From oracle-request Thu Apr 9 07:50:39 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 07:50:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #433 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 433 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #433 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 07:50:39 -0500 @@@ We've been having some mailer trouble at iuvax, but we're trying @@@ to track it down. "Don't panic!" -- JRP w/help from Douglas Adams To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 433 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 433-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, I just don't know any more. The plough got stuck last > fall turning down the alfalfa. Nope. Didn't get the plough out. > Spring's coming and I don't know what to expect once the snow's > gone. Don't matter, I suppose, the draw horse didn't make it > through the winter anyway. Scurvy. > > My brother killed his wife with a sledge and ran off with my > daughter. She's already sixteen, he's no good and you can forget > his wife. My wife's run off with my son's playmate. He's twelve. > My daughter says she'll never marry so she makes it with the > parish priest. She's fifteen. Oh well, she's a slut anyway. My > son got killed robbing a dimestore last week. He was no good. > > The dog got run over and the cattle all have red hoof. I guess it > was a fit, but the pigs and chickens stank so as I shot them all. > Now I got more pork and poultry than I could salt, smoke, pickle or > can. Don't matter. Don't know how to can anyhow. > > Don't mean to be a burden, Oracle, but what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take your last $1000-2000 and ship thee down to good ol' Abu Dhabi, } the colorful Arab nation that is the home of the Bank of Credit } and Commerce International. Credit is just what you need. Just say } you know Charles Keating and rake in the bread. Once you get home, } buy yourself a nice house in suburban Michigan. } } You owe the oracle a pound of good topsoil. --- 433-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it possible to dig a hole to China? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, now - there's a question. In theory, all things are possible. } Reality, however, is often, sadly, a totally different matter.... } } If you recall the tome "Journey to the Centre of the Earth", by Jules } Verne, you may remember that his adventurers sought a route into this } oblate sphere we call Earth. As I recall, they didn't exactly go so } far as to pass through the centroid and come out the other side, but } sort of made a tangential exit somewhere in the Mediterranean. I also } believe that they used an existing route to achieve their aim, not } actually, as it were, "digging" their way from their origin to their } point of emergence. } } Now, with regard to your question, I would guess it'd be possible if } one were conveniently close to China to dig a hole that eventually } emerged in China, but the problem there is that, technically, a hole } that goes from point A to emerge at point B, point B being some spot on } the other side of the hole, is defined as a "tunnel", as there is a } hole at both ends. } } Therefore we need to work at what, exactly, constitutes a hole? If one } takes an infinitely thin layer, say, for the sake of argument, a sheet } of paper, then it is physically impossible to dig a hole in the paper } that does not emerge on the opposite side of the paper. One would not } say that the hole, in this case, constituted a "tunnel". } } If we extend this principle to an infinite number of layers, and } therefore an infinite number of holes, we begin to approximate the } situation which you wish to achieve (the Earth being infinitely thinner } than an infinite number of sheets of paper), but with one important } difference: There is a multiplicity of holes, not "a" hole. } } It would seem that it is theoretically possible to dig a tunnel to } China, or to dig a large number of successive holes with China at the } opposite side of the last layer in which you've just dug a hole. } } Perhaps it would be better to readdress the question: "Is it possible } to dig a hole to China?" Certainly, if the starting point of our } multiplicity of holes were within China, then it is possible, assuming } China to be on a layer somewhat thicker than a piece of paper, to dig a } hole "in" China that would not emerge anywhere other than the point at } which it was dug. } } The corollary of this is, that given the thickness of the layer upon } which China sits (for the sake of argument, let's call this layer } "Earth"), and not wishing to dig a "tunnel", then we must make point B } be China and point A a point somewhere within the layer we have called } Earth. The reality of this inference is that one would have to be } embedded in the earth and dig a hole out, such that when seen from the } side called "China", the hole truly appears as a "hole" and not a } "tunnel". } } Therefore we conclude that it is possible to either "Dig a hole in } China" or "Dig a tunnel to China", but in order to "Dig a hole to } China", one would have to be at a point somewhere within the Earth. } Unfortunately, anyone in this position would, under normal } circumstances, be "dead", and therefore in no fit condition to dig, } period. } } Ipso, the answer to your question is "No". } } You owe the Oracle a return air-ticket to Peking and a lateral thought. --- 433-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, whose grandeur I could not hope to imagine, whose > personal hygeine is healthier than the healthiest healthy one around, > whose brain could not be budged by a twenty ton crane, whose power is > unimaginable, I have this question: > > Why does your hair stand up like that? > > Your most loyal servant, Hans. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Hans, thanks for asking. But I'm afraid I can't answer } your question. You see, you groveled too much. } } Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the latest trends in Oracular } fashion. Groveling is no longer permitted. In fact, you've } doomed this particular oracularity to non-inclusion in the } digest by your excessive groveling. } } The new proper way to address me is "hey zot-face". } } While we're at it, maybe you'd be interested in other recent } shifts in Oracular tradition: } } - Lisa is out. In this politically correct age a simple } heterosexual relationship is unacceptable. My new SO is } Pat, a bisexual transexual transvestite (and a vegetarian, } by the way). } } - Computer humor is out. In fact, all humor is out. It } used to be that the funniest oracularities were selected } and posted to rec.humor.oracle. Now, those most completely } lacking humor are selected and posted to rec.humor.oracle.d. } } - s are out. Nowadays, if I don't like something you } do, I keep it to myself and bring it up in therapy. } } Well there it is. I don't like it anymore than you do, but } nobody asked me. Frankly, the whole thing has me biting my } nails and pulling out my hair. Hmm, maybe I did answer your } question after all. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. Owing the Oracle is out too. --- 433-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, whose eyes see all, whose nose smells all, > whose intelligence is rougly equal to the product of all mortals who > ever lived combined, to the 14th power, I beg an answer to my question, > a suitable solution to my dilemma: > > A few nights ago, I was reading a rather intruging book regarding > unicorns. In this book, I found out many things about the healing > and/or magical properties of such a horn. Needless to say, I liked the > idea, and I said to myself, "I wish I had my own unicorn's horn." I > thought it would be a cool thing to give to my girlfriend. Well, so > sooner had I said it, a little fairy (um, magical fairy, not the san > franciscan type) popped out of nowhere and told me: "Whola! Your wish > is granted. You'll get it in the morning." Well, I opened my mouth to > say thanks, but he/she (it?) was gone. Well, I drank three more cans > of Jolt and went to sleep. > > Well, next morning, I was utterly disappointed to find that there was > no horn anywhere to be seen. I looked under the sheets, the dresser, > arou k, and around the terminal - to no avail. Then I thought: "Aha! > Under the bed! Of course!" Well, I got on my knees, looked under the > bed and *WHONK* > Ouch... most splitting headache. I went to the bathroom to find some > asprin. Then I saw that unicorn's horn. Um, Oracle, I don't know how > to say this, but I wasn't exactly expecting that horn to be in my > freakin' head! Well, my roomate woke up and stumbled into the bathroom. > "Jeezus", he commented, "This ain't halloween!". > > Well, the rest of the morning was a disaster. I haven't exactly left > my dorm since then, and Jeff (my roomate) swore not to tell anyone. > Well, he may only tell a few million of his close friends. Anyway, I'm > in a little bit of a fix here. I can't exactly go to class, and that > does wonders to one's GPA. Should I join the circus? Try to cut it > off? Try to impress my girlfriend? Thanks, Oracle, for listening. I'm > just a wee bit desperate here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O ignorant mortal. Don't you know that you must not ask for a wish from } a fairy unless they are prepared to grant you three wishes ! This is } what happens when you use bargain basement fairies, instead of fully } qualified GFA (Good Faerie's Association) fairies. } } The only way you can possibly get rid of this is to some how convince } this fairy to take it back. But this is not very likely, since these } fly by night fairies never stay in any place for very long. Fairies } refuse to touch each other's handiwork even if it is shoddy. } } I am afraid you may have to live with the horn for the rest of your } life. This may not be such a bad thing though. Think of all the things } you can do that your friends can't do. You can } } i) Push your way to the front of any crowd. } ii) Scare off muggers. } iii) Impress people at fancy dress parties. } iv) Drill holes without having to buy expensive drills. } v) Hold lots of doughnuts. } vi) Have a huge new range of party tricks. } vii) Go spear fishing whilst you are swimming. } viii) Use your horn as an ice pick. } ix) Hold shopping bags with your hands and your horn. } x) Drive drunks crazy. } } Also think of the amazing job opportunities. Besides circuses, you } could be a bodyguard. You could drill the holes in golf courses. Or in } swiss cheese. There are hundreds of jobs for which you are the only } possible applicant! Very useful in these times. } } Sadly, I think your girlfriend will not be inpressed. I don't think she } will want to date you, unless she is into bestiality. Well, you can't } win them all. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to the next Fairies' Fancy Dress Ball. --- 433-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Thou of telescopic sight, > > I just landed a job with Rand McNally. As you probably know, > business has been tough for cartographers lately. Sure, everyone > rushed out to buy a new globe when the Germanies merged, but they're > not about to replace their old atlas every time Slogobvia secedes > from Albania or whatever. Still, WE have to revise our product, > and I'm talking mucho bucks each time. > > Anyway, I thought I could swing a pret-ty good bonus if the next > time there's a pause in geopolitical musical chairs, I was there > with a ready-made map to hand my boss. So, cartosapient one, could > you maybe just let me know what Europe is going to look like in, > say, 1994? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It will resemble a big pool of oatmeal, with a variety of } different-colored disgusting objects like raisins and husbands and } twinkies and operas swimming around in it. } } A vast, turgid vortex around Amsterdam will produce waves that extend } to Prague. } } Someone will have painted North Poland a thin yet militant mauve, as a } protest against increasing trends towards decreasing friends in Liens. } } Moldavia, Paslubia, Disphonia, Glamphonia, and Persnickia will have } united into the Greater Fremplonic Republic. } } Beams of force sent by galactic space-congers will have made Rome, } Times Square, Naples, and Athens all lie on the same line, and Italy } will be bent like a boot that's been boiled for soup. } } Paris, once the Grand City of Water-lilies and Petunias, will be sadly } diminished, and will have become the Pretty Decent City of Wombats and } Pencils. } } Serbia will have gotten so sick of Yugoslavia that all the Serbs will } have picked it up and carried it off north by northwest, so that it is } next to Scotland. However, they will be so distressed by the smell of } haggis from across the border, so they will move it to Colorado, where } they will enter a very uneasy truce with the New-Agers. } } Iceland, tired of its reputation as a cold country (despite the fact } that it is the biggest banana producer in Europe -- they use } greenhouses heated by geothermal power, which they have in droves. } True fact), will have hired Frodo Baggins to move the Equator so that } it passes right through Reykjavik. (Frodo has had a lot of experience } hauling hot rings around, after all.) } } Albania will be so economically depressed that it will collapse into a } black hole. Bulgaria and the Ukraine will be sucked in, never to be } seen on earth again. Greece will start to slide in, but great Athene } forsaw the problem quite a while ago, and planted enough olive-trees } to hold it down. } } Germany will be disunited. The stresses of combining East and West } Germany are too severe for the unifying powers of Chancellor Helmut } Travolta, and it will fission again, leaving the world with North and } South Germany, sliced cleanly around the level of Kentucky. } } The ex-Soviet states will have dismantled their Federation of } Extremely Independent but Generally Friendly States (FEIGFS), and will } be in the process of reuniting as the Gang of One-Time } Soviet States Who Hang Around Together And Share A Few Beers And } Reminisce About The Old Days BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD THINK OF } INTERFERING IN EACH OTHERS AFFAIRS (except Russia). The } GOOTSSWHATASAFBARATODBUNCWTOIIEOA(ER) will have exactly the same outer } boundary as the USSR, and inner boundaries everywhere that there is a } major street in the USSR. } } But don't get too confident. It all changes again the year after. --- 433-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! > I heard that you like it that the supplicant should growl before he > asks you something. Being done with that one, could you tell me > the difference between a prime minister and a prime number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Prime Number (PN) Prime Minister (PM) } --------------------------------------------------------------------- } Has no prime factor besides itself Has no boss besides himself } PN and one are its factors PM is one with the state } Divides by no other numbers Divides the government's } responsibilities } Infinitely numerous Infinitely talkative } Everyone wants to find a larger PN Everyone wants to be the next PM } Useful in mathematical proofs Prefers at least 150 proof } Books have been written about PNs Former PMs have written books } } You owe the Oracle the prime factors of Margaret Thatcher. --- 433-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who gargles at the fountain of wisdom thrice daily, your > humbled supplicant beseeches you to answer a simple query: > > Solid paper has been around for millenia. > Liquid paper was introduced in the late 70s. > When will we have gaseous paper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We take you now to the Pentagon, where everything that has been } written down since the early 1950's has been nothing but hot air. } } You owe the Oracle thermonuclear paper. --- 433-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle. You're great. I suck. Please tell me: > > Why is the Nerf Bow and Arrow set so much fun? Why do half the > people in this office have one for the express purpose of shooting one > another at lunchtime or any other time? What is it about human nature > that requires us to indulge in such sophomoric and para-destructive > behavior with pieces of foam rubber? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What those top marketing executives at Nerf have done is to provide } a toy that allows people to release that destructive streak which } is contained in every person on Earth in a harmless and wasteful } way. Nerf marketing executives get to play with the real thing, } thus driving everyone onwards to the ultimate goal of working at } Nerf. This guarantees Nerf a high throughput of short-term middle } and senior management executives, each with the well-trained eye } needed to shoot their superior squarely in the back. This assists } the national economy by providing a steady turnover of employees and } helps reduce the unemployment figures at the same time. Nerf will } soon have a major shareholding in every important industry and } corporation in the world, especially with the release of their newest } toy: foam-rubber atomic missiles and launchers. } } You owe the Oracle a thousand shares of Nerf stock. --- 433-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O associative, commutative, and synchronic Oracle, one who laughs > inappropriately during teleconferences asks: why is it that what the > Post Office uses as the abbreviation for "California", oncologists use > as the abbreviation for "cancer?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As I have said to many supplicants before, it requires great wisdom to } comprehend the inner-workings of your postal service, but I believe I } have an answer to this question. } } Studies have shown that California may actually cause cancer. I believe } I have a citation here... one moment... } } ...shuffle...shuffle...grik!....spurf....bloit.....ka-chunk! } } Here we are. On page 24,767,873,551 of the March issue of the Galactic } Journal of Everything, it says that rhesus monkeys were given } apartments, BMW's, and high-paying jobs in various cities throughout } the country. After 3 years, it was found that monkeys in Los Angeles } and the Bay Area had a higher incidence of cancer than those living } elsewhere in your United States. } } The study goes on to say that monkeys settled in New York had a higher } rate of cardiac failure, and those in Washington, D.C. had the highest } tally in monkey homicide. } } However, years before this study was published, the Postmaster General } had a feeling that California was the kind of state that could probably } contribute to mortality, so he chose CA. } } In later years, oncologists followed suit. } } What's the moral of the story? Stay healthy. Vacation in Denver- at } least all they're named after is an omelette. } } You owe the Oracle: a bottle of Laetrile. --- 433-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Intuitive, I beg of thee to consider the question of how > many blue beans make five. > > I remain, > Innumerately Yours, > Gleep. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Gleep, Servant Most Innumerate, I have considered thy Humble } Request, and in response, thus do I decree: } } The number of blue beans that make five shall be none less than that } number which would make the number of blue beans be one less than the } number of beans plus one, nor shall that number be any more than one } plus the total number of blue beans minus one. } } You owe the Oracle a lesson in tautological statements and a blue } Smartie.