From oracle-request Mon Aug 9 09:42:03 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19613; Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:42:03 -0500 Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:42:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #580 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 580 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #580 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:42:03 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 580 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 575 54 votes ghb82 1chh7 2ila3 1ajf9 cne41 1eq94 37dgf 2akh5 2dme3 3fn94 575 3.0 mean 2.3 3.3 2.9 3.4 2.2 3.0 3.6 3.2 3.1 2.9 --- 580-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do boys ignore you when they are around there friends? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my dear, speaking as a former boy (in the normal, grown-to- } become-a-man sense, rather than the "Geraldo" interpretation some of } your warped little fellow mortals might have been imagining) I shall } attempt to hazard a couple of guesses as to what might be going on. Of } course, I AM omniscient, so these are what you could call educated } guesses... } } The first possibility is that you are suffering from a side effect } of machismo, also known as the "are you getting any?" phenomenon. } You see, us men, crude copulation-hungry beasts that we are, are } continuously in search of sex. However, because of the constraints of } morality (rarely), health (infrequently), or not being able to get a } date (almost always) we much satisfy our carnal urges vicariously. } This has led to an unspoken compact among men, not unsimiliar to the } "fish story" agreement: namely, that all males shall continuously } cross-exam all others of their gender about their sexual exploits, and } grossly exaggerate any such when they themselves are so examined. } } That way everybody is more or less satisfied, except the ones who } get blue-balls and have to, ah, whack off. (Stop me, my dear, if this } grows a bit too indelicate for your tender ears). The point here } however, is that, within the male community, being seen actually } communicating with a female is seen as a virtual guarantee of sexual } activity, requiring several hours worth of exposition (i.e., } invention). Perhaps your male friend simply wasn't feeling creative } enough to be caught talking to you. } } Another possibility (and this is really just another effect of } machismo) is that he was "bailing out." The term is from baseball: it } means jumping out of the way of the ball. See, one thing that } happens from all these testosterone-laden chats we have is that } inexperienced young males get the idea that females are terribly } complicated creatures - wouldn't YOU be afraid of something that had a } "vulva"? This is especially true when you consider that the nature of } the stories is such that it tends to exaggerate the, ah, physical } demands of gender interaction. And even that is just a side-note to } the more central problem of actual conversation. What, after all, does } a boy say to someone who isn't in the least interested in why the } Knicks didn't have a draft pick? Do women also tell sex stories, he } wonders. Do we then talk about sex, and if so, will she expect me to } be able to do it while Bungee (tm) jumping, like Hank said he did with } Sheila...? When the young male in question sees a fastball like this } flying at his face, and him without so much as the conversational } batting helmet of a clever pick-up line, he ducks. He bails out. He } ignores you and talks to his friends. } } So fear not. The farther he ducks, the more he wants to be at } the plate (err...though this should not be confused with that other } popular male baseball metaphor. I can't help myself from talking } that way; I'm a guy). In other words, he probably is interested in } you, though he seems to devote more attention in public to his Air } Jordans (tm). My ultimate advice: call him with a pre-arranged } conversation topic. (My suggestion: "The Oracle: Irresistible stud or } merely extraordinarily attractive?") Good luck. } } You owe the Oracle the game ball. Or whatever. --- 580-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, have I screwed up! I won't bore you with the entire > story but let's just say that the explosion caused a small tear in the > space-time continuum and this morning I met my wife of the future who > is pregnant with our third child (I about wrote her off as some > nut-case but then she showed me a picture of me (sans hair) with her > and (my?) two kids standing next to a sign that read: > > "Welcome to Atlantis! (formerly Des Moines, Iowa)" > "Founded 1993" > > "Celebrate our Tenth Anniversary" > "Join in the Fun, Compete for Prizes in:" > "The underwater corn-picking contest" > "The levee building relay" > "The bobbing for furniture game" > > "Bring the whole family" > "(And don't forget your umbrella! Ha! Ha! Ha!)" > > ). So I brought her home but my present wife (who unfortunately is > very obviously not my future wife) is not at all pleased with the > situation. Which brings me to my question: How much wood would a > woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On Jul 28, at 1:42pm, "The Usenet Oracle", writing with a level of } insight comparable to that of Lincoln's second inaugural address, said: } } That's easy. He'd chuck all the wood that a woodchuck could if.... } excuse me... I seem to have a small plumbing prob... } .... } } ... } } You owe the Oracle a roll of super-absorbent paper towels... quick. --- 580-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and all seeing Oracle, your priest Steve Kinzler recently led > off an issue of the Oracularities by saying "Take me to the river; drop > me in the water" before departing across the flood-ravaged waters of > the American Midwest. > > What do you think will happen to him during his tour? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } glugglugglugglugglugglugIglugglugglugdon'tglugglugglugknowglugglugglug } glugglugbutglugglugglugglugglugIglugglugglugglugglugglughopeglugglugg } glugglugglugheglugglugglugglugbringsglugglugglugglugglugglugtheglugglug } glugglugglugglugglugglugsumpglugglugglugglugglugglugglugpumpglugglugglug } backglugglugglugglugglugglugglugwithglugglugglughimglugglugglugglugglug } glugyouglugglugglugglugoweglugglugglugglugtheglugglugglugglugglugoracle } glug --- 580-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A roll of duct tape, a pencil, and two hubcaps. