From oracle-request Wed May 19 13:27:52 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14306; Wed, 19 May 1993 13:27:52 -0500 Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 13:27:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #562 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 562 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #562 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 13:27:52 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 562 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 557 51 votes jn531 ajh41 2hhd2 cmd40 27lab 4djb4 18lh4 39eg9 45ffc 28pc4 557 2.9 mean 1.9 2.4 2.9 2.2 3.4 3.0 3.3 3.4 3.5 3.2 --- 562-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise and Magnificent, I have but a simple question: > > Why is it that nobody understands? > > [Priest note: .sig deleted to protect the supplicant's non-disclaimered > company (see #3 below). Name available on request accompanied by > cheque] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS } } 10) Your vocal cords are moonlighting as vertebral ligaments. } } 9) Your teeth have been epoxied together. Perhaps you should stop } teasing your lover about her cooking. } } 8) Few have ever considered rabbits in quite that light. } } 7) Get a scalpel and bone saw and reset DIP switch 0x9a67b56f-- your } brain is using two stop bits, where you should only be using one. } } 6) You are, in fact, the *only* person in America whose personality is } dominated by your relationship with Brussel-sprout soda. } } 5) Too much technobabble. The question "How much do you love me?" } should not be answered "Like a garbage collection routine loves } hearing a reference-count decrement to zero." } } 4) Your high-school French sucks. } } 3) People rarely read the manual, especially the parts that say "The } body of the mail should contain only your question." } } 2) You are, for the most part, addressing cretins. } } 1) Gradual but inevitebla temay ov uiy ped taen rmol, uiy taessu daan } ri war iyr hita ivrad. --- 562-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, its me God, no time to elaborate, just get here now > and bring Lisa with you. > They're closing in!!! The woodchuck has landed!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *CLICK* } } "Thank you for calling the Oracle! Our staff is waiting to forward } your call. Press 1 for answers about woodchucks, 2 for why postal } workers wig out, 3 for forecasts of the body count in Bosnia, 4 for why } idiots blame white men for all of society's problems, or hold the line } to leave a message." } } PAUSE } } "Thank you for choosing to leave a message with the Oracle. Please } wait for the sound of the ZOT to leave a message." } } ZOT --- 562-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is known as the font of all wisdom > pray answer a question for me. > > "What is the story behind the Black hole of Calcutta" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom known as Calcutta, there } lived a Little Black Hole. } } The Little Black Hole was very sad because he wanted to be in the } Oracularities, but he had too much gravity to be funny. } } So, the Little Black Hole went to a physicist and asked, } "Please, Mister Physicist, why do I have too much gravity?" } } And the physicist said "Too much Mass." } } After hearing this, the Little Black Hole didn't go to church for a } month; but he didn't get any funnier. } } So, the Little Black Hole wrote to the Oracle, which he should have } done in the first place, and asked, "O Oracle so sublime, } I have too much gravity to be funny. Please help me." } } And the Oracle wrote back, "Come to Olympus and accrete my Garbage } for a year, and I will help you." } } So, the Little Black Hole did just that; at the end of the year, the } Oracle transported him to a Universe of antimatter! } } Now, instead of gravity, the Little Black Hole had lots of levity, } and every Question or Answer he wrote was chosen for the } Oracularities; and the Little Black Hole lived happily ever after. } } You owe the Oracle a whoopee cushion, a genuine Minsky. --- 562-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan "JonMon" Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle > > I am feeling very lonely. Will you sit with me for a while and hold > my hand. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Awwwww. There, there, don't be sad. Here. Here's the Oracle's hand to } hold on to. That'll make you feel better. } } /-------\ } / ----/-------\ } -/ --------< } --------< } -\ -------< } \--------------/ } } OK? } } Um, I knt typ 'n unn hnb. Giv it bk to mi ok? 'uppliknt? 