From oracle-request Sat Oct 24 13:16:50 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29108; Sat, 24 Oct 1992 13:16:50 -0500 Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1992 13:16:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #493 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 493 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #493 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1992 13:16:50 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 493 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 488 40 votes 7dg40 2eh70 cf931 48ae4 676ab 5fb63 29f95 3ce92 268cc 33ib5 488 2.9 mean 2.4 2.7 2.1 3.1 3.3 2.7 3.1 2.9 3.6 3.3 --- 493-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who knows all the details of the computer industry, > why is it that the serial numbers on computer cards are printed so that > you have to open the computer to read them, once you have them > installed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is fairly simple, actually. It's a kind of reverse-insurance } fraud. Put simply, you can't register the board for insurance purposes } without knowing the serial number, you can't get at the serial number } without opening the case, and opening the case invalidates your } guarantee. So, unless you get the serial number beforehand, you cannot } get the board guaranteed, and so if anything goes wrong they can } happily charge you full price to fix it. } } You owe the Oracle a 100 terabyte hard disk that fits in half a slot. --- 493-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knock Knock. > > Who's there? > > Banana. > > Knock Knock. > > Who's there? > > Banana. > > Knock Knock. > > Who's there? > > Orange. > > Orange who? > > Orange ya glad I didn't say banana? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, the Oracle would rather you had said "banana" again. } } I can't imagine anybody over the age of five finding that amusing. } } Ideally, you should have exploded into innumerable fragments rather } than saying anything. --- 493-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Praiseworthy and honorable ancient Oracle, > Every woman who has ever fallen in love with me has severe > psychological problems. Am I doomed never to know the love of a woman > who is sane? I'm not talking about pleasant eccentricities or harmless > delusions, but rather severe depression, bipolar disorder, and > schizophrenia. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have forgotten that little deal you made with my poker buddy, } the one in the red suit, haven't you? You know, you give him your } soul and you get to "drive women crazy"? Well, now that it's not what } you expected, don't come whining to me. Remember: you should read the } fine print before you sign anything. } } You owe the oracle a deck of cards and a bag of assorted nuts. --- 493-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Cheez Wiz, the All-knowing and All-powerful Oracle, this > pitiful little retch humbly asks of you... > > Who the hell is on the other side of this...?{rlinn@fscvax.fsc.vax.edu} And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hang on, I'll have a look.... } } {ude.xav.csf.xavcsf@nnilr} } } Nothing on this side except an electron gun, but in the background I } can see an incredibly ugly face looking at me. } } You owe the Oracle a question which doesn't make him wretch. --- 493-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most magnificent Omnipotence. > > What is the origin of the phrase "Bugger off you old fart"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As it turns out, the expression "bugger off" has nothing to do with } insects. It originally comes from the Sanskrit "Bhu-karof," which was } the name of the first family of declared Republicans found in } Indo-European regions. It has since evolved into "bugarov," which is } Byelorussian tripe, and of course "Bulgarian." Its entry into the } English language comes from Sanskrit to the German "bu:gerhofen," which } means to fling snot at someone (essentially, "booger-off"), and through } the French "bougaire oeuf," which means to (figuratively or literally) } pellet someone with old eggs with runny yolks. } } The word "you," as everyone knows, orginated in the Chinese as "Yu^", } which means "thick-headed listener," i.e. whomever is dumb enough to be } sitting there, listening to whatever silly things I am saying. The } negative connotations of "yu^" have also made their way into the } English exclamation "Yow!" } } "Old fart" appears to be a very English phrase, whose etymology before } Shakespeare's