From oracle-request Wed Jan 15 14:36:05 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 14:36:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #394 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 394 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #394 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 14:36:05 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 394 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 389 21 votes 25b30 05466 22a61 23673 54651 3134a 12b61 145a1 12972 24654 389 3.2 mean 2.7 3.6 3.1 3.3 2.7 3.8 3.2 3.3 3.3 3.2 --- 394-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you tell me Oracle: > > If Jack gets kicked in the teeth by his boss on Monday and experiences > a 20% reduction in the buying power of his paycheck on Wednesday should > he even bother getting out of bed on Friday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah Jack, Jack, poor Jack. Jack should most certainly get out of bed on } Friday. Perhaps he should put on his football helmet (or his } ice-hockey gear) in case his boss gets violent again, but he had better } get his ass out of bed. You see, dear Questioner, Jack lives in the } '90's. } } THE USENET ORACLE'S TEN RULES FOR LIVING IN THE '90's } } 10) Any job is better than no job } 9) Anyone who wants to survive in this economy had better get used to } the idea of working long hours at an unrewarding position doing } meaningless work that makes your boss richer and you poorer. } 8) Visa and Mastercard can always be your lender of last resort. } 7) Automation makes your life better -- now you can work for a } mindless, enslaving and spiteful computer instead of a mindless, } enslaving and spiteful human. } 6) Your keystrokes are being counted even as you read this. } 5) Workplace surveilance is just your boss's way of saying "Get back } to work!" } 4) You can't possibly expect your paycheck to cover luxuries like } food, shelter, or medical bills. Get a second job if you need to } pay for these frills. } 3a) If the Oracle had to work for a living, rule #3 would be "None of } this stuff applies to the Oracle". } 3b) Since the Oracle doesn't have to work for a living, rule #3 is } "Always look to the Oracle when you need inspiration or moral } support in getting through these troubled times, sucker." } 2) Drugs will help you feel better about observing all the above rules } but try not to use anything that shows up in your urine. } 1) You're out of luck, Jack. You're fucked, Jack. But get out of bed } anyway and learn to like it. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Work is Hell" (by Matt } Groening) and a subscription to "Processed World" (published by the Bay } Area Center for Art and Technology, San Fransisco). --- 394-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous and grovelsome Oracle please answer my question: > > How many pins can you stick > in the head of an angel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear Not, my questioner, even though you referred to me as } 'grovelsome' and not 'worthy of my grovelling'. } } The answer is found in the Witchdoctor's Manual, 5th } edition. Chapter 16--Voodoo. The relevant table reads as } follows: } Table 3a } Maximum Pin Density--Heads } } Item Max. # of Pins ---- } -------------- } Head, Human adult 67,445 } Head, Lettuce 23,438 } Head, Human child 18,320 } Head Cheese 7,933 } ----> Head, Angel 776 } Head, Mr. Potato 647 } Head, Dan Quayle 4 } Head, Pin 1 } } You owe the Oracle a box of safety pins and a Barbie Doll. --- 394-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has considered your question and has pondered over } the truths for which you search. In it's wisdom it has scoured } through a labyrinth of fable to present you with that most rare } thing - the story for all ocassions. } } Hansel and Red Riding Hood went to visit the gingerbread house } containing three bowls of porridge. One large bowl, one medium } bowl and one small bowl. Suddenly, from the top of the house } dropped a mane of golden hair and the cry "Rapunzel" echoed } through the air, immediately followed by seven persons of } restricted growth and a pale-faced beauty rushing through the } nearby forest. Underneath the mattress of the large bed lay a } pea, and on top lay a dog called princess. The beast woke up } upon hearing the sound of the beauty and commented on what nice } plants she had. Horrified, Cinderella (for that was the } beauty's name) threw the plants to the ground and was amazed } to see that one of them immediately sprouted and grew up into } the sky. As the merry ensemble of beauty, beast, seven dwarfs, } red riding hood, hansel, the three bears, a number of different } wolves (one dressed as a granny), Jack, a goose in the process } of laying a 24-carat egg, a giant and talking cat all looked up } into the sky, as the beanstalk (for such was the plant), along came } a feathery biped, called Chicken Licken, who told them all that } the sky was falling down. } } Then it did. --- 394-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On time and under budget? You must be joking. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Amazing but true. The problem will only arrise when } it becomes evident WHY the project was on time and } under budget... --- 394-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where has all the white dog poo gone ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was mistakenly eaten by a giant white rabbit wearing a vest and a } pocketwatch. Would you care for some more tea? Oh, sorry, no time. } We're late! } } You owe the Oracle a large looking glass. --- 394-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK Oracle, we Questioners are tired of asking all the questions, being > made to look like fools, being flamed and electronically abused in Your > responses, having to hear about your sexual excesses and pretend we > like it and constantly asked to pay extortionate tribute to support > Your useless and profligate lifestyle. > > This message is to advise you that a plurality of the Oracular > Questioners have formed a union for the purposes of collective > bargaining. The Oracular Supplicants International/Internet Sendmail > Organization (OSI/ISO) is demanding fair distribution of Oracular > tributes, limits on the amount of flaming and abuse to be heaped upon > individual Questioners and ending of discrimination against Questioners > based on color, gender, sexual preference, spelling skills or being > stuck with system administrators who force signatures like "JOE > QUESTIONER, STUDENT" to be appended to all our outgoing mail. > > If you refuse to recognize our union or fail to bargain in good faith, > we will have no choice but to withhold our services from the Oracular > workplace, until a settlement is reached. That's right pal -- no > Questions, no Answers, no Tribute. We sincerely hope that this kind of > extreme job action will not be necessary. > > With Solidarity, > Bill Shipper > Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO > > You owe the Questioners a contract and a union label in your .signature And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha! Contract! You want contract? I'll give you contract. } } ----- Cut Here --------- } } We, the questioners, do hereby grant to the Usenet Oracle, in any } and/or all Incarnations, and all his Duly Appointed Priests, permanent } and irrevocable rights to flame and electronically abuse us in } whatever manner He or they should see fit, should we choose to provoke } Him in any manner, or, at the Oracle's sole discretion, at any time } whatsoever, such abuse including (but not limited to) discrimination } on the basis of sex, gender, color, or quantity or quality of } grovelling; we further grant that the Oracle and/or his Incarnations } or Duly Appointed Priests may demand and shall receive such gifts, } tribute, oblation and/or offering as The Oracle shall determine at his } sole discretion as partial recompense for the inconvenince so caused; } we further promise and warrant that sufficient questions shall be } asked that such gifts, tribute, oblation and/or offerings shall be } sufficient to keep the Oracle, his Incarnations and Priests, and } whomsoever else the Oracle shall decide, in a manner of luxury which } Ones of their high office can by right expect (the quantity of tribute } required being at the sole discretion of the Oracle and none other), } } (Signed in Blood) } Bill Shipper } Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO } On behalf of questioners everywhere. } } ------ Cut Here ----------- } } And remember, The Oracle has access to more legal brainpower than you } could ever hope to imagine, not to mention the entire Buffalo } offensive line, so unless you want a very nasty visit, I suggest you } forget these foolish notions of "Solidarity" and start looking towards } your legal obligations. } } What? You don't remember signing that contract? Hardly a defense, } is it? It's certainly your signature. } } Trouble with the rest of your so-called comrades about commitments } made on their behalf? Tough titties. You were the one who sought to } tough it out with an omnicient demigod. You got to expect some sort } of a downside. } } So keep those cards and letters coming in, folks. } } You owe the oracle Jimmy Hoffa's signet ring, and a 35mm print of "The } Wizard Of Speed And Time". --- 394-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most wise, > > Are you the same oracle as in Star Trek? Do you know the episode in > which they find this asteroid that turns out to be a spaceship with > lots of people in it? (Damn! Of course you do... please forgive my > stupidity.) Well, are you? Are you the same oracle? Please tell > me... are you? Please, please, please oh pleeeeeeeeeease..