From oracle-request Fri Sep 4 18:38:27 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22472; Fri, 4 Sep 1992 18:38:27 -0500 Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 18:38:27 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #474 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 474 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #474 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 18:38:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 474 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 474-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I am beginning to suspect that my lowly mortal diet is > deficient in important minerals, like lead and cadmium. However, when > I went to the local health food store and asked about lead supplements, > they weren't sure about them, and tried to sell me vitamin A pills that > looked large enough to use as doorstops. Great Oracle, can you tell me > if there is a US RDA for lead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heavy metal deficiency is a growing, hidden health problem in America } today. Medical science cannot even tell how many innocent children are } struck down by preventable disease, brought on by a lack of dietary } lead, tellurium, or gallium. Driven to desparation, some mothers feed } their children paint chips, computer circuitry, or even raw ores! } Happily, n answer is at hand: Consolidated Cereals is proud to announce } its latest line of health-conscious breakfast foods: Heavy-Metal } Cereals. } } Try them all! Arsenios (in regular and honey-nut flavors!!) } By-Product 19 (with radioactivity for the go-getter in } you!!) CoCo Puffs (with 200% of the US RDA of ionic } cobalt!!) Special K (elemental potassium makes it } explode when you add milk!!) } } And many, many more!! Look for the lead-shielded display at a grocer } near you, and fill the gaps in your periodic kitchen table!!! } } You owe the Oracle a heaping plate of thulium ravioli, and a frosty } glass of mercury. --- 474-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I were walking along in some woods in Texas, and a butterfly > sitting on a tulip in Maine flapped it's wings seventeen times, would > Bob Dylan's voice sound halfway tolerable, or would a major earthquake > occur in Malaysia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither. A hurricane would begin in the Atlantic, stir up the salsa in } Miami, and try the gumbo in Luisiana. } } Due to the danger of such butterflies spawning Atlantic hurricanes, } Maine has enacted the Flying Insect Eradication Act. The state house } was subsequently destroyed by sudden squall from the North Atlantic. } Coincidence? I think not! } } You owe the Oracle a detailed analysis of the effects of Gypsy Moths on } the El Nino cycle. (The Oracle knows that the lack of diacritics is } offensive to Latin eyes, but there is little that can be done until the } system designers realize that people type more than one language. I } think I'll ZOT them all mildly to jar their memory.) --- 474-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mysterious Oracle, > > I had a most unusual experience yesterday. I was working > on my workstation when a strange feeling came over me. I felt > like I was leaving my body. Everything in the room was gone > except for the workstation which turned into the most magnificent > machine I've ever seen. I heard strange voices. One voice was > louder and was talking about woodchucks and wood. I simply > didn't understand. The voices became very urgent and strident > and wanted me to answer all their questions. I was becoming > very frantic when I suddenly came to and found my face on the > keyboard of my less-than-magnificent workstation. My nose and > chin had managed to reboot the machine. > > So tell me -- what does this all mean? Was a cosmically > significant event? Or did I just eat too much pizza with > the works the night before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the } compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program } before. The most widely accepted theory about deja boot is that your } workstation's electrons have jumped quantum levels to connect with a } workstation in a parallel space-time continuum. This explains why your } workstation seemed to have metamorphosed: you were actually in } communication with a parallel workstation, which is much fancier than } your old serial workstation. } } The business about the woodchucks, however, _was_ due to the pizza. } } You owe the Oracle another question that begins with the words: } } This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the } compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program } before. --- 474-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Jesus