From oracle-request Sat Feb 6 08:47:05 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03018; Sat, 6 Feb 1993 08:47:05 -0500 Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1993 08:47:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #529 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 529 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #529 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1993 08:47:05 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 529 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 524 44 votes 68ad7 37h98 89i81 5df92 6he70 18ie3 3eg92 55ka4 8hg30 5fg62 524 2.8 mean 3.2 3.3 2.7 2.8 2.5 3.2 2.8 3.1 2.3 2.7 --- 529-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % man woodchuck And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 0% of men are woodchucks. } } You might be the first, however, asking such a foolish question without } so much as the most perfunctory grovel. } } You owe the Oracle a reasonable UN*X command, a grovel, AND an apology. --- 529-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it so windy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you are falling towards the earth at a speed of around } 200 meters/second, and your speed is increasing. Don't worry } though. You are just over 400 meters away from the ground, } so the wind should be stopping in about two seconds or so. } } You owe the Oracle a parachuting lesson. --- 529-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the umpteenth power, who is worthy of eating the green cheese > on the moon, please tell me > > When my ship comes in which will it resemble most,a yacht or a garbage > scowl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because of you were cloned from Alexander Magnus' cells scraped off his } sword's hilt, it will resemble most a ship in a bottle. } } You owe the Oracle a fistful of Yen. --- 529-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pleaze, Mr Oracle! > > Enlighten me, what are the Saint ates which are united in America? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the middle part of the fourteenth century, in France, an extremely } pious bricklayer by the name of Jacques Ate had a heavenly vision. The } Virgin Mary appeared to him and instructed him to build roads } connecting all parts of France with the site of the Cathedral du Notre } Dame in Paris. He genuflected humbly, and said: "But Holy Lady, I am } but one man..." She replied, "As you build each road, I will send you } help." } } And so, Jacques began his life's work, building the monstrous network } of roads that came to bear his name: the Vie Ates. Furthermore, the } words of the Lady rang true; in each town or village his roads } encoutered, he found men and boys who were willing to help him. His } faith and piety were such that they shone around him, and changed them } irrevocably -- to the point that they all soon resembled him in face } and figure. } } When their work was done, they gathered at Paris, where the Archbishop } came and blessed their work. Turning to Jacques, he said: "Well, my } son, you have labored hard these many years, and fulfilled the Holy } Lady's instructions. What will you do now?" } } And with one voice, Jacques and his followers turned their faces to the } heavens and thundered: "WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!" } } And the sun shone upon them, and they were blessed. } } Here endeth the lesson. } } You owe the Oracle a catechism, and a glass of orange juice. --- 529-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oH, mOst iNdifferent oRacle, wHose oNly cOncern dUring tHe eNd oF tHe > uNiverse wOuld bE tHat hE nEeds dArker sHades, wHose wArdrobe iS mOst > sPiffy iN a eXtremely tUbular sOrt oF wAy, wHo nOt oNly kNew tHe aNswer > tO lIfe tHe uNiverse, aNd eVerything bEfore tHe aBacus wAs iNvented, > bUt kNew tHe qUestion, aNd kNew tHat iT wAs tHe wRong qUestion tO bEgin > wIth, i hUmbly cRawl fOrward tO bEg oF yOu aN aNswer tO mY mOst > iNsignificant qUestion. > > wHo iS tHis gOd pErson aNyways? > > _/|/| And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear SeEkEr: } } While it is noble of you to so abase yourself before me, this Oracle } certainly hopes you do not seriously believe your question to be an } insignificant one. Men have been asking themselves this question since } time immemorial. Your Oracle interface either has a lot of static or } you were bored when you asked this question. We both know which one it } was. The former, of course. (The questions do not always flow through } the keyboard.) *Wink* } } Luckily I am on pretty good terms with the Big Man, Himself. (After } the Plunking Me in Indiana Incident, we managed to patch things up, } being the only two Omniscient Beings upon the planet, we can relate } better to one another than most.) } } A few things I can tell you about the Dude. } } --He is bigger than you, badder than you, and knows more. He can lick } you in any contest. } --He has a really dark streak to Him. Although he is Omniscient, He } goes into giggle fits over Jerry Lewis' antics, which just goes to } show there are some Divine Mysteries not even I can fathom. } --He loves you. I do too. When you know everything, it is a tough } sentiment to avoid. Being Omnipotent gives you another unusual } perspective in that, yes indeed, both Me and Him seek to outdo the } other in terms of darkness of shades come judgment day. You cannot } feel the love we feel for you, since you are doomed to die. } --He is a sexist. That is why He gave men those ridiculous looking } things in the middle of their bellies. (Though I am rather fond of } my own.) He does expect you, however, to keep it sheathed at all } times save when proper. (If you don't know when that is, read His } Book on etiquette. Both JPS and Oxford University publish reasonable } translations.) } --He doesn't play by the Rules. No getting around it. He made evil. } Bosnia couldn't occur without His tacit nod. Power is morality, } though, so don't call Him a hypocrite. You're liable to get that } Big Zot when you die. } --He drives a Corvette. God loves America. } --He