From oracle-request Thu Jul 16 09:19:55 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 09:19:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #468 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 468 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #468 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 09:19:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 468 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 468-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O erudite Oracle who knows the whereabouts of Elvis, or at least > the weight of his sideburns, how can I get front-row Springsteen > tickets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O ticketless supplicant, } You have several options. The most obvious one is to call } Ticketmaster or a similar agency and ask for a front-row ticket. After } they have relieved you of you life savings, you will be the proud owner } of a fronrow ticket. } The next, almost-as-obvious option is to arrive at the concert } several hours early and visit one of the people colloquially known as } "scalpers". After they have relieved you of your life savings and the } flesh atop your skull, you will be the proud owner of a front-row } ticket. } The last, least-obvious option is to purchase a nosebleed seat, } and arrive at the concert in a uniform similar to an usher. Go to the } front row and find someone sitting in a seat. Inform said person that } they have a private phone call at the main gate, and you were sent to } find them by their seat location (as you don't know their name). While } escorting the unsuspecting person towards the main gate, relieve them } of their consciousness and their ticket stub, and you will be the proud } owner of a front-row ticket. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis' next concert, and bootlegs } from the one after that. --- 468-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle > Please tell me how I will know when I have found the woman of my > dreams.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, you will feel flushed, breaking out in a light sweat. Your } palms will become moist and itchy. Your breathing will become } shallow and rapid, not unlike that of a rabbit caught in a snare, } which, incidentally, is not an unworthy comparison. You will } experience heart palpitation and a loss of equilibrium. Your } throat will constrict, but only enough to make your voice noticeably } high and squeaky. Funny colors will dance before your eyes, and } a tickling sensation will begin in your stomach, spread to your } limbs, followed by a rushing feeling of warmth and well-being. } You will begin feel an upwelling of lightness in your chest which } will manifest itself in an outbursting of song. You will smile } uncontrollably, will find yourself suddenly endowed with grace } and lightness of foot. You will dance with your arms spread } outward. The colors of the grass and sky will seem more intense. } You will notice how good everything smells. The smallest sound } will seem as music. You will look at her and you see the face of } heaven in her eyes, and your soul will take flight like a winged thing. } Then you will wake up. You will be late for work, your car will have } a dead battery, and you will go through the day with dog dung on } your shoe. You will come home to an empty apartment, eat a TV } dinner, realize you are alone in the world and weep. } } Well, you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a spot on "Studs." --- 468-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Always The Last To Know The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear T. UseNet Oracle: > > You have been SUMMONED to appear in a Court of Law, on August 19, > 1992. This is a legal summons, valid in all cities, states, counties, > countries, hemispheres, worlds and galaxies. > > The court may decide against you if you do not appear. > > Case Number IEEE.802.5 > Defendent: Lisa M. Oracle > > Background: > > On or about 34 AD, the defendent alledges that the plaintiff, > know known as T. UseNet Oracle, did, with full intent and knowledge, > attempt to sexually harass and intimidate Lisa M. Chaste, whom > the plaintiff later married. > > The defendent argues that, since the marriage was by virtue of > threat and intimidation, it is not contractually binding. Therefore, > Ms. Lisa M. Oracle hereby seeks disolution of the union, and assests > amounting to 50% ("One Half") of the adjusted net income of T. > Usenet Oracle between the periods of 34 AD and July 2nd, 1992. > > Please respond directly to this letter. A sworn statement, notorized > by your legal counsel, will protect your rights. > > Also, we must warn you that our firm has obtained a temporary > restraining order, barring you from ing any individual, > either singularly or as a group, until this matter is resolved. > > Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat > Attorneys at Law And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Messrs. Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat, } } Re: your communication numbered IEEE.802.5. We receive your missive } with an air of bittersweet amusement. My client, one Mr. Usenet T. } Oracle wishes to avoid any unpleasant legal wrangling with your } client, his wife, one Lisa M. Oracle, and to accomplish this desired } state of non-enmity, in a legal sense, is willing to produce documenta- } tion proving conclusively conditions of fraud, malice, and entrapment } on the part of your client, the aforementioned Mrs. Oracle, thus } nullifying her previously filed complaint. } } In his defense, my client produces the enclosed items, the originals } being retained by our firm to guard against any unfortunate "accident" } which may occur while said items are in your possession. You will } agree, we are sure, that our evidence, most particularly the Polaroids } of your client in the form of a she-goat in a red leather teddy at the } nuptuals in question, in concert with her signature on the wedding } license, on which she refers to herself as, and I quote, "Nubian } Num-Num," and the veritable bevy of depositions from eyewitnesses } to a key incident approximately 12 hours before the actual wedding, } in which your client initially encountered the estimable Mr. Oracle, } "clopping" as one observer put it, over to him on all fours, eating } the sole of his right sandle while making lewd "snuffling" sounds, } then licking the sole of his foot until my client was obliged to } accompany her to an anteroom in which activities commenced that it } would be in your client's best interest to avoid disclosing. All } this occured during peak hours of operation at the Bacchus' Bowl- } o-Rama, and further depositions may be brought forth upon request. } } This incident has proved embarrassing in the extreme to my client, } a diety whose past life has been unblemished by the ugly stain of } scandal. However, he will not be caused further pain by a creature } who tricked him into marriage by assuming an alluring shape, only } revealing her true nature on their wedding night, thus causing } sufficient stress to my client to send him into intensive group } sexual therapy to overcome the resulting inhibitions. Nay, my } client has suffered enough, and demands these futile threats } cease and desist, on pain of future, public, disclosures about } your client which will result in her spending the rest of her } miserable life as one of Hades' gold-plated bidets. We trust } this course of action will not be necessary and that your client } will withdraw her claim. } } Respectfully, } } Gouge, Screwe, Gypp, and Reame } Attorneys At Law --- 468-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Otis H. Viles" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, an answer please, for your humble and devoted > supplicant who worships the ground you walk upon. > > Is sex the strongest force in the universe, or is it power? Or, are > they one in the same? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa? Lisa, could you help me out here? I've got a questioner on the } line who wants to know if sex is power. } } "Listen, Orrie, I've *told* you about taking questions when you're } supposed to be setting aside time for me! Next thing I know, the } jello's hardened and it's very uncomfortable. So, if your questioners } are more important to you than I am, I guess you won't be needing me } around tonight, will you?" } } No! I mean, yes! Aw, c'mon, Lisa, cut me some slack... } } "How many times have I done that already? No! This is just one more } straw! You'll just have to go without for a few days. I've already } told Aphrodite that if you call her hoping to get some on the side, } she's to tell you to stuff yourself or I won't organize any more orgies } for her. You think I don't know you've been screwing around while I } visit my Mom?" } } Aw, but Lisa... } } "Nice try, but the big sad eyes aren't going to make it this time. } Just sit at your little terminal and answer questions, since *they* } mean so much to you. Let's see how well you deal with going to bed } *alone* for a while." } } } } } } Well, supplicant, you are close, but not quite right. The strongest } force in the universe is the *withholding* of sex. } } You owe the Oracle an inflatable Lisa, just for a few nights... --- 468-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Mr. U. Oracle > > Dear Sir: > > I'm sorry to inform you that you test has come back positive. Please > return to our office as soon as possible to begin treatment. If > possible you should bring with you a list of all your sexual partners > from the last fifteen years. > > Please consider this to be of the utmost importance. Thank you. > > Dr. Billy-Joe Harvester And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa: Now what could this letter for Orrie be. Oh! Oh...Orrie must } be playing jokes on the medical profession again. The very idea } that an omniscent, all-powerful being could have an STD is } ludicrous! I mean, he once had a computer virus for a few } minutes, but he got rid of it quickly enough. And anyway, my } tests came in negative after that party six months ago. If I } was going to pick anything up, I would have picked it up then. } Nope, it's a joke. } } Oracle: Lisa? What are you reading? } } Lisa: Just some mail. } } Oracle: Anything interesting? } } Lisa: Nope! Just go back to bed. I'll be there with the marshmallow } fluff and the rollerblades in a couple minutes. } } Oracle: Oh boy! } } Lisa: Now that he's gone, I can reply to this letter. Dear Dr. } Harvester, (what a weird name!) Mr. Oracle recently passed away } of a mysterious illness. He is unable to respond to your } inquiry. Have a nice day! --- 468-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, brother of God, descendant of mount Olympus, creator of > High Queries, dispenser of eternal Wisdom, of Whom I would not dare to > lick the boots and rather drivel around in a pit of my own filth then > dare to step in His shadow on a hot summer day in the desert. > > Pray, tell me: > > Why do the English drive on the lefthand side of the road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This aberrant behavior on the part of the English people is little more } than a matter of habit. It stems from when all the English relied on } horses for their transportation; when dealing with horses, the English } made a habit of doing everything, be it buckling on the harness or } mounting the horse itself from the left. } } Thus, through the ages, English children have been brought up with the } admonishion that "left is right, and right is wrong." Any attempt by } the child to approach a horse from the right would be met with a severe } thrashing with a