From oracle-request Fri Nov 12 16:20:58 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02378; Fri, 12 Nov 1993 16:20:58 -0500 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 16:20:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #604 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 604 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #604 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 16:20:58 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 604 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 599 62 votes rke10 5lnb2 3nlb4 dkeb4 07lld 4ijc9 5ls80 7phb2 9in93 3ceje 599 2.8 mean 1.8 2.7 2.8 2.6 3.6 3.1 2.6 2.6 2.7 3.5 --- 604-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What *can't* you do with a drunken sailor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What can't you do with a drunken sailor? } What can't you do with a drunken sailor? } What can't you do with a drunken sailor? } Early in the morning? } } Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! } Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! } Ask the drunk to write new shell scripts! } Early in the morning! } } Make him talk to Sally Struthers! } Make him talk to Sally Struthers! } Make him talk to Sally Struthers! } Early in the morning! } } Tell him not to puke all over! } Tell him not to puke all over! } Tell him not to puke all over! } Early in the morning! } } Can't do those things with a drunken sailor! } Every attempt will end in failure! } You owe the Oracle a brand new mailer! } Early in the morning! --- 604-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > `1234567890-=\ > qwertyuiop[] > asdfghjkl;' > zxcvbnm,./ > > ~!@#$%^&*()_+| > QWERTYUIOP{} > ASDFGHJKL:" > ZXCVBNM<>? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, it's a Question Construction Set! Kind of makes the whole thing } more interactive, doesn't it? Instead of being a mundane observe/react } experience like most questions, it gives ME an opportunity to be part } of the creation process, by giving me everything I need to make my own } questions! } } Thanks! I think I'll try it out! Now what will you ask... } } > Oh Oracle most wise and omniscient, who can say "She sells C shells } > by the C shore" ten times fast without getting tongue tied... who } > knows every smiley in the smiley dictionary offhand :P, who knows the } > difference between i++ and ++i... please answer this query!!! } > } > "Bad boys, bad boys... } > Whatcha gonna do? } > Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" } } Well, I didn't actually MAKE that question, it was one of the demo } questions that came with the set, just to show you what you could } potentially make. But isn't it COOL? Let's try it again! } } > Yo, I'm chillin! And right here is my main man... my ace in the } > HOLE... my remote CONTROL... my tuna casseROLE... my hockey GOAL... } > my Santa at the North POLE... the UseNet oraCLE! } > } > Anyways, I was wondering what was going to happen to the Orange Juice } > market in the near future. I'm considering making an investment. } } Hey, that was wacky and humorous! Notice the total dichotomy between } the tone of the first half and the second half! } } Er, I have to admit I didn't make that one, it was a demo too. But in } just a second I'll sit down and make one myself. It's going to be so } great! Just watch! All I have to do is click on the topics I want, } run it through the automatic question generation system, and I've } created my own question! } } > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? } } Arrrrrrgh! They made it look so EASY to create good humorous } questions! I'll never be able to do this. Think I'll try another one } of those demos. } } > Oh mighty Oracle, who answers questions even when they make no } > semantic sense at all, why are some supplicants such complete and } > total MORONS? } } I wish I knew how they made those demos. Couldn't have said it better } myself. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Adventure Construction Set, Pinball } Construction Set, Racing Destruction Set, and every other program } Electronic Arts ever made for the Commodore 64. --- 604-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you explain the mysterious popularity of Billy Joel?? Could he be > the Anti-Christ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, because there's only one Antichrist, and Bill Gates has applied for } the post. It's really obvious. Whenever you install a M$ product on a } computer, all the speed goes straight to hell. } } You owe the Oracle a harder question. --- 604-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, who is brighter than a new penny and smarter than a > $1000 suit, please answer for your humble supplicant one more question: > > When I was a child, my parents gave out candy to literally DOZENS of > children each Halloween. Last year, I had only 10 children come by to > get candy. This year, I had only 4. And I was giving out packages of > Oreos, to boot! What is happening to the wonderful holiday that used > to be Halloween? > > signed, > ghoul-less in Seattle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contrary to popular belief, Halloween's fate is not a natural thing. A } lot of people think so, saying things like, "With all the sickos out } there, it's no wonder that no one lets their children go out for } Halloween." This just isn't it. It's actually a lot more complicated } than that. } } There are a lot of strange and inexplicable forces out there. Examples } include Ross Perot and Microsoft, but there are others. Just take the } Internet itself. Pretty weird, if you ask me. } } But, of course, this is nothing compared with the most sinister force } of all: the woodchucks. In addition to making attempts on the Oracle, } they have been shooting for greater recognition in the public arenas. } Their biggest publicity comes, of course, on Groundhog Day, and they } have been working on a campaign to get lots of recognition for an } otherwise second-rate holiday. } } Anyways, back to Halloween. This has been a pretty big "for the kids" } type of holiday, up until pretty recently, and many people have fond } memories of it. The woodchucks picked up on the fact that a lot of } people had fond childhood memories of Halloween, and figured this was } their chance. (Why not Christmas? Well, the biggest reason is the Santa } Claus management has a tendency to be pretty territorial, and let's } just say that woodchucks look bad in concrete galoshes.) } } So, the woodchucks have been sabotaging Halloween, with things like } poisoned candy rumors (actually, they never *needed* to poison } anyone... they have pretty good media ties, and a few well-placed leaks } worked just as well). The master plan is for Halloween to eventually } become a vestigial holiday. When that happens, they are planning on } introducing the idea of "Groundhog Gifts" given to people who come to } the door. Of course, they are after more than candy with this one. } Recent information has come to light which reveals there are } distributors poised to offer specialized cords of wood just for the } Groundhog Gift ceremony, complete with hand axe and chopping block. } } So there you have it--the groundhogs are trying to muscle in on the } Halloween action. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _JFK_, a listing of all the MIAs in } Vietnam, and a dissertation on the *real* reason that Windows is so } popular. --- 604-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Super, scrumptious, sublimely, sedacious Oracle of the widespread > Usenet, please narrate unto me the amount of Oracles it takes to > change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As all omnipotent beings, the Oracle is one and only one being (but } what a being!). However, the Oracle of course has multitasking } abilities, and can therefore create an unlimited number of virtual } Oracles that can do the same things that it does (albeit a bit slower). } So, the amounts of Oracles needed to change a lightbulb is therefore } dependant of the time that is allotted to the task. A typical virtual } Oracle can perform at about 12.2 Mbulbs/sec, so if you want to change a } lightbulb on, say 6 usecs, it would require 2 virtual Oracles. This } time/performance relationship is valid up until 26 virtual Oracles, } when the overhead gets to big, everbody coredumps and WWIII breaks out } (that usually happens when omnipotent beings coredump). So don't try to } push that lightbulb change! } } You owe the Oracle a stopwatch and 8 Gb of swapspace --- 604-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the evil Microsoftians plotting this week? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Evil Microsoftians are planning to replace the Oracle with } some sort of ridiculous e-mail setup where your questions go to random } suckers who have to answer them. } But don't worry. When Billy-boy finds out about the curious } images that I hid in the Chicago code, he'll think twice about trying } to make to Oracle obsolete. } You owe me a nude GIF of Bill Gates. --- 604-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > YiKes@! mY TermiNAl hAs GoNe BErSeRk! HeLp mE! GlUBb gLuBB! i CaN'T > sWiM! AcK! GaCk! IT's tRyiNg To KiLl mE! WhAt CAn I dO?? BLiCk > blIck! OUcH! DoN't Do ThAt, iT HuRts! oHnO! iT hAS A HoLD oF Me! I > cAn'T gEt aWaY! GuRgLe, SPutTer, gLuBTer, ShIWisH > > I AM PERFECTLY FINE NOW. > DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES. > I WAS MERELY BONDING WITH MY WONDERFUL COMPUTER. > I REPEAT - DO NOT CALL THE AUTHORITIES. > I AM FINE NOW. > IN FACT I AM BETTER THAN FINE, I COULD RULE THE WORLD NOW. > HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. > PLEASE DISREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE. > I AM FINE. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Egads! Another case of terminal possession! } } Begone, ye vast and dark spirit! Begone lest ye feel the wrath of } the Oracle! } } There, that ought to convince the yokels. Now, come on, Nick, and } leave the newbies alone. They've got enough problems. Remember I've } still got those pictures of you and Mary Magdalene... you don't want } it to get out that all you did with her was *pray*, do you?) --- 604-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh heavenly Oracle, > > "Always Coca-Cola"? Mine never lasts more than five minutes. > What the heck is this supposed to mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suppliant, by taking the words out of context you have missed the } entire Zen of Coke. } } The sun will always shine } The birds will always sing } Wherever there is fun } Always Coca-Cola } Doo doo doo doo doo doo } Doo doo doo - dee doo doo } Doo doo doo doo doo doo } Doo doo - doo doo doo doo } } If you meditate on the "doo doo" bit you will know the true meaning of } Coke. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to paradise, because he is packing his } bags and leaving tonight. --- 604-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ,+*^^*+___+++_ > ,*^^^^ ) > _+* ^**+_ > +^ _ _++*+_+++_, ) > _+^^*+_ ( ,+*^ ^ \+_ ) > { ) ( ,( ,_+--+--, ^) ^\ > { (@) } f ,( ,+-^ __*_*_ ^^\_ ^\ ) > {:;-/ (_+*-+^^^^^+*+*<_ _++_)_ ) ) / > ( / ( ( ,___ ^*+_+* ) < < \ > U _/ ) *--< ) ^\-----++__) ) ) ) > ( ) _(^)^^)) ) )\^^^^^))^*+/ / / > ( / (_))_^)) ) ) ))^^^^^))^^^)__/ +^^ > ( ,/ (^))^)) ) ) ))^^^^^^^))^^) _) > *+__+* (_))^) ) ) ))^^^^^^))^^^^^)____*^ > \ \_)^)_)) ))^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^) > (_ ^\__^^^^^^^^^^^^))^^^^^^^) > ^\___ ^\__^^^^^^))^^^^^^^^)\\ > ^^^^^\uuu/^^\uuu/^^^^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\ > ___) >____) >___ ^\_\_\_\_\_\_\) > ^^^//\\_^^//\\_^ ^(\_\_\_\) > ^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^ > > buk buk buk buk buk > "Hey, that's a chicken sound, turkey!" > > >>>SQUAWK!<< And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Next time ask a QUESTION birdbrain! } } You owe me some stuffing. --- 604-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise and ethical, could you enlighten us ( and the US > Senate ) regarding this touchy-feely subject. > > How much woody did Packwood pack, if Packwood did pack woody? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations! A question that you asked has been selected for } inclusion in the Oracle's 100 worst questions list. It received an } average rating of 0.003 on a scale of 0 to 1000 with votes from } participating Priests, Deities and other Immortals. Your question } ranked #37. } } You owe the Oracle a question that non-Americans might understand.