'UPPLIKNT?? } I gotto git mi hnb bk. *OT.... *OT..... OOOOOooooooo U lyin no goob } littl 'uppliknt. I'll git you. I'll git you goob. Giv it bk nou. } Nou, nou, nou. Oh *hit. Hmmm. Oh--I kno. Mouph. Git mi mouph. OK. } Minu/Util.. Ho ho ho, 'upplikn't , tyk thith: } ---------------------------------- } | File | Edit | Utilities | Help | } ---------------------------------- } | Woodchuck-B-Gone | } | 42 | } |#ZOT#####|\#######| } | Crash In| \net | } ----------| \------ } ===== } \\ } (The now-familiar sound of an Oracular >>ZOT<< resounds across the } Internet. The Hand of the Oracle is quickly restored to it's rightful } owner.) } } Ha! That'll teach you! (And that'll teach me, too--I guess these GUIs } _are_ good for something, after all!) You, supplicant, are lonely for a } good reason: you're a deceitful little creep. From now on, you may not } have the hand of the Oracle, but if you're not careful, you may get the } finger from him! } } You owe the Oracle a pen computer. --- 562-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wondrous Oracle, light of all Incomprehensible Oracle, whose > civilization, hear our plea. stinking big intellect makes me > We are a dual personality trap- feel like my part of the brain is > ped in a single brain. We argue something the cat dragged in, do > constantly, except when we are you know what it's like being stuck > not talking to each other. My with that prissy pile of dirt over > other half is so impolite and there? The only thing I can agree > disreputable, even immoral, that with him on is divorce. The sooner > I'm ashamed to be in the same the quicker. You're probably no > skull with him. I wish I didn't better than he is, for that matter. > have to be so critical of him, Anyway, tell us how to get out of > but it's hard to be nice when this prison. He's making my life > the other guy is so bad. Can miserable, always complaining about > you give us advice about how to my ideas. Says I'm immoral. Makes > get out of this sad situation? me sick. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle supplicant, I would suggest | Look, you idiot, I think it's } trying to convince your other half | obvious that your companion is } to seek some professional guidance. | not running on all four wheels. } It's quite apparent that any | You need to get him into therapy } problems he has are quite deep | as soon as possible and get rid } seeded, and while I could cure them | of this stress point in your } quite easily on my own, the process | life. I could just him, } of slow reconciliation is usually | but you'd get toasted in the } much more effective in the long run. | process, and that'd be a massive } | bummer. } | } By the way, he'll probably say that | By the way, he'll probably say } you're the one who needs therapy. | that you're the one who needs } Bear with him. He's really the one | therapy. Bear with him. He's } that needs help. Badly. | really the one that needs help. } | Badly. } | } You don't owe the Oracle anything. | You don't owe the Oracle } You've got enough troubles. | anything. You've got enough } | troubles. --- 562-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty oracle: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hey Rocky! I got a letter!" } } "But Bullwinkle, you can't read!" } } "I can too! Look, there's my name on the envelope!" } } "'Oracle Moose, at Indiana ed-you'.... but we're not even } *in* Indiana! How did it get here?" } } [Boris, thinly disguised as a mailman, knocks on the door] } } "Mail call! Ze mail truck ees coming!" } } [A semi pulls up to Rocky and Bullwinkle's front door, and } dumps about 11 tons of mail] } } "Zee you again this afternoon!" [Boris leaves] } } [Rocky and Bullwinkle dig out from under stacks of letters] } } "Bullwinkle, ALL this mail is addressed to 'Oracle Moose'! } Where is it all coming from?" } } MEANWHILE, AT A UNIVERSITY SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST, THE } USENET ORACLE GETS READY TO ANSWER HIS MORNING MAIL. } } "Morning, Harold." } } "Good morrow, Your Worship. Dost thou desire some coffee?" } } "Lay off the 'thou' stuff, willya? I'm in a bad mood." } } [tap tap click tap click beep] } } $ mailx } "/usr/mail/oracle": 3 messages 3 new } >N 1 Danny, age 9 Thu May 13 15:57 41/1421 Dear Mr Know-It-All } N 2 Suzy, age 11 Thu May 13 16:55 76/3664 i hate you } N 3 Taco Bell corp HQ Thu May 13 15:57 41/1421 Commercial shoot } ? } } "WHAT the--- HAROLD! Where's the usual 11 tons of mail?" } } [tap tap] } } ? 1 } Message 1: } From danny Thu May 13 15:57 CDT 1993 } From: Danny, age 9 } Subject: Dear Mr. Know-It-All } } Dear Mr. Know-it-all, } } I think youre really funny. I watch you every day after school } and I always laff. My friends at school say GI Joe is better } than you are but I tell them hes not as funny. } } your friend, } Danny } ? } } [Harold physically restrains the Oracle] "Sire, he's just a child!" } } "I oughta ZOT that kid's PARENTS, that's what! NINE years old and } HOW does he address the Oracle? 'Dear Mr. Know-it-all'? BAH!" } } BACK AT ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE'S, THE SITUATION WAS GETTING EVEN WORSE: } } "Hey Rocky, you got any wood?" } } "Bullwinkle! You're not trying to ANSWER all this mail, are you?" } } "I gotta start somewhere -- let's see, we got 12,000 questions } about woodchucks, 7,000 about final exams, 31,000 about sex --" } } [Boris arrives with another truck] "Mail call!" [thud] } } "Ouch! Make that 21,000 woodchuck questions, 13,000 final exams --" } } "Bullwinkle, you'll never catch up!" } } WILL OUR HEROES FIGURE OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR: } } "PHONY EXPRESS" } } OR } } "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS ZOTS TWICE" --- 562-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Subject: Sale! > To: Occupant, 42 Delphi Drive, Mount Olympus > > Noah's Pet Store, located at 666 Pan Parkway, is proud to > announce a special sale on exotic pets: tribbles. > > Tribbles are warm and furry, and during our special sale they're > cheap enough to be used instead of clay pigeons for > skeet-shooting. > > So hurry on down and pick up a pile of them; we're right near > the intersection of Pan Parkway and Saturn Circle. > > Or give us a call, and we'll deliver! > > --Noah > noah@noah.