speaks in a French accent. He is an absolute corndog, you } realize? } --He can have any of your womanfolk He pleases. (Divinity hath Its } privileges. *Sly grin*) } --He lives incognito in a Honduran condo. You'll never pick Him out, } since His disguise is Perfect. You might spot His next door } neighbor, Saint Pete, though, who wears a fake mustache and a } hairweave. } --He does not like Broccoli. I do. Go figure. } } That's a pretty good broad picture of the Dude. If you want any more } specifics either ask me, consult the Good Book, consult a Hare Krishna, } or take a look at the newspaper headlines. He is Omni-presnt, so it } doesn't much matter where you look, if you have eyes to see. } } You owe the Oracle a new lens prescription. --- 529-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose IQ, if written down on paper, would weigh more > than a pound of feathers, > > I am translating the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam to AmerEnglish, > for the benefit of the modern reader. > > Where Fitzgerald's Fifth Edition has: > > The moving finger writes, and having writ, > moves on. Not all your piety nor wit > can lure it back to cancel half a line, > nor all your tears wash out a word of it > > my Modern Edition has: > > God's keyboard got no BackSpace. > > Leaving aside for the moment all questions of poetic merit, > I ask you, great Oracle, to please inform this unworthy mortal > whether it is in fact true that God's keyboard got no BackSpace. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } IT's true, LaFOU. Life has no rehearsals and in heaven there's no } ... --- 529-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise who is wiser even than the most wise Oracle, > in a recursive sort of a way, please tell the humble supplicant > > If Indiana wants me so badly, why can't I go back there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Hm,' thinks the Oracle. 'Thinks he can shortcut on his songs of praise } with this recursion bullshit, does he? Must be a first-year CS student. } They think recursion solves everything.' } } Lisa leans over and looks at the display. "Honestly, Orrie, you really } should clean this thing occasionally. It's _still_ got honey all over } it. And is that a question or a mustard smear?" } } The Oracle sighs. "I should make the supplicant look like a mustard } smear... or... hm. Maybe..." } } } } <"Wh... where am I?"> } } } } } } ...and reappears in front of his terminal, gasping and sweating. A } voice thunders through the air, appearing as if from everywhere. } "BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT AS STUPID AS ROBERT IRSAY, YOU MORON!" } } You owe the Oracle a full-colour glossy photo of Marge Schott doing the } nasty with George Steinbrenner and four shaved poodles in Times Sq... } hell, anywhere. It's a repulsive thought anyway and I'm in a generous } mood. --- 529-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose omicience knows no theoretical > limits, this unworthy supplicant begs that you have mercy on my > tortured soul and relieve me of the burden of this question that has > kept my process stuck in a busy-wait state for days... > > It was written within the .signature of one somewhat wiser than my > lowly self that : > > "In theory, there is no difference between theory and > practice, but in practice there is." > > But I wonder why this is so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In theory the difference between practice and theory is due to } practical considerations that theorists find it impractical to fit into } their theories. } } In practice, theory uses the practice of theorising about practical } matters, while not noticing that the theoretical method practically } distorts the theory beyond application to practice. } } Theoretically then the practical facts are that the theory is in } practice good for predicting what happens in theory, but impractical as } a theory with direct implications for practice, except where theory } states that the practice is sufficiently close to the theory to make } any difference for all practical purposes theoreticaly zero. } } In practice this does not happen very often. } } You may go, supplicant. --- 529-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't crush that dwarf! Hand me the pliers! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodman Feeblebrook, the 7th level Mage, removes the +5 Holy Pliers } of St. Christopher from the protective box with awe and reverence. } Wordlessly, he hands the artifact to Artemis Strongarm, the 9th level } Ranger. } "Hurry up!" shouts the Dwarf, Gimli Oakenleg, the party's 6th level } Fighter/Thief. His voice is muffled, due to the fact that his head is } currently being crushed between two rocks that are part of a pressure- } plate trap the Dwarf had been attempting to disarm. } "Okay," snaps Artemis. "I've never done this before, you know..." } "Just clamp those things over the release nut and turn it counter- } clockwise," the Dwarf returns. "And do it QUICKLY!" } "Right." Artemis clamps the pliers down on the nut and pushes on } the artifact with all of his 18(56) strength. Somewhere in the } distance, the sound of a plastic dodecahedron can be heard. With a } loud grunt, the Ranger successfully turns the screw through one-and-a- } half rotations. } "YOU DID IT!" exclaims Feeblebrook. "Boy Gimli, I'll bet you have } a headache the size of-- uh oh." Feeblebrook's premature celebration } is cut short by the sight that greets him when he turns to greet his } Dwarven companion. "Oh, YUCK! I guess we should have remembered that } clocks run the other way in the Dwarven Lands..." } Artemis grimly examines the remains of the Fighter/Thief, then } calmly turns to address the audience. "Is there a Cleric in the } house?" } } You owe the Oracle 500 gold pieces and a Ring of Water Breathing. --- 529-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do the buttons on the cuffs > of my shirt always come off no matter how tight I sew > them on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep your hands out of the paper-shredder from now on, and they'll be } fine.