From oracle-request Wed Jan 29 10:26:03 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:26:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #401 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 401 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #401 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:26:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 401 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 396 26 votes 9d310 4a750 08d41 38b40 08e40 45674 42956 38492 56a41 23768 396 2.8 mean 1.8 2.5 2.9 2.6 2.8 3.1 3.3 3.0 2.6 3.6 --- 401-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is all-knowing and wise, what is the purpose of > groveling? > > Your submissive servant awaits your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To give you valuable practice for the quickest way to achieve success } in life-- brownnosing those in positions of authority. } } You owe the Oracle a climb up the corporate ladder. --- 401-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, who never has problems with time like us mere mortals > > Why is it that the day that I don't have any classes or meetings > scheduled is the day that I get the least amount of work accomplished? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have reached the great Usenet Oracle. All lines are currently } busy. Please hold on and your question will be answered in turn. } } } } All lines are still busy. Be assured you will receive the same } personalized service the Oracle gives all supplicants. To speed } processing of your question, be sure to have your groveling ready } when your call is answered. } } } } The Usenet Oracle announces its new service: Question Express! For } those questions mortals most often ask the Oracle. If your question } is regarding love, money, health or sports, and you have a touch-tone } phone, call the Question Express! line for an instant answer. } } } } All lines are still busy. Be assured you will receive the same } personalized service the Oracle gives all supplicants. To speed } processing of your question, be sure to have your groveling ready } when your call is answered. } } --- 401-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get to Carnegie Hall? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * Take the 15th street bus to the corner of Binglepot Lane. } * Turn left. } * Go three and a half blocks to number 715. } * Push the buzzer for Apartment 3 six times, pause, five times. } * When the left-hand door opens, jump inside and dodge the poisoned } arrows which will shoot down from your left. } * Crawl on your belly for eighty-seven feet, ignoring the muskets } firing above you back. } * Slither down the oily black hole } * Dive head-first into the mucilaginous brown mass that burbles at the } bottom. } * Before your clothes dissolve completely, feel around for the cavity } under the mass, and pull the warmest of the three levers. } * As the watersluice opens up beneath you and you go swirling down } into the abyss, push off from the giant crab-demon's shell so that } it cannot grasp you and vivisect you in mid-air. But be sure that } the waters wash you clean of the brown slime. } * When the beautiful fairy lady flies by in her chariot drawn by } swans, smile most charmingly at her and return her embraces with joy } and ardor. } * When she has tired of you, be sure that she flings you off the right } side of the chariot rather than the left, so that you can reach the } farthest branches of the last tree that grows on the wall of the } abyss. } * Climb into the tree, avoiding the nests of the giant eagles, for } their children will surely snap you down like a worm. } * Ascend the cliff by the steps that a thousand years labor by } hopeless slaves have carved in the cliff face. Every thousandth } step is marked with a skull; drop a flower on each one, or the } former inhabitant of the skull will follow you and in time devour } your soul. } * When the steps come to a wooden door marked with seven turtles, } knock boldly thrice. } * When the voices ask you for the password, pay no attention to their } hideously malformed pronunciation; for their heads are the heads of } insects, and they cannot pronounce English words well. And the } password is, "The dissolving of my flesh in the bath of fuming } acid." } * As you pass through the door, hurl a bottle of combustible spirits } to your left, and a honeyed cake to your right, and run quickly. If } you feel a tentacle upon your shoulder, then make your peace quickly } with your gods, for you are lost and doomed. } * When you trip on a scrap of rope, roll to your right into a cavity, } and rotate widdershins the valve which closes the portal. } * Climb up the long chains to the windlass. } * Go across the catwalk marked "Skorber's Death", and descend the } rusted staircase at its end. } * Pass though the door marked "The Realm of Death" in reversed letters } barely visible through the curiously patterned glass. } * Turn right. } * The ticket office of Carnegie Hall will be on your left, about three } doors down. } } Perhaps not the fastest way to get there, perhaps not the safest. But } it'll be unforgettable. } } You owe the Oracle uptown bus-fare and a ticket to Ashkenazy's next } performance. --- 401-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and nifty virtual diety, > blah blah blah blah blah > blah blah blah > blah blah blah > > Grovel, grovel, grovel. > > Please answer this: > When I put coffee in my thermos, it keeps it hot. > When I put soda in my thermos, it keeps it cold. > How does it know? > Lately, it hasn't been keeping the coffee hot. Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thermoses are part of a mammoth conspiracy, instigated by } the Illuminati. They have a telepathic } link with a gigantic computer database of all liquids, and } their desired state. The rest is simple: Using their } psychokinetic powers, the thermoses either speed up or slow } down the vibrating of the molecules of the liquid, thus either } heating or cooling it. } } The fact that your thermose has recently stopped working } is an indication that the Illuminati have decided that } you are no longer necessary to their plans. Beware! --- 401-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh allmighty Oracle of the totality of all that the sacred > Leviam00se implies, please for to tell me: > > What poet is the greatest of all time, and why? > > You are my last hope to avoid the Hell of indecision! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Last hope?! LAST hope, you say?! What, no longer do beings come to me } seeking the wisdom of the unponderables...knowledge for knowledge's } sake and all that...nooo! Now they try every other method available to } them, and only seek the Oracle's advice when everyone else has failed! } Last hope indeed! It's like they're avoiding me or something! } } (Lisa enters, sees the Oracle's mood, and tries to beat a hasty } retreat) } } Lisa! Look here. Look at this latest... I, the greatest of the great, } better than even P.T. Barnum AND the Ringling Bros. combined, with or } without the rest of those clowns, I have been relegated to a } quote-last-hope-un-quote. } These mortals have no respect anymore-- and whats this Leviam00se bit? } Like it's "cute" or something because there are zeroes like eyes where } the o's should be. THAT'S what groveling has sunk to nowadays? } Its just disgusting! Its terrible! I should ZOT this dimwit into the } middle of the next millenia ...Leviam00se my PANCRE-AS! } } (Lisa thinks quickly, to save this poor mortal's bacon...) } } (soothingly sultry voice) Orry, honey, {stroke} don't let it get to } ya... {caress}... sure, this mortal is lacking a bit in the groveling } graces... {rubs neck}...but at least it was a try...{cuddle}...look, } you're all tense over this little mortal nothing...{sidelong } glance}...why don't you just put down that silly question, let me relax } you, work off that deity sized temper ...{suggestive smile}...and you } can deal with it later when you're in a much better state of being? } } Oracle: Well, it's more than a mortal deserves, but allright. } (thinks: Yep... the temper tantrum... works like a charm, } everytime!) } } Lisa: Thats better. (Thinks: Who in the realms does he THINK he's } foolin?) } } a short censored time later.... } } well, a couple of short censored times later.... } } allright, a really long censored time later.... } } much later, in fact: } Oh, I'm in a much better mood, yes indeed. Lessee... the } greatest poet of all time? Hmmmmm... thats actually a toughie... } better take a sec to review the entire poetic works of } mankind............. } } .....hmm...not quite as stimulating as I had hoped. } Although, that Shakespeare fella was a trifle entertaining. } cummings, too... } interesting stuff that. Matsuo Basho I found to be very insightful... } oh, I could go on like this for ages, but I must make a decision, and } that decision is this: } The greatest poet of all time was, and still is, Anon. } Anon has written both poems of quality, and gutter trash, in every } known style of verse, every genre, every age. He was prolific, } visionary, sometimes subtle, other times ribald. Most everyone has } heard of his work, and, I must confess, that one about the Man from } Nantucket always brings a smile to my face. You are hereby saved from } the Hell of indecision. So be it. } } You owe the Oracle a dissertation on the collected works of Anon, and a } copy of this "Leviam00se" whatsis thingamajig. --- 401-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who thinks more than a bunch of llamas, help me out on > this one. > > What does the mail adress you got really mean? > I figured out the oracle bit, but I don't know the > rest. Please help a poor mortal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, '@' means "at," of course. } } IUVAX is a form of birth control similar to the IUD. It keeps me from } spreading subprocesses all over the world. } } CS stands for Carly Simon. See preceding message. } } INDIANA was put there by Presidential decree. Danny was throwing a } fit, so they did it to shut him up. } } EDU stands for Mr. Ed University. I'm the voice of Mr. Ed. } } You owe the Oracle your virginity. --- 401-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise Oracle, > > How does my quirk work? Could it irk Captain Kirk? Could it earn me > a perk from the Jerk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If your quirk is to work, you must lurk with a dirk. For a lark try } the park after dark. In a week what you seek ought to peak, so don't } freak. If you shirk then your quirk will not work. } } Any quirk just might irk Captain Kirk. Should that schmuck press his } luck, don't just duck, pass the buck. } } No, your quirk will not work on the Jerk for a perk. He's not meek: } if you squeak, news will leak and you'll reek up the creek, so to } speak. } } You owe the Oracle some of whatever you smoked before writing your } question, so I can understand my answer. --- 401-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > perfect oracle, > who gives a shit about elvis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as a matter of fact, a piece of preseved fecal material believed } to have come from the King himself was recently auctioned off at } Southerby's