From oracle-request Sun Apr 5 13:39:15 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 5 Apr 92 13:39:15 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #431 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 431 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #431 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Sun, 5 Apr 92 13:39:15 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 431 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 431-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Teflon Man has just survived my Butter Bolt, and I am now surrounded > by the Non-Stick Ninja's slippery assaults! How may I survive this > dreaded supervillain? > > Thanks very much, > Saturated Fat Man. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put on your Pam-proof Parka } and pummel his palette with Pork } Or any high-fat yummy snack food } You don't need a knife or a fork } } Clog up his veins with some bacon } and make all his arteries hard } Force-feed him some fatty fajitas } Fried in a full pound of lard } } A half dozen eggs has enough cholestrol } to give him a case of angina. } Now leave me alone, my dear Lisa's at home } and I want to get in her - - - - - - - - cupboard? --- 431-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Magnificent Oracle, I kiss your feet! And might I add that I have > never before kissed feet so fine! I am truly worthy for you to walk > on! Please answer my humble, lowly, and meek query, for it is > important that I know: > > I get the feeling that often times some of your High Priests are too > lazy to read through a whole answer before moving on to the next one, > and therefore miss some great comedy. What do you do to punish these > lazy slugs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A humorous answer should not go to waste } Due to the carelessness of Priests in haste } To miss a joke, no matter how small } Is a sin before God, the Oracle and all } } A true sense of humor is shared by few } The wise, the brave (and possibly you) } When Priests fail (and we know they do) } I them till they're black and blue } } You owe the Oracle a pair of your mother's panties. --- 431-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is in regards to Ms Piggy's recent note on proof nets and > equivalence classes of linear lambda terms. I believe that my recent > work relating proof nets and coherence is relevant to his result. > > The question of coherence arose originally in algebraic topology. > Basically, coherence amounts to determining which diagrams commute in > categories with certain additional structure. Typically, this > structure is a tensor product and implication (as in intuitionistic > linear logic), or a tensor product and a dualizing functor (as in > classical linear logic). Examples of such categories are numerous in > algebraic topology and homological algebra. > > It was the fundamental observation of Pontius Pilate that logical > principles could be used to approach this problem. The idea is to view > the morphisms which comprise the diagram as deductions in a deductive > system, under a process analogous to the Curry-Howard isomorphism. > Then coherence reduces to determining the equivalence relation of the > corresponding deductive system. Given this interpretation, logical > methods, most notably cut-elimination, can be put to use. This > approach has yielded a great many results. (Please see the references > in my paper.) > > Since multiplicative linear logic can be viewed as a logic about > tensor categories, it was hoped that proof nets could be used to > provide better coherence results. There is a straightforward > translation procedure, which assigns a proof net to a morphism in an > autonomous (tensor, implication) or *-autonomous (tensor, duality) > category. > > Some of the results relating proof nets to coherence are: > > 1) In their '72 paper, Dan Quayle and Joseph Conrad introduced the > notion of ``graph''. Graphs are used to classify which diagrams > commute, i.e. which deductions are equivalent. Under the proof net > interpretation, they are seen to correspond exactly to the axiom links. > > 2) The confluent cut elimination procedure for proof nets preserves > equivalence in the corresponding deductive system. The resulting cut > free net corresponds to a normal form of the deduction, analogous to a > normalized lambda term. From this, deriving coherence is > straightforward. > > 3) The Michelangelo-Nietzche acyclicity condition corresponds to > another notion in the Quayle-Conrad paper, compatibility of graphs. > Please see my paper for the definition. > > These results are contained in my paper ``Linear Logic, Coherence