From oracle-request Fri Mar 19 08:57:59 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA20909; Fri, 19 Mar 1993 08:57:59 -0500 Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1993 08:57:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #548 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 548 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #548 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1993 08:57:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 548 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 543 48 votes 73aia 6edc3 04bmb 15jf8 7gi52 a8ga4 5dbb8 33fbg 39p83 5jd92 543 3.1 mean 3.4 2.8 3.8 3.5 2.6 2.8 3.1 3.7 3.0 2.7 --- 548-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Message: > What does > > 6lj60 7eh86 5lf74 2ckd5 dfe82 0akg6 08il5 9gf84 2coc2 0jp71 > > mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You obviously have lost your Captain Video Secret Spy Decoder Ring } (free in every box of Oat Toasties). When decoded, it reads: } } stopf oolin garou ndwit hcomp uters andge tarea ljobl uvmom } } You owe the oracle 5 box-tops. --- 548-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello Mr Oracle, how are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By sheer force of will. } } You owe the Oracle the Gordian Knot and an X-Men comic book. --- 548-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle, > > Why me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ** The Universal Lottery ** } } Oracle: our wheel is spinning and in a few moments our numbered balls } will come down the chute identifying the only being in the universe to } experience the previously generated sequence of life events. Are they } good? Are they bad? It's what you make of them, but they are unique. } And here they are rolling -- 7, 13, 5, 29, 21, 2A, 3F, 0010, 3E4, QZZ. } Now let's check the universe census, the number sequence just drawn } belongs to...to.... } } The Current Supplicant! Aren't you amazed? } } You owe the oracle the look on your face. --- 548-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose great nose hairs I am not worthy to pluck, > and whose meta-jokes about Fermat's theorem are truly marvellous > but unfortunately the bandwidth is too small to write them here, > > What is the smallest Fermat triple? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The smallest Fermat triple occurred in 1939 when Fermat was still } with the Cubs. The relief pitcher Cantor for the Mets threw the } ball, Fermat bunted, and the fun began. As Fermat headed for first } base, both Cantor and Leibniz (who was catching that day) went for } the ball and collided. Fermat was on his way to second by the time } Cantor and Leibniz separated big from small and made the throw to } first. } } First baseman Fibonacci threw to Goedel at second just after Fermat } tagged and ran for third. Goedel at that moment leaped out of the } noraml sequence and threw to home plate, leaving Fermat's great run } incomplete and Fermat himself fuming at third for not being able to } complete the great square. } } You owe the Oracle a complete list of even-numbered primes. --- 548-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true as it is said, that USA is going down, like > i-cannot-say-what in the closet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The United States of America is God's Own Country, just like the } Republicans said. God, however, is in a bit of a snit lately, mostly } over Leviticus. If you want America to recover, the first thing to do } is get shellfish banned... } } Alternately, America could change allegiances. If y'all just came out } and ADMITTED you'd rather hang out with Satan, rather than trying to } find something in the New Testament about how murder is OK if it's } dropped from real high up in the sky, the Horned One would cut you in } on some terrific fringe benefits. Smiting your enemies with pox, } marking infants, smearing your body with ointment made from unbaptized } children and flying around-- not to mention the odd visit from } succubi! (Or incubi, if you prefer. Satan's open minded. REAL open } minded.) } } Failing that, you could get out of the whole Judeo-Christian thing } completely. France, for instance, has spent the decades since World } War Two worshiping Jerry Lewis and the cult of annoying NATO. } Germany never stopped worshipping tremendous steins of beer, although } they do have an agreement with one of the grimmer Valhallans that any } German telling a joke that does not refer to dung is immediately } deported to Poland. The former Soviet Union was real big on blue } jeans and Moody Blues albums. The Serbs just linked up with Crog, the } ancient Serbo-Croatian god of Extreme Violence over Territory the Size } of Postage Stamps. } } Do NOT try to get America to worship *me*; I prefer my cultists to be, } if not actually educated, at least *educable*. The last thing I need } is to have to listen to prayers from an orange-haired woman on an } overstuffed couch in a trailer park in between her mouthfuls of Kraft } Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hot dogs mixed in it. } } You owe the Oracle a current address for Loviatar. --- 548-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please ZOT me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, ho! Must be a case of zotophilia, or possibly even } a zotomaniac! Why certainly, my dear, the Oracle would } be more than happy to be of service. I hope you enjoy } this as much as I do. } } (I'll just start with a little slow forezotting to get } you in the mood:) } } ................. } ........................... } ......................... } } } (Now I'll vary the rhythm a little:) } } ................... } .......... } } (Now I'll increase the intensity:) } } ................... } } (Now, while you think the tension is unbearable:) } } zzzz ooo } zzzz zzzz ooo ooo } } zzzz zzzz } zzzz } } (And finally:) } } <<< ZZZZZZZZ OOO TTTTTTTT >>> } <<< ZZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZ OO OO TT >>> } <<< ZZZZZZZZ OOO TT >>> --- 548-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love coffee, I love tea, > I love the Oracle, and he loves me, > Coffee and tea, The Oracle and me, > Together we can be so very happy. > > Oracle, > > Will you marry me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Biscuit, coffee, tea and milk, } Take the spoon and let it sink. } Chocolate, coffee, milk and tea, } Drop it all into the sea. } Munchies, biscuits and coca cola } We'll both go to Bola-Bola. } Potatoes, coffee, milk and chips, } I love you at 3000 MIPS. } Sprite, tea, coffee and milk, } I will dress for you in silk. } Biscuit, munchies, milk and wine, } From now on you will be mine. } Apple, milk and chocolate white, } I