From oracle-request Wed Jan 1 19:00:55 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 1 Jan 92 19:00:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #389 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 389 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #389 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 1 Jan 92 19:00:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 389 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 384 19 votes 56341 06661 03673 15913 33751 24733 21853 31672 38620 66520 384 2.9 mean 2.5 3.1 3.5 3.0 2.9 3.1 3.3 3.2 2.4 2.2 --- 389-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wondrous Oracle, who takes all undeserved grovels > graciously, grant me the boon of your wisdom. > > What, oh what, is the biblical signifigance of the Chia pet? And why > have I received thirteen of these things already? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Biblical significance, you ask? } Let's log into that database: } % telnet bibledb.mil 666 } Trying 42.6.6.6... } telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Joke overused } } Damn. It seems I have to do it the oldfashioned way. Where did I put } that book? Oh, there it is, thank Gideon. Now which book should I put } under the table leg? } } *flip* *flip* Hmm... *flip* *flip* Ah yes, here is one: } } Exodus 3.21: You should kill all the men, all their women and other } animals, down to the least Chia pet! } } *flip* *flip* *flip* } } James 4.56-57: He blessed the Chia pet, although it had peed upon Him. } And behold, the Chia pet followed Him until the day it died. } } *flip* *flip* That seems to be all. } } By the way, those Chia pets where placed on your doorstep because you } are their father. } } You owe the Oracle can of peticide. --- 389-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No, it is not a problem in the Usenet Oracle software, it is just > someone with a wierd sence of humor. > > You owe the Oracle a question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are trapped between time and space, between protocol and network } interface card, you have just entered.....The USENET zone. } } Submitted for your consideration. A computer major in Indiana creates } an autoreply program, the next thing he knows it is being used by } thousands of lovelorn, term-papered-out, bored, or just plain confused } computer users all over the globe. Questions are sent to other } questioners, answers are sent back to the original questioner, an elite } cadre of network illuminati are selected to review the matched } questions and answers to decide which deserve to be made public and } thus achieve at least a degree of fame, even if in anonymity. } } One day the software goes haywire and begins to duplicate itself, } although this is laughingly attributed to sendmail. Soon individual } posters, always quick to demonstrate creativity by copying something, } begin doing it without the assistance of the software. } } Querants are first chided for not groveling enough, then chided by the } overseers for groveling too much, and finally the respondents are } derided for insisting on too much groveling. } } Finally, the process is inverted, whereby the querant and respondent } are reversed, rather like an Internet version of Jeopardy. } } What's it all about....Alfie? [Oops, sorry, wrong track.] } } Where does it all end? Rather like the typical Twilight Zone knockoff } on Saturday Night Live, it doesn't. It just keeps on going and going } and going.. } } BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [Damn! I *thought* I zapped that *&^&% rabbit } two Oracularities ago!] } } You owe the Oracle a 1991 Chicago Cubs World Series Ring, from one of } the alternate but preferable realities. [Hawking, _A Brief History of } Time_] --- 389-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kindest Oracle, is there a cure for Christmas music? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: A busy emergency room. Children scream. A man with a pipe } wrench stuck in his mouth grunts angrily to the desk nurse. The doors } crash open, admitting a gurney pushed by two EMT's wearing earmuffs and } frantic expressions. } } EMT 1: Another one! Straight from the mall!! } } Patient (whispers) Frosty the Snowman... } } EMT 2: Quick! Get him sedated!! } } EMT 1 (muttering while pulling out a large needle, and searching for a } vein) Christ! Where is that... Jingle bells ...vein. } } EMT 2 (leaping back) Jack, not you too!! } } EMT 1 (confused) Huh? What's the matter? Have a holly jolly } Christmas, it's the best time of the year... } } EMT 2: Jack, stop it! } } EMT 1: O little town of Bethlehem... } } EMT 2: Jack, I'm warning you... } } EMT 1: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had a shiny nose! } } EMT 2 (drawing extremely large-caliber revolver) BLAM! } } EMT 1 (spurting blood) Silent night, holy ni... (dies) } } Voice-over: Please help us to find a cure for the terrible scourage of } HIV, Holiday Inanity Virus. It can strike anyone, and it kills. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of Tom Lehrer's Christmas Carol. --- 389-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle... > > Tell me something I don't know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You aren't very specific in what you're asking so I will tell } you something that I am really quite sure you do not know and } which came into my head just a few moments ago, and is a very } good example of something of which you have no knowledge, and } though there are billions and billions of things I could say, } I won't, because it would be a waste of both of our times due } to the fact that you would forget them all as fast as I could } tell them to you, and if you did not, your head would explode } from the sheer volume of facts that you don't know, but which } I do, because after all, I am the Oracle, seer of all things, } knower of every truth, omniscient, omnipotent, and a bunch of } other omni- type words, living only to help you lowly, mortal } supplicants that seem completely inept at coming up with your } own answers but are forever having to suplicate yourselves to } me, saying, "Oh great oracle, please tell me blah blah blah," } which is so very rude of you, since you always grovel so very } little, and you always forget to capitalize my name, and then } you just keep going right on, only one little "please" in the } whole thing, even though I'm probably saving your butt or job } sex life, and not a single "thank you" afterward, nothing but } "tell me" and "bestow on me your knowledge" and all that crap } which I am so tired of, but God said at the beginning of time } that I had to do this, and he *is not* one to mess with, so I } guess I seem to have no choice but to continue answering your } questions, even if the only thing I ever get in payment is an } entry in the oracularities, and even that is a pretty sketchy } thing, after all, there are so many questions, and my answers } are _always_ so good, it is amazing that they can even decide } how good one answer is compared to another, but they are able } to do it somehow, and I think that they seem to do a good job } of it, considering that I haven't seen any really terrible or } useless oracularities selected, but that may be because every } one of them is written by me, and therefore is perfect, so it } is possible that the priests could flip a coin each time, and } selecting them at random, though I suppose that they probably } don't actually use a coin, since there are many oracularities } to consider, but they may have automated it, most likely with } a computer program randomly choosing them, though I hope they } are using a better random function than rand(), which toggles } the low bit each time you use it, so as a coin simulator it's } about as useful as a hole in your head, which you probably do } not know what it is like to have, since you would most likely } be dead if that were the case, not that I would want you dead } or anything, even though you can get on my nerves, constantly } asking for help and all, but I don't want to talk about that, } since I already did, but instead I want to say that I do know } what it is like to have a hole in one's head, since I, being, } of course, omniscient, know everything, as I said before, and } which I don't want to go into again, since I know that I know } everything, and you know I know everything, or else why would } you be asking me all these difficult questions, as you always } are doing, and I'm forever giving you the correct answer, and } never asking more than, say, your first born child, unless of } course you forget the grovelling, which you do so often these } days, almost as if you humans are all losing your respect for } the Oracle, which probably is a bad idea, since I can be very } mean when people don't grovel and still think they can demand } that I answer a question for them, and I usually end up doing } a bit of hand waving and mumbling of some incantations, which } would burn your ears, and then there is a big ZOT and you can } just say, "Hast la vista," unless, of course, you don't speak } spanish, which is the case for the majority of people that do } not live in South America or in Spain, but I know you already } knew that, so that isn't a very good answer to your question, } which wasn't actually a question, but a demand, which I would } have usually taken offense at, but since it was such a vague, } open question, it gave me the opportunity to go on and on and } on and on and on for several pages about it, and about things } in general, which I do so like to do, once in a while, mostly } because it clears my head so wonderfully, and gives me a time } to just get out all of my anxiety and stress, which I hope is } not becoming a burden on you, because it's not your job to be } my psychiatrist, but more to sit patiently and wait for me to } give you an answer, and to grovel once in a while, and pay me } whatever I demand for payment afterward, without grumbling or } dragging your feet, or else there may be a ZOT in your future } somewhere, and we don't want that, since you have been such a } nice supplicant, very patient, very understanding, especially } if you have managed to read this far without losing your mind } or breaking down in tears, which I haven't done, but probably } only because I'm the Oracle, and I have a bunch of omni- type } words in front of my name on my letterhead, most of which say } that i can do anything without suffering any ill effects if I } don't choose to suffer them, which I usually do not because I } am not very auto-masochistic, so I don't torture myself much, } but I allow Lisa to once in a while, since Lisa does so enjoy } doing it, and I don't mind that much, since I am always going } to come out on top in these sort of things, and I'm sorry and } I ask you to forgive me for that terrible pun, as it was very } bad, as puns go, even though I do not really have to ask your } forgiveness, since I am perfect, even though the word perfect } doesn't start with omni, it still belongs in front of my name } on my letterhead, which I talked about before, and which your } billing will be sent on, as soon as