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's right. A small price to pay for advice on how to make your } mother-in-law move 140 miles away AND take Carlos the blind Chihuahua } with her. What I want them for is between Lisa and me. } } You also owe the Oracle a banjo and a fly-swat. --- 580-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the Usenet Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, I am. I'm Barney. Let's sing! } } I love you } You love me } Have an Oracularity } With a or sarcasm straight from me to you } A dull, boring answer's likely too! } } And this is my friend Baby Bop! I'll let her type a bit of answer, } too! } } sorry about orrie there -- he's been like this for days, wearing } that purple dinosaur suit and having me dress in this green and } purple something-or-other suit. and he's got a pack of } choreographed brainwashed kids prancing around in perfect order, } and he won't have sex any more -- he just wants to hug, and he } doesn't call me lisa any more but "baby bop" instead -- god, what } a stupid name, I } } Remember, Baby Bop, caring is sharing, so it's your time to give up the } keyboard. And be sure to buy a toy Barney doll and other mechandise on } which I'll be making a packet of money! --- 580-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wash Uffitze drive me to Firenze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No--NO, Your Holiness, leave my sandals alone... No, put the little } sponge away, that bit's for the tourists, you know that... What? } No, I don't need a plenary indulgence, either... Look, like I told } you, all ya gotta do is split the gas money to Florence with me. } Huh? Gas, benzina, denaro di benzina, capisc'? Yeah, gasolinski, } or however you say it in Polish. OK, hop in. What's that? Oh, } these are Tevas. Yeah, velcro straps. Oh, I'm sure they'd have } your size, Holy Father. Si, sandali trendissimi, molto yuppi. } OK, J.P., buckle up--you don't mind if I call you J.P.? We'll } be Firenzi'd before you Arno it! --- 580-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mister Oracle, > > What's your favorite grovel type? The long, drawn out ones, the > complex ones, the three-part haiku type, or the short, sweet, and to > the point ones? > > Thanks, > A.Curious.Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You have just been ed. This is a form letter. I am sorry that } the Oracle cannot reply in person, but I am sure that you appreciate } the high frequency of s used on usenet. } } The reason for a is usually that the question was too long so } that the Oracle could not be bothered to read it, that it was a } woodchuck question, or that it just pissed the Oracle off for some } other usually unfathomable reason. These days it doesn't take much } to piss him off, I can tell you! } } The reason for this is: } } The grovel was too short. } } Please do not be put off by being ed, we hope you will continue } to contribute questions in future lives. --- 580-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose body secretions are sweeter than a triple-fudge milk > shake, please answer my query: > > Why does Steve have to work with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Al, we've been over this at least a dozen times already. You know } what my opinion is and you know what Bill's opinion is. Humor deficit } is a serious disorder, and if untreated can lead to erratic behavior, } even Republicanism. Steve graciously volunteered to use a fabricated } two-week vacation in the Midwest (terrible cover, but no one seems to } have questioned it) in order to spend the time with you in Washington } doing intensive therapy. He tells me you've already worked your way } through the "best of" Oracle postings to r.h.f., and are making } fantastic progress. Al, I think it's just great that you crack a } smile now whenever you hear the word "woodchuck"! And that joke about } Socks and dyslexic mouse balls showed real promise. I'm sure Maddi } will publish the next one you send, so don't be too disappointed. } } Now just work on those grovels, and you'll make r.h.o. before you know } it! } } Your friend, } T. U. Oracle --- 580-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Highly Oracular Oracle, > > Let me ask you a question : what time is love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About every 20 minutes when you're 18, less often as you get older. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Vitamin E capsules. --- 580-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who can part morning traffic with a mere wave of a hand, > please answer this mortal question: > > Will Micheal Jackson's ``disease'' progress beyond his skin > lightening in colour, so that it in fact is giving off as much > light as a 60 watt incandecent bulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 60 watts? Come now--you know Michael Jackson never does anything in } a small way. Here's the prognosis and chronology: } } November 1993: Michael lightens to the point where he can } readily pass for white. Tests this by visiting a } Denny's Restaurant, where he is seated and served } immediately. } } May 1994: Michael sets up a new charity, "Light Aid," which } essentially consists of Michael travelling to } tenements whose inhabitants have had their } electricity turned off for non-payment, and } providing light for them to cook and read by. } } July 1995: Governor of California declares the Los Padres } National Forest behind Michael's ranch a disaster } area; Michael's presence has inflicted severe } drought and sparked numerous forest fires. } } July 1996: Astronomers on the fourth planet of Beta Centauri } note that our Sun has gone nova, and then are } dumbfounded when closer observation shows that in } fact it is the Sun's third planet that has gone } nova. } } mid-1998: All life in the Milky Way galaxy is extinguished } as Michael's shock wave reaches its periphery, } travelling at hyperspeed. } } mid-2001: The Universe is empty, save for a white glove } floating in an infinite void.