will marry you by night! } } You owe the oracle another pack of condoms. --- 548-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and omniscient oracle, here's the thing: > > Several weeks ago I parked my small car around the corner from my > apartment in front of this shoe repair store. Now, mind you this was > at about 7 AM and I planned to move the car by 9. > > Long about 8 or so, I look out my window, just to be sure my car has > not suddenly fallen through a wormhole, and what do I see but this big > ol' blue Buick parked right behind my car, and eight feet of skid marks > on the road. This bum had pushed my car forward so he could have his > spot! > > Knowing that the car belonged to the owner of the store, I approached > him about his heinous motoring behavior. > > After first conceding that he did, in fact, push my car, I asked him to > give me his registration and insurance number in case I wished to file > a complaint. > > He then suddenly began denying that he had made any such admission of > guilt, insisting that I should know better than to park in HIS spot. > (Mind you, there was, and still is no sign which marks the spot as > reserved or private.) > > He told me I could go and "Bang your head against a wall", and then > proceeded to threaten me with police action if I did not immediately > leave his premises. So, I did. > > What I want to know, O mighty and wise oracle, is how I can best seek > my revenge on this man and his car without anyone connecting me with > the deed and without making the act one of blatant destruction or > vandalism. Subtlety and guile are the key here. > > Bless me, O oracle, with thy wisdom! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, pathetic mortal, perhaps you were off sniffing the } luminiferous ether when you should have been reading my compendious } tome "Rituals of Human Territoriality". Perhaps you, too, are going to } give me the excuse that you don't read the mukluk dialect of } proto-urbanian in which it's written! } I suggest you refer to the case history titled, "The uncanny } habit of playing chicken with parked cars". Oh, don't bother. Here, I } think I have a spell which should work for this situation in the } Transcendental Encyclopedia of Stupid Human Tricks. . . } Yes, referring to page 333 of the Improvised Standard Version, I } find that you will require the following ingredients to cast an } irremedial curse on your dire enemy: } } 1 (one) Standard issue mobile fireplug. } 1 (one) can hi-gloss yellow paint. } 1 (one) cooperative Traffic Patrolman. } 1 (one) donut shop, within view of your enemy's establishment. } } Instructions: Sit in the donut shop awaiting the inevitable } convergence of the following two events-- } 1) Blue buick is parked in front of store. } 2) Traffic patrolman parks his fanny on a stool near your } station in the donut shop. } } This is the sign that you should remove the fireplug from your } transdimensional pocket, and place it on the sidewalk near the Blue } Buick. Apply a liberal coat of yellow paint to the adjoining curb. } Return to donut shop, smile at Traffic Patrolman, and lead him to Blue } Buick, chanting the mystic formula, "Remember your quota. Remember } your quota." } If you have performed your part of the spell correctly, the } traffic patrolman will inscribe a mystic curse which he will place upon } the Blue Buick. The effect of the curse will be the conjuration of a } dire beast called The City Towing Vehicle, which will promptly cause the } Blue Buick to disappear into the gaping maw of the City Impound Lot. } WARNING: The spell has an unpredictable duration. It is } possible that within a few days, the Blue Buick will be back in the } neighborhood. The good news is, you can repeat the spell until your } thirst for vengence is satisfied. It rarely fails. } } You owe the Oracle a paint job for our Blue Buick, and a Boston Creme } filled donut. --- 548-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are Borg. > Usenet is irrelevant. > Oracle is irrelevant. > ZOT!ting is futile. > Prepare to be assimilated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are the Borg. } People say we're borging around. } We're the new generation, } We're going to suck the life from your town. } } We're not trying to be friendly, } We want to enslave your race, } Resistance is futile, } We've got metal all in our face. } } Hey, hey, we're the Borg! } We're going to triumph over all! } We fly around in a Rubik's Cube, } And we're getting cancelled next fall! } } We're all getting cancelled next fall! Everybody! } We're all getting cancelled next fall! Even the Pontiac guy! } We're all getting cancelled next fall! Roddenberry's dead, we're outta } plots! We're all getting cancelled next fallllllll! } } This and other marvelous songs can be heard on the brand new album from } Geffen records, "Star Trek: The We-Think-We-Can-Sing Generation." Don't } miss such sparkling gems as: } "Bad Moon Rising," by Marina Sirtis } "Do the Jean-Luc Stomp," by Gates McFadden and Ozzy Osbourne } "Hold On, I'm Coming," a soulful, peppy remake of the Junior } Walker and the All-Stars song by Patrick Stewart. } And best of all, ol' yellow-eyes, Brent Spiner with a remake of } the tasty pop confection, "99 Luftballons." } } Order now, I am standing by. You don't have to call a number, I already } know if you want the album, and I'm sending it right now. You owe the } Oracle a real sci-fi TV show such as Babylon 5. Now scram, kid, ya } bother me. --- 548-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Message: > Oh great and wise one. Please answer my plea. I have recently been > unable to get excited over watching my favourite shows, such as Star > Trek, Red Dward, Cheers, STTNG and LA law. Instead, I have found > myself drawn to watching Bass Master and the Home Shopping channel. > Oh wise one, what is wrong with me, what is happening to my life. > Save me!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good news and bad news. } } Bad news -- The Nielson company has selected you and about a thousand } other households for their new "psycho-ratings laboratory program" } wherein they use the latest mind control technology to both tabulate } and tweak reactions of participants to television programs in a } controlled scientific laboratortype atmosphere. Nothing is left to } chance. } } Good news -- You will win a landmark suit against Nielson to the tune } of 4M. } } Bad news -- You and the other participants will suffer for the rest of } your lives from severe neurological. You will be known as "vidiots", } quivering uncontrollably until you have your hourly dose of paid } commercial television, "Donoghue", and NBC News at 11:00. } } You owe the Oracle 2% of your settlement as a finder's fee.