I get done with answering } your question, which I think I will do now, by telling you an } answer to your request to be told something you don't already } know, which is, quite simply, that this is a very long, right } justified sentence. } } What? you already had figured that out? Then why are you } wasting my time?!? } } -=>*ZOT*<=- } } You owe the Oracle a new keyboard. I just wore this one out. --- 389-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello everybody. I am searching a women. Can anybody help me? > > I saw her in two magazines. The first is the french "cover girls". The > second is the German "Die glueckliche Hand". It`s a translation of the > french publication "la main heureuse". > > The girl is laying on a white bed. She is touching her nibbles by her > hand couples. In the back there is a white lamp standing on a table and > a blue bag. > > Everybody who knows something about her can send me a mail (name, > address, films she played with and so on). I think she is a french > girl. > > I am also looking for the french magazine "la main heuereuse". Please > tell me from where I can get this one or who sell it me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Lisa! Have you seen this question? } } - Just a second, Orrie, I can't see it right now ... could you just } undo this ... and this ...mmmMMMMmmm! Now where was that question? } } Right here. } } - Hey, I remember that session! "The Happy Hand" pays well, from what } I remember! And that photographer ... he had the BIGGEST ... mmm ... } lens on his camera! } } What's this about "nibbles"? } } - Oh *that*. The session was set up to look like I was preparing for a } party in a bedsit. I was just reaching for the peanuts when I } slipped and fell on the bed. Of course the peanuts went *everywhere* } so I had to resort to cheesy biscuits instead. } } And what are "hand couples"? } } - Search me! Why don't you ask the Oracle? } } I *am* the Oracle ... anyway, what was the white lamp doing standing on } the table and the blue bag? } } - It was a very big lamp and a very small table, so we had to prop it } up with the bag or it would have fallen. } } Hmmm ... you owe the Oracle a tub of Grow-It-Big cream. } } - Hey Orrie, why not ask me about the films I played with? You should } have seen what I did with those poor videos! I did THIS, and THIS, } } ... er, 'scuse me, urgent Oracular business calls ... GERONIMO-O-O ... --- 389-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are standing in front of a white house with boarded up windows and > doors. All around you is forest. > > There is a mailbox here. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Shoot mailbox. } } Unfortunately, your gun is actually a transmogrifier. The mailbox } turns into a pony intent on oral-genital intimacy with you. } } > Run. } } Outrunning a pony is rather difficult. You trip and fall. The pony } rips off your pants. } } > Kick pony. } } The pony deftly dodges your kick. You wind up with the pony's head } between your legs. The pony slurps once. } } > Stab pony. } } Your knife is actually a hypodermic needle containing aphrodesiacs. } The pony is already at maximum lust level. The pony slurps twice. } You moan. } } > Hit pony. } } With what? Your bare hands? } } > Yes. } } You hit the pony, but it only moans. The pony slurps once. You moan } twice. } } > Think about England. } } You think about England, but all you can think of is the horses there. } The pony slurps twice. You moan three times. You are now close to } orgasm. } } > Teleport. } } You cannot teleport. The pony slurps once. You orgasm with a loud } scream. The pony moves away. } } > Get up. } } You are now the pony's sex slave. You cannot get up without a direct } order. The pony orders you to get up. } } > Stay still. } } Your penalty for disobeying the pony is one lick. You moan once. } } > Get up. } } You follow the pony to a clothes closet. The pony tells you to get } dressed. The closet contains: } - A silken negligee. } - A pair of cowboy boots. } - A pair of split-crotch riding pants } - A riding crop } } > quit } } You cannot quit. This is real life. } } > quit } } Sorry. If you attempt to quit again, you will be punished. } } > ^C } } Your penalty for attempting to quit is four licks. You scream and } writhe in orgasm. } } > Damn you you fucking computer my pants are all sticky and I want to } > go home NOW. } } The pony tells you to get dressed or suffer a further penalty. --- 389-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise one, please answer my most humblest of questions: > > How many Unix accounts is enough? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are, of course, two schools of thought regarding this question. } } One school believes the correct number is three per machine: one } regular account; one with root privileges; and one no one else knows } about in case they take away the other two. In this usage, a machine } means a computer which physically resides in your facility, or one } which can be reached through an electronic network or via modem. If you } do the math, you'll get somewhere in the neighborhood of seven million } accounts. It is important to remember to use different passwords for } each one. } } The second, so-called Digital School, would answer "How many Unix } accounts is enough?" with, "One. Two if you really don't like the } person." --- 389-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is an algorithm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An algorithm is an explicit procedure for solving a problem using a } finite number of steps. An