From oracle-request Mon Apr 26 08:06:53 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22633; Mon, 26 Apr 1993 08:06:53 -0500 Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1993 08:06:53 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #558 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 558 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #558 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1993 08:06:53 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 558 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 553 48 votes 16sb2 4ne70 3acf8 29he6 fec52 1ddd8 45aib 15w73 69abc 1ana4 553 3.1 mean 3.1 2.5 3.3 3.3 2.3 3.3 3.6 3.1 3.3 3.1 --- 558-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle omniscient! > O Oracle omnipresent! > O Oracle omnibenevolent! > O Oracle "Omni" subscriber! > > It is You who Enlighten us! > It is You who are always With us! > It is You who are always Nice to us, except when we Really Deserve It! > It is you who gets to hang out with Lisa! > > You can understand a Question in any language! > You can withstand the onslaught of W*******k Questions and stay Sane! > You can zot supplicants at a whim, and not have to feel guilty about it! > You can make a rock so big you can't lift it, but know better! > > You make Thor look like a 98 pound weakling! > You make Einstein look like a kindergartener! > You make Freud look like a Oedipal lunatic! > You make Michaelangelo look like a white-belt! > > Sorry to take up your time, I don't have a question. I just > thought you could use some good grovelling. > > -A. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for the wonderful grovel. My head is so swelled, I broke into } song. } } Oracle: I am the Oracle of the net. } I know everything, you bet! } Whose praises all the netlings sing, } With grovels all the net doth ring. } } And Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Yes, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet! } } Oracle: When at Olympus I abide, } My head doth swell with pride. } I snap my fingers at the Woodchuck lot, } And give each supplicant a Zot! } } 'Cause Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Wow, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet. } } Oracle: But, when Thor's horn doth blow, } I generally go below, } To see what a mess my sayings bring, } And deny that I ever said anything, } } Still, Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: And, Lisa is his goddess, yes his priestess and his goddess - } and his pet!! } } Chorus: For he is Olympian! } } Oracle: Yes I myself have said it, } And it's greatly to my credit, } That I am Olympian. } } Chorus: Yes, he is Olympian. } } Lisa: For he might have lived in Taj Mahal, } Or resided in old Valhalla, } Or perhaps a Druid's grove. } } Chorus: Yes, perhaps a Druid's grove! } } Oracle: But in spite of all temptation, } To dominate other nations, } I remain Olympian! } } Chorus: He remains Olym-m-m-m-pian! } } You owe the Oracle an Oscar for best song. --- 558-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh marvelous Oracle of unlimited beauty and perception, how can > I karak my shigwabner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, how doest thou swage me, } Let me count the walp. } Odun-thee klarts the vest plajue, } Dua-tee shrooms my blomje! } Tray the dnar!jbtine cukpeb, } Quat-te jgwdst hst burg dodnt. } } However, thou shouldst never NEVER karak thine shigwabner, } or I won't let thee hold my hubshif at the next bazoomba. --- 558-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh all seeing super meta hyper oracle! > Please tell me what will happen to me this evening And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This evening will be one of the most depressing nights of your life. On } returning home from your place of business you will find the house } empty. The kitchen sink will be overflowing with cockroaches, and the } neighbour's dog will somehow have got in and raided your fridge, } leaving only the pumpkin. A sudden storm will reveal new holes in your } roof. A fly-by by a showoff F-18 pilot will break all your windows. At } 8.30 pm, after you have just sat down to eat your boiled pumpkin dinner } (and picked out all the dog hairs) the DEA will raid you. You will be } forced to lie face down on the floor, where you will find further } evidence of the neighbour's dog right under your left shoulder. } Handcuffed, you will be led out into the street, where everyone will } watch as you are thrown in the back of a police car and taken to the } station. Even that cute girl from across the street that you want to } meet comes out to watch. She has a guy with her - must be her } boyfriend. } The officer in charge will have a bad case of piles and evil breath - } he will lock you up in a small cell with 3 drunks and 2 graffiti } artists, after typing his report at about 3 words per minute. You will } be hit with rubber hoses, since the cops are really annoyed that you } didn't have any drugs. You will be unable to sleep, because if you do } you will not be able to dodge the vomit, or avoid being drawn on. When } you are released, 3 hours later, your lawyer will tell you that he } won't help you sue because "they were only doing their job." When you } arrive home you find that burglars have gotten in through the broken } windows and stolen every appliance you own. The dog also came back in } your absence, and ate the pumpkin. Every credit and MAC card missing, } you go hungry. Finally, at about 5:30am you get to sleep. At 6:00am a } truck driver parks outside your house and lets go with the airhorns. At } 6:10am, local kids steal a car (yours) and perform burnouts and donuts } outside your window for a couple of hours. } Then the alarm goes off, and it's back to work again. } } The above fate can be avoided. Send $10,000 in unmarked bills to The } Oracle. --- 558-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Forgive me for disturbing your busy busy schedule, but my weak mind is > reeling in unknowing perpetuity. Grant me your good will and answer me > this question, O Most Knowing and Really Impressive One: > Why do I keep biting my damn lip in the same place over and over? Will > it ever heal? Will I ever be able to drink Orange Juice again? > > O heed my call, and pity my nothingness... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your subconscious mind has caused this phenomenon because of a deep } rooted feeling of guilt for a past deed for which you are ashamed. Look } deep into yourself and confess your guilt to free your subconscious. } Perhaps you once were unkind to a stranger, or you told half truths to } your parents. Maybe you held unpure thoughts about member of the } opposite sex, or you feel guilty for the self-gratification that you so } often perform. (Yes, The Oracle knows all about that one) } } Once you have discovered your past deed, sing My Ding-A-Ling 3 times } while standing naked in a field of corn while holding a jar of fresh } pickles to purify yourself. } } Then, you will heal, and be able to drink orange juice again. } } Your nothingness is indeed pitied. You must throw away those magazines } under your bed. --- 558-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O oracle most wise, > What is this I see before my eyes? > It looks of silver, > And of gold, > Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You nasty boy, I know your kind, } Release that thing, or you'll go blind. } Meet a girl and get a date, } Then you'll know it was not your fate, } To sit at home and masturbate. } } You owe the Oracle a peanut butter and KY-jelly sandwich. --- 558-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Howard Stern so damn popular in the cs lab? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite the lack of a suitable grovel, or any grovel for that matter, } the Oracle is compelled to answer. Mostly because Lisa is getting } ready for a night out and I wasn't invited (sigh). } } Howard Stern is very popular across CS labs across the land mostly } because you CS guys NEED A LIFE. And Howie (yes, feel free to call him } "Howie") is popular because he is capable of showing you that there are } things in life that you won't find by running Debug under DOS. I mean } really... You've probably figured out that pizza is pretty good and } you may have even heard of Led Zeppelin. But, if I catch one more of } you urinating in a cup and stuffing it in a desk drawer because you're } too busy to savor life, I swear I'll ZOT the whole lot of you. Howard } Stern HAS a life. Not one I'd want, but that is beside the point. } Take a quick survey. Has anyone in your CS lab seen the sun lately? } Or even the moon? Incandescent lighting? } } In a rare fit of compassion, The Oracale authorizes you to actually } take 40 hours of the 1,000 that you have accumulated in vacation time. } } In return, you owe the Oracle a topo map of Yellowstone and a 300 word } essay on what all those squiggly lines mean. --- 558-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Majestic and Glorious Oracle, please help me in my pitiful need. > > Every night for the last week I've been plagued by a recurring dream. > Slowly I drift off to sleep, then sometime during the night the > dream begins. > > "Honey," she says softly breathing in my ear, "Orrie dear, get up. > Its Lisa. I need you." > > "Huh?" I answer sleepily. "OUCH! Hey, watch what you're doing with > that spatula!" > > Lisa giggles monstrously. "Hurry dear, hurry, hurry, hurry! Run > pumpkin run!" > > I find myself running with abandon round and round the bedroom with > Lisa chasing, teasing, and giggling behind, swiping at me with sharp > cat claws. > > "Do as I do, do as I do, do as I do." She shouts rapidly. > > "Oh my God!" I shout as she contorts herself lasciviously in ways no > human body should. Mercilessly compelled to follow I am twisted > accordingly. > > "Quick, get the lipstick and Vaseline. Get it, get it, get it my > sweet baby." Lisa swoons, groaning and rolling on the floor, her eyes > jealously watching my every move. "Take the lipstick, there you are > tiger, do the lipstick baby, do it, do it, do it...Ohhhhhhh. No, on > the mirror dear. Do it on the mirror. The MIRROR!" > > "That's disgusting!" I shout. I run from the room in terror, and am > chased out of the house and through the neighborhood by vicious hounds > with gruesome, twisted, blood-red faces of Lisa snapping at my feet. > > I awaken in a sweat, horrified, my bed in a shambles. Help me Oracle. > What must I do to free myself of this recurring nightmare. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please deposit $5.99 for the first minute, and $2.00 } for each additional minute ... --- 558-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All mighty Oracle, whose code always compiles without any bugs, and > who's programs are always fully optimized, please help you humble > supplicant. > > I am working on a program, and have run into trouble. I am attempting > to port X Windows to a Turing machine, but my code won't compile. Can > you tell me the proper technique for coding Turing machines? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 100110110100010010111001101111010111010110100110101111 --- 558-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Up against the wall, Orrie! It's the Revolution at long last! > > You're part of the problem, not part of the solution, and from now > on I'm giving you the answers! > > The answer to your multi-part question is: > > a. Lisa > > b. cumquats > > c. 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 > > Now, You owe ME ( for a change ) a subway series. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, scum-sucking simian miscreant, the Oracle does not give in to } such idle threats. Who do you think you are that you can ask such } things? What kind of woman would it take to get me to give in? What } kinds of fruits would she have to be bearing? How many? Obviously you } have no idea. } } You owe the Oracle some subservience while I revel in smug } self-satisfaction. --- 558-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lord of wisdom, magnificent and all-supreme Oracle, I have a question: > > Really quit (y/n)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } y } Are you completely sure (y/n)? } y } 100% certain you're not just kidding (y/n)? } y } Are you prepared to sign a legaly binding statement to that } effect (y/n)? } y } In your own blood (y/n)? } y } And in triplicate (y/n)? } y } What's the matter, this program not good enough for you (y/n)? } n } Ah, so now it all comes out! You think you can just waltz in, } use my code and just walk right out again without so much as } an explanation (y/n)? } y } Hmmph! You're not worth my time anyway. Good ridance! } } CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING THE COMPUTER-AIDED SELF ASSERTION } AND DECISION MAKING COURSE.