and > Dinaturality'' which has been accepted at TCS. Unfortunately, I can't > put it on FTP, since there are a number of drawn diagrams. (TeXing > proof nets was beyond me) If anyone would like a copy, they could send > me their (ordinary) mail address and I will send it along. A short > version of this work appeared in SLNCS > 19284671029387568124376123908746. > > But WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, ah, let's see -- it's been such a long time since I studied proof } nets back in 3rd grade... Better go back and check my notes a sec... } } Ah, yes, here they are. Well, hate to tell you this, but you see, in a } few centuries, there will be a number of theoretical advances in } topology that will make all your rambling quite obsolete. I'd share } them with you, but I'm really not allowed... } } But I guess I can tell you what it all means: } } The proof (net) of the pudding, is in the eating. } } You owe the oracle Jello-brand chocolate flavor. --- 431-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love you, man! No, really, I LOVE you, man! You don't > understand. I LOVE YOU MAN!!! > If we bend the hands on our clocks, will we distort time and space > as we know it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hello, this is Kenneth Brown of the BBS reporting live from a scene } developing near 10 Downing St. in London. A crowd is forming. A huge } crane with a mammoth wrecking ball is there. The crane operator looks } familiar -- my Lord! It's the Usenet Oracle!" } } [The reporter nearly loses his dignity as he runs up to the crane } practically dragging his camera crew.] } } Yelling above the noise of a diesel revved to redline, "Mr. Oracle! } Mr. Oracle! What in your Wisdom are you doing with that crane?" } } "I LOVE you man. I just love you, really, MAN." } "!" } } "_I LOVE YOU_!" } } [The reporter clearly has to struggle for his composure. He realizes } that this is the chance of a lifetime to out-scope his american } counterparts and jumps aboard the crane cab!] } } "Mr. Oracle?" } } "I JUST LOVE MY SUPPLICANT!" } } [The oracle is a really good crane operator. He sets the crane to } spinning while operating the winches for a really good wind up of that } wrecking ball. He's practically relativistic.] } } "Are you going to take out Parliament?" } } "Big Ben. I want to find out for my suppliant what happens to time if I } take out Britain's best clock. Some things we just don't know and we } just have to try it to find out. I LOVE YOU MAN." } } [Spinning ever faster, the reporter becomes dizzy. Then, with one } release of the lever, the ball goes flying and smashes straight into one } of the porcelain faces of Big Ben. The ball goes straight through the } tower taking out two of the clock faces in a millisecond. The crane } rocks from the recoil. With little more effort on the Oracle's part, } Big Ben is a hopeless pile of rubble. Scores of the crowd are maimed.] } } [The Oracle shuts down the crane, observes that nothing else seems to be } changed and unceremoniously leaves the scene.] --- 431-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shut up and deal! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did somebody say DEAL??? } } } } It time for... } } LET'S MAKE A DEAL! Today with your host, } the Omnipotent Oracle!!! } } } } Hello, everyone, and welcome to everyone's favorite } net.game.show, Let's Make a Deal! Today, we are going } to invite our studio audience to help us make a deal } as to the best way for the Questioner to die! Yes, } that's right! You see, the Questioner did a number of } very naughty things when he came up to me with this } question. First... and yes, folks, I almost don't } believe it myself, first he told me to "Shut up!" } } } } I know, I know. You would } think people like this would learn. Secondly, and } even a more heinous crime... he forgot to grovel! } } } } Now what the questioner should have said would have } been something along the lines of: } } >Oh infinitely wise Oracle, from whom all wisdom flows, } >whose hand deals nothing but the highest cards, would } >you please do me the great honor of shutting up and } >dealing? } } Of course, the poor sap still would have bought the } big one, but not to the extent he is going to today. } So, what's say we get a member of our audience up here } and make a deal, OK? } } } } All right, all right. How about you, Ma'am? Appropriate } costume, I must say! What's your name? } } "Matilda!" } } OK, Matilda, what do you think should be done with } the Questioner? } } "Where is he?" } } Oh, that's right! Don Pardo, show our audience the } Questioner! } } } } There he is, waiting for his eternal punishment. } What