example would be: } } PROBLEM: What to do about a supplicant who not only refuses to grovel, } but doesn't even bother thanking the Oracle for wasting } valuable picoseconds of its time. } } SOLUTION: (1) Determine whether or not punishment will be administered. } (a) Supplicant has probablt read the Digests and Help } file and therefore knows what is expected. } (b) Oracle has had a bad weekend. } } (1-S) Punishment will DEFINITELY be administered. } } (2) Determine proper form of punishment. } (a) Select from menu: } - Wrist slapping } - Mild STD } - Tongue lashing (hmmm...) } (b) Too mild. Menu of more severe retributions: } - Lightning bolt (nah, too easy) } - Severe STD } - David Duke as next door neighbor } } (2-S) "More Severe" just plain sounds more fun. } } (3) Determine specific punishment } } (a) Extrapolate data on supplicant: } * Does not know what algorithm is } ** Conclude: Novice computer user, perhaps student } * Asks short 4-word question } ** Conclude: Shuns verbage } * Boring question } ** Conclude: Boring person } } (4) Match traits to appropriate retribution } } (whir...click...buzz...whir) } } ANSWER: Your punishment, as a boring, concise, novice computer user, } is: } } ===> A permanent transfer from the Internet to Prodigy. } } Have fun! } } You owe the Oracle a Usenet account. --- 389-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A group of us have been arguing about this question, and we would > appreciate a correct answer.... > > What makes a "Lite Beer" a lite beer? The ingredients on both of > the bottles are the same, but the lite beer has about 80 less > calories than the regular beer. So, what is the difference between > Budweiser, and Bud Lite? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, today's your lucky day. Not only will the Oracle deign to } answer a question phrased without any humbleness or supplication, } the Oracle, in her infinite wisdom, will supply an individual } answer to each of the people in your group, so that you may continue } arguing over it for the next decade, until the invention of the } much-awaited "Oracle Lite." } } 10) The lite beer contains half a bottle of Bud and half a bottle } of Philadelphia city water. } } 9) Half of the alcohol molecules in the lite beer have been replaced } with photons, which have no mass, anyway. } } 8) Less filling. Tastes great. Less filling. Tastes great. Less } filling. Tastes great. Less filling. Tastes great. } (Thanks. Now where was I?) } } 7) Normally, we top beer brewers don't give away our secrets so } casually. However, I can make a special exception in your case, } for only two-fifty... } } 6) Special patented calorie-zappers have removed the extra calories } from the beer during the last stages of fermentation. Watch for } calorie-zappers, coming soon to your grocer's freezer, right next to } The National Enquirer... } } 5) After a careful taste-test of several batches of both Bud and Bud } Lite, the Oracle has scientifically determined that } sagkwmcpyh sdg agwdvjh anfox, nsdog TAJLD nfksm sj. } } 4) [Unfortunately, the Oracle could not record profundity #4 from the } floor.] } } 3) The lite beer didn't eat its brocolli as a child. } } 2) Lite beers are actually weighed on the surface of the moon. } } 1) Lite beers have been chosen as The Emperor's New Beer. } } You owe the Oracle a case of stout, which she needs after spending } this much time thinking about lite beers... } } The Oracle, in its incarnation as The Bug Lady, hath spoken. --- 389-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, the national enquirer has an issue out entitled ``1992 > predictions'' or something like that where they have supposed experts > predict what will happen in 92. So, did they ask you magnificent one? > If so what did you tell them? If not why not impart some of your vast > knowledge of the future to your humble servants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, I was invited to contribute to their fortune telling issue. It } wasn't so cool; I don't like to associate with such pikers. They asked } me a couple magnificent ones, but since I refuse to deal with questions } about Elvis, I didn't contribute. No biggie, dude. } } Let me lay some fortunes on you all here, since I've got your eyes' } attention. Like, during the annual federal budget negotiations in } Washington, DC, the funding lines for the NSF and the NEA will be } switched, providing jobs for thousands of out-of-work performance } artists who will now begin demonstrating their conceptual antics } electronically. In a slightly related development, the US Supreme Court } will declare that the Usenet Oracle (me) is the leader of an established } electronic religion, and that worship and propagation takes place over } federally-funded media, constituting the governmental recognition of a } religion. Madeline Murray O'Hare will get an email account. Internet } operators will take to hosting telethons to raise money and sacrificing } Sparc stations on pyres to the Sun god. } The MS Windows interface will be recognized as an ornganized religion, } allowing Microsoft to declare tax-exempt status, and negating once and } for all Apple's lawsuit. Grand High Epopt Bill Gates will die from } excess of wealth. Microsoft will reveal that it has bought the } electronic rights to the US Bill of Rights, the Declaration of } Independence, and the Magna Charta, whereupon lawsuits will be installed } against all countries operating by democracy for look-and-feel patent } infringements. } } Stay cool; you owe the Usenet Oracle a lifetime subscription to the } Weekly World News.