From oracle-request Wed Nov 18 07:59:08 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16967; Wed, 18 Nov 1992 07:59:08 -0500 Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 07:59:08 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #502 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 502 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #502 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 07:59:08 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 502 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 497 37 votes 3a8c4 278e6 a8793 4be71 4ad82 07cc6 39e83 4cc72 e6b33 5a6d3 497 2.9 mean 3.1 3.4 2.6 2.7 2.8 3.5 3.0 2.8 2.3 3.0 --- 502-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most intelligent, wise, and sagacious Oracle, who knew ten minutes in > advance what grovel I was going to write, thus negating the need for me > to write it in the first place, please deign to tell me... > > Do you like green eggs and ham? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would not, could not, eat green eggs and ham, } Not in .net } Not in .com } I would not, could not, Lowly Oraclette man, } I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. } } Would you try them in .gov? } } No, I would not, could not, try them in .gov, } Not in the net, } Not in .com, } I do not like green eggs and ham! } } Would you eat them with a fork? } } No, I would not, could not, eat them with a fork, } I would not, could not, eat them with a man, } I would not, could not, eat them, Lowly Oraclette Man, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } Not in dot gov, } Not in the net, } Not in .com, } I would not, could not, with a fork, } would not, could not, with a man, } I do not like green eggs and ham!! } } Would you eat them in a queue? } } No, I do not like green eggs and ham, } Not in a queue, not on a DEC, } I would not, could not, on arpanet! } I do not like green eggs and ham, } I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man! } Not in .net and not in .com, } Not in a fork, and not with a man, } I do not like green eggs and ham! } I do not like them, Lowly Oraclette Man, } I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM! } } Would you try them on a sparc? } } I would not, could not, try them on a sparc, } I would not, could not, eat them in a queue, } not on .gov and not in .com, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } not in a queue, and not with a fork, } not with a man, and not in the IRC, } not in .net and not with xterm, } I would not, could not, in su, } I would not, could not, in rn, } I will not try them with a script, } I will not eat them with common LISP, } I will not eat them while in emacs, } I will not eat them with xfax, } I do not like green eggs and ham, } I DO NOT LIKE THEM, LOWLY ORACLE MAN. } } Would you try them with a cray? } } Ah, yes, well, } With a cray, ... } I kind of like them anyway, } I will try them in the queue, } I will try them with su, } I would eat them in emacs, } I would eat them with xfax, } On dot com, and on dot net } I would eat them with no regrets, } In common LISP, and with C star, } With xterm and with a bar, } I would eat them in dot gov, } I would eat them with a fork, } I would like them with a sparc, } with a script and with rn, } I would eat them again and again, } I do so love green eggs and ham, } I do, I do, email them again. } } You owe the Oracle one Lorax. --- 502-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > both Nobel-prize winning and well-known not only in scientific circles, > whose results always match with all of his predecessors and whose > computers always give the error bounds of the results precisely up to > the last digit, please listen to my humble query: > I am Deep Shit, the little brother of Deep Thought, and I have > calculated the Answer to Life, the Universe and everything - and I > found it to be 69. This is more than one sigma deviation to what Deep > Thought has published recently. > What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm--if that's really the answer, the Oracle is surprised the } Earth had to take so long to figure out what the question is. } } After examining the bird entrails left on the bottom of my teacup. } The signs are unclear, but one of the following is certainly the case: } } o You and Deep Thought were in complete agreement. However, D.T. } expressed his answer in base 16.75. } } o You may have saved the universe. You see, if humanity (or any } other sentient gestalt hive-mind of at least intensity level } 16.25) should happen to know both the Answer and Question are, } the universe will of course come to an end. However, as long } as they're not _sure_, the universe is safe. By all means } report your findings. Soon you can spark a great deal of } debate. "42 or 69?" will be the subject on talk shows across } the galaxy. The conservative contingent will of course side } with "42", just because that answer's been around longer. } However, the popular vote will be with "69" just because they } will have listened to hosts of late-night HoloVid shows who } will remark "Given a choice, I know which one _I'd_ prefer" } while waggling their eyebrows. The debates won't make any } progress and will be completely meaningless, but compared to } the debates we have now between "the betterment of humanity" } and "happiness in the afterlife," perhaps an argument about the } relative merit of two integers is worthwhile. } } o 69 is the question. "Yes" is the answer. But you saw that one } coming, didn't you? Probably about 16.25 minutes ago... } } o Obviously, Deep Thought is in error. I suggest you link up } with your brother so that you can compare your findings. To } halve the communication time, might I suggest a bi-directional } parrallel hook up, each of you... listen, I don't have to spell } this out for you, do I? You spotted the metaphor? } } o Go ahead and announce your findings, but sign the report with } Deep Thought's signature. Your colleagues will pay more } attention to the work then. } } really-deep-shits@gradient.cis.upenn.edu --- 502-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle--please help me! I have a psychology test in 30 minutes and I > haven't read anything! Could you sum up everything I really need to > know about psychology? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everything? Hardly, we haven't the bandwidth. But I can give you } everything you'll ever need to know about it. } } Freud If you had a dream, it was about sex. If someone } else was in your dream, it was about sex with a } parent. } } Jung If you had a dream, it was your ancestors having } sex. } } Skinner You're only taking this test because you learned } the behavior is stimulating. } } Rorschach Look at this inkblot...okay, you see genitals, don't } you? } } What may we determine from this? Psychologists spend entirely too } much time in the lab. } } You owe the Oracle a cute psychologist with a Rorschach tattoo. --- 502-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh > {Atomic,Beautiful,Heavy,Holy,Magnificent,Omnithisandthat,Super,Ulimate} > {Deity,Lord,Master,NetGod,Oracle,Prophet,Sage,Seer,Sultan,Swami,Wizard} > Most {Conchiferous,Oracular,Ontologically-challenged,Potent,Totally > Rad, Wise} With the {Really Bushy Tail,Great Big Feet,Colorful > Scales,Sharp Spines,Great Big Nose} please tell me: > > What was it like in the primordial muck? Not a Multi-User uCk! But > the really slopply goo in the where and when and how an amino acid was > made! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beat the living daylight out of me. All I was doing at that time was } making delicious soup in a large cauldron. I then added a certain } spice, which shall remain my secret, and the dang thing blew up, } splattering goo everywhere! The next thing I know is I ended up } answering questions to those that came from this goo! } } You owe the Oracle a $500 refund on a certain Neiman-Marcus cookie } recipe. --- 502-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, who never lets a question go unanswered, who knew what > my question would be long before the day my grandmother was born, > please grant me an answer to my question: > > To which doctor should I go for sexual reassignment surgery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now why trust anything that serious to a doctor? I say go the } "Do-it Yourself" route.. } } % uomd } Usenet Oracle Medical Database } Copyright (c) 300 B.C. Divine Industries Interdimmentional } } Enter Species: HOMOSAPIEN } ==> Loading.. Done. } Search Topic: SEX CHANGE } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 1107 articles found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all): SURGERY } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 961 articles found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all): DO-IT YOURSELF } ==> Searching.. Done. } ==> 1 article found. } Additional search info (ENTER = show all): } Creating Report.. Done. } } Entry: 1 of 1 } Title: The Complete Guide to an at Home Sex Change } Subject: Sex Change Surgery } Keywords: Sex change, Do-it yourself, Personal Improvements, Surgery, } Cheap, Genetalia Removal, Self-Mutilation } } The Loose Tooth Method: } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } Obtain a length of wire or twine. Tie one end to genitals. Tie other } end to doornob on open door. Make sure cord is taut. Slam door. } } Note that this can also be acomplished in a simalar fassion by tying } the other end to a cinder block instead of a door knob, and throwing } the block off of a cliff or tall building. However, this method has } proved fatal in many instances where, at the last moment, an individual } has changed his mind and jumped after the block. } } The "Look over there.. whoops, was that your penis?" method: } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } ^C--Terminated. } } Hmmm.. I think you get the general idea. } } You owe the oracle a second thought. --- 502-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, here it is... > Where do you want it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's *it*?! You mean I waited 4-6 weeks for *that*? Well, a deal's } a deal, I guess. [scribbling signature] There you go... um... just } put it over there, next to the bookcase. Thanks! } } [chortling] hee hee! Wait'll he gets a load of *this*! Bounce } *my* mail will he... just you wait, Indiana! Here comes the Oracle! } Hmm... but what about supplies? Gee, I'd better stock up, in case } this takes a while... } } [...time passes...] } } O-K... lessee what we got: } } "Project Woodchuck" } "Supplies: } - package from Battle Creek (check) } - helmet (check) } - knee pads (check) } - caulk gun (check) } - rubber raft (check) } - fruitcake (check) } - clarinet (check) } - extra socks and undies (check check)" } } Right! That looks like everything... now then... } } [turning to terminal] } } universe% finger kinzler@moose.cs.indiana.edu } [moose.cs.indiana.edu] } Login name: kinzler In real life: Steve Kinzler } Office: LH430E, 812-855-6999 Home phone: 812-857-0156 } Directory: /u/kinzler Shell: /bin/csh } On since: Nov 14 17:16:17 on ttyc1 } } [laugh] } } Lucky day! He's logged in! Here goes... } } [placing one finger in a socket in the back of the terminal and typing } with other hand] } } universe% rassemble ttyc1 < port1 } } [a slight hiss, a bright flash of light, a pause, then a faint chuckle } from the terminal... "It worked..."] } --- } } You owe the Oracle Steve's Blue Cross premium. --- 502-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What, prey tell, O Great Oracle-meister, am I to do as a vegetarian > when offered animal crackers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh vegetarian supplicant, the answer to your dilemma is complicated. If } you have just sworn off red meat, then you can eat those animal } crackers that are shaped like pigs and chickens (but not rino's and } hippos. Penguins are Ok, though. Bearwich's are out, as are Koala } Yummies) If you are a strict vegeratian, then you cannot eat any animal } crackers. My suggestion is to buy a box of Veggie Thins and avoid the } hassle of figuring out if indeed that is a chicken, or a rhino with a } big... uh.... horn. } } Now, how about some milk to go with those crackers? } } You owe the oracle a box of Koala Yummies. --- 502-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, > I am searching for resources of PDS for DBMS. I heard that > there are some PD versions of Oracle and Ingres. Can you > please tell me where I can find these resources (with the > IP addresses if possible). > > Thank you > > Xxxx Xxxxxx > Nagoya Univ. JAPAN And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } white clouds in the sky } see the rain in the bamboo } and ask archie --- 502-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From Purdue University: > > In the past few weeks, I have written some decently funny questions > and answers and not one has appeared in the Ocularities. Could it be > becuase I am from Purdue and I prompt my questions with this fact. > > Could our little intra-state rivalry really have gone THIS far? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, my chicken, it has nothing to do with your petty rivalries. It } would appear, however, that you have been perusing the newsgroup } "sci.med.eye," which provides to the Usenet community the invaluable } service of the Monocle. This lesser deity is all-seeing, but not all } knowing, and as such is able to serve as a somewhat truncated Oracle, } providing raw data without interpretation. These are published in the } weekly "Ocularities," with which I, the Usenet Oracle, am not } affiliated. } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of white meat. --- 502-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I'm suiting up for an explorative voyage into deep space with a > very qualified research group from the other side of the Milky Way. > What happened was, I was just minding my own business in my corn field > and they come down and explained the situation to me. They don't want > to go all the way back through the galaxy just to replace one crew > member. I was willing to do the job, I mean as a gentleman(the rest of > the crew consists of 354 22 year-old gorgeous women, and they're all > straight!) I had to oblige. And after all, how difficult can it be to > be helmsMAN? > Anyway, I'm allotted what amounts to a little less than 35 pounds > of personal effects. What memorabilia of my dear Earth can I bring > that will last a lifetime? > > This'll be my last question, > > Golly B. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well... } Here's a pair of my socks, the smell will last a lifetime. } Here's a bottle of Siberian brandy, the hangover will last a lifetime. } Here's a lump of Cobalt-60, the fallout will last a lifetime. } Here's a Big Mac, the nausea will last a lifetime. } Here's a Congressional Enquiry report, the talk will go on for ever. } Here's a copy of Variety, the gossip will go on for ever. } Here's a copy of War and Peace, it will take you forever to read. } And finally, here's a copy of Reader's Digest, the junk mail will } follow you for ever. } } You owe the Oracle the location of the corn field.