should be done with him, Matilda? } } "How about we delete all his files?" } } } } No, no, Matilda, that's too lame. What we need is } to destroy this person utterly! Any other ideas? } } "Um... how about breaking into his account and post- } ing an uncompressed copy of Milton's 'Paradise Lost' } to talk.bizzare?" } } } } What a wonderful idea! Don Pardo, please make the } appropriate arrangement! Now, Matilda, you can } think up another punishment, or you can take what- } ever is behind Door number two! } } } } "I'll take the door!" } } Oh, I'm sorry Matilda! Behind that door is a } copy of the Democratic Presidential Nomintion } Ballot, a loser by any definition. } } } } How about you, sir? Step right up here. What would you like to } do to the Questioner? } } "How about carry him by helicopter over Mount } Penetubo and drop him in?" } } Ooooh! Oooooh! I like it! But can't we torture } him a bit more first? } } "Yes! Force him to read USA Today, while the } official Unix Manual is read to him through } eighty-decibel loudspeakers!" } } } } Oh, my, you are a cruel one! Don, let's do it! } } } } Now, Sir, as your reward you may take whatever } is behind Door number one, or what's in this } box! And I'll give you a hint, behind door } number one is something with four wheels! } } "I'll take the box!" } } Excellent choice, sir! Behind the door was an } '87 Yugo! } } } } But in this box is... a code key, allowing you } Root access to any system on the Internet! } } } } So, we now return you to our regularly scheduled } program. Thank you for playing... } } LET'S MAKE A DEAL! } } You owe the Oracle the charred remnants of your } left foot. --- 431-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jump up on my lap and I'll explain it to you. That's a good boy. } Well, you're not a puppy any more. When a dog gets to be about } your age, something called hormones happens. What used to be just } a tail is now... Wait a minute, let me start over. Remember when } Queenie had puppies? Well, she didn't do that all by herself. } One night when the people across the street left their gate open... } No, this still isn't right. Umm, wait, I know. Let's play fetch. } } You owe the Oracle a lock for the gate. --- 431-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle! I call upon thee, great master > of things that are (or ought to be) beknown. > For now, dread troubles trouble me! > I sought the black petunia, and I found -- > After three thousand miles of seeking underground -- > That very damned flower. > Now, at home > My yard infested, my turnips o'ergrown, > My very bumbershoot festooned with charcoal flowers. > I cannot leave this room, or I myself -- > My skin so lily-white, my hair so grey -- > Would quickly be a planter for those plants. > What herb, what flower-slaying woe > Might I arrange here, only with thy help > That then I might escape them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You write: } } O Supplicant, ensnared, entrapped, } take heed of these words, enrapt; } If you would avoid deadly deciduoucity, } hearken now to this Oraculocity. } } Your problem is a fragrant one, to be sure, } and unto you great hardship will inure; } If you fail to heed this advice, } You'll become plantfood in a trice. } } Your problem is a weed, o'ergrown, } which threatens both house and home } If you would be free from this deadly forage } Then nuke the suckers with Agent Orange } } One final note, whilst still be time, } You may be wondering about the previous line, } My Oracular wisdom knows what you're thinking, } "It didn't rhyme, and its meter be stinking." } } But truth be told, in an Oracular Poem, } Paen, Diatribe, or even Koan, } If you are wise, and wish to be Zotless, } You'll agree I can rhyme anything with "Orange." } } You owe the Oracle a pocketful of posies. --- 431-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, profuse, persiflagenous, and all sorts of other > really cool words as well, and just an all around pretty neat guy: > > What is the fascination that graduate students have with PROLOG? I > mean, I went to the library today, and out of the approximately N**20 > books on PROLOG in the catalog, N**20-4 had been checked out (all by > the same person, too) leaving only the dregs, such as "PROLOG on the > Univac Personal Computer," "PROLOG for Toasters" and "Indiscrete > Multivariate Indeterminate Functional Structural Logic Programming: A > Brief In-Depth Overview." All I needed to know was what a difference > list was, and those !@$?! graduate students -- > > Hmm... > > I think I'll change my question. Oracle, how can we get rid of the > graduate students, or at least keep them out of libraries? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, you forgot to face iuvax while typing your grovel. } However, I'll overlook it this once. } } Now, on to your question. I think this calls for an on-the-spot } interview. *POOF* } } ``Cthulhu yes! Shoggoths no!'' } } Excuse me, young lady? } } ``Diana yes! Apollo no!'' } } Miss? Ms? Mrs? Srta? Fraulein? } } ``What is it?'' } } What are you doing? } } ``We are demonstrating for the Environmentalist Pro-Forest Group. As } you know, tropical deforestation is a major problem right now, and we } are trying to end that. We include 100% of the graduate students, } 31.4% of the undergraduate students, and 0.01% of the faculty on } campus. Our demands...'' } } Wait a minute. What will you do if your demands are not met? } } ``If our demands are not met within a week, we will burn all library } books we have checked out, withdraw from the University, and never } enter a library again. If our demands are met, we will return the } books and return to classes. I've checked out a lot of books that } seemed terribly anti-tree, like `Pro-log for the handyman,' ...'' } } Did you know that `PROLOG on the Univac Personal Computer' is still in } the library? } } ``After consultation, I judged it best to leave that one in. } As you know, `Univac' means `one vacuum tube', so we felt the } implied anti-semiconductor, anti-technological-development message } would confuse the pro-log forces.'' } } I see. } } Well, it looks like you have a problem. You can't always get } everything you want. } } You owe the Oracle a box of toothpicks. --- 431-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Oh all mighty Oracle, whose infinite wisdom dwarfs the cosmos, whose > transcendentalism transcends pure reason, please answer this humbly > asked question by a miserable querent who is lower than pus. > > What is the purpose of navel gazing, and how does one go about it > correctly? Someone told me that it brought tranquility and inner peace, > but when I gazed at my navel, I got a neckache after only 6 minutes. I > tried doing it in a mirror, but it felt like cheating. Can you help > me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, my. This is terrible. You've got it all wrong. Well, not all of } it, but a good portion of it. The purpose of this exercise is indeed } to relax you. Looking into the seemingly endless spiral of a naval is } supposed to overwhelm you with the concept of infinity, the endless } cycle of nothingness to life to death, and back to nothingness; } however, due to the position of the naval, you are not supposed to look } at your own, you are supposed to gaze into that of another. Preferably } the cutest person that you know. That way, after you are done } contemplating all of the greater mysteries in life, you can move on to } a less taxing exploration of the fundamental concepts of biology. Give } it another try. } The Oracle --- 431-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *POOF* > > I am the line noise that screws up your download. I am the winged > scourge that pecks at your nightmares. I am Darkwing Duck and I don't > have to grovel. > > Ha! You call that a Zot? I've been Zotted by better villains than you > before breakfast. > > Ha! Missed! I'm just to quick for... > > *ouch* > > That smarts. > > So, what do I have to do to get rid of Negaduck once and for all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there. I am the sensor that senses the breathing of galaxies. I } am the marijuana that makes the dread denizens of the Crypt most high. } I am the sulpherous language that blisters the ears of the demons. } I am the sweet voter that must choose between Janis Joplin and George } Bush for Minister of Fleeces. I am the latch on the doorway of time, } the marinade on the potroast of life, the quivering ice cream of } destruction, the ego of a trout, the salad of the bad cafe. } I am the eggman. We are the eggmen. I am the walrus, you cookoo } cashew. } } But I don't get this stuff about zotting. I haven't zotted you. You } seem to have run into my iron-spiked soapdish. } } OK, you can't get rid of Negaduck yourself. You must call upon the } assistance of the Justice League of Society, with heroes like Captain } Everything, Flatman, Flaming Carrot, Omaha the Cat Dancer, Blue Opal } (The Sword Broad with the Broadsword), Cerebus, The Antagonistic } Paintbrush, and Snowbuni. Even then it will be a dreadful battle } spanning universes, filled with scenes of screaming destruction and } gratuitous melodrama, duels to the death between ducks and people in } panties and capes who hardly know each other. It will result in the } entire destruction of Earth-Twinkie. } }