From oracle-request Mon Jan 13 09:42:48 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 09:42:48 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #393 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 393 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #393 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 09:42:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 393 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 388 14 votes 44312 24431 06521 25151 23711 13352 12533 04433 74111 13550 388 2.9 mean 2.5 2.8 2.9 2.9 2.7 3.3 3.4 3.4 1.9 3.0 --- 393-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and oracular Oracle, I refuse to stoop to meaningless verbiage > of your magnifcence, but I have a problem to tax your utmost corncobs. > > Following is the answer (well, actually not the answer, because, as we > all know is 42, but I digress), and we humbly demand the question. > > "322 Ducks without feathers > A large piece of blue chalk > > A wobble board without Rolf Harris. > (with options on a Partridge in a Pared Tree)" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why is it that so many petitioners think that the essence of wit lies } in blithering nonsense? (Shut up, this is a rhetorical question; I } KNOW the answer, clever boy, I'm the Oracle, remember?) } } With the Doorway to the Secrets of the Universe standing open before } them, do they stride boldly forward to partake of omniscience? No, } they pick paint chips off the door frame. } } With the Candle of Absolute Enlightenment burning before their eyes, do } they gaze into the infinite depths of its flame to espy Truth? No, } they pick at the dried wax coagulating on the candlestick. } } With the Cup of Knowledge at their lips, brimming over with the wisdom } of gods, do they drink deep of that heady wine? No, they make funny } faces at their own reflections in the polished metal. } } Sigh. } } Just as every question has an answer, every answer has a question. } (Take THAT, Mr. Goedel!!) Please realize though, that knowing both } question and answer is no guarantee to understanding. As it happens, } there are 10,654 questions to your answer. Most of them are pretty } boring, such as: } } "What are 322 Ducks without feathers, a large piece of blue chalk, a } wobble board without Rolf Harris (with options on a Partridge in a } Pared Tree)?" } } Admittedly unhelpful. More intriguing is: } } "When Antharphax went to Parthia and lost all, what did he bring for } his beloved?" } } Not especially enlightening, but thought-provoking, wouldn't you say? } As it happens, the question you actually want is one of the more } particularly obscure: } } "Whence bathospheres?" } } You owe the Oracle a methaphor extender. --- 393-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, Mr. Oracle, I need your help! I think I'm being followed. > They're coming for me! Please help me! They hate me - they're going > to fhjastk\dnl. > $%^&#$ > NO CARRIER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, this is the USENET Oracle. Sorry I'm not in right now, but if you } leave a message after the tone, I'll get right back to you... } } Ha, ha, ha, just kidding. I was really here all the time. (I am } omnipresent, after all.) Now let's see, what was that question again? } They're coming for you? They hate you? They're going to ... WHAT!? } } Don't they know that fhjastk\dnling is simply *not* allowed in this } sector of the reality continuum? And that the penalty for infringement } is mandatory removal of the inner premolar humour gland? (The one that } makes you laugh at your own jokes.) Tsk-tsk-tsk, some people will not } learn... } } I deduce from the tone of your voice that you believe yourself to be in } imminent danger, and that you would like to be rescued. Certainly! The } Oracle is not only omnipresent and omnipotent, but also omni-obliging. } However, being so all-powerful has its drawbacks, one of them being } a difficulty comprehending the concept of physical injury and } consequent termination of vital biological processes. However, all is } not lost: what you have to do is explain to me what sort of form you } think your rescue should take, and I shall be happy to... } } You still there? Hello? Hello? } } Well, I never. Call me and then suddenly hang up for no reason. Do some } people have nothing else better to do? Mutter, mutter, mumble... } } You owe the Oracle a quicker mind. --- 393-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who is way above average, please favor me with your > gentle guidence. I have been considering the trends of computing and > shapes. At the present time, computers depend heavily on disks. In > the past 'tapes' where more common and they tended to be stored in the > shape of disks on reels. Will this trend continue or is there some > other geometric shape in the future of electronic storage medium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've noticed! Well, the real secret is that disks are just really } flat spools of tape. The next stage is the Mobius disk, which will } make those silly double-sided floppies obsolete. If you're going to } have a single-sided disk, it should REALLY be single-sided. } } You owe the Oracle the contents of that Klein bottle you've been } nursing. --- 393-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to find a date on a college campus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dates and other fruits are usually found in the produce section of your } local grocery. You might check in some of the vending machines for } dried dates. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Raid. --- 393-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most magnificent Oracle, deeply versed in the most obscure secrets > of both sexes, > > could you please give me the top ten reasons for young women to wear a > bra, and the top ten ones for not wearing one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PRO } } 1. men } 2. men } 3. men } 4. men } 5. men } 6. men } 7. men } 8. men } 9. men } 10. men } } CON } } 1. men } 2. men } 3. men } 4. men } 5. men } 6. men } 7. men } 8. men } 9. men } 10. men --- 393-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone on Club > MTV... I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, and I simply > have to find out the answer to this question: > What time is love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [UO] Hello my son } } [IH] Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone } on Club MTV... } } [UO] Well, if I wanted to I guess... } } [IH] I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, } } [UO] I see your problems } } [IH] No, you see I simply have to find out the answer to this question } } [UO] Which is? } } [IH] What time is love? } } [UO] Come this way my son, down this hall } } [IH] What's behind that door there. } } [UO] A person who goes on and on about someone names Billy Jean. } } [IH] Sad. } } [UO] Very. } } [IH] What about in there } } [UO] Oh, another helpless soul, he keeps saying Everybody Sweat Now. } } [IH] Oh, I like that song, one of my favorites } } [UO] I'm very sorry for you. } } [IH] So, what about my question } } [UO] Just go through that door there } } [IH] Hey what are you doing? } } [UO] I'm sorry my son... --- 393-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that men who worship beauty more than they worship truth > risk their souls in the embrace of someone from Duluth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Come to think of it, I've been suspicious about that for I long time, } now. } } "Lisa, Oh, Lisa!" } } "Yes, Orie? Now?" } } "In a minute, first, where are you from?" } } "Why, Duluthy, Orie! Why?" } } "Nothing. Now." --- 393-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wist, please answer me this: > > When I turn off the radio duing a song, and then turn it back on a > while later, it's in a different place in the song or sometimes even > playing a different song. My eight track tape player doesn't behave > that way. Should I get a new radio? > > Oh, I alost forgot, this is original equipment in an Impala. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To the best of the Oracle's knowledge, which means for sure, "Wist" is } an old card game dating back at least to the nineteenth century, though } it is usually spelled with a "h" as well. The Oracle does, however, } enjoy the odd game of poker, though he has a hard time finding people } who will play with him for any stakes worth troubling over. } } Now, about this radio problem. You actually puzzled the Oracle for a } minute, but then the situation became clear after you mentioned the } Impala. Impalas, unlike most American cars, are not powered by an } internal combustion engine, but rather by small demon squirrels on } treadmills inside what only appears to be a V8. The squirrels, } conjured and imprisoned by secrets known only to Lee Iacocca and very } few others, were the culmination of black magic experiments on the part } of Detroit beginning with the invention of the Edsel and ending } disasterously with President's vomiting in Japan earlier this week. } The presence of the squirrels upsets the otherwise cheerful little } elves who live inside your radio and play the music you hear on their } little instruments when you turn it on. The elves forget where they } were when you turned the radio off, and therein lies your problem. } Either get a new engine, have your car exorcised and hope it somehow } still works, or just get used to the problem. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necronomicon and a subscription } to "Car and Driver." --- 393-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most powerful and glorious Oracle, > Most learned One before whom we are only bits, > Knower of all that is worth knowing, > Sayer of the most esteemed sooth, > true Bearer of all wisdom, > Lorist for all folk, > Teller of all tales, > Winner of all sweepstakes... > > what was it I was going to ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last, a simple question for which there is a simple and direct } answer. You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going } to ask you?", and the answer to that is, "You were, of course, going to } ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", for which the answer } can only be, "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was } going to ask you?"", and obviously the only intelligent reply can be, } "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask } you?"", to which I can only respond, "You were, of course, going to ask } me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", the solution to which is, } "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask } you?"", which can be resolved as follows, "You were, of course, going } to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", to which I assert } } *** WARNING *** WARNING *** WARNING *** WARNING *** WARNING } } PARADOX ALERT } CLOSED LOGIC LOOP } EXPONENTIAL POSITIVE FEEDBACK } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF INCARNATION IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF SYSTEM IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF UNIVERSE IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIH } } *** You owe the Oracle a parallel universe and a new incarnation. Hmm, } while you're at it, throw in a ticket to one of those sweepstakes you } mentioned. --- 393-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, awesome Oracle who types so fast that fifteen fireman are always on > standby at the big Oracular workstation in case the keyboard catches > fire: > > I got a problem. I ate fourteen pieces of cheese the other day, when I > was stopped by a cop who arrested me because there's a law against > eating fouteen pieces of cheese when you haven't registered with the > Fourteen Cheese and Other Miscellany Board. It turns out that if I had > only eaten thirteen cheeses or gotten really piggy and ate fifteen > cheeses I would have been OK, because in my municipality those > quantities of cheese-piece eating are completely unregulated. Now am I > living in a Dada-ist society or what? Why does fourteen matter but not > thirteen, fifteen, or even twenty-three. Heck, I'd think that if any > number of cheese pieces mattered to Those In Charge, it would be > twenty-three. Wouldn't you think so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa: Oh oracle honey... Where are you? I can't see } you through all this smoke... I swear... Where are those firemen } anyway... Oh well I'll just try to feel my way through... Oooch.. } I found you! } } Oracle: Yes. I was just taking a keyboard replacement break. } Maybe I should take a tactile stimulation break instead though... } } Lisa: Ooch. Don't keep pinching me when I can't see you. Besides I } have another question for you. This one finally got cleared by the } bomb section and the psycho department. } } Oracle: Oh great. Another assasination attempt I suppose... AHhh. Finally, here come the firemen. } } Lisa: It's not a threat letter. The executive summary says it's a } druggie ex-con asking about legal matters. . Oh! I } can see again... Get your hand off my leg! Here's the question. } } Oracle: Yucch. Why does this smell so bad? } } Lisa: It's covered in limburger cheese. Why do those firemen always } break all the windows in the building? } } Oracle: It's part of their contract... Lowers the insurance } deductibles or something... You owe me a cup of coffee.. } Hmm.. this question is strange... It's not about legal matters per se. } Actually the poor guy just wants to know why there's such a huge } abundance of idiotic regulations in his world. } } Lisa: What about the cheese? } } Firecheif: Hello Oracle. Fire's under control. Here's the paperwork. } > } } Oracle: Oh that's good to hear... And the windows? } } Firechief: Ummm... Well... Unfortunately we had to break some. } } Oracle: How many? } } Firechief: Lets see.. Exactly all of } them I believe. } } Oracle: Ok. Well then, same deal as last time: you make the } paperwork dissapear, I'll fix the windows, and no one reports it to } the insurance. } } Firechief: Righto your awesomeness. Here let me replace your } keyboard. There } you are. } } Oracle: Thanks! } } And thus spake the Oracle in response: } } Beuracracy is the same the world over -- it makes rules that it } wants broken so that it can enforce those arbitratry rules on the } population. Just try to learn all the rules and you won't be } bothered anymore. And lay off the limburger cheese; it contains } mild hallucinogens that when taken in quantity can cause } problems. } } You owe the oracle a case of aged Brie. } } Oracle: Oh Lisa... Tactile break....