time is downright uncertain. It's first known use was in } one of Shakespeare's lesser-known works, _Romeo and Jules_, which may } have had a lack of success due to the morals of Elizabethan England. } In any case, the passage reads } } and perhaps this sodden, dreary fellow } This olde farte 'pon whom Dame Fortune was ne'er wont to smile } This sad sack, this foul-mouthed, wretched, heaving lump of lard, } Nay, even he doth not deserve to be locked in a room with } Rabid, balding Feminists. } (_Romeo and Jules_, I.iv, lines -6 to -2) } } The word "farte" may have come from the German word "farven," or "to } expel fumes as if from really old socks," which has found its way into } such modern contrivances as "fahrvergnugen," the Yiddish "farblondjet," } and the group called "The Far Corporation," which did a remake of } _Stairway to Heaven_ which truly stank. } } "Old," of course, is such an old word that nobody has a clue as to it } origins. } } You owe the Oracle an OED, PDQ. --- 493-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most^^^''''[[PP[sorry, ther^[[P''"electrical storm^[[P''''sfsdkjfu > my questi5'''"""''""''with a dil U&(&*plenty of fun&*"::"L":shiL:":L > #@EDFCB woodchuck soup(*&*U N >Y >*U(OK"OKsodomy"P(UU(IP "&^Fbugger And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No need to apologize, gentle reader, The Oracle is prepared for ANY } such interruptions...let's see here... } } [BEEP] } } GodOS v234.3241.1 (oracle.personal) <<>> Beta Version } } login: root } password: } } No mail for root. } } >>> Good morning, Oracle. } } oracle> Hello. I am in need of the most recent version of } VAXtrapolator. Please load and run it. } } >>> Certainly. One moment please... } } Searching...found "VAXtrapolator". } Loading VAXtrapolator. } } - VAXtrapolator v6.23.1 - Universal Extrapolation Utility } } Please input text to be translated. Use command "~r" to read a file. } } .~r question.43075 } Reading file question.43075...done. } } Translating...one moment please... } } - Trying "Hebrew"...failed. } - Trying "Middle English"...failed. } - Trying "Telecommunication Interference from Electrical Storm"...Ok. } } Working...done. } Translation follows: } } O most (sorry, there's an electrical storm here) wise and patient } Oracle, my question is this: I live with a dilettante (granted, she's } plenty of fun), but her interest lies only in roadkill cuisine: namely } woodchuck soup. My interest in her has waned, and the only logical } recourse is sodomy with a can of Raid (tm) Debugger. Don't you agree? } } >>> Done. } VAXtrapolator - endrun. } } oracle> ^D } Root logged out. Have a nice millenium! } } There, now we may proceed with a bit of coherency... } } First off, dilettante's on ANY subject are an abomination to } humankind. It has been my experience that they are most often } authorities on *no* topics of worth, and your friend's choice of } specialties is ample proof that, once again, the Oracle is correct. } However, one should NEVER resort to sodomy on any level...unless the } recipient is either willing or Republican. } So, it is my judgement (and thusly yours, mortal) that you should } immediately bring your friend to the attention of Greenpeace or some } other fanatic, right-wing environmental organization. They are quite } renowned for dealing with such people in ways not rivaled since the } Roman Catholics got a tad carried away a few years back. Rest assured, } my friend, that she will endure pain and suffering equal to, if not } greater than, anything you and the Raid people could hope to invoke. } } You owe the Oracle the recipe for Woodchuck Soup. Hey, even the } omniscient have cravings... --- 493-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're scum! You're nothing but scum! You've always been scum! > > You wouldn't know wisdom if it came up behind you and bit you > on the ass! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: A dim, dank, foul-smelling computer lab. A frenzied, } sweaty, disillusioned supplicant (who also smells rather foul) } crouches over a terminal, muttering under his breath, "scum, scum..." } He finishes typing, hits a key with a burst of finality, and breaks } into manaiacal laughter. } } Suddenly, a loud *POOF* is heard. A large Marine leading a donkey } on a tether appears out of nowhere behind the supplicant. The } supplicant winces, turns around, and gives a start of surprise } and fear. } } The Marine barks, "Are you responsible for this?" He gestures } toward the rear end of the donkey, where there is a set of } teeth marks, still bleeding, on the poor animal's flesh. The } supplicant stares, and stammers wordlessly. The Marine then } says sternly, "And is your name Henry F. Wizdum?" The supplicant } cringes, and the Marine shouts, "Answer me! Is your name Henry F. } Wizdum?" The poor supplicant shivers uncontrollably, and manages } to squeak out a high-pitched, "Y-yes.." } } The Marine smiles evilly, and takes a radio from his belt. "Sarge," } he says, "we got him. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him } that he was the one who bit your ass." He clicks the radio off, } and smirks at the supplicant. "You're going straight to the boss," } he chuckles. "Next time, if there IS a next time, remember that } 'scum' rearranged spells USMC." } } *POOF* --- 493-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail great Oracle! > Your claws are sharper than a serpent's tooth! > Your tail is bushier than Amenhotep's wig! > Your whiskers are wider than the Nile! > Your purr is deeper than an earthquake! > > Oracle, I am puzzled. > When my humans are not actively employed in doing my bidding, > they tend to sit around staring at a noisy box. > > What do they think they see? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhh, finally! A supplicant I can RESPECT!! } } To understand the mystery of the "noisy box," you must first understand } the limitations of humans. They lack the independence and } self-servingness of your species, as well as your superior hunting } instincts, cunning, and agility. The box attempts to replace some of } these deficiencies, satisfying these and other basic needs, much as you } have the humans (and, more importantly, their furniture) to satisfy } yours. } } What the people are staring at is not the box itself, but illusions } projected onto the front of it. These pictures relieve them of the } personal independence which they find so intolerable -- force-feeding } them somebody else's concept of entertainment, informing them of things } happening to other people, and telling them which products to buy for } you. This nurturing and assuming of responsibility is very similar to } a mother's care, which humans seem to have need for even into adulthood } and which is why the box is often referred to as "the boob tube." } } In addition, the tube prevents them from an overwhelming inferiority } complex related to your own aptitude... Because humans as a rule are } not agile and intelligent, the illusions provide them with an indirect } ego boost by showing them the minority of people who ARE quick, agile, } cunning, or otherwise somehow capable. The most popular diversion of } this nature involves two groups of physically superior humans pitted in } combat over an oblong leather trophy, and is usually an occasion for } social gatherings around the tube at which they eat and drink "beer" (a } form of peoplenip) and become even LESS physically able. Other than } that, the most common tube-picture is a shorter set of repetitive and } over-used ideas and gimmicks which are supposed to induce the watcher } into "laughing." Why humans need to do such a thing is beyond me. } *I* certainly would never have any involvement with it. } } That is all the information I can provide for you at this time. Please } feel free to drop by again in a few lives. In the meantime, } remember-- don't go for that ball of string. It'll never do anything } back to you, and the humans just think it's "cute." Scratch THEM up } instead!! They love it. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the Jellicle Ball. --- 493-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, Mr. Oracle, I've got a problem. You know how there are supposed > to be daemons in Unix machines but they're not supposed to get out? > Well, it looks like one of mine did get out. I think it's cron, > because he keeps looking at his watch and muttering, "Ahhhhm, five > minutes 'til feeding time," and looking at me with this hungry look in > his eye, only it's not always five minutes. He just said it's four > now. So, like, what should I do? He looks hungry enough to eat a ... > user? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get yourself an apple, a worm, a razorblade and some superglue. } Quickly cut the worm in three pieces with the razorblade. Use } the superglue to put it back according to this diagram. } } OOOOOOO OOOOOOOO OOOOOOO (Divided worm) } ! ! ! } ! +---------+--+ } ! ! ! } ! +--------+ ! } ! ! ! } OOOOOOO OOOOOOOO OOOOOOO (Glue the parts together } like this.) } } Then eat the apple, get in front of the daemon, dump the } core of the apple and have the worm to complain about its } segmentation fault. } } You owe the oracle some root beer. --- 493-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Scene: the bridge of the starship _Enterprise_] > > Sulu: Object to starboard, Captain. > > Spock: It is the Usenet Oracle. > > Kirk: Mr. Sulu, set a course for it. > > Sulu: [casually flips a few switches, then flips them back and > forth a few times, a bit more frantically] No response > from helm, sir. > > Kirk: Manual override! > > Sulu: [flips a few more switches back and forth] Still nothing, > sir. > > Kirk: Bypass! > > Sulu: [a few more switches] Helm control restored, Captain. > > Chekov: Brilliant, Keptin! You know, the bypass system was > inwented in Russia. > > Spock: The bypass system was designed by engineers at Starfleet > Academy, in San Francisco, Ensign. > > Chekov: Well, Starfleet Academy... > > Kirk: Bridge to Engineering. > > Scott: Engineering. Scott here. > > Kirk: Engage the groveller, Mr. Scott. > > Scott: The groveller wasna designed for our system, sair. She'll > likely overload! > > Kirk: It's a chance we'll have to take, Mr. Scott. Engage! > > Scott: Aye. [trembles and sweats, as he slowly presses the button > on the groveller] > > Groveller: Oracle. [Makes a horrendous buzzing sound. Sparks fly, > and smoke billows out of the groveller.] > > Kirk: "Oracle"? That's it? > > Scott: She overloaded, sair! > > Kirk: How long to repair, Scotty? > > Scott: The database is completely burned out, sair! At least > twenty minutes. > > Kirk: Spock! Sensor readings! > > Spock: The Oracle is showing signs of impatience. Understandable, > since this is the fifty-ninth line, and we have yet to > produce a grovel, or even a question for the Oracle. > > Kirk: We don't have twenty minutes, Scotty! You've got five! > > Scott: Aye, sair. > > Kirk: We may have to come up with a grovel without the machine. > Spock? > > Spock: "Oracle, most logical..." > > McCoy: Blast it, Spock! Not everybody is so hung up on logic as > you are! The Oracle doesn't want to hear about logic! > > Spock: The Oracle is known to be highly intelligent, Doctor. > > McCoy: I rest my case! > > Kirk: Well, so much for Spock's grovel. You got a better idea, > Bones? > > McCoy: How about, "Oracle, most _il_logical"? > > Spock: Doctor, your failure to grasp the simple virtue of logic > never ceases to amaze me. It would be interesting to see > the Oracle incarnated as you; the resulting stream of bad > Oracularities would be most amusing. > > Kirk: Gentlemen, this isn't getting us anywhere. Chekov? > > Chekov: "Oracle, most Russian..." > > Kirk: That's a grovel? > > Chekov: Eet ees a wery high compliment, Keptin! > > Kirk: Scotty! What've you got down there? > > Scott: I replaced the database with items from my quarters, sair. > > Kirk: Good work, Scotty! Engage the groveller! > > Groveller: "Oracle most grand, who could drink a hundred Scotsmen > under the table (or a thousand Irishmen), who has a blue > first-place ribbon under his kilt..." > > Kirk: A blue *what*? > > Scott: Have ya never haird the one 'bout the Scotsman an' the blue > ribbon? > > Spock: A very crude joke, Captain. Undoubtedly, not an appropriate > first impression for a respresentative of the Federation. > It would be most illogical to employ such a grovel for our > meeting with the Oracle. > > McCoy: Now listen here, you pointy-eared Vulcan! Scotty's grovel > may not be based on so-called "universal virtues" like > virtues, but at least it has character-- which is more than > can be said for yours! > > Spock: "&$%@! Oracle" would also have character, Doctor, yet I > would hardly recommend it. > > Kirk: Damn. I can't believe we've come all this way, to be > stopped by a lack of grovelling material! > > Spock: In chess, when one has insufficient material, the game is > over. Checkmate. > > Kirk: Not chess, Mister Spock-- Poker! Lieutenant Uhura, hail > the Oracle! > > Uhura: Hailing frequencies open, sir. > > Kirk: Oracle. This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation > Starship Enterprise. Our mission is one of peace, but we > have the means to defend ourselves, and will use it if > necessary. I warn you not to test us. We have a device > called Corbomite. If anyone or anything attempts to > this vessel, the Corbomite absorbes the energy, and > generates a counter of equal magnitude, destroying the > attacker. [gestures] > > Uhura: Hailing frequencies closed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Corbomite? Feh. The Oracle is all-seeing, and It knows that } there is no such thing as corbomite. } } } } [The Enterprise explodes. The Oracle is not affected.] } } Oracle: Good riddance.