to an agent acting on behalf of an anonymous collector for } $1.5 million. If you can find someone willing to give you a similar } piece, you should take them up on the offer. } } You owe the Oracle a chunk of... Hmmm... On second thought, this one } is on the house. --- 401-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle who knows all events past, present and future, > and who has predicted all the world's major disasters, pray > tell me: > > Will Dan Quayle be our president in '96 ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok, I will permit you a glimpse through the Oraculary Window 'o Time to } see what will transpire in four years or so. } } [Setting: the Quayle mansion, following the Republican victory party. } The Bush/Quayle '96 ticket has triumphed over the Oracle's favorite } candidate, Randomocrat William Brown. The Bushes are staying over at } the Quayles' for the evening.] } } BUSH: This mansion hath a pleasant seat. The air } Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself } Unto our gentle senses. See, see, our honored hostess! } The love that follows us sometime is our trouble, } Which still we thank as love. Herein I teach you } How you shall bid God 'ield us for your pains } And thank us for your trouble. } } MARYLIN QUAYLE: All our service } In every point twice done, and then done double, } Were poor and single business to contend } Against those honors deep and broad wherewith } Your Majesty loads our house. For those of old, } And the late dignities heaped up to them, } We rest your hermits. } } BUSH: Where's the Vice President? } We coursed him at the heels and had a purpose } To be his purveyor; but he drives well, } And his great love, weighty as his foot, hath holp him } To his home before us. Fair and noble hostess, } We are your guest tonight. } } MQ: Your servants ever } Have theirs, themselves, and what is theirs, in compt, } To make their audit at your Highness' pleasure, } Still to return your own. } } BUSH: Give me your hand; } Conduct me to mine host. We love him highly } And shall continue our graces towards him. } By your leave, hostess. } EXEUNT. } } [Setting: Danny Quayle is alone in his room.] } } DQ: If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well } It were done quickly. If the assassination } Could trammel up the consequence, and catch, } With his surcease, success, that but this blow } Might be the be-all and the end-all here, } But here, upon this bank abd shoal of time, } We'ld jump the life to come. But in these cases } We still have judgement here, that we but teach } Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return } To plague the inventor... } } ... well! Pretty heady stuff, eh? You get the point. Bush will die } of a bizzare stomach virus, and Quayle will be president for a few } months until pressure from almost every sector in the country forces } him to retire to the Quayle Compound in Hyannis Port, MA. } } You owe the Oracle an autograph copy of MACBETH. --- 401-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Master of the Millenial Koan-a-thon, whose very butt hairs are > smooth and silky and which most of us would gladly shave our eyebrows > to floss with, please help me out with this one. > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had thumbs and a > MacCulloch 21" chainsaw with self-oiling chain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask. Allow me to share with you some recent } correspondence received by an Oracular colleague on this very } subject... } } -The Woodchuck Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question } -was: } - } -}Oh Woodchuck Oracle, who can hop from branch to branch without ever } -}losing Oracular balance, who can eat more nuts in a single day than } -}the average woodchuck puts away for a whole year, please answer my } -}question: } -} } -}Down at Jeb's Woodchuck Lodge and Nut Grill, a couple of the boys have } -}been talking about this new trend of "woodchuck" jokes that the humans } -}have been passing around. We find them all in mighty bad taste, and a } -}few of us have been thinking about what we ought to be doing in } -}response to these insults. } -} } -}Well, the boys got a little crazy last night. They crossed the high- } -}way on the other side of the forest and raided the local hardware } -}store. They've now got a few 21" chainsaws (they said they saw some } -}movie about a Texas guy who used a chainsaw to get revenge) and } -}they've figured out how to gas 'em up and mow stuff down with 'em. } -}They're going to attack the university (where they say all these } -}woodchuck jokes been coming from) and shut up some of those joke- } -}tellers for good. } -} } -}Well, I'm a-thinking on whether I should join them or not. I mean, I } -}relish the thought of carving open the pencil-necks of these techno- } -}geeks who've been getting all these cheap laughs at our expense, but I } -}kind of wonder if there isn't some less violent way of getting them to } -}cut out the nasty jokes without so much blood. } -} } -}Whaddya think, Oracle, should I go with them? Is there any other way } -}to get the job done? } } Alas, the reply to this question was not revealed to me by my respected } colleague. But considering the evil grin on his visage when he showed } me this letter, I think we can both guess what his answer was. } } So your answer is, no wood at all. But that doesn't mean those } chainsaws aren't going to be chopping anything up... Unless they catch } a couple of pencils in your shirt pocket, but that doesn't count, does } it? } } The Oracle waives payment this time -- just let me know when you plan } again on going outside (heh heh).