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am to Star Trek what the velvety regalia is to the digital watch. } That Oracle was clever, chewed-up, and turkish; I am upright, } nicaraguan, and bloated. Behind the Star Trek Oracle lived a small } dwarf; behind me live three dentists and a parakeet. In May the Star } Trek Oracle gathers petunias; in January I gather spearmint for my } tea. } } We are different people. I have no asteroids. He has no responsible } chairs. I do not control anyone's destiny, though I sometimes pretend } to. He does not control anyone's sexuality, though he would like to. } I freqently indulge my desires for potato salad; he rarely succumbs to } his awful fear of taco sauce. I cannot understand Chaucer; he } speed-reads T. S. Eliot. I carry on a secret liason with Linda } Ronstadt; he sleeps with Jerry Falwell in public places. } } Do you understand? We are NOT THE SAME PERSON! } } (as far as I know.) } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of otter's piss. --- 394-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great USENET Oracle, this unworthy supplicant would deign to ask of you > a question that has been percolating in my brain for some time now... > > Why don't they print a braile verson of Playboy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O rash and ignorant supplicant, a Braille edition of "Playboy" has been } available for years. In addition to facilitating the self-actualization } of young, visually challenged males, the Braille edition of "Playboy" } has attained a suprising degree of acceptance in the sighted } population, due to the fact that it is inflatable, and wipes clean with } a damp cloth. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber novelty, and an N.F.B. cane. --- 394-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me > What's this crap? > What? > This is awful! We'll never get a > good answer! "Really swell" > indeed. > Dear Oracularities Letters, > I never thought your letters were > real until > Oh, please! Why not just post it > to alt.sex?! > Shut up! This is my question -- let > me ask it the way I want!! > > Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me what... shut up! please flame my ass off the net. > Wassamatter? Think you'll get a > kinder, Gentler Oracle? > Shut up. I'll take my chances. > > Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me... > uh, please tell me... > Oh, perfect. You don't even have > a question. We'll be flamed for > sure! > Shut UP! I do have a question! > Nyah, nyah, poor dumby can't > think of his own question! > Ok, how about this: > can you please tell me what's best to > do for multiple personality disorder? > What?! No! -- ha, ha Mr. > Oracle... just a little joke! > (He's been under stress) > No joke, sir. He's been on my case -- NO! SHUT UP! > ever since finals, and I'm at my tra la LAAAA! AmerrriCAAA! the > wit's end. Please help me beaUUUtiful! No, that's not > our real question! Really, > it's how much wood And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no, not another one of *those* ... These letters always bring out } the - } } ** RRRRIIIIP ** __/ } __________/ } ___________________/ Evil twin? } Yes... *sigh* / } I thought I'd seen the last of | } you... | Not hardly, pal. And this time } | it's even better for me, 'cause } | I brought along my equally evil } *gasp* | clone! } |\ ** RRRRIIIIIP ** } | \_______ } What the... | \________ } | Hi Bro! \ Kinda reminds } | | you of _Alien_ } | | doesn't it? } Oh yeah? Well two, er, *three* | | } can play at that little game! /| Hey, he can't | } _________/ | do that! | } ________/ | | Yeah, you } / ** RRRRRIIIIP ** | | can't do that! } Just watch! | | | } | Will you guys | | } | PLEASE stop | | } | bickering? | Look, its double | } | | the geek quotient!| Heh heh } | Oh really? Take | | } | THIS! >---->* | | } | >---->*\ Hey, stop that! | } | >---->*\ I mean it! | } | >---->*\ Ow! | INCOMING! } Having space | | | } compression | | | } problems? | | | } (tee-hee) | | | } | Man, talk about multiple | | } | personality questions! | I don't | } | | like this | } | | game any | } | | more... | What?! You're } | | | not turning } | | | yella on me?! } | Gad, this is confusing. | | } | | Don't talk | } | | to me like | } | | that, you | } | | twit! | } Get rid of | | | *snarl* } him, get rid | | | } of him! | Don't tell *me* what to | | } | do, Mr. Boss Man! Mr. | | } | Hulk Hogan! I don't like | | } | this game either! Nyah! | You too? | } Uh-oh | | | Uh-oh } | Hey, #3, I have an idea...| What? | } | (whisper... | ...whisper) | } | (whisper... | ...whisper) | } | You like the idea? | Go for it! | } | | | } | >---->* | *<----< | } What are you | >---->* | *<----< | } doing? | >---->*|*<----< | Yeah, what are } | >---->*<----< | you doing? } | * KABOOM * | } | | } | Ah, MUCH better. And now for Operation | } | LAMAZE! | } Thanks a lot, | | Benedict } Traitor! | | Arnold! } |<<< PUSH! >>>| } __/<<< UNH! >>>\__ STOP THAT! } PLEASE?