carpet beater, and it would then be sent to bed before } Benny Hill came on. } } As a child, Rudyard Kipling once wrote "Right is right, and Left is } left, and never the twain shall meet"; this was viewed as a crass pun } on the directional instruction, and his nanny took him forthwith to the } greasy green Limpopo river, where a crocodile bit his nose. Later, } Kipling rewrote this line as "East is East, and West is West, and never } the twain shall meet"; as a result he was lionized by women all over } the world. A true Englishman, he decided that crocodile episode was } more pleasurable. --- 468-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, I don't mean to whine before Your Holiness. And > I know that I'm not supposed to ask about this type of system, > but how is a one armed person supposed to warm boot a DOS box? > > (This one has one of those older keyboards with Ctrl only on > the left hand side and Del only on the right hand side.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon holds your solution, embedded in his } nickname. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of "Chopsticks", played with any/all arms } tied behind your back. --- 468-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Wisdom! > > Please tell me why Finland is the most expensive country to live > in the whole world? What can be done about it? > > Living in Finland is about 59% more expensive than in America. > Please help the poor Finns! If you have a solution, send it also > to Mr. Aho, the Prime Minister of Finland. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vowels. Vowels are several hundred times more expensive than } consonants, and Finland runs a huge vowel import surplus. The pattern } is well-known among economists: A similar problem occurs in Hawaii, one } of the most costly states in the union, and the converse occurs in } Wales and Poland, net vowel exporters which consequently have very low } costs-of-living. Why do you think Wheel of Fortune charges for vowels, } but pays for consonants? } } You owe the Oracle a sometime Y and W. --- 468-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people "apologise for the inconvenience"? Wouldn't it be > better to simply get it right the first time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are two questions here: } } 1. Why do people apologize for the Inconvenience? } } Many, many years ago, when the Inconvenience was first born, it was } able to apologize for itself. For better or for worse (and this was a } highly debated issue), the Inconvenience lost his ability to speak. } (How? you may ask... the Cat got its tongue, of course). Anyway, the } Humans were developing this concept called manners just about then, and } the rest, as they say, is history. } } 2. Wouldn't it be better to simply get it right the first time? } } This is a long story... but what the heck -- Lisa's gone for the day } anyhow. } } Once upon a time, God created dinosaurs. And he looked at them, and } saw that they were good. Not great, you understand, but good. So he } decided to make them better. Thus was born the concept of evolution } (don't tell the scientists that God created evolution -- they'd go } nuts). Unfortunately He was busy that day, and His mind was wandering, } and the dinosaurs unfortunately began getting worse. Their legs got } shorter, their stomachs got bigger, their brains got smaller... you get } the picture. By the time God finally noticed the mess, it was getting } out of hand. The only alternative left was to destroy them altogether } (nope, it wasn't an ice age, or even a really big meteorite). When He } noticed, He happened to in the midst of cooking a batch of cookies. He } was reading the recipe, and happened to look over His shoulder at His } monitor, which happened to be switched to the Earth camera, and well, } it sounded something like this: } } "Let's see... bake at 350 degrees for ... What the ... oh no ... fixing } that dinosaur thing is going to be one big inconvenience." } } Unfortunately, he had forgotten to switch his voice recognition } software off, and as he had sort of mumbled that whole bit, the } computer caught "... Make ... one big Inconvenience". } } And that's how the Inconvenience was born. (We're talking about the } computer that created the Earth here, you understand.) } } Let's see, your question... ah yes, "wouldn't it be better to get it } right the first time?" Well, yes, of course it would have been. } Nobody likes getting it wrong, especially God. But, hey, everyone } makes mistakes now and then. For example, you completely forgot to } grovel. (But don't worry, I'm in a good mood today.) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible, Murphy's edition. --- 468-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do YOU care what other people think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm hurt. I am, in fact, deeply offended. You accuse ME, the Usenet } Oracle, of not caring what other people think? It's my life! my bread } and butter! yea! the core of my very existence! } } Of course, there WAS a time when I was less concerned... } } [standard 70's "dream sequence waves"] } } "Orrie, you come in and put on something more than that loincloth } before the neighbors see you." } } "Oh, off, Mom." } } "Orrie, I'm serious. This frolicking about semi-nude just will not } do." } } "Mom, do you really think I care what you think?" } } "Young man, you may be the Usenet Oracle, but I'm your mother, and when } I tell you to do something you DO IT. Hear me?" } } "Mom, I don't care!! Whatcha gonna do about it?" } } / ZZZZZ OOO TTTTT \ } / Z O O T \ } < Z O O T > } \ Z O O T / } \ ZZZZZ OOO T / } } "Owww...." } } [standard "return to present wave"] } } So, you see, there was a time when I didn't care. Once. Never } again--I've learned my lesson. } } You owe the Oracle some Bactine.