From oracle-request Wed Apr 7 16:40:08 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14310; Wed, 7 Apr 1993 16:40:08 -0500 Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 16:40:08 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #553 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 553 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #553 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 16:40:08 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 553 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 548 49 votes 5bea9 98gc4 5hj71 27jd8 5cl56 4eka1 4akc3 15kf8 46fea 2ni33 548 3.0 mean 3.1 2.9 2.6 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.0 3.5 3.4 2.6 --- 553-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and glorious Oracle, whose knowledge is unsurpassed, whose > wisdom is boundless, and whose patience is inexhaustable, > > Are computers a fad, or are they going to catch on? I'd hate to buy > one just to have it end up next to my 8-track player and quad decoder. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may not know it, but that 8-track and quad decoder are *not* } obsolete! They are actually part of a brilliantly masterminded plot } by a group of marketing people who are trying to increase their } profitability. } } You see, back in 1953 a brilliant scientist named Erno Wisenthorp } developed a machine that would convince people to buy lots of stuff } they didn't need. Unfortunately, the "Erno-trope" was complex, } expensive, and had to be used in close proximity to the victim. } } The guys from marketing saw the profit potential, but realized they } would never get people to buy the machine. So they developed a } cunning scheme, whereby they broke the Erno-trope down into } several 'harmless' parts that the consumer would buy. They then } sold these, and almost immediately introduced another product that } would make the original one obsolete. They knew that the } consumers would never throw away an useless, yet expensive piece } of electronics, but would instead keep it around. When all of the } pieces were brought together, the victim would have happily } purchased a fully functional Erno-trope. } } Over the years they sold several pieces to the Erno-trope in the } form of the 8-track tape, the betavision, the linear tracking } turntable, and the 2400 baud modem. Each piece was purchased with } pride by the consumer, then put on the shelf to collect dust. The } most recent of these has been the personal computer. } } They only have two more pieces of the original Erno-trope left to } distribute, and then it's show time! } } So go ahead, buy that computer. Then you won't ever have to worry } about 'fads' and instant obsolescence ever again. } } You owe The Oracle a Partrige Family 8-track tape and an 8088 } motherboard. --- 553-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, Whose pronouns and possessive adjectives > are even in capitals upon the great Stone Tablet of Life, and Whose > intelligence awes even such emotionless zombie husks such that I > inhabit-- Thank You for Your awesome advice on my love life (such that > it is), and thanks to You I am prepared to go out and live life, etc., > etc. But a new problem has arisen. Due to extenuating circumstances > (Spring Break and a huge blizzard) I have not seen that guy who You > said wants me for about over a week and a half now. Do You think he'll > still remember me? Or am I clinging to a false hope? > Please have patience with this little mortal. I get anxious when a > possible relationship is concerned. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mortal, the desire held for you by the one you speak of has not waned } due to the parting. } Erm.... } ....How can I put this?.... } ....(she has to know sometime).... } ....Ermm.... } Mortal, the one you speak of was killed in a car accident two days ago. } But do not mourn, for his love for you was stronger when he died, and } his immortal soul holds a candle for you on high. When you hear the } in the trees there his voice is, telling you not to be unhappy. } Telling you to find a new love so that your life can be complete. } ....(*Phew!* that should do it).... } } By the way, have you tried Dateline? --- 553-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose IQ, if counted out in straws, would break any > camel's back, but if counted out in hay, would make a stack large > enough to hide a needle through whose eye a camel could pass, > > I need help with my latest novel. I have come to a point where I do > not know what should happen next. Here it is: > > "Here I am", said Igor. "I brought the brains." > > "Good", said Viktor as he deftly inserted them. > "Now all we need is some lightning". > > "Allow me", said Igor, as he sat down at his terminal and typed, > mailx uunet!moose.cs.indiana.edu!oracle > Subject: tellme > Dear Oracle, whose feet stink like frog farts, > How m*ch w**d would a w**dch*ck ch*ck if a w**dch*ck > could ch*ck w**d? > Yours truly, Chas. Woods > Igor hit control-D and leaned back. > > +-------------------------------------------------+ > | | > |ZOT!