___/<<< BREATHE! >>>\___ AUGH! } ____/<<< ALMOST THERE! >>>\__ } /<<< >>\gasp } /<<< \ } } Ah, much better. Thanks for your question, and if you *ever* ask it } again I take no responsibility for what happens. } } You owe the Oracle Calvin's Transmogrifier/Duplicator. --- 394-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is the first sentence of my question, which wants the Oracle to > know that all the sentences of my question grovel humbly before the > Awesome presence. The second sentence of my question also succeeds > brilliantly ingroveling, but really doesn't add anything new. This > sentence, overawed by the performance of the first two, chokes in the > clutch. The last sentence of the paragraph, in a fit of confusion (it > didn't go like this in rehersal) wanders aimlessly about like a lost > child. > > Boldly reclaiming the path, this sentence starts out a new and improved > paragraph. This sentence is confident we will finally get to the > point, since it can see the next sentence will, indeed, ask the > question. This sentence wants to know if there is anything profound in > self-reference. This sentence wonders how the last sentence can be a > question, since it didn't end with a question mark. > > Realizing that writing self-referential sentences is difficult to do > without a terribly contrived style, this sentence calls the whole thing > quits (but still grovels, like all the others). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the first sentence of the Oracle's response. This is the } second sentence of that response. This sentence appears several times. } This is the last sentence of the first paragraph. } } This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a } paragraph, depending on its use. This sentence is the first to refer } to your first question, about the usefulness of the self-referential } mode of writing. This sentence identifies your groveling as Pseudo- } Groveling; that is, it only refers to groveling without actually } providing same. This sentence extends the thought of the previous } sentence by noting that the pseudo groveling is no substitute for the } real thing, but acknowledges that in this case it will have to do. } This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a } paragraph, depending on its use. } } This is actually the third sentence of the first paragraph but has been } placed here in error. This sentence appears several times. This } sentence attempts to abandon the self-referential style so that your } question may be answered, but fails. This sentence makes the same } attempt, but fails just as miserably. This sentence appears several } times. This sentence, though not able to abandon self-reference, } nonetheless succeeds in tackling your question in that it postulates } that while the selreferential style may seem horribly vague and boring, } it *does* give ample opportunity for playfulness on the part of the } author. This sentence notes the awkwardness of the previous sentence } but commends it for at least giving the most information thus far. } This sentence appears several times. } } You double your chances of getting the car if you switch doors. This } sentence informs you that the previous sentence states the answer to a } different question entirely, namely the infamous Monty Hall problem } that appeared, among other places, in Marylin vos Savant's column in } Parade magazine some time ago. This sentence augments the previous } sentence by stating that the first sentence of this paragraph had no } business being here. THIS sentence, in stubborn defiance of the } previous two, maintains that this whole answer is supposed to address } the Monty Hall problem and that, so far, the first sentence of this } paragraph is the ONLY one that belongs here. This sentence appears } several times. } } A new paragraph is an ideal point to make another attempt to answer } your question, as this one tries to do. This sentence appears several } times. This sentence appears only once. This sentence reiterates the } playfulness which self-reference affords the writer. This clause } agrees with the sentimesnt in the previous sentence, while this one } stresses the extreme verbage that can so easily result. } } This is a one-sentence paragraph. } } This is a two-sentence paragraph. This sentence appears several times. } } This paragraph serves to apologize for the stupidity of the previous } two paragraphs. This sentence can only echo the sentiment of the } previous sentence but throwns a monkey wrench in the works by refering } to the subject of groveling, which has absolutely NO business in this } paragraph but cannot at this point be added to the first paragraph. } This sentence appears several times. } } This is the first sentence of the last paragraph of the Oracle's } answer. This sentence acknowledges the strong possibility that you are } very happy about the claim made by the first sentence and verifies that } this is in fact the last paragraph of the answer. This sentence } reminds you that you need to pay the Oracle for services provided. } This is the final sentence of the final paragraph of the Oracle's } answer, in which it is revealed that you owe the Oracle a } self-referential autobiography, and also that this is a 66-line, } 3775-character answer.