From oracle-request Thu Apr 29 18:09:50 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00772; Thu, 29 Apr 1993 18:09:50 -0500 Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1993 18:09:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #559 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 559 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #559 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1993 18:09:50 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 559 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 554 45 votes 1ega4 39daa 1abk3 4cch0 3cm44 17dk4 09hd6 17q74 2id57 1bjc2 554 3.1 mean 3.0 3.3 3.3 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.4 3.1 2.9 3.1 --- 559-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Master of Knowledge, lord of wisdom, Oh Oracle great, please answer > quickly! > > Which wire do I cut, the red one, the black one, or this yellow one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't matter which one you cut, your dryer is out of control. } } Call the National Guard instead. } } Amateurs. --- 559-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the filesystem full? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ask why the filesystem is full. To find the answer, it is necessary } to examine what is on all of the disks on your system. } } File Type Size } ------------------------------- } System 200Mb } Swap 100Mb } NetNews 450Mb } Mail 30Mb } GIFs/JPGs 350Mb } Games 100Mb } Applications 169.9Mb } Work 100 Kb } ------------- } Total 1.4 Gb } Filesystem size 1.4 Gb } ------------- } Space remaining 0 bytes } } From this, it is obvious that what is clogging your file system } is work. Remove all work-related files from your system and you } will have plenty of space. } } You owe the Oracle a 10 Gb disk array --- 559-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O'Omnisuperfantaenormous Hyper-Knowledge-owning Oracle, I have but > one humble question: > > If something oral comes from the mouth, > and something anal comes from the anus, > and you're the oracle, > is the anacle then your sister? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha Ha Ha. The Oracle has not laughed so hard in centuries. } } Foolish supplicant, Trix are for kids. } } WHOOPS, sorry, went away there for a moment. } } Foolish supplicant, the Anacle is actually the ancient god } Uranus. } } You owe me a Klingon battle cruiser. --- 559-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When do we have to evacuate Earth?*** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you're still there? --- 559-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me about Spam. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In 1942, the U.S. government asked Hormel to develop a meat } product that G.I.'s on the front lines could eat, but Hormel } invented SPAM. Shocked by the number of soldiers who survived } and returned to civilian life, Hormel began selling SPAM } domestically in 1946. } } SPAM is very versatile. You can grill a SPAM slice and a cheese } slice on a wheat bread slice to make a delicious meal, or you } can put SPAM chunks on crackers to make horse d'ouvres. } } Few people know this, but SPAM is actually an acronym for Meat } that has been Diced Enough that You Can't Tell Where it Came } From so that You Don't Mind Eating It. I bet you didn't know } that! } } In recent years, Hormel has added many new SPAM products to } accompany "Classic SPAM:" } } SPAM Spread: Ground up (again) SPAM that makes an } excellent spackle. } } SPAM Lite and Low-Salt SPAM: For people who watch their } health but still want to eat enough phosphates that they } glow in the dark. } } Cherry SPAM: Instead of that gross clear gelatin, this SPAM } is packaged in Cherry JELL-O. Yum yum! } } So eat all the SPAM you can! I won't mind one less supplicant! } } ................................................................ } SPAM is a trademark of Hormel Meats. JELL-O is a trademark of } Bill Cosby. --- 559-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you feet smell > If so how much! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is most difficult to quantify olfactant stimuli, but the Oracle } will attempt to put it into terms that your fetishistic mind will be } able to comprehend. First of all, "smell" is a pejorative term, you } need to be open to the possibility that some people may enjoy the } tantalizing aroma of fresh feet; for some the sight of someone walking } around without shoes, in their socks, is tantamount to seeing them in } their birthday suit. For others the thought of taking off someones } shoes and caressing their toes is nothing less than orgasmic a } veritable foot frenzy....Yes the Oracles feet smell-so much in fact } that you would not be able to even begin to comprehend. You owe the } Oracle a weeks supply of dirty socks and a chance to lick between your } shapely toes! Signed - a happy footlocker employee. --- 559-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, the master of knowledge and wisdom, answer me this: > > The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Out came the > spider and wiped the planet out. Two days later, life began again, > when Captain Kirk used the genesis device, to power setting 10. > (Then came the Borg, and assimilated them.) > > Did the woodchucks survive, or are Borg now busilly visiting > planets with lots of forest land, eagerly chucking wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bit of wisdom. Jack asked } a woodchuck question, and Jill was killed, and the Oracle said, "Rats! } Missed him." } (So he had to answer a silly question instead.) } } In fact, the universe was blessed three times in rapid succession. } First, the woodchucks were assimilated, and nobody asked about them } again. Next, all of the Post Grape Nuts (tm) were assimilated, so } nobody ate them again. Finally, the Borg shut down completely trying } to figure out what in hell Post Grape Nuts (tm) were. } } Of course, we knew something like that was destined to happen as soon } as we saw the premeire episode of "Deep Space 9:" } } Cisco: But the nutty goodness is exactly what makes it so wholesome. } } Glowing Voice of the Wormhole: This is not cereal! } } A tear-stained Cisco: No, it is not cereal. } } You owe the Oracle Captain Kirk with Crunchberries. --- 559-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have great problems understanding why I keep asking the Oracle > questions. Please tell me.*** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, dear supplicant, in order for us to understand your motivation, } we will have to review the questions that you have asked over the } years. However, since your foolish questions are not worthy of } reprint, we will only review the answers that I have given you in the } past. Also, I like Jeapordy. } } #Qa00001 (Aug, 1989) } You unworthy fool! Here I am, offering MY valuable time to answer } questions, and the first one I get is trivial! Do not invoke my wrath } again with such nonsense. By the way, it's the second door on the } right. } } #Qa00002 (Aug, 1989) } Sigh. There should be some extra rolls under the sink. } } #Qa00067 (Sep, 1989) } Channel 5, at 6:30. Could you do me the favor of at least making an } _attempt_ to ask questions of a more cosmic scale. } } #Qa01123 (Jan, 1990) } It means- to do more than is required, ordered or expected. It's from } the latin supererogare (to spend more). It is what you're _not_ doing } with your groveling, I might add. } } #Qa05514 (Nov, 1990) } That really isn't any of your business, you know. Let's just say that } Lisa is, well, enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. } } #Qa09632 (May, 1991) } Nice grovel! Unfortunately, it is not possible for me to quantify it, } because woodchucks _don't_ chuck wood. } } #Qa14523 (Dec, 1991) } My guess is that she's really sick and tired of getting baskets of } fruit, particularly since she had the last of her teeth extracted 12 } years ago. Why don't you give her a decent pillow this year. The one } that they issued her at the home is pretty ratty. By the way, this is } the last Christmas you'll be spending together. } } #Qa19020 (Apr, 1992) } How long have you been using a UNIX system? Presuming you have the C } Shell, you can try this- } foreach f ( *.foo ) } set base=`basename $f .foo` } mv $f $base.bar } end } } #Qa19021 (Apr, 1992) } How on earth did you manage that! You truly are a woefully inadaquate } person. Try this- } rm /server/home/suplicant/data/-i } } #Qa21901 (Nov, 1992) } You can't figure this one out on your own? I'm afraid that George will } be taking this one on the chin. It's nice to be a deity- at least I } get some respect. } } #Qa24676 (Mar, 1993) } No, it wasn't named after David Bowie. It was named after _James_ } Bowie, who was born in 1790, and died in 1836. He used it primarily } for hunting. Why do you care? } } #Qa25343 (Apr, 1993) } Simple. Because I answer them. } } By the way, you still owe the Oracle a bidet, your ex-girlfriends phone } number, a BETA(tm) copy of FLASHDANCE, a woodchuck cage, a simulated } wood grain tea kettle, a listing of USL's source code, a big box of } super balls, and a vote cast for me as President. By the way, I'm } sending that crate of 8 track tapes back to you, freight collect. I } never asked for them, you idiot. --- 559-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does horseradish have to do with horses? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See page 146. } } What does horsepower have to do with horses? } } See page 39. } } What does horseplay have to do with horses? } } See page 103. } } What does a horse-and-buggy have to do with a horsefly? } } See page 212. } } What do hors d'oeuvres have to do with whores? } } See page 69. } } _Horsetics_, the modern guide to dealing with all those confusing } horse-like words. Not just art or advice, _Horsetics_ is the } definitive work of horsology. Live in fear no longer. Live in } doubt no longer. Live in the confidence of knowing when, who, how } and why to deal with any facet of horsology. _Horsetics_ is } available now from Oracular bookstores for only $19.95! } } You owe the Oracle L. Ron Hubbard's head on a platter. --- 559-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I am one of your most devoted followers, and always read the > Oracularities closely. After reading several references to time > machines, I decided to try to build my own. > > I knew from the Oracularities that it should be fueled by peanut > butter and that it must include a Kludgitron. Whatever that is. > > I was stuck for a while until I remembered the Questions about the > missing socks; then I cobbled something together with an old Hammond > organ, a jar of peanut butter, some coat hangers, > and the clothes dryer. > > Now I have a time machine, and it works. > Just one little problem. > > I wanted a machine that would let me travel through time, not a > machine that *makes* time; not even an excellent machine, as I have > in fact made, that manufactures quality time. > > Well, two little problems, actually. > I can't figure out how to turn it off -- I can't kill time. > It keeps producing more and more of the stuff, and now I've got > too much time on my hands; they're wrinkled, with liver spots. > > I've filled every jar and jug in the house, and even the bathtub; > I thought about flushing it, but I don't want to waste time. > > Therefore, I must ask you, > > O great Oracle, whose timeless eloquence gets me every time, > what shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've done very well, Supplicant. The only mistake you made was in } not installing a svortner rod as a damper, which would allow you to } pass time more efficiently. However, given what you've got, I'd } suggest passing on the extra time to the government; they're always } claiming that's all they need.