From oracle-request Wed Nov 4 13:00:58 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22338; Wed, 4 Nov 1992 13:00:58 -0500 Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1992 13:00:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #495 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 495 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #495 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1992 13:00:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 495 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 490 40 votes 6cb83 9b992 89d82 5gg30 15de7 5af73 2ee82 44ef3 4ce73 6dc36 490 2.8 mean 2.8 2.6 2.7 2.4 3.5 2.8 2.9 3.2 2.8 2.8 --- 495-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Look: You're doing it again! > > |--- Forwarded mail from The Usenet Oracle > | > | The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question. > | > | Expect an answer in a day or two. > | > |--- End of forwarded message from The Usenet Oracle. > > What's the meaning of this? > > Arrogantly, > Haar d'Vaark. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle is pondering your fate. } } Expect an answer in a day or two. --- 495-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > BEAUTY UND DER BEAST > > Ein grosser Beast mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen hat ein > beautischer Fraulein gekidnappen. Ach! Das Fraulein war homesickisch > mit screamen und wailen. Finalisch, der Beast hat mit der yellen > upfedden und hat die Beauty releasen. > > Was after that gehappenen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well! Ich kann you tellen: } } Soonisch after das Fraulein departen ist, hat der Beast mit yearnen } obergekommen, und er hat die Beauty zu returnen wanten. Das Freulein } hat also deciden, "Beneathen der uglischer Outercoaten hat ein softisch } Heart gethumpen." } } Himmel! Die Beauty ist returnen, und hat der Beast downcasten mit } gloomen Pussen gefunden. Mit quickish rushen hat das Fraulein der Beast } gegrabben, und der Lippenkissen onputten! } } Ach du Lieber! Der kissen hat ein Magickerspelle gebroken, und hat die } Fraulein eine grosse Beastin mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen } bekommen! } } Du owest der Orakel ein bigsten, guten, wunderbaren Story zu tellen. --- 495-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most great and fantabulous Oracle, > Your stories all seem allegorical. > These stories so silly, > Happened they, really? > Or are they devices rhetorical? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant, groveling and teary, } Your annoyances make me quite weary. } My stories are truth -- } Yet, doubt me, in sooth! } A now would be much more cheery! } } You owe the Oracle greater faith and an Italian sonnet. --- 495-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ancient-wisdom-equipped Oracle, > How do I get my girlfriend to stop impersonating Anita Hill? I > mean, the dyed skin and rubber pieces glued to her face and the wig do > make her look kind of cute, and she's got that neat voice just right, > but whenever I try to cuddle her she says I'm harassing her sexually. > Now, I'm sure that the *real* Ms. Hill doesn't act like that, quite, > so what can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) DO NOT hire her as a personal assistant. Whenever she tries to } help you with your work, say "I'm sorry, I don't believe in mixing my } business with my personal life. Let's just keep it a strictly romantic } relationship, OK?" } } 2) No Coke. Pepsi. } } 3) Don't wear your black bathrobe anymore. Bad associations. } } 4) Try to remind her, in subtle ways, that Anita didn't mention } 'rassment to ol' Clarence until some ten years after it all happened. } Maybe then she'll just keep quiet and build up massive resentment while } you cuddle, instead of protesting. } } 5) If, in about ten years, you're being scrutinized for some public } office, and your girlfriend comes out of the woodwork, wig and all, } just remember that, regardless of what you really did, you can just say } that she's clearly suffering from massive paranoid delusions, and } everyone whose opinion really matters will believe YOU. Gotta love } it.. isn't our repressive maldominated society wonderful? } } You owe the Oracle the 1996 President and her husband. --- 495-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I a nerd because I tally my Oracularity ratings on my HP 48SX? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On my list of nerds you are rated as number 3 (tallied on my OR } 27361SXPQY). Number two on the list is a nerd who only interacts with } the world via virtual-reality equipment hooked up to a scanner and some } industrial robots, controlled by a Sinclair ZX81. On top of the list } is myself, of course. } } You owe the Oracle to calculate the lowest prime on your HP. --- 495-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK, I'm in jail, I didn't pass GO, and nobody gave me $200. So what's > next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two possible solutions. } } Conventional: Use your "get out of jail free" card. Or pay your fine } and get out. Or try to roll doubles to get out, and if it doesn't work } pay your fine. } } Oracle's Way: Look disconsolately at the board, then idly stare out } the window. Suddenly leap up shouting "My God! My God!", meanwhile } knocking Monopoly board, cash, houses, and tokens every which way. } Explain to your partners that you saw an axe murderer peering in the } window, and dash to the front door, quickly grabbing a pair of } overshoes from the hall closet as you run before your partners } notice. Race around the side of the house and make footprints } leading up to the window with the overshoes, then throw the } overshoes into the bushes. Smear some mud on the windowsill } and wipe your hands before your partners arrive. When they } do, point out the "evidence" and rush back inside to "phone the } police." The "police" will tell you that yes, an axe murderer } had just escaped from the state mental hospital, but that he } was just caught safely a couple of streets away. No, it won't } be necessary for officers to come by tonight, but a lab tech } will stop by tomorrow to take a cast of the footprints. } } Wipe your brow and say bravely, "Well, shall we try to pick up } the game from where we left off?" Your partners will shake } their heads with admiration, clap you on the shoulders, and } tell you to take a hot bath and a stiff drink and get some sleep. } You're out of Jail and you've impressed the hell out of your } friends to boot. } } You owe the Oracle $45. I just lost a paternity suit... --- 495-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > rm -r Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % } WARNING: The Universe is going down IMMEDIATELY! Please log yourself } off. } % --- 495-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, what are you and Lisa going to dress up as for Halloween? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. We haven't decided, and the Oracle refuses to use Its } Oracular Powers to find out exactly (that sort of thing takes all of } the mystery out of life, you know). But here's our short list: } } 1. J. Danforth and Marilyn Quayle: why not disguise Oracular wisdom and } rampant sexiness with goofiness and frigid primness? } 2. Each other. We have a neat little body-swapping gadget... } 3. Roger and Jessica Rabbit. Lisa would need only a little pinching in } and puffing out for the figure... } 4. Beauty and the Beast (the TV show versions). } 5. George and Barbara Bush: see #1. } 6. Bill and Hillary Clinton: disguise Oracular truth and unabashed } femininity as sliminess and ill-tempered feminist snippiness. } 7. English Canada and Quebec -- Lisa looks good in any kind of sexy } French getup. } 8. Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill -- well, probably not. } 9. Bill Kennedy Smith and Blue Blob Face -- well, it's also a bit } dated. } 10. Rush Limbaugh (two-person suit). --- 495-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come I'm not a lobster yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, Stockdale, I said I'd turn you back into a lobster *after* } the election. You're a little bit too early. Hang in there ... } it'll be over soon. --- 495-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, he that knows what was happening before anything was > happening, the only Oracle that can answer everybody's questions and > still have time to make Lisa happy, please answer this supplicant's > most unimportant question: > > If a deaf man falls in a forest and nobody hears it (except you, of > course), will there be a sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer your question, we're going to visit my good friend, Mr. } Wizard. } } [You find yourself in Mr. Wizard's kitchen. He has a little easel with } a piece of poster board set up. Mr. Wizard is explaining that the list } is what you'll need for the experiment you're about to help him } perform.] } } For today's experiment, we need the following items: } } A deaf man. } A nicely isolated spot in a forest with nice tall trees. } Some rope. } A hardhat. Remember, Safety First. (The Canardian Guardian is a } close friend of Mr. Wizard's.) } } First, we'll take all our equipment out to our isolated forest spot. } Shall we go? } } [You help Mr. Wizard carry the equipment to the truck. There is } already a man sitting in the cab. You squeeze in beside him. Mr. } Wizard introduces you.] } } This is George. He's completely deaf and is going to help us today. } Are we ready? Then let's go! } } [Mr. Wizard peels out of the parking lot. As you race through town, } both you and George cling to one another as Mr. Wizard takes corners at } 40 mph and weaves in and out of traffic. Finally, he pulls into the } national forest and skids to a halt on some loose leaves.] } } Now, what's the experiment? We're here to determine if a deaf man } falling in the forest will make a sound, if there is nobody else around } to hear it. } } To do that, first we must set the deaf man up. Okay, bring him over } here. [You lead the deaf man to a foot high tree stump in the middle of } the forest.] Okay, now we'll put the deaf man on the stump and put the } hard hat on him. After all, if he's going to fall, we need to protect } his head, right? Mr. Wizard doesn't need any lawsuits on his hands. } } Okay, now we'll tie this rope around his waist. [Tie rope around his } waist.] Now, we'll run the rope back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's } pickup. You go on ahead while I tell our subject here we'll be gone } only a moment. [You start back through the trees to Mr. Wizard's } truck. Mr. Wizard catches up only a few moments later.] } } Now. We have to make the deaf man fall. To do that, we simply tie } this end of the rope to the bumper here [Mr. Wizard does some fancy } half-hitches, and the rope is secured to the bumper of the truck], and } then we get in and start the truck. [You both climb into the truck. } Mr. Wizard starts the engine, revs it a few times, then peels out with } a mighty screeching of tires. There is the smell of burning rubber. } He hits the brakes and if you hadn't automatically put on your seat } belts when you climbed in the cab, you both would have decorated the } windshield with imprints of your heads. Mr. Wizard turns off the } engine and climbs out. You follow.] } } I think that the deaf man has fallen. Shall we go see? [You smile and } say yes. You and Mr. Wizard trek back through the forest, following } the rope. You come across the deaf man lying on his back, hardhat still } in place, in a pile of leaves. You and Mr. Wizard help him to stand } up. He's quite pale and shaking visibly for some reason...] } } Fortunately, Mr. Wizard knows sign language. I'll ask him if he heard } anything. [Mr. Wizard begins signing his questions to the man. The } man begins gesticulating wildly, ending with a rather rude gesture that } consists of extending his middle finger at the sky in Mr. Wizard's } direction. Still gesticulating, he throws the hard hat at Mr. Wizard, } rips off the rope and stalks off. You ask Mr. Wizard what the man } said. Mr. Wizard is slightly put out and nervous.] } } Apparently, he didn't hear anything when he fell. But, for some reason } he seemed rather upset. Something to the effect that if he ever saw me } again, he would inflict massive bodily harm to me. He also questioned } my parentage. [Mr. Wizard recovers his aplomb.] Well, there you have } it. We have proved without a doubt that a deaf man falling in the } forest makes no sound. Now, how about trees? We'll need a chainsaw, } 10 to 12 horsepower should be enough. What do you think? } } [The scene fades to the credits as Mr. Wizard is busily planning on } which tree would be the best to cut down.] } } Well, there you have it. Deaf men falling in the woods hear no sounds. } } The Oracle requires you to give Mr. Wizard lessons in how to properly } use a pH meter, and an explanation on why the pH of water is 6, not 7.