were born today, who would the three wise men be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Better you should ask, who WERE they. Jesus had long planned a second } coming, and arranged to have himself born to a short-order chef and his } virgin wife in Needles, California, on December 25, 1977. Word of His } incarnation was carried to certain shepherds in Sonora, Mexico, by } extraterrestrials descending from a UFO that briefly appeared in the } form of a supernova in the constellation of Cassiopeia. } } The shepherds passed word along to their local magi, three Yaqui Indian } brujos named Gastar, Mejor, and Barato. They saddled their donkeys and } set out for the north, taking with them three sacred gifts: saguaro } fruit, peyote buttons, and a glow-in-the dark Frisbee lost by an } Arizona State University coed on spring break in Nogales earlier in the } year, which had been recovered by a street urchin who took it back to } the village elders. } } The Yaqui magi eluded the Border Patrol by travelling at night, } following the Star, and crossing the border in the middle of Luke Air } Force base, where they were briefly annoyed by an F-16 on a practice } run until Barato witched it, turning it into a Mexican freetail bat. } The three followed the Colorado River safely, sheltered from detection } by their Cocopa and Mohave Indian brothers along the way. } } They very nearly made it to Needles, but their pilgrimage came to an } abrupt end at the California Agricultural Inspection Station on I-40, } where a drowsy inspector failed to notice the peyote but was jolted } sharply awake by unmistakable signs of Mexican galloping mange on } the donkeys. In order to prevent the highly infectious disease from } spreading to California donkey herds, officials impounded and destroyed } the hapless animals and burned all organic material they carried that } might harbor the disease. Only Barato was permitted to keep his } Frisbee after it had been sprayed with Lysol. } } The demoralized brujos consulted and agreed that they couldn't possibly } greet the newborn King with only one present. Sadly they turned their } visages to the south forever. } } The infant Jesus was so demoralized by his failure to receive any } presents that he lost all interest in redeeming mankind and decided to } grow up as an ordinary boy. If you're interested, his name is Jason } Peterzell and he's a sophomore at Needles High, where he is studying } carpentry in shop class. Two years ago a vague urging prompted him to } buy a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee with his newspaper delivery money, but } today it lies forgotten under the comic books in his closet. } } The story has a happy ending, however. Gastar, Mejor, and Barato } learned enough from their border crossing to become highly successful } "coyotes," and after a decade of smuggling well-to-do Central Americans } across the border they retired to a custom-built house in their native } village complete with indoor plumbing and satellite TV. Perhaps the } only evidence today of their ill-fated quest to honor the Infant King } is the local superstition, found nowhere else in Sonora, that whenever } a donkey is lost a horned lizard will be found in its stall--a horned } lizard that was once a donkey, transformed into a reptile by the angry } brujo whose path it had foolishly crossed. --- 474-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am nothing but an unworthy soul. > I am not worthy. > I know, everybody knows, thou art ye all-powerful, ye greatest of ye > greatest master oracle of ALL ye oracles that do exist in ye > multiverse. I bow before thine knowledge of which no mortal dareth > attempt to understand just how vast, how unlimited it is. Although I do > not deserve counsel from you, ye great oracle, let me ask but a simple > question: > What is ye nature of ye universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THAT old chestnut? (* chuckle *) Well, since you seem to have gone } out of your way to flatter me and win my favor, the least I can do is } answer this question: but this is the LAST TIME, OK? Even though I } exist outside of the limits of space and time as you perceive it, I'm } not getting any younger. OK, now, where did I write that down? } } [riffling through papers on cosmic desk] No... nope... no... huh uh... } no... nope... (damn! Where did I put that thing?)... no...Ah! } } [holding a coffee-stained sheet of looseleaf] The Nature of the } Universe and All Things Really Great Big and Important is... is... } [squinting] is....... } } [an eon passes. Stars are born, and stars die. Entire civilizations } thrive, progress, expand, and collapse.] } } ......is...