From oracle-request Fri Mar 12 00:10:41 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22159; Fri, 12 Mar 1993 00:10:41 -0500 Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 00:10:41 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #544 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 544 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #544 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 00:10:41 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 544 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 539 52 votes 6lj60 7eh86 5lf74 2ckd5 dfe82 0akg6 08il5 9gf84 2coc2 0jp71 539 2.9 mean 2.5 2.8 2.7 3.1 2.4 3.3 3.4 2.7 3.0 2.8 --- 544-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle, > > How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? > > (Oh, and I know about the wind & all that, I mean specifically how > many?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have clearly missed the point. Everything you need to answer the } question is right there before your eyes, if you will but look. } } Consider: } } The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. } The answer is blowing in the wind. } } Now, there are four winds, and "wind" occurs twice ==> 8 } There are fifty ways to leave your lover ==> 50 } Three rings for the elven kings ==> 3 } Ooops, wait, that's part of the wrong answer, sorry ==> -3 } Omnia Gallia est divisa in partas tres ==> 3 } And it's no, no, a thousand times no, } I'd rather see my life's blood spillin' } I'll sing anything, even "God save the king," } But I won't sing any Bob Dylan. ==> -1000 } ==== } TOTAL: -939 } } Hmm, that can't be right. Where did I go wrong? } (Checks notes, recalculates, scratches head.) } Oh, I see! The solution is very elegant. Assume: } } A = the number of roads a man must walk down before you can call him a } man. B = the number of seas a white dove must sail before she sleeps in } the sand. C = the number of times cannonballs must a-fly before they're } forever banned. } } The key insight here is that THE SAME ANSWER applies to all three } quantities. Therefore, A + B + C = W, the answer in the wind. } } W = 8, as above. There are seven seas, so B = 7. Cannonballs are } completely obsolete, and no longer used in warfare, so C = 0. Thus: } } A + 7 + 0 = 8 } } A, the number of roads a man must walk down, is 1. It just happens to } be a very long one. Proof (from fractal geometry) of the impossibility } of ever finishing this task is left as an exercise to the reader. } } You owe The Oracle another Sinead O'Connor dartboard. The old one's } just about had it. --- 544-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a Tandon 486/25 SLII that I intend placing on it's side rather > than it's base. I am pretty sure that this is ok, but what does the > collective intelligence think of this? The computer is on loan so I > want to be absolutely instead of just pretty. > > IBM used to explicitly suggest it to their PC owners to the extent that > if you look at the IBM label on the early PC's it was possible to turn > it round through 90 degrees so that you could still read it erect (the > logo, not you). I bet that bit into the profit margins. > > Putting it on it's side has the advantage that it makes it a lot > quieter which is good, and particularly important to one regular user. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you truly wish to be absolutely rather than just pretty, I recommend } you stop washing with yoghurt and use 98% ethanol instead. Yoghurt is } very good for being pretty, but to be absolutely requires alcohol. } } As far as your computer goes, putting it on it's side will not damage } it, so long as you turn it very slowly and gently, in order to allow } the small colony of gnomes who have taken up residence inside your } harddisk to adjust to their new environment. } } Rotating your machine too quickly could lead to data loss when those } gnomes who are more prone to seasickness might throw up over your boot } sector. You should also take care not to drop the machine in the } process of rotating it, else one or two particularly adventurous gnomes } might get wedged under the read/write heads and cause a crash on next } boot up. } } Accidents like these are the major cause of hardware disk faults, data } corruption and gnome death in this country. Take care that it doesn't } happen to you, and don't die of ignorance. } } You owe the Oracle a 424Mb SCSI disk with 10ms max seek time. --- 544-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HOW MANY WORDS ARE THERE IN THE OXFORD DICTIONARY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a common misconception that there are words in a dictionary. } There are only meta-words, or words used as words rather than words used } for their meanings. Of course, there are word-words on the title page, } but you don't mean them. There are also words used in the definitions, } but they are not meta-words or word-words. Instead, they are } meta-meaning words, or words used for the meaning of their meanings, } rather than used for their meanings. So the answer to your question is } none. --- 544-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-powerful Oracle, who could *ZOT* all the network corporate scum > at will, please answer your poor supplicant's query: > > How come garbage like Babylon 5, Time Trax, and Journey to the Center > of the Earth came to be aired? Do they have no mercy? Could you see to > it that we are not subjected to such tortue in the future? Oh and while > you're at it please make Star Trek's Alexander die a horrible death. > (s) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there's little we can do to the CEOs, other than... well, heck, } let's give it a try. I'll just dial up the Supreme Being... } } [ring] } [ring] } } God: Hello? } Me: It's me, Sir, the Oracle. A supplicant called today