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, I must decline your generous offer. A friend of mine } bought some, and apparently too many, and has thus given me enough } to last at least a century or so. } } You know? They make GREAT pillows! And are a really nice replacemtn } for toilet paper as well.. I could probably make a killing selling } them at Star Trek Conventions also... Maybe you should go to one and } post and advertisement there! } } Well, thanks for the offer anyway, and I'll be sure to drop by if } you ever get some more greek heroes in stock. I love playing with } their minds (and running them through mazes, especially the one with } the minotaur).. } } You owe the Oracle.. uh.. ok, this one's a freebee. --- 562-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle, > > how can I set up a permanent channel on IRC? I would like to set up a > channel that will always appear in the channel listings. Thanks for > your time! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will need: } } 1 Dark, spooky house } 1 Meduim-sized medium } 500 Cases of JOLT Cola } } The basic idea is simple: Let your medium enter the spooky house and } start channeling. Make sure she gets enough caffiene in her system } that she never falls asleep, and presto! you have a permanent channel. } } Implementing it is somewhat more touchy. You must not let her drink } too much cola at the beginning, or she will never go into the trance } she needs to start channeling. On the other hand, if she drinks too } much after she has gone under, (as any exorcist worth his money } knows), her head will explode and make a real mess. And she may stop } channeling if that occurs. } } As for appearing in the channel listings, if she manages to drink that } much without having to stop channeling to run to the bathroom, she } will make the listing under "Most soda consumed during a seance." } } You owe the Oracle a way to animate those red 7-up dots. --- 562-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pray inform your humble servant of the host address of the mastermind > of Hong Kong University. > > The Hong Kong University refered to is the honoured learning > instituition situated in the British Territory of Hong Kong, off the > coast of Mainland China, to be reverted back to Chinese rule in the > year 1997. > > Knowledge of this is of supreme importance to one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } "mmind@napoleon.hku.edu". You owe the Oracle a thousand year egg. } } > Thank you, venerable sage! } > Your egg will be appearing most efficiently! } } } } } } } } FUNG MU: Thicknet. Ha! My sister and her unborn baby will be avenged } in the greater eyes of heaven soon! } } } } FUNG MU: Too long has this son of a leperous sea turtle squatted in } the center of his web like a bloated banana moth! } } } } FUNG MU: Ah! Ninja! } } } } FUNG MU: You think you can triumph over FUNG MU, hah? I am a Major } Character, whose name is written in this script in CAPITAL LETTERS! } } } } FUNG MU: Now I will snarf all the evil crime emperor's packets and I } will use his password to avenge my brother and his unborn baby! } } } } } } FUNG MU: Ai ya! A Circle of Wind and Fire Demon! Much like the one } the fiend of the Trans-Himalayan heroin trade summoned to kill my } mother and her unborn child! . . . --- 562-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Put down that Pickle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like you need some psychoanalysis. Since the oracle knows all } your problems anyway, let's do a little one-sided free association. } } Finals? Boredom? That last little niggling irritation that finally } put you over the edge? A life-long antipathy to brine and garlic? A } slow-festering wound caused by a spiny American cucumber? Pathological } fear of cured vegetables? Dread regarding phallic substitutes of a } threatening and, well, to be honest, humbling size? Passionate dislike } of green? Well-grounded fear of botulism or other spoilage? An ill- } remembered childhood memory of a green plush-toy monkey that went } berserk one night under your bed, that your parents *never* quite } believed, even as they soothed you back to sleep? A bad experience } with a green banana (or was it a plantain?), three tequila sunrises, } and a cheap hotel room in Tijuana? (or was it Nogales?). The } aftershocks of total sensory deprivation and/or hallucinogenic } experimentation some 25 years ago? A sudden sour taste in your mouth } as a result of guilt over some horrible deed you just committed? A } frightened reaction to storks that sound like Groucho Marx -- or is it } the strange resemblance of that last infant you saw to a crunchy vlasic } dill? The successful repression of heterosexual desire symbolized by } the Vlasic Stork (i.e. procreation) and its sublimation into sexual } hostility and fantasy and then the frightened reaction to these } returned fantasies? } } You owe the oracle a copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the } Unconscious" and a jar of half-sours, preferably spicy ones.