[squinting harder, turning the sheet clockwise and holding } closer] } } .................is........well, hell. I can't make this thing out. } Well, in mortal terms, it's kind of like when you blow up a balloon } with big polka dots on it, except the dots aren't that big compared to } the balloon, and you're actually _in_ one of the dots, because dots are } galaxies, you see, so you blow up this infinite balloon (did I mention } it was infinite: well, it is), and it takes a really, really, really } long time to do so, even though "time" is actually a creation of the } process of the inflated balloon itself, which (of course!) isn't done } yet, beacuse you've just started and it's infinite and all, and once } the balloon is finally full size, you pull the nozzle between your } fingers and make that funny squeaking noise and let out all the air and } all the dots (which are actually galaxies which actually have you on } them, but you don't have a balloon because you're busy letting the air } out of the universe)... all the dots collapse, but they keep going in } and in and in and in until there's nothing left, not even the balloon } itself, which is a problem because you are both on the balloon (which } is now nowhere) and outside the balloon (which is a different nowhere). } It's just like that, except that there are no balloons, no people } blowing them up, and all the dots are actually paralellepipeds. } } You owe the Oracle a tank of helium. --- 474-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man, > Play a song fer me-e-e, > Ah'm naht sleepy an' > There ain't no place ah'm goinn to > > He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man, > Play a song fer me-e-e, > In the jingle-jangle mahrnin' > Ah'll come fah-ah-low yew. > > Yer fren', Bob D. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How duz it feee-e-l? } Oh, how duz it feeel? } To be a complete mor-oon? } To be a virtual unkno-o-wn? } To be re-e-l real ston'd? } Feel like rolling a bone! } } Never thought that anyone would ever ask of me to really } sing for y-o-ou!!! } Didn't think that I would have to write a song that would be } fit for y-o-ou!!! } This is sumthin' that ah } laugh about } Cuz' I can't sing, I just } scream real louuuud! } I just sat on a water spout. } Washed my insides inside out. } } Can't find a rhyme so I'd like to make a deealllll } } Oh how duz it feee-el? } Oh, how duz it feel? } To pay off a college lo-oan? } To answer a cordless phone? } To let out a heartfelt moan? } Feel like rollin' a bo-o-ne! } } Yer friend, } -O. Allmighty } } You owe the Oracle a bootleg of a 1967 Dylan performance in a small } nightclub just outside Reykjavik. By this Thursday. --- 474-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle! most wise I grovel at your shrine for knowledge. Please > tell me: where did I park my car? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see. You parked it behind your wife's car, next to your } mistress's car, outside the nice doctor's office... } } Oh, you meant most recently. You querants should learn to specify } these things. Well, let's see what you did yesterday: } } 5:55 am -- Woke up in mistress's bed. Remembered that wife sets alarm } for 6:00 am. Sped home, narrowly avoiding a ticket (you can } thank me later). } } 5:58 am -- Leapt in the door -- quietly -- and turned on warmer in } coffee maker. Attempted to scramble eggs. } } 6:00 am -- Awakened wife and asked for directions on scrambling eggs. } Lied and said coffee was fresh. } } 6:15 am -- Dressed and left for work at the university computer } complex. Took off Ray-Bans and put on broken glasses. Took } off Ray-Ban case and donned well-worn pocket protector, with } pre-leaked pen. Switched car radio from jazz fusion station } to heavy metal/thrash rock station. Donned earplugs. Made } note (205th this year) to reverse sequence from now on. } } 6:45 am -- Arrived at campus. Noted that parking seemed to be worse } this morning than usual. Made note (354th this year, and it } not even September) to take bus from now on. Trolled for } parking. } } 7:15 am -- Double-parked between a handicapped space and a tenured full } professor's space. Figured (correctly) that no one would } try to tow your car out from between two student } crapmobiles. } } 7:25 am -- Walked through the door. Waved to system gods. Waved to } boss. Waved to mistress. Mistress beckoned -- you left } without saying goodbye again. Claimed to make note, but } actually forgot before she left. } } 7:45 am -- Beain to deal with clueless newbies. All thoughts of a car } banished from your mind. } } [here lies a dull day at work] } } 4:45 pm -- Began to have slight twinges of guilt at having parked } in a tenured professor's spot. Decided to knock off early } and check your car. } } 4:55 pm -- What car? (The student crapmobiles were also gone, having } been moved by the students about three seconds ahead of the } campus police.) } } 4:56 pm -- Cursed. Vehemently. In several languages. People stare. } } 5:00 pm -- Called campus police. Learned that the tow yard is open } until 5:30 pm on weekdays. Hung up on police department. } } 5:02 pm -- Consulted Yellow Pages. Tow yard is found to be a brief } distance away and on a bus route; luck was with you. } } 5:05 pm -- Commenced waiting for the bus. } } 5:23 pm -- Bus arrived. Cursed. Iterated until spleen fully vented. } Bus left with you on it. } } 5:29 pm -- Tow yard already closed for the night, but owner apparently } still there. Waited. } } 5:35 pm -- Owner, confronted with crazed compugeek, agreed to release } car. Drove home in serene confidence. } } 5:50 pm -- Arrived home to find message from mistress, wanting to see } you late evening. Very important, she said. Made excuse to } wife and bolted dinner and bolted from house. } } 6:15 pm -- Arrived at seedy bar cum mistress trysting place. Noted } large man sitting with mistress. Perspired. } } 6:17 pm -- Large man introduced as mistresses little brother, recently } released from Leavenworth. Charge apparently had something } to do with unpleasant demise of bro's DI. Perspired } further. } } 6:20 pm -- Brother took you for a walk. Walk turned into drive. Drove } for while, consumed uncounted beers. Passed out after } unexplained clock on noggin. } } 5:45 am today -- Awoke in ditch. Puked. Looked at sunrise. Puked } again. Felt for car. None in evidence. Hailed cab, } came to work, left message for Oracle. } } Well. It seems your car is most likely parked somewhere between where } you are and the nearest international border, if it hasn't already } crossed. I'd advise you to be more careful in selecting your passengers } in the future. } } You owe the Oracle your extra set of car keys -- he'll see what he can } do. Heh heh heh. (Shut up, Sis.) --- 474-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey guy, > > It's been a couple of years, but I'm back. What's been going > on since I left? > - J And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's about time you got back. You sparingly-used consonants were } always ones to show up late. Anyway, no one has really missed you } while you were gone. It's a shame you took Q with you, because U was } really attached to him. Needless to say, its been very kwiet since. U } is over Q, and has been seen forming a bond with O; everyone says they } are a nice cOUple. Everyone is pretty pissed about you two going AWOL, } but the adgustments have been made, and now noone thinks twice about } you guys. Most of us thought Q was a goke anyway - put in by the } Scrabble folks. I hope your little escapade was worth it, because now, } as they say, it is time to pay the piper. I'm sure you'll find me a } little more forgiving than some of the other letters - perhaps you } should gust pack up and head back to where you were. I hear some of } the new Slavic republics are looking for a few good consonants. Don't } expect a letter of recommendation from anyone here though. Hey, and } take Q with you. We gust don't need you kwacks around. } } - A --- 474-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The capital of Poland ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No but that was a good guess. And since that was your last chance, I } guess I'll have to tell you. The answer to 'What have I got in my } pocket' is in fact: Nothing at all! That's right, not a ring of power, } a snub nosed .38, a snot filled hankerchief, a spare set of car keys, } the Encyclopedia Midterranica, the Ark of the Covenant, Moby Dick (the } whale, not the book), a dead mouse, a hunk of Kryptonite, a well } thumbed copy of Troll Lust, a snuff film, my wallet, the Rock of } Gibralter, the Queen Elizabeth II, some loose change, a pound and a } half of goat's milk cheese (why you guessed that, even I have no idea), } a 1972 Chrysler Impala, the moon, Wayne Newton, or even the capital of } Poland. And let me say that they were all inspired guesses. Well, } maybe the goat's cheese one wasn't too good, but the rest were fine. I } just hope you learned your lesson and don't ever try and play twenty } questions with someone who's omniscient again. } } Since you lost, you owe the Oracle the complete works of J.R.R. } Tolkien. --- 474-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, with eyes and brain, > who many supplicants has slain; > tell me, why did the Beatles write > "Lucy in the Sky with Dynamite"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, let me set you right, } The word you want ain't "dynamite". } "Diamonds" was what Lucy got } 'Cause John and Paul were smacked on pot. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.