> | > | [++ . +++ ++] | > | [ ^^^ ^^^ ] | > | | | | > | | | | | > | | | | > | | | | > | | | | > | | | | | > | /////////////////////////////////////////| > | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| > | | | > | | _____ _____ _____ | > | | | | | | | | | | | | > | |-|-| |-|-| |-|-| | > | | ===== ===== ===== | > | | | > | | | > +-------------------------------------------------+ > > Thousands of lightning bolts struck the castle, and their > energies were channeled by lightning rods into the recumbent > figure upon the dais. > > There was a moment of silence, and then the figure stirred. > > O Oracle, please help me. What happens next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, the humble supplicant, have asked me what happens next in your } novel. I, the mighty oracle, shall now reply... } } There was a moment of silence, and then the figure stirred. } With a noise like the sound of a thousand rabbits groaning, the mighty } golem raised its ungainly bulk off the rough-hewn table upon which it } lay. With a ponderous movement it turned its rather unnatractive head } from side to side as it peered around the dim, dusty and cluttered lab. } } "Frankie baby," it exclaimed, "you gotta get me OUT of here!" } The mighty monster began to pace back and forth across the lab. } "How could they do this to me?" it muttered. "What am I doing here? } Shelly's monster gets to be in a famous Gothic novel. Post-grad } literature theses, the lot! Even the MGM deal was beter than this... } on some crummy computer network? I mean, what is this shit? Usenet? } What the hell is that? Usenet?" } Igor and Viktor watched aghast as the ungainly figure pulled a mobile } phone out of it's pocket. } "Monster!" demanded Viktor in a commanding tone. "What are you doing?" } "Relax Frankie, just relax" tossed off the monster. "I'm calling my } agent is all. So cool it, right? This was never in no contract, so } don't try to pull anything on me." } The monster turned to speak into his phone. } "Oracle? What crap are you talking about? Oracle Shmoracle! I don't do } no oracle!" } Suddenly this scene was interrupted by a heavy banging on the sturdy } oaken doors that secured Viktor Frankenstein's lab. } A vast rumbling and banging came from outside.... the villagers had } come, waving torches, armed with pitchforks and shotguns, to wipe the } unnatural monster of the face of the earth. } "It taint be natural, squire", said the leader of the mob to the } Doctor. "We w what be down in the village, we don't t'ink much of what } you be doing up here. } T'e old mill stream been run dry since you startet wit your } expery-mints up 'ere at t'e old Keep." } "Aye, and our cow's milk all be dried up" interjected one shrivelled } old crone. } Another rustic ruddy-faced villager stepped forward. } "Aye, and it was said not but that two, _two_ mark ye, calfs were } birthed down on the common only last night, and both of them had two } heads apiece! What be ye saying to that!" } The wailing of the trees reached down to them. It hovered about with } claws, waiting to catch what it could. Only dark rustlings, the leaves, } branches whipping through the disturbed night. } Everyone turned their faces to the cold night air, alive with the } sudden realisation that evil hovered only seconds away. } The monster gave an inarticulate roar. It turned away, lumbered into } the lowering night. The flaming torches semed much dimmer now, seemed } to flicker on the verge of going out. The villagers looked around. Who, } now, was brave enough to follow the monster into the night? Instead } they turned their torches to the ancient wooden beams of the old keep, } to burn away the unnaturalness, destroy the womb of the twisted bastard } offspring, the progeny of the doctor's demented lust for immorality. } Viktor and Igor perished in the fire. --- 553-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose alliterative powers have tabloid writers in paroxysms > of jealousy, and whose least action compares only to the Genesis in > magnificence, please answer your humble supplicant this unworthy > question. > > Why do mail messages <>, as opposed to going @SPLAT@ or > BOINGG? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } your alliterative powers, like your IQ, seem to be zero, } and your greatest action compares only to the Atari 2600 in resolution, } } Munged mail bounces back, futile pings splatter. } Witless walls scramble screens, fulfilled talks chatter. } Finger finds you, near or far you, } No matter who you rwho. } Deadly demons of the data's dark, internet internals, } Babbling backbones wasting bandwidth bark, anonymous inferno. --- 553-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle : > tell me how we (Informatic Departament of > my University (where i work)) can obtain more funds ($$$) to buy more > worstations , more Hard Disks and other stuff that we can't right now > because we had almost $0000. > Truly yours > a humble suplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One of the quickest and easiest ways to make money that i know of } is to turn your department into a crack house. who cares if it's } against the law, whose going to find out? --- 553-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who thought of the name Apple?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Adam. --- 553-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, help me out of this predicament: > > Being the shy and modest person that I am, I could not get the guts up > to ask a girl to a prom. So of course, some desperate girl asks me to > the prom. I went with her two years ago and do not particularly desire > to go with her again. > > But, of course, when she asked if I would like to go to the prom with > her, the word "yes" sprang out of my mouth. Now what do I do? I'd > like to ask someone else, but how do I go about letting the other girl > down without mentally affecting her for the rest of her life... > > Do you have a disappearing spell, or maybe I will be lucky and you have > a custom made spell just for these sorts of problems? Help!! > > Awaiting your response. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (What am I, Dear Abby with a copy of the Necronomicon? Hmnph.) } } You actually have TWO problems: you need to get out of your } committment to take this woman (henceforth referred to as "your girl") } to the Prom, and you need to salvage your karma. Currently, for } leading the poor thing on, you run a dire risk of being reincarnated } as a woefully unattractive woman with terminal personality deficit. } } Here are some possibilities. Pick the one you prefer and chant its } title six hundred and sixty-six times, and I'll teleport the } appropriate grimore to you. } } Alter Gender Identity: Turns your girl into a lesbian. She may still } hold you to the date if she doesn't want to come out of the closet. } } Alter Sexual Characteristics: Turns your girl into a fellow. The new } he probably won't shag you more than a few times before the anger } dissipates. } } Bigby's Lewd but Dextrous Hand: If you can maintain this one for long } enough, your girl will be too exhausted to go out on Prom night. } } Create Zombie: I checked with Miss Manners: zombies cannot (politely) } hold you to prior social commitments. } } Doom of Anne Rice: Causes your girl to become obsessed with vampires. } Do not cast this one if you are, in fact, a vampire. } } Earwigs of Doom: Effective, but disgusting to watch. } } Fandango on Core: Scribbles all over your girl's brain. Pretty much } guarantees you'll reincarnate as a computer geek *again*. } } Fireball: Zorch the minx. Of course, you'll reincarnate as a moth in } a candle factory a few thousand times. } } Flight: Take her out to a field, have a confederate fire a magnesium } flare into the sky, and then fly straight up screaming. Come back the } next day and talk to her in a monotone without blinking. Few women } want to go out with a guy who's had his brain replaced by aliens. } } Grape Ape Rape: Do *not* drop the wand when you cast this one. } } Human to Dog: Zap yourself and drool all over her; she should cancel } the date. If she doesn't, I want videotapes of the resulting action. } } Love Philtre: Drink this in her presence, and you won't mind the prom } at all. Makes for some ugly kids later, though. } } Pessary of Grue: This spell has only been cast once, on the floor of } the Imperial Arena during the reign of Caligula. Never before or } since have so many people vomited simultaneously. } } Quabalah Aquae Mortis: Fills victim's lungs with Manishevitz. } } Summon Incubus: Infernally beautiful demon appears and sodomizes } caster to death. Extreme, but guaranteed to fix your karma. } } You owe the Oracle a spellbook that weighs less than 25 pounds. --- 553-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most dandy, tell me, where in the world is this "meta-key" to > be found? Help me, because I've been given only a week to learn emacs > or lose my job!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some keyboards do not have a meta key. Sun SPARCstations have two, } marked with diamond-shaped glyphs, one on either side of the space bar. } Some terminals and workstation keyboards have a key marked "META." } One can always press and release the Escape [ESC] key before pressing } the key one wants the "meta" of. } } But why don't all keyboards have a meta key? Simple: it's dangerous. } If certain undocumented Unix daemons are running, pressing the meta key } can cause the user to metamorphose. The metamorphosis is not always } unpleasant -- Cindy Crawford, before her fame, was a 45-year-old woman } named Belinda Klotz, a remarkably ugly person who worked as a data } entry operator in an electronic sweatshop in Mobile, Alabama. One } morning, before she'd had her coffee, she accidentally hit the meta key } on her clunky old terminal, and she instantly metamorphosed into who } she is today. She established her new identity and quickly rose to } fame and wealth. On the other hand, Melvin Grobnik was a graduate } student in electrical engineering at Purdue until last year, when } pressing meta at the wrong time changed him into Valerie Scheide, a } 93-year-old woman suffering from senile dementia and urinary } incontinence. A professor at the Swedish Institute of Computer Science } has gone from graybearded old fart to bosomy blonde fashion model, } hordes of undergraduates at Penn State have become small marsupials, } and a Siamese cat belonging to a young woman turned into a saltwater } crocodile and ate her. You can understand the dangers. } } The Oracle always knows when to use the Escape key instead of meta, } of course. --- 553-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blubblubblub. Eck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That'll teach you to drive and drive, Senator Kennedy. --- 553-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle who is so great as to be able to ... oh what the h*ll, get > your grovels elsewhere! > > Where does the Easter Bunny spend the rest of the year (ie. when it > isn't easter)? And how does ONE bunny hide ALL those eggs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For reason's of national security I can not reveal where the Easter } Bunny spends the rest of the year. Rest assured that she is *very* } comfortable, and that it costs the tax payers a lot of money. } } In answer to your other query, she doesn't. The act of hiding ALL } those eggs is a family thing. Prior to Easter, the Easter Bunny } does what comes naturally, and soon has a veritable army of Easter } Bunny-etts. This mass of cuddly fur then runs around furiously } hiding eggs. Upon completion of their sole purpose in life, they } happily donate themselves to the United States Armed Forces, where } they are fed to the Marine Recruits under the code name "Corned } Beef". } } You owe The Oracle the ears off your chocolate bunny.