, } making it, in fact, a rather nice resort. } } Therefore, it would behoove you to buy some real estate } along the Styx. } } Thus speaketh the Oracle! --- 387-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is. } Is Not. } The world would be a much nicer place if the logical positivists had } not exerted such great influence on twentieth century thought. } } On second though, it is not entirely fair to blame it all on them. I } think that we are dealing with a long tradition of stupid people. } } Is would mean a lot more if everyone lived their lives feeling that } they were living it in the presence of God. } } Probably not what you wanted to hear. } } Nothing. } } That is about what human thought signifies. } Don't ponder that to closely- you might become a positivist or a } nihilist or something. Actually- I think that you already are a } nihilist. } } Don't eat cream cheese. Cream cheese is a trap set by Satan. } } You owe the Oracle a real question. --- 387-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonder of wonders and all that other grovel garbage. I'm not > feeling well today so I'll make it short: > > Why the hell can't my brother get a girlfriend. What's his problem. > He's better looking than me. He's more fit than me. I on the > otherhand am happily married. What gives? > > Your humble (and somewhat infectious) supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's take a quick look in on your brother Marc, who is currently } watching TV and drinking a beer in Cambridge, Massachusetts: } } } } [Marc sits in a ratty green chair and clicks the remote control.] } } MARC: GODDAMN SHIT ON TV! I HATE THIS FUCKIN SHIT! NOTHIN FUCKIN } GOOD ON TV! GODDAMN IT! } } [Marc vomits voluminously, nearly drowning the cat.] } } MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN FLU! I HATE THE FUCKIN FLU! I HATE MY FUCKIN } BROTHER WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKIN FLU! } } [The doorbell rings. Marc rises, cursing, and sloshes through the } vomit to open the front door. Traci is here, wearing a see-through } negligee and low-cut panties] } } TRACI: Ooh, Markie, you're sick! I love it when you're sick! } } MARC: FUCK OFF! } } [Marc slams the door, and vomits a huge wet splash onto the closed } door. He sloshes back to his seat and drains the rest of his beer.] } } MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS! FUCKIN VISITORS WHEN I WANNA } FUCKIN WATCH TV! } } [Candi wanders in from the bedroom, wearing a spiked leather bra. She } stands in the doorway.] } } CANDI: Marc, honey? Are you coming back ... to bed? } } MARC: FUCK OFF! } } [Marc vomits violently on Candi, blowing her back into the bedroom.] } } MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS WHEN I'M FUCKIN WATCHIN TV! } } [Marc vomits on TV, shorting it out in a gaudy explosion of glass and } sparks.] } } MARC: FUCK! } } } } So, you see your brother's problem. He's just too sensitive. He } needs to be less afraid of taking the dominant role in a relationship. } } You owe the Oracle device B. --- 387-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who knowest all, > Why have I only got one ball? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Questioner, it is clear to see } Why you have asked this question of me } } This query has passed down through the ages } And confounded quite a number of sages } } In tennis one usually begins with three } So are you missing a pair? It occurs to me } } You might have lost them, one by one } Launched into the sea, or shot by a gun } } But no, that answer is far too clear } The truth of the matter is not as near } } The game of baseball is not at hand } For many a ball might be hit towards the stand } } If one suggests football I'd be annoyed } For that's not a ball--it's an ellipsoid } } Hockey of course uses a puck } Don't look there--you'd be out of luck } } So back to your problem of a singular sphere } Do people gawk, and stare, and sneer? } } Although I know the answer you request } I will not directly comply with your behest } } For the cause of your problem can be no other } It must be your father, or your mother } } This unilateral decision of Fate } Depends upon being set straight } } For basketball is your game, my son } Where your total ball count numbers One } } Thus speaketh the Oracle, wise beyond years } Send me a gift, mail order from Sears.