with a neat } idea. } God: Indeed! What was it? } Me: He seems to want network programmers to produce *good* science } fiction. } God: Impossible! I tried that years ago with high school teachers. } Not a chance. } Me: That's what I thought. Just figured I'd check... Thanks, anyway. } God: No problem. } } Sorry! Impossible, you heard Him. Try turning to FOX, though. That } Bundy chick is mighty hot. } } You owe the Oracle the original tapes of Lost In Space. --- 544-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called back, > and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make a > motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thom, don't worry about it. I've looked into the matter, and, being an } omnipotent being, have rectified the situation. The DNA from me won't } match up. As a matter of fact, the only person whose DNA _will_ match } up is her lawyer. Funny how that works. Bring that up at the next } meeting. } } You owe the Oracle a judicial precedent for suing God, plus a way of } collecting damages. --- 544-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is worth spending money on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle Enterprises Product list: } } ITEM DESCRIPTION } Oracular Persuit Board game identical to Trivial Persuit } ($60) except participants must grovel before } asking questions and give answers in an } arrogant, superior tone. } } "A Question of Anxiety" - } ($40) The official biography of the Usenet } Oracle's turbulent and often explosive } relationship with his supplicants. } } "Simply Orrie-sistable" - } ($15) Lisa's Rock album, featuring great songs like } "Def, Dumb and Blonde", "Stand by Your Ram", } "Hit Me with Your Best Zot", and many more... } } Oracle Statuette Solid platinum. You can worship it, you can } ($500) ask it questions, you can hit burglars over } the head with it. } } Chrono-Oracle Wrist watch; gives hrs/minutes in binary } ($50) } (Attention : Adults only) } Inflatable Lisa Lifesize! (deep breath.. blow, blow, blow) } ($10,000) Wow! It even does felatio! } } (Childrens item) } Kid-o-zot Mini water-squirting replica Zot gun } ($5) --- 544-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, why does thou have no questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hath no questions for thou art too clueless to answer, forsooth. --- 544-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > eee-gads! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } gee-WHIZ!!!!!!! --- 544-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called back, > and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make a > motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is a loving being, and it should be known to those who would } criticize my actions that, even though I am omnipotent, I have needs. } } The Oracle is a responsible being, for I know the wisdom of the } ancients says that responsibility for your actions is a part of being } great. } } The Oracle is also a generous being, and is, in fact, wealthy enough } to support numerous children without even noticing a difference in } his bank books. } } The Oracle, is, however, not to be challenged by any mere mortal. Have } my snipers drop her, and bring me the kid. } } You never got this letter, understand? } } The Oracle demands payment of one weeks' retainer fees. Now, go, and } carry forth my orders. --- 544-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A thousand pardons, boss, but a bunch of the other acolytes and I were > bowing and scraping and answering w**dch*ck questions and we got to > discussing all the great press the Branch Davidians are getting. We > who joyously labor for Thou (scrape, grovel) never get interviewed on > CNN. Shoot, you won't even let us supplicants, while the guys > working for David Koresh get rocket launchers, explosives, assault > weapons, front page press, fame glory and all that. We only have our > (humble) cubicles, terminals, cold pizza, flat Jolt, blue furry coffee > in promotional mugs, and w**dch*ck questions. > I'm gonna quit my job and go work for David Koresh and the Branch > Davidians. Forgive me O Oracle. (grovel, snivel, scrape, whine, yowl.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, STOP GROVELLING!! I am so sick of 'Oh Oracle this' and 'I'm not } worthy'. I'm sick of it! } } Ok, let's compare me and Davy the wonder godlet over there: } } Davy has a Messiah complex. I however have a Messiah complex with B } supplement and protein enhancers, a far superior mix even you will } agree. Let's face it, why trade in the real thing for a fake? } } Next, CNN is interested in Davy now, but after that they'll go and } interview a group who believes Hillary Clinton is the second coming of } Elizabeth the first, and Davy's summer camp will be forgotton except } for a brief blurb in an end of the year retrospective. Do you REALLY } want to be remembered as one of the Wackos from Waco? Didn't think so. } } Third, I give you fresh Jolt! The problem is you open a bottle and } then quite erroneously 'let it breathe' for an hour or so. OF COURSE } IT'S FLAT! Davy, the New God on the Block, will be happy to give you } his special flavor of Kool-Ade (tm). I hear it's to die for. } } Now, if you really feel you get such a raw deal here with me, freeing } me from the burden of Woodchuck questions, the meaning of the universe } question, the null question, etc and allowing me to go on to more } interesting ones like calculating the megatonnage it would take to wipe } the smirk of President Clinton's face, fine. Your contract } specifically states that you may leave at any time, as long as you } agree not to reveal Oracular trade secrets. } } Now if you excuse me, I have some questions regarding the First Cat's } preference in kitty litter to dash off. } } You owe the Oracle your final decision before the end of the day.