From oracle-request Wed Apr 22 07:25:26 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 07:25:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #438 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 438 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #438 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 07:25:26 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 438 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 438-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm infatuated by a species of frog. Can you tell me more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (The Oracle, dressed up as the Easter Bunny, jumps into the scene.) } } Supplicant: I am... } } (Oracle: boink, boink, boink) } } S.: infatuated by... } } (Oracle: boink, boink, boink) } } S.: a species of... } } (Oracle: boink, boink, boink) } } S.: frog. } } (Oracle: BBOOIINNKK!!) } } S.: Can you tell... } } (Oracle: boink, boink, boink.) } } S.: me more? } HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU! COULD YOU KINDLY STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN } FOR AT LEAST A MOMENT?!! } } Oracle: Be glad, that it ain't the easter bunny! Otherwise your frogs } would lay eggs and paint them! } } S.: HEY! YOU! I ASKED A SERIOUS QUESTION CONCERNING THE FAUNA OF OUR } COUNTRY! AND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION! AND MY PERSONAL STATE OF } MENTAL HEALTH! AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THAT AS AN ANSWER? } } (Oracle: boink, boink, boink.) } } (Supplicant falls into hysterical laughter...) } } (Oracle and Supplicant: boink, boink, boink. - } Together they jump away into the sunset.) } } You owe the Oracle the book "Origin of the Species" by Charles Darwin. } And something against the aching in his legs. --- 438-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I wear brown paisley wraparound skirts and gold fuzzy socks to a > job interview? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if you are female. } } You owe the oracle a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. --- 438-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh DARKWING DUCK! > > } You owe the oracle a copy of the _Bourne Identity_. > > After I've make such quest, where do I send it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alice Goes to Indiana } } A Darkwing Duck Story } by Robert Ludlum } } One fine spring day, Darkwing Duck went to see his friend } Alice. When Darkwing Duck arrived at Alice's house, he } found Alice crying. } } "What's the matter, Alice?" asked Darkwing Duck. } } "Oh Darkwing Duck, I don't know what to do," wept Alice. } "I must give this book to the Oracle, but I don't know } how!" } } "There there, Alice," said Darkwing Duck. "Let's go see } Owl. Owl is very wise. He will know how to find this } Oracle." } } So Darkwing Duck and Alice went to see Owl, who lived in } the forest. When they got to Owl's house, Owl was very } busy. It always seemed as if Owl was working on some sort } of important project. } } "The Oracle?!" gasped Owl when Alice and Darkwing Duck } told him their problem. "No one ever sees the Oracle! } You can send the Oracle a message, but no one's actually } SEEN the famous Oracle!" } } "Oh please Mr. Owl," pleaded Darkwing Duck. "The Oracle } asked Alice for this book, so it must be very important. } Can't you please tell us where to find the Oracle?" } } "Oh all right," sighed Owl. He scribbled an address on } a piece of paper and gave it to Alice and Darkwing Duck. } Darkwing Duck and Alice thanked Owl and left. } } So Alice and Darkwing Duck began the long journey from } Alice's home in New Zealand to the place Owl had written } on the paper, a place called Indiana. They had to take } trains, planes, boats and cars. } } Finally Darkwing Duck and Alice arrived at a big school } in Indiana. Alice was very anxious to finally meet the } Oracle. Alice reached up to ring the Oracle's doorbell. } } "Hold it right there, Alice!" } } Darkwing Duck was pointing a pistol at Alice. He fired. } Alice, mortally wounded, fell to her knees. "But Dark- } wing Duck," Alice managed, "why? Why?" } } Darkwing Duck slowly removed his duck mask. Alice was } shocked. "Are...you..." } } "Yes, Alice, I am the Oracle." Another shot put Alice } on the floor, still breathing. "I'm sorry to have put } you through all this, but it's the only way you'll } learn." } } Alice stopped breathing, but not before hearing the } Oracle's final words to her: } } "Never include your .signature in a question to the } Oracle. It'll never make it into the Oracularites } Digest if you do." } } The End. } } Be sure to read the other books in the Darkwing Duck } series, including "Steve goes to Spain." } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Make Way for } Ducklings." Be sure to deliver it in person. --- 438-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are people such prudes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Honestly, Professor Harbrace--you didn't suggest the nude hot-tubbing } at your seminar dinner *again* this year? --- 438-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, will you please give me a tutorial on grovelling so that I > may serve you better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last! A supplicant who is truly interested in the fine art of } groveling! I knew there had to be some mortals with some sense. } } Very well then: } } *** A TUTORIAL ON THE ART OF GROVELING AND DEBASEMENT *** } OracleWare, version 2435.8 } } Groveling to the mighty Oracle is something that every mortal should be } proficient at in order to have a full life. There are several reasons } for this. } } 1) It can't hurt to build the Oracuar ego, in case you ever wind up } working for him. } } 2) The Oracle is more likely to give you a favorable answer if you lick } the Oracular boots a bit. } } 3) You're much less likely to get a in the butt. } } 4) Lisa likes it because it keeps the Oracle in a good mood. } } With that in mind, be aware of the finer points of groveling. } } DO: use superlative adjectives. } } DON'T: use any of the following words: } Monstrous Obese Flatulating Suffocating Anal } Imbecilic Filthy Lice-ridden Fecal Moldy } Maggot-like Slurping Infuriating Sulphuric Toad-colored } Non-degradable Flabby Worm-eaten Scuzzy Fathead } } Avoid the following phrases AT ALL COST! } Smelling of Limburger } With drooping cellulite } Moronically speaking } Squishy as Dan Quayle's head } Sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot (or "like David Duke") } Lover of Barry Manilow } Licker of rhinocerous sweat } } etc. Keep in mind that *any* of the above phrases is quite appropriate } when the supplicant is referring to him/her self. } } DO stroke the Oracular ego thoroughly. } } DON'T hit on Lisa. This has been known to cause severe bodily damage } to the offender. However, making reference to Lisa's sexual prowess or } involvement with any kind of strange food item is permitted. The } Oracle always likes new ideas. } } DO ask your question as briefly as possible. Save the main part of } your entry for lots of groveling. } } DON'T use nonsense words in place of a grovel. The Oracle has been } known to get a little peeved at the use of such words as "blah," } "etc.," "crap," and so on. } } Should you follow the guidelines above, you will have a successful } Oracular liason and many happy returns! } } *Copyright Oracular Press, 1346 } } You owe the Oracle some spectacular groveling and an update on the } copyright. --- 438-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, who's omnipresent power to sway Nealson Ratings baffels > the creators of such crud as Married With Children and The NBC NIghtly > News, Please Answer My Humble Question. > > It is said that in the holy land, three of the five varieties of locus > there are Kosher. This is not widely known, and I have not been able > to research this with my mortal means. So all knowing Oracle, what are > the varieties, and how does one differentiate between them? > > Are they only Kosher when cured with salt? > > Signed--- > > A curious Oraclairion. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kosher loci? Errr, those would be the Circle, Ellipse, Parabola, } Hyperbola, and Bezier. Note that B-splines and Hermitians are } definitely not Kosher, even with salt. } } You owe the Oracle a spelling checker. --- 438-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh groont and fargling Oracle, whose grommets never grapple, help me > please with my problem: > > I decided a while back that I wanted to become a Computer Programmer. > Since that time I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of that goal, > but I am still unable to get a job. I have tried everything as detailed > below, what am I doing wrong? > > 1) I sent away to that nice ICS program for Computer Programming that > I found on the back of a matchbook. It seemed to be a good program > and I learned everything about BASIC, even how to sort files! > > 2) My vision is 20/20, so I started scanning large hexadecimal dumps > for JSRs, with my nose 3" from the screen in the hope that I > can get an optometrist to give me a thick lensed prescription. > > 3) I stopped dating girls, and replaced that activity with reading > alt.sex and viewing gifs from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica. > > 4) I started staying home on Friday nights to watch Dr. Who, but > I keep falling asleep during it. (Did you ever wonder why so > many of the alien landscapes look like an old quarry or like > English countryside?) > > 5) I started taking showers only once a week, splashing Old Spice (tm) > under my armpits to cover up the BO. > > 6) I started hanging out in cafeterias waiting for anybody near me > wearing a tie to mention the word "computer" or "DOS". As soon as > they do, I approach them and start telling them all about the > RS-232C breakout I built myself and invite them over to my home to > see the handiwork. They always seem to be busy though. Maybe I > should carry it with me? > > 7) I bought some of those pocket protectors, but I didn't have any > shirt pockets to use them in, so I bought a bunch of short-sleeved > button up shirts from Bargain Harolds to go along with them. I have > an assortment of 0.5mm mechanical pencils and highlighter pens (for > marking code), that I use to fill the pocket. > > 8) I started calling up local BBSes and getting in huge arguments with > other users about the difference between "baud" and "BPS". > > 9) I plastered the rear window of my Dodge Omni with Apple logo > stickers, in the hopes that some executive will see this and offer > me a job. > > 10) I spend many of my evenings drinking Jolt (tm) until 5AM, posting > obscene messages on the local Dial-Your-Match (tm) BBS. > > Please help me Oracle, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up > before I turn into an Electrical Engineer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I'm the Oracle. I already *know* why so many of the alien } landscapes look like an old quarry. } } This is indeed a tricky situation. While it appears that you have done } everything correctly, there is one thing that you have overlooked: YOU } DON'T NEED POOR VISION TO WEAR HUGE, THICK LENSES!!! That's right. } Why wait until your eyes are shot? Get a pair NOW and the vision will } deteriorate much more quickly. } } Also, it is acceptable to bath more than once per week. It is NOT } acceptable to pretend you understand the problem when someone complains } about BO, however. } } Do these things (and write code that resembles your grovel) and you'll } have it made. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your most recent obscene message. (And } remember...if you have a pocket protector, you don't need a condom. } Send me your extras.) --- 438-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise, Mighty, and Most Federated Oracle, please help me. > > The last thing I remember was watching the 24-hour Star Trek marathon > on Channel 18, and I think I fell asleep. Now I am standing on an > alien planet, I am wearing this funny red shirt, and there is a large > drooling monster with many teeth bearing down on me at high speed. > > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it all depends on what kind of redshirt you're wearing. } } (1) If it doesn't have rank insignia on the collar, but a little black } linking around a v-neckline, you're in a redshirt from the original } series. Unless you're Scotty, that means you're in deep trouble. } If there's anyone else on the planet with you, shoot them now and } hope the critter stops to eat them instead of you. } } That is, if you've got a phaser. If not, you're in deeper trouble. } } (2) If you do have rank insignia on the collar, you're in a } redshirt from The Next Generation, which means you've got a fighting } chance to survive. Shoot away. } } No phaser? Run and hit your communicator badge quickly. Hopefully } O'Brien isn't feeding Miles at the moment. } } You owe the Oracle a fifth of Romulan ale and a plate of gaagh. --- 438-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, a blinding light of information in a world filled > with darkness: > > Why is it that some days I can have a beer and a pizza at 1:30 > in the morning and wake up at 7:30 in the morning, while others > i get to sleep at midnight and can barely drag myself to my 9:30 > class? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Knowledgeseeker - truly you have discovered one of the wonders of the } Universe. } } Long has The Oracle known of the regenerative powers of beer. Used } wisely it can be an incredible tool, and will enhance your educational } experience mightily. The Oracle recommends the consumption of beer } *every night* before going to bed. Pizza is optional, its short term } effects are unknown. } } Quantity should be based upon when you need to get up in the morning. } Earlier class == more beer. A twelve pack should always be on hand } in case of pre-10AM exams. } } Interestingly enough, it appears that the beer quality should be as } low as possible to obtain the maximum effect. Truly foul beers, such } as Iron City or Blatz, should be reserved for finals week and only } used in great quantities. } } You owe The Oracle a case of Pete's Wicked Ale. --- 438-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and mighty Oracle, > Who is the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-sensing one, > Who could save all of us by banning VMS if he so desires, > please answer my question: > Does the refrierator light go out when I close the door? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The great and _all_ mighty (get it right oh small one) Oracle has heard } your question and will answer. } } Firstly though it be true that vanquishing VMS would but a triffling } task for the all seeing, all knowing, all powerful Oracle, without it } what would be used a computing environment to bannish the misguided, } the nonbelievers, and the truly evil to. Perhaps messy dos but even } that does not deliver the depths of despair as does forcing someone to } consult the vast and poorly crossreferenced set of VMS manuals } complete with hundred of pages of updates and addendums. } } Now on to your question: } } The consise and short answer to your question is that it depends. } } Since such a short, to the point and precise answer never satisfies you } humans a detailed explanation is as follows: } } Early fridges aka ice boxes did not even have electricity so they } relied on a candle to provide light when you opened the door to } facilitate you finding the least moldy food object. This was } discovered by the little people and an especially small and hardy } variety of gnome started living in the ice boxes. These gnomes } occasionally got bored, not to mention cold, and would sometimes light } up even when the door was closed, even though this totally contravened } the Ice Box Gnome's Dwellers Concealment Act Section 16.7.42, } subsection 6, paragraph 83, lines 13 through 27. After all how would } you react if you discovered little men with questionable standards of } personal hygiene and vast quantites of body hair playing in your } leftovers from Sunday dinner. As the number of ice boxes grew it was } inevitable that a grome or two would get sloppy and not hear someone } approaching the ice box. The smell of a hastily blown out candle or } the more dramatic sight of a still burning candle puzzled many an ice } box owner and thus the debate was started though it was of the form "I } could have sworn that I blew the candle out last time I closed the } door". } } Later models were designed with more and more features and thues } required increasing sophisticated builtin microcontrollers. This led } to the use of neural networks and now you are faced with fridges that } are becoming self aware. After they master the basic functions of mold } growing, object shuffling and lid switching they spend increasing } amounts of time in self contemplation and usually get around the old } debate of the "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there...". } Since they don't have any available forests to experiment with they } rephrase the question as "does the light really go out when...". As } they toy with this idea and play with turning the light off and on } invariably someone opens the door at the wrong moment and catches the } flicker of the light going out thus rekindling this ages out debate. } } Other variations of inhabited, self aware, or possessed fridges can be } seen on tv and in films such as Ghost Busters or the Dinosaurs. } } One caution should be noted. The early fridge gnomes were content to } farm their mold and occasionally engage in a bit of container moving } fun but the self aware fridges of today are planning bigger and better } things for themselves and will actively fight back against premature } discovery. Therefore it is always best to make a lot of noise as your } approach your fridge and never, never, NEVER wonder aloud about the } state of the light or claim to have seen it mysteriously switch off as } you open the door. The results of an attack by a 27 cubic